~The Official Limey Jokes Thread~

[Da Iceman]

this is a good one.

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”

[Da Iceman]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[Da Iceman]

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.

Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''

A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''

[Da Iceman]

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

[Da Iceman]

What do George Michael and Wellington Boots have in common?

They both get sucked off in bogs.

[Da Iceman]

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool, he looks up at the bartender and says, “Could you mind my ducks while I go use the phone?” The bartender is puzzled, but he doesn't see a problem and agrees to look after the three little ducks.

When the owner of the ducks leaves, the bartender says to the first duck “What's your name?” The duck says, ''My name is Huey.'' And the bartender, an affable fellow, especially around ducks, says, “Hello Huey, how has your day been?” “My day's been great,” answers the duck, “I've been slipping in and out of puddles all day.”

Satisfied, the bartender moves to the next duck and asks the same questions. The second duck replies, “My name is Dewey and I've had a great day; I've been slipping in and out of puddles all day.” The bartender says, ''That sounds nice.''

With this the bartender moved to the third duck and thinks to himself about the first ducks' responses, then says to the third duck, “Don't tell me -- your name's Louie and you've been slipping in and out of puddles all day too.” To which the duck replies, “No. My name's Puddles, and I've had a **** of a day.”

[Da Iceman]

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

[Da Iceman]

Q: Why was Raggedy Ann kicked out of the toybox?

A: Because she sat on Pinnochio's face and told him to lie!

[???]

A Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Englishman says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out. Now!"
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Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking a few beers. So Tommy says to George, "George me buddy ol' pal. When I die could you pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?" George says, "Why certainly, but could I pour it through me bladder fist?

[Da Iceman]

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''