Thomas Hauser is Hilarious

The World Boxing Council announced this week that it is withdrawing recognition of 160-pound champion Sergio Martinez and 147-pound champion Andre Berto because of the conduct of their promoter, Lou DiBella. * “This is like the problem we had with Chris Arreola, who we removed from the rankings and refused to let fight for our title for six months because he used bad language after he lost to Vitali Klitschko,” WBC president Jose Sulaiman declared. “I like Lou DiBella. He is my friend. But Lou DiBella swears all the time. He insults people by saying things like ‘boxing is a miserable f**king business’ and ‘the people who run boxing are a**holes.’* For the good of boxing, this must stop.” * Sulaiman said that the sanctions would extend to all of DiBella’s fighters. This means that Kermit Cintron, Randall Bailey, Allan Green will be among those removed immediately from the WBC rankings. “But I am a fair man,” Sulaiman said. “Each of these fighters may apply for immediate reinstatement to the WBC rankings. All that is necessary for each of them to do is to send a request for reinstatement to the WBC together with a check in the amount of one thousand dollars to cover the administrative fee. And because I bend over backwards to help boxers, Martinez and Berto may apply for immediate reinstatement if they send me the trunks that they wore on the night that they won the WBC championship.” * When advised that his son, Mauricio, took Sergio’s trunks on the night that Martinez defeated Kelly Pavlik, Sulaiman responded, “I am sure that Mauricio did this for the good of boxing.” * After being told of Sulaiman’s announcement, DiBella told Secondsout.com, “This is one more example of why boxing is a miserable f**king business and further proof that it’s run by a**holes.” * *** * Fresh off his victories against Harry Yorgey, Joel Julio, and Joachim Alcine, Alfredo Angulo has signed to fight an Everlast heavy-bag on HBO’s “Boxing After Dark.” * “This will be another great night for HBO Sports,” senior vice president for sports programming Kery Davis said. “To my knowledge, no one has been able to stop the heavy bag short of the distance, so it’s a real test for Alfredo.” * Angulo’s promoter, Gary Shaw, seconded Davis and added, “Alfredo has looked great in the gym against the heavy bag. But HBO expert analyst Max Kellerman warned, “The heavy bag takes a good punch and moves around better than some of the opponents that Angulo has fought recently on HBO. I think it’s a toss-up fight.” * *** * Golden Boy has a new endorsement contract. * * From now on, whenever Golden Boy promotes a fight on HBO PPV, a barrel of Tecate beer will be at the bottom of the steps in each fighter’s corner. From time to time during the telecast, the cameras will focus on the barrel of Tecate. Then, after the main event, the winning fighter will dump the Tecate on his trainer’s head. * * In a related development, Golden Boy CEO Richard Schaefer announced that the title sponsor for Winky Wright’s next fight will be Sominex. * *** * David Haye has called out pound-for-pound king Manny Pacquiao. * The WBA heavyweight belt holder issued his challenge at a press conference in London. Wearing a T-shirt that depicted him holding a British flag and trodding on the Filipino people, Haye declared, “Manny Pacquiao is afraid to fight me. If we ever get into the ring together, I’ll show him who’s number one in the world.” * Informed that Pacquiao had accepted his challenge to fight at a catchweight of 210 pounds, agreed to a fifty-fifty revenue split, and was willing to fight in London, Haye conferred hastily with adviser Adam Booth and told the assembled media, “We don’t want to rush into anything. I might fight Ricky Hatton instead.” * * Reached for comment in Manchester, Hatton replied, “I’m honored, mate. But to be honest with you, I don’t think I can make 210 pounds.” * *** * More on the WBC * WBC president Jose Sulaiman has announced a new line of WBC belts to be bestowed upon fighters. * “The executive board has spoken wisely,” Sulaiman declared. “In addition to our green belt, our silver belt, and our diamond belt, we now have belts for every color in the biggest box of Crayola crayons. That gives us 128 belts in each weight division. It is my dream that someday every fight in boxing will be for a WBC belt.” * In a related announcement, Sulaiman said that an upcoming bout between Pepe Rodriguez (2-7, 1 KO) and Rick Glaser (pro debut) will be for the WBC’s burnt umber belt. The sanctioning fee is currently being negotiated. * Thomas Hauser can be reached by email at thauser@rcn.com. He assumes that boxing fans can distinguish between satire (the reports above) and reality.