The complete and honest guide to every boxing weight class

[vorgaphe]

The stuff about armchair critics is so spot on.

[!! Anorak]

Annoying as ****, ain't it?

"You say that Amir Khan doesn't have a good chin, but could you take the punches he does?"

No I couldn't... does that make him Oliver McCall then?

[Beercules]

"The last time Rigondeaux fought, I turned to a friend and said “I fancy watching a Rigondeaux fight, any idea when he’s on?” He said to me “he’s on right now, yer ****, you’re watching him live.” It was as if the guy was so tedious that my eyes had glazed over and my brain had rejected all intake of his mogadon-like qualities."

[vorgaphe]

Annoying as ****, ain't it?

"You say that Amir Khan doesn't have a good chin, but could you take the punches he does?"

No I couldn't... does that make him Oliver McCall then?

The whole you cant disrespect anyone who steps through the ropes argument is bull****. Just because these people are stupid to get punched in the head for money and that I enjoy doesn't mean they deserve this unwavering respect.

[!! Anorak]

When it gets down to ridiculous levels, too. I was told that a poster on here was beyond reproach when talking about boxing because they'd "laced them up", and every poster who hadn't had to cow down to them... even though they'd only fought once, got decked, and quit.

Yeah... I'm talking about Versatile. I won't even go into the obvious other example, as Boston Guy told me to drop the beef with him. If I say "goes toe-to-toe with the guy who stacks shelves at WalMart", you'll know who I mean.

[!! Anorak]

RING MAGAZINE RANKINGS: BANTAMWEIGHT
CHAMPION: VACANT
1. Shinsuke Yamanaka
2. Juan Carlos Payano
3. Anselmo Morino
4. Kokie Kameda
5. Jamie McDonnell
6. Tomoki Kameda
7. Malcolm Tunacao
8. Randy Caballero
9. Lee Haskins
10. Suriyan Sor Rungvisai


This is where things get weird. The weight limit on this division is 8.4 stones (118 pounds, Fat Yanks). I'm not even sure I've shagged a girl that's been less than 118 pounds. This is a division where you'd look at one of these ****'s legs and think to yourself "I wonder if that weighs less than my taddywhacker... when it's on the flop?"

We're entering a division where they have to employ people to wipe their asses for them. Not because they're rich and entitled... but because, like New England, their arms are so short they can't reach round to their crack. In fact, some of these ****s might only just win a medal against NE in a reaching competition. How they manage to have a wank is anyone's guess.

And look this list of ****s, above. Lee Haskins, I give a pass to. I've seen him on and off on Green Teef TV, and I've always liked him tbh. Jumps around like a gay gazelle, throwing uppercuts from out of nowhere, bit cocky, bit of a beta. I like the lad.

The rest of em... I don't know who the fuck most of 'em are, in all honesty. At least half the top ten sounds like an electric keyboard's been fucked by a motorcycle.

Doubtless you'll get some racist asshole in this thread, trying to be funny by saying something like "these are fighters with fire in their bellies... they've all got a dog inside them." My advice if you're going to say that... DON'T. We don't need that kind of racist bullshit in here.

In an update on a previous entry, then I see we got evidence that Light Heavyweight is very shallow, as reputedly the ninth greatest light heavy on the planet right now got completely demolished by Kovalev in a one-sided fashion.

This division might be as shallow, or it might be stacked... I honestly don't ****ing know. Midget ****s.

VERDICT: Fuck knows.

[Suckmedry]

The stuff about armchair critics is so spot on.

Annoying as ****, ain't it?

"You say that Amir Khan doesn't have a good chin, but could you take the punches he does?"

No I couldn't... does that make him Oliver McCall then?

The whole you cant disrespect anyone who steps through the ropes argument is bull****. Just because these people are stupid to get punched in the head for money and that I enjoy doesn't mean they deserve this unwavering respect.

Keep telling yourself that from the comfort of your keyboard, ****ing parasites.

[El-blanco]

There's so much confusion about what really makes a "great" division, that what I thought I'd do is give my verdict on the top ten of each weight class - a kind of inarguable, universal truth if you like. What it'll basically involve is me saying people are shit, talking about cocks and calling Beercules a ****. We'll see how it goes.

Let's start with boxing's once-premier division:


HEAVYWEIGHTS - RING MAGAZINE'S RANKINGS
Champion: Wladski "Wlad" Klitschko
1. Alexander Povetski
2. Deontay "The Batty Windmiller" Wilder
3. Tyson "The Batty Gypo" Fury
4. Kubrat Pulev
5. Bryant Jennings
6. Bermane Stiverne
7. Vyacheslav Glazkov
8. Ruslan Chagaev
9. Tony Thompson
10. Carlos Takam

Now, let's not fuck about here. Freedom and the rest of the Kliteratti will tell you that's a stacked division with a top ten ATG sitting at the top of the pile. But in any sense of reality, that's a fucking shit, shallow division right there. In fact, it's got about as much integrity as Weltschmerz's wedding vows.

People talk about the daft **** sitting at the top, and we've all heard the tales about how the Kliteratti claim that Japan really won World War II ("When the US nuked Hiroshima, Japan was ahead on points") but I liken Wlad's reign to going on a fuck spree through the back of a special bus. You come off, having sodomised thirty kids with down syndrome and say to someone "that proves I must be the greatest lover who ever lived - you can't argue with numbers."

But it's not just having a hugging, shaky-chinned faggot as the champ. Take a look at, say, No.9, Tony Thompson. Now, I LIKE Tony Thompson, he's a good guy, and he gave us the spectacle of David Price looking like Bambi on ice. TWICE. But I'm not saying a moderate-hitting 43-year-old who's lost two of his last four bouts ISN'T one of the top ten best heavyweights right now - I'm saying he SHOULDN'T be. It's like lining up your ten best supermodels for a show, and one of them's 58 with one leg missing. You're like "fuck it - it's the best I can do." Is the division THAT shallow that a 43-year-old with a 50% losing streak over the last two years the best it has to offer? I'm aware that there are a few heavyweights bubbling under who look very good offensively, but they're untested, obviously.

What about the rest? Deontay Wilder can obviously crack, but he fights like a kid in the playground who fell on his head when he was little. I've never seen someone so technically deficient reach such a high level. And while he HAS improved, the only person I've seen really get behind him is New England - a factor I attribute to Wilder having long arms more than anything else. In fact, when I asked for New England's top three P4P, he insisted it should be Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four and Stretch Armstrong. I pointed out that one was fictional and the other was a children's toy, but he showed me 50 skiing videos and insisted I hadn't shown him a pic of my cock, so that meant he'd won the argument. You can't dispute that.

Bermane Stiverne's a lazy fat **** who only shows hunger at the buffet table - the **** just tried to defend his "world" title and put up about as much of a fight as Beercules did against that dwarf who pushed his shit back in for him. Fury I give a pass to because he's funny, and being funny goes a long way. Povetski, as we saw, hasn't got the chin to handle a flush clinch. I haven't actually seen Glazkov or Takam, but from all accounts they're a right pair of ****s.

VERDICT: Poor.

How the **** did I not click on this sooner, ****in gold

[!! Anorak]

God bless, love... I'm struggling now we've got to the midgets.

[BennyST]

This is prime form Annie.

This is like Duran coming back to win the title over Barkley, after everyone said he was washed up and gonna get stopped.

...or something like that.