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The conclusion of Undisputed Truth is quite revealing of Tyson's state of mind about twelve years ago, when he was still an addict.
I believe he's improved from then, but this chunk tells a lot about his consideration of himself and his past.
That was the way I intended to end the book. Kiki and I all misty-eyed, reading the love letters of
great people in bed – my darkness gone, my spirit soaring from the inspirational words of our giants
of history. But you have to live life on life’s terms, as I’ve said in the book. And I couldn’t live with
myself if I lied and tried to cover up what happened in the last few months.
Maybe part of it was searching my soul and digging into the darkest corners of my psyche to
honestly answer questions about my life. It also could have been the pressure of going back
into the world of boxing and entering the ring once again, this time as a promoter and nurturer of
young boxing talent. Of course, my chronic negative self-image doesn’t need much ammunition to act
out and sabotage whatever joy and happiness comes into my life.
But it happened and I have to tell you about it. About a month or so after I completed work on the
book, in April of 2013, I had a slip, my first one since January of 2010. I went out one night and I had
a drink. And then another. And another. I told you I’m a bad, bad drunk so I smoked some pot to make
me mellow again. I felt horrible when I came back to Kiki and the kids that night. But not terrible
enough to stop me from repeating my slip a few more times in June and July of this year. And then in
August, a week before my first Iron Mike fight promotion, which was broadcast on ESPN, I fell off
the wagon again.
Look, I’m a vicious addict and if I don’t follow my steps, I’m going to die. So I started going to
A.A. meetings again. One of the most important steps is to make amends. So right before the first fight
on my first card as a promoter I walked over to Teddy Atlas, my old trainer, who was doing the color
commentary for ESPN. I extended my hand and I apologized to him for my part in what happened
back there in Catskill in the ’80s. I hadn’t talked to Teddy for almost twenty years. It felt good to
make amends. I guess that gesture meant a lot to people because that was the first thing they wanted to
talk about both during the fights and in the interview I did between fights.
I was already dealing with a lot of emotions of guilt and shame for my recent relapses so seeingTeddy and
making amends to him seemed to put me over the top. I realized that I couldn’t just keep on
lying and pretending that I was still clean; that I hadn’t had some drinks or smoked some pot. So when
someone at the postfight press conference asked me what it was like seeing Teddy again, I had to
unburden myself.
“I knew that there was a possibility that I would be here with Teddy and I didn’t have a good
thought in mind about that at first, because I’m negative and I’m dark. And I wanna do bad stuff. I
wanna hang out in this neighborhood alone [I pointed to my head], that’s dangerous to hang out in this
neighborhood alone up here, right? It wants to kill everything. It wants to kill me too. So I went to my
A.A. meeting and I explained to my fellow alcoholics and junkies that I was gonna deal with this
certain situation here, and I explained the feelings that I evoked from it. Almost like, um, something
like a Hatfields and McCoys, I kind of explained to them. I made the right decision. I made Cus proud
of me. I made myself proud of me.
“I hate myself. I’m trying to kill myself. I hate myself a lot, but I made myself proud of myself, and I
don’t do that much. I was happy I did that. Maybe it was overwhelming to Teddy and he didn’t get it
yet. But he has to know this is sincere. I don’t wanna fight you no more. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I was
wrong. I just wanted to make my amends. If he accepted it or not, at least I could die and go to my
grave and say I made my amends with everybody I hurt. It’s all about love and forgiveness, and in
order for those guys to forgive me – other guys – you know, I want people to forgive the things I’ve
done.
“I’m a motherfùcker. I did a lot of bad things, and I want to be forgiven. So in order for me to be
forgiven, I hope they can forgive me. I wanna change my life; I wanna live a different life now. I
wanna live my sober life. I don’t wanna die. I’m on the verge of dying, because I’m a vicious
alcoholic. Wow. God, this is some interesting stuff.”
I choked up. And then I confessed.
“I haven’t drank or took drugs in six days, and for me that’s a miracle. I’ve been lying to everybody
else that thinks I was sober. I’m not. This is my sixth day. I’m never gonna use again.”
The press in the audience gave me a standing ovation but that meant nothing to me. No one gives
you standing ovations when you share in the rooms.
That was on August twenty-third. I’ve added a few days to my total as I’m writing this now. I hope
that I can keep clean and add more and more days and get more and more chips. I guess I was
arrogant thinking that I could beat this thing without the help of my support team and my A.A. family,
who belong to the only club that accepts people like me as members. I don’t want to die. I want to
continue my boxing career as a promoter. I want to do my one-man show again. I want to do more
movies.
After my recent relapse I was no fun to be around. Kiki and I were having a lot of rough times.
Part of me was even trying to blame the pressures of being married as the reason for my relapse.
Then the galleys for the book came. In going over the book with Kiki I had a spiritual rebirth. When we got to
the section about Exodus it was very difficult to get through. We both cried our eyes out. And I
realized in that very moment why I was married to Kiki. I suddenly knew the answer to the question
“Why would a guy like me be married?” I realized that our marriage was more than the union of Kiki
and me. I had to be married to Kiki to fulfill Exodus’s legacy. My marriage will allow me to do that
and to bolster my ability to be a good father. I’m a better person now because Exodus was in my life
and I vow to continue to be a better person now that she’s gone. I truly want to deepen my
relationship with Kiki and see my kids grow up to be healthy and happy. But I can’t do any of those
things if I don’t have control over myself. I can’t help anyone if I’m not well myself, and I desperately
want to get well. I have a lot of pain and I just want to heal. And I’m going to do my best to do just
that. One day at a time.
In other words he believes a mutual mistake was made there even though there is only one child m0lester in this incident. So he's not owning up to it, it's still half assed.
That is what I meant earlier. It might sound like he's not playing the victim about something, but there's still some wording that betrays his true thoughts.
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