By Michael Marley

Suitably inspired by Lou DiBella’s two nights of Puerto Rican prospects clobbering their foes, AKA “Puerto Ricans Versus Tomato Cans,” I took fingers to keyboard like so…

Not being critical here of DBE or nifty matchmaker Joe "QTip" Quiambo as club shows are designed to build records. You don't build records, you can't develop stars who go on to HBO or Showtime featured fights. Actually, I exaggerate as the back to back Roseland shows were quite decent. But let me go on for comedic effect...

This one is for the newbies, the novices, the fresh meat who don’t know a left hook from a fish hook…

How To Properly Read A Bout Sheet/Fight Poster:

Mexican Warrior: This guy should’ve retired 18 bouts ago, just fighting on fumes now, losses in double figures. His best move is breaststroke across Rio Grande as his papers aren’t in order. Neither are his teeth but he battles on.

Never In A Bad Fight: This means never bad for the hyped up opponent. This tomato can is a serial loser.

Real Globetrotter: Hapless fighter who’s been knocked out on six continents…so far. His boxing license and his passport should be simultaneously revoked.

Always Comes To Fight: But before leaving dressing room decides he’s really come to dance, prance and showboat. Can’t figure out why crows hoot and holler derisively even though his Ali Shuffle is off balance and graceless.

Former New England Champ: Sure, he was in the mini-flyweight division. Comes from Vermont where there are more cows than boxers. Roster of opponents have names like “John Doe” and are billed from “Anytown, USA” or “Bettendorf, Iowa.”
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Jewish Scrapper: Up until a month ago, he was an accountant but then they discovered he kept three sets of books. Toughest fight he ever had, getting a cab in front of Grand Central on a rainy day…

Old School Journeyman: They mean it literally. He bounced around six high schools, finished 10th grade back in 1969. Got to admit it, that is Old School.

Power Punching Heavyweight Threat: Has two knockouts in 22 bouts but, hey, who’s counting. The threats come if the promoter shorts his purse. This guy is man of his (criminal) convictions, including eight felonies.

Feisty Female: Christy Martin was in her bassinet last time this old hag won a fight. They call this jaded, faded lady a pioneer. She is, sort of like Davy Crockett and, come to think of it, her hairstyle does resemble Fess Parker’s old coonskin cap.

Olympic Veteran: He was but it was the Winter Games and he carried a rifle while shooting on skis in the biathlon. Never hit a target then or in the ring.

White Lightning: That means he’s from the hills and hollers of Appalachia and the nickname is derived from what he drinks as soon as it turns 5 pm somewhere in the world. When he sings “In The Still Of The Night” he’s referring to where his Uncle Festus conjures up the moonshine. This guy hangs out in roadside dives where they demand a 25 cent cover charge to keep the riffraff out. He’s been bounced like an NBA basketball from most of those lowdown saloons.

And now you know.