HBO: "Telling it like it is..." [A Boxing Parody]
This was something I posted a couple years ago when I was much more active on boxingscene called HBO: "Telling it like it is..." . It is a parody of the HBO boxing telecast commentators. I'm currently working on a second part, but I thought I'd put it up here again to give people who hadn't read it before to do so. If you enjoy it, please feel free to leave a comment. I'm currently working on a second part of HBO: "Telling it like it is...". Depending on how the feedback comes along, I may post my other material on here and hopefully get some laughs or amusement on the non-stop boxing section.
Anyway, here is the first part of the first "Telling it like it is...", written from February 2008 to June 2008
Lampley: “Good evening, boxing fans! I’m Jim Lampley and welcome to a special edition of HBO boxing. Tonight, we’ll take a look at the history of one of the best-selling boxing video game franchises: Fight Night. Its realistic graphics and roster of great fighters caused it to be acclaimed as one of the best satisfying sports game experiences. However, recent versions have received harsh criticism, bringing EA, the company that created the game, to a halt. As nearly two years pass, fans of the series eagerly anticipate its next installment, but how long will they have to wait until the next one finally arrives? I now turn over to my fellow commentator Larry Merchant. Larry, what do you make of all this?”
Merchant: “Jim…..I think it’s safe to say….that boxing isn’t what it used to be……Yes…you have promising prospects …such is the case with Kelly Pavlik, Miguel Cotto and, of course…the best pound-for-pound fighter in the sport, the ****y and flamboyant Floyd Mayweather, Jr…who, with the exception of Oscar de la Hoya, is the biggest financial boxing attraction…….Along comes a video game….to appease boxing fans who want to be in the ring, without ever getting into the ring.”
*Looks over to Jim and chuckles*
Merchant: “What happens…..when…you take the aspect of boxing and turn it into a virtual product?...Not…a good…game. The problem here…is that rather than make the game realistic…..the game solely relies….on knockouts…to determine the result of a fight. Even though it’s amusing the first few times……you start to wonder…..whether it’s even possible to get a decision.”
Lampley: “Good point, Larry. The problem seems to be based on…the over-emphasis on knockouts. Over to my right is hall of famer Emanuel Steward. Emanuel, video games have come a long way since the 80’s when the…Nintendo hit store shelves. Today’s modern consoles are capable of carrying out complex tasks that a computer can do and yet many people, including myself, found the game to be mediocre. How is this possible?”
*Camera zooms in on Emanuel*
Steward: “Well, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t know much about computers. But I did get the chance to play Fight Night with Jermain Taylor before the Pavlik fight. He was pretty good, too. I mean, he played as himself in the game and I used Bernard Hopkins in ESPN classic mode. Needless to say, I lost the fight and got knocked out. We continued to play the game and to test it out, but after a few short fights it became repetitive. Fights always ended by knockout and never went past the fourth round. In addition to that, I personally believe that there is a serious problem with the speed. Bernard Hopkins and Roberto Duran are some examples of how wrong the game is, they fight slowly. Even when—
Lampley: “That’s what I was going to say.”
Steward: “Exactly. The boxers start the fight off and they fight as if they were already tired. Now, Jermain told me that why they do that is because the fighters are balanced out: punchers are slow, while boxers are fast. While I understand that, the game makes an exaggeration of how slow the punchers are. He continued to persist that the developers of the game did it intentionally, but I was having none’a’that. I told Jermain to quit talking and start training or else he was going to get his ass kicked by Pavlik, and sure enough that’s what happened.”
*Awkward silence*
*Camera zooms out and centers on Lampley*
Lampley: “Shocking perspective from Emanuel Steward. Indeed, the game isn’t without its faults. What is expected from a sequel are improvements, and while some aspects are changed from previous versions, the changes are purely cosmetic. Many fans are now in dire hopes of looking…for that next special boxing game. Let’s take a look at some of….what?....I apologize. I’ve just been informed that we are experiencing technical difficulties and that we will not be able to show the video on the history of Fight Night. Instead, we will turn it over to Max Kellerman who’s with us via satellite. Max, what are your thoughts on the Fight Night franchise?”
Kellerman: “Well, first of all…I think the Fight Night franchise was great, but only for a brief moment. I played the first game, it was a great start. Along comes the second part: success! The game improved tremendously after the first. The venues looked great, the blows felt really hard and best of all, you had Floyd Mayweather, Jr!”
Steward: “Oh, no…here he comes.”
Kellerman: “The number one, pound-for-pound crem de la crem ‘Money’ Mayweather! The absolute best of what he does! He can’t be beat!”
Steward: “Max! Max!”
Kellerman: “What?!”
Steward: “Move it along already!”
Kellerman: “No! Why you hatin’ on Floyd?! Why can’t you just give him props for keeping it real and getting it done like a real gangsta’?!”
Steward: “Aw, listen to yo’self, man! You sound ridiculous! Floyd Mayweather is an egotistical fighter who doesn’t want to fight the absolute best welterweights. If he did—
Kellerman: “Wait a min—
Steward: “If he did th—
Kellerman: “No! You’re telling—
Steward: “If he would fight some other welterweights, then maybe I would consider him legendary. He’s an excellent technical boxer, and he’s proved that he is far above many fighters in the sport, however I don’t think they should consider him the ‘be-all, end-all fighter’ fans are making him out to be.”
Kellerman: Oh, come on, Manny! Can I call you ‘Manny’?”
Steward: “…………”
Kellerman: “Let me ask you a question: if Jermain Taylor had beaten Wright convincingly and defeated Pavlik as well, don’t you think that we would probably on the verge of considering Jermain Taylor to be a pound-for-pound fighter?”
Steward: “For the love of God, man! Stop tossing that term around as if you own it!”
Kellerman: “If you wanna’ get it on, bring it, Manny! I’ll beat you like a *****!”
Steward: “Oh, you’d get shot in my neighborhood for talking like that, cracker!”
Kellerman: “You wanna’ get in the ring?!”
Steward: “Don’t be ridiculous, Max!”
Kellerman: “I’ll take you!”
Steward: “Save your—
Kellerman: “I’ll take you! I’ll take you!”
Steward: “Ju—
Kellerman: “60/40 I’ll take you! 60/40 I’ll take you! 60/40 I’ll beat your ass!”
Steward: “Done deal, Max. Done deal.”
Kellerman: “I will knock you flat on your ass!”
*Camera shows Kellerman taking off his mic and leaving*
Lampley: “Well, Larry. It seems that we have some differences of opinions in regarding who is the best fighter in the sport. I would use term ‘pound-for-pound’ but it seems that it’s being thrown around far too commonly.”
Merchant: “Jim……with so many divisions……..and numerous titles that can be won….prestige seems to be easier obtained. Having said that……true prestige is something…that is hardly won. So many writers…..opinions…and rankings…..everyone has something to say. So, when that happens……all we have……and I say this cautiously…..great fighters because people say that they are great fighters. I, for one……have my thoughts as to who...is the best fighter in the sport—
Lampley: “Manny Pacquiao?”
Merchant: “……..The bottom line is…..when you start to get to the top of the list of welterweights……there’s such a large amount of talent that......it becomes easy….to feel absolutely overwhelmed by any match-up that occurs. I think that particular division…..is without a doubt the most attractive of them all at this moment.”
Lampley: “Thanks for the understatement. Well, this concludes our brief broadcast for Fight Night’s history. Unfortunately, it didn’t go as expected, but tune in next week to witness the planned presentation if all goes well.
Coming up in the following months on HBO:
February 16, 2008- it’s Pavlik/Taylor II on HBO PPV as it tries to follow up on one of the most exciting fights of 2007.
April 12, 2008- tune in as Miguel Cotto defends his welterweight title against famed “Contender” Alfonso Gomez from Mexico.
And May 3rd, 2008- In what is expected to be one of the most anticipated fights of the year: we go to Madison Square Garden for Merchant/Kellerman on HBO PPV…effectively eclipsing the sorry excuse of a fight that is De la Hoya/Forbes.
Lampley: “I’m Jim Lampley, and from all of us at HBO, thanks for watching! See you next time!”
TO BE CONTINUED...
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