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I'm totally not a fighter. I read to blind children on the weekends and I play chess with the elderly. A real mellow, relaxed type of guy. You know? I just don't enjoy fighting....
But one Sunday I was on my way to church when a group of ********* ninjas decided to hijack god's sanctuary. Not on my watch, *******s. I kicked the door of the main hall open, where they were gathered, and realized I was in for a brawl. There they were- half a dozen black garbed ********* ninjas with turbans and scimitars (the curved blades of the infidels).
I chucked my bible at the first one- it crushed his windpipe on impact. He dropped to the ground, writhing- choking to death on his own blood. The others moved towards me. Rather than wait for them I rushed forward and grabbed the biggest guy by his ninja robe- pulled him towards me. Only his eyes were visible through his outfit so, with my thumbs, I plunged as hard as I could into the fleshy meat of his eyeballs, digging in with force until I could feel my nails slice through the pulpy tissue of his eye. (Side note: Not only blood and screams accompanied this action...but the aqueous humor spilled out all over the floor. For those of you who do not know your eyes are full of a liquid that helps your eyes focus among other things- and it can never be replaced. If someone stabs you in the eye DO NOT remove the object. I removed my fingers and blinded him for life.)
Once I had gouged out the second ninjas eyes with my thumbs I was free to continue fighting the others. One was down, one was blind- and so only four remained. I always knew I possessed a strength both subdued and wholly unique so, again moving forward, I ripped the ninja mask off the man closest to me, took hold of his lower lip, and ripped it off. Yes, with my thumb and forefinger I took hold of the flesh of his lip and yanked down so hard I tore it free from his face. Blood began to spew everywhere in a *******ial waterfall of red- so I took his face, directing it with a fistful of his hair, and angled it towards his ninja brothers. The blood momentarily blinded them and then, the pools of it on the floor, made them slip.
Realizing I had just owned half the ninjas in the room in amazing, and almost unbelievable fashion I proceeded to simply stomp on the heads of the next two until they collapses in a concave of shattered skulls, chunky brain matter, and blood that quickly congealed in tiny splatters all over the church's marble floor.
One ninja left. One more ********* ******* trying to **** with my religion time. I dragged him, blinded by the blood of his fallen comrades, to the front steps of the church. Pulling off his mask I looked him in his asian/middle eastern eyes and said, "Jihad kung-fu this little man. Welcome to the United States of America."
I forced him to open his mouth over the lower step, so that the curb was between his teeth, and then I stomped down on his head as hard as I could- completely shattering his jaw and instantly snapping his neck like a dry twig (it sounded like a dry twig, too).
So...I don't really fight much. Just...not a fighter.
But one Sunday I was on my way to church when a group of ********* ninjas decided to hijack god's sanctuary. Not on my watch, *******s. I kicked the door of the main hall open, where they were gathered, and realized I was in for a brawl. There they were- half a dozen black garbed ********* ninjas with turbans and scimitars (the curved blades of the infidels).
I chucked my bible at the first one- it crushed his windpipe on impact. He dropped to the ground, writhing- choking to death on his own blood. The others moved towards me. Rather than wait for them I rushed forward and grabbed the biggest guy by his ninja robe- pulled him towards me. Only his eyes were visible through his outfit so, with my thumbs, I plunged as hard as I could into the fleshy meat of his eyeballs, digging in with force until I could feel my nails slice through the pulpy tissue of his eye. (Side note: Not only blood and screams accompanied this action...but the aqueous humor spilled out all over the floor. For those of you who do not know your eyes are full of a liquid that helps your eyes focus among other things- and it can never be replaced. If someone stabs you in the eye DO NOT remove the object. I removed my fingers and blinded him for life.)
Once I had gouged out the second ninjas eyes with my thumbs I was free to continue fighting the others. One was down, one was blind- and so only four remained. I always knew I possessed a strength both subdued and wholly unique so, again moving forward, I ripped the ninja mask off the man closest to me, took hold of his lower lip, and ripped it off. Yes, with my thumb and forefinger I took hold of the flesh of his lip and yanked down so hard I tore it free from his face. Blood began to spew everywhere in a *******ial waterfall of red- so I took his face, directing it with a fistful of his hair, and angled it towards his ninja brothers. The blood momentarily blinded them and then, the pools of it on the floor, made them slip.
Realizing I had just owned half the ninjas in the room in amazing, and almost unbelievable fashion I proceeded to simply stomp on the heads of the next two until they collapses in a concave of shattered skulls, chunky brain matter, and blood that quickly congealed in tiny splatters all over the church's marble floor.
One ninja left. One more ********* ******* trying to **** with my religion time. I dragged him, blinded by the blood of his fallen comrades, to the front steps of the church. Pulling off his mask I looked him in his asian/middle eastern eyes and said, "Jihad kung-fu this little man. Welcome to the United States of America."
I forced him to open his mouth over the lower step, so that the curb was between his teeth, and then I stomped down on his head as hard as I could- completely shattering his jaw and instantly snapping his neck like a dry twig (it sounded like a dry twig, too).
So...I don't really fight much. Just...not a fighter.
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