HBO: "Telling it like it is..." [A Boxing Parody]

[Interloper]

Emanuel Steward would have never said "he continued to persist, but I was having none'a'that," so that's where you lost me.

The phrase also doesn't make sense - to persist is to continue, so you're saying "he continued to continue."

[TintaBoricua]

ROUND 5…

Lampley: “A fight that has so far lived up to its hype as we head to round 5 in this action-packed bout! Kellerman runs towards Emanuel eager to pick up where they left off in the previous round.”

Lennox: “I think many people really underestimated Emanuel. I mean, with what we saw in the last round, I think it’s safe to say that he has a better chance of winning this fight than Max.”

Lampley: “Well, when you see a fighter pummeling his opponent against the corner and the round ends, it’s easy to say that.”

Lennox: “Yeah, but honestly, who would’ve thought that he would’ve been able to hurt Max, let alone last with him?”

Lampley: “I’ll agree with you there, Lennox. No one as a legitimate boxing fan gave Emanuel Steward the slightest chance of beating Max Kellerman, but he might do so tonight if he can continue to outpoint Kellerman and mentally wear him down throughout the course of this fight. Let’s go over to our unofficial ringside scorer, Harold Lederman. Harold, how do you have it?”

Lederman: “Okay, Jim! 37-37… Jim, I gotta’ tell ya’…I’m spazzin’ out! Emanuel Steward did a fantastic job in the first round, but in rounds 2 and 3, they were scored for Max Kellerman for clean, effective hard shots! The last round was up for grabs, but Emanuel Steward in the end stole the round with the combination he threw! It was a clever tactic. 37-37…an even fight. One more thing: you guys got anything for stains? I got mustard on my suit!”

*Everyone stares awkwardly at Lederman*

Lampley: “…….”

Lennox: “…….”

Merchant: “……”

Lederman: “JIM!”

Lampley: “All right, so far no significant blows landed. More clinching than the previous round nevertheless, particularly on Emanuel’s behalf.”

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Mills Lane: “Break! Break!”

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Lampley: “Emanuel is consistently circling to his left, warding off Kellerman’s wide looping punches and effectively tiring him out. Again they clinch as Emanuel gets momentarily stuck in a corner, Mills Lane breaks them up and Emanuel continues to circle. Kellerman feigns a right and catches Emanuel with a GOOD left hook as Emanuel tried to switch directions! Emanuel legs buckle!”

Lennox: “Ohh…he’s hurt.”

Lampley: “Kellerman POUNCES ON EMANUEL! BUT EMANUEL FIGHTS BACK, THEY’RE AT IT AGAIN! THEY’RE TRADING SHOTS! BUT AGAIN, EMANUEL GETS CAUGHT WITH ANOTHER…

Emanuel’s thoughts

“…left hook, you’re gonna’ stumble...

Lampley: “EMANUEL STUMBLES INTO THE CORNER!!!”

…he’s gonna’ chase you, land a 1,2 combination…

Lampley: “AND KELLERMAN CONTINUES TO POUR THE PRESSURE! HE COMES INTO EMANUEL WITH A 1,2 COMBINATION!!!”

...a right uppercut…

Lampley: “AND A RIGHT UPPERCUT RIPS INTO HIM! EMANUEL’S LEGS ARE GONE! THE ROPES ARE HOLDING HIM UP!”

...and then another left hook…

Lampley: “KELLERMAN SWINGS AWAY AND CLOBBERS EMANUEL WITH ANOTHER LEFT HOOK, AND HE IS DOWN!!! EMANUEL STEWARD IS DOWN FOR THE SECOND TIME IN THIS FIGHT!!!”

…and that’s it, it’s over!”

…it’s over!”

…it’s over!”

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Mills Lane: “Go to your corner!”

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Lampley: “THIS COULD BE IT RIGHT HERE! I DON’T THINK HE’S GONNA’ BE ABLE TO RECOVER!!!”

Mills Lane: “…4…5…”

Lampley: “EMANUEL GETS UP, BUT HIS LEGS ARE WOBBLY!! HE’S GOT DETERMINATION, BUT IT WON’T BE ENOUGH!”

Lennox: “I think they’re gonna’ stop it.”

Lane: “You okay? Walk toward me…”

*Emanuel walks towards Lane*

Lane: “Okay.”

Lampley: “The fight is going to continue. Emanuel looks completely unstable, and now Kellerman could finish him off! There is still more than half the round to go…and Emanuel…does not…look…good. KELLERMAN GETS EMANUEL UP AGAINST THE CORNER! HE’S LOOKING TO CLOSE THE SHOW RIGHT HERE!!! A DRAMATIC TURN AROUND OF EVENTS! THIS COULD BE IT!!! THIS COULD BE IT RIGHT HERE, BUT NO! EMANUEL SUDDENLY MANAGES TO HOLD ON, AND REFEREE MILLS LANE STEPS IN TO SEPARATE THEM! BUT KELLERMAN IS AT IT AGAIN, IT’S A REPEAT OF THE SECOND ROUND!!! EMANUEL IS CORNERED!!! HE’S NOT GONNA’ SURVIVE!!!”

Emanuel’s thoughts:

Rocky Balboa: “It ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward!”

*Rocky’s theme music starts playing*

Daaaaah-daaaaaah-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Daaaaah-daaaaaah-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Daaaaah-daaaaaah-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Daaaaah-daaaaaah-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Lennox: “Wow! Look at Emanuel go! He’s walking towards Max…with his hands down!...Wait a minute……no, well…….no, that isn’t good.”

Lampley: “What is Emanuel Steward thinking?! He’s walking straight into Kellerman’s punches, with both hands down, completely disregarding defense. Those are monstrous shots he’s taking! But he just shakes his head! It’s as if someone grafted an iron chin onto him after he hit the canvas! What insanity!”

Lennox: “Well, if he’s got the chin, he better take the opportunity to come back with his own offense!”

Lampley: “And he certainly does there as Emanuel lands a thunderous overhand right! NOW KELLERMAN IS HURT!!! TIDE HAS TURNED! TIDE…HAS…TURNED!!! HE’S RETREATING! HE DOESN’T WANT ANY PART OF EMANUEL! AND NOW IT’S KELLERMAN THAT’S TRAPPED AGAINST THE CORNER! HE GETS OUT OF THE CORNER! WAVES TO EMANUEL AS IF TO SAY, ‘I can take whatever you dish out!’, BUT IT’S APPARENT THAT HE CAN’T! EMANUEL LUNGES IN WITH A PIERCING STRAIGHT LEFT THAT FLOORS KELLERMAN DOWN! THE CROWD IS GOING ABSOLUTELY BERSERK!!! THIS IS SOMETHING AMAZING TO BEHOLD!!!”

Mills Lane: “……4…5…6…”

Lampley: “KELLERMAN IS UP, AND HE’S WAVED IN TO CONTINUE! BUT HE DOESN’T RUN AWAY! HE WANTS TO FIGHT EMANUEL! BOTH FIGHTERS HAVE A SENSE OF URGENCY; THEY BOTH BELIEVE THEY CAN END THINGS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!”

Emanuel’s thoughts:

“Think about everyone you know…this is for them! For Tommy, for Wlad, for all those opportunities I never got! This is for them, this is for me…and everyone who believed in me!”

Kellerman’s thoughts:

“Wow! So THIS is what it’s like to be disoriented and on ***** street! It feels weird! No! Enough of that! Time to focus! This guy wants to pound me and I’m not gonna’ let ‘em! I’m gonna’ prove myself!”

Lampley: “BOTH FIGHTERS AGAIN EXCHANGING RECKLESSLY! SOMEONE’S GOING TO GET CAUGHT! VICIOUS BODY BLOWS! HARD HOOKS TO THE HEAD! FEARSOME UPPERCUTS! THEY’RE BOTH LANDING EVERY PUNCH IN THE BOOK!!! HOW CAN THEY WITHSTAND THE PAIN THEY’RE FEELING?!”

*THUCK!*

Lampley: “OOOOOOOOOH!!!”

Lennox: “That was definitely epic…definitely epic.”

Merchant: “I can’t believe…what I have just witnessed.”

Lederman: “JIM! I got the stain out!”

*Sees what’s happened inside the ring*

Lederman: “Hoooooooooooooly shi—

TO BE CONTINUED...

[TintaBoricua]

Lampley: “BOTH FIGHTERS ARE ON THE CANVAS AFTER TRADING SIMULTANEOUS RIGHT HOOKS!!! THEY’RE BOTH COMPLETELY PUNCH DRUNK!!! IT’S ANYBODY’S FIGHT NOW!!! MILLS LANE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! HE’S LOOKING RIGHT AND LEFT AND BEGINS TO COUNT!!!”

…5…6...

Lampley: “KELLERMAN AND EMANUEL ARE TRYING TO GET BACK UP ON THEIR FEET, BUT THEY CAN’T!!! THEY’RE STRUGGLING TO GET UP BY THE ROPES, BUT THEY CAN’T!!! THEY’RE FALLING BACK DOWN AGAIN!!!”

9…10!

Lampley: “IT’S OVER!!! IN A COMPLETELY SHOCKING MANNER, BOTH FIGHTERS WIND UP ON THE CANVAS AND ARE COUNTED OUT ON THEIR WAY TO A DRAW AFTER DISPLAYING AMAZING HEART AND DETERMINATION!!! WHAT A FIGHT!”

Merchant: “A bloody…masterpiece.”

Lampley: “Odds were overwhelmingly in Kellerman’s favor, several people in the crowd believed it would be quick work on Kellerman’s behalf to come and dispose of Emanuel…and they were wrong. Whatever little supporters of Emanuel existed were wrong as well on the outcome of the fight…nobody won, but nevertheless an exciting fight. Let’s take a look at Compubox results: Emanuel landing many more punches than Kellerman, a remarkable 75% of punches connected: 175 out of 233 compared to Kellerman’s 32%. And in power punches, it was Kellerman that outlanded Emanuel: connecting 82%, 56 out of 68 power punches, as Emanuel connected 20 out of 66…what a fight here in Madison Square Garden, a grand finale to a grand fight.”

Lennox: “And you know, it’s surprising…that Emanuel won that fight, because I was pulling for him.”

Lampley: “Lennox…? The fight is a draw.”

Lennox: “No, it isn’t, Jim. It’s not official until Michael Buffer says it is.”

Lampley: “You wanna’ bet on it?”

Lennox: “I’ll definitely bet on it.”

Lampley: “Okay, what do you want to bet?”

Lennox: “…Nah, forget it. I change my mind.”

Lampley: “Aaaaaaaaaggh. You pansy.”

Lennox: “Jim, do I have to remind you that I’m bigger than you?”

Lampley: “……”

Lennox: “Don’t make me smack you, Jim. You wouldn’t like getting smacked around.”

Lampley: “……”

Lennox: “You know what it feels like to be knocked out?”

Lampley: “No, how does it feel?”

*Lennox clobbers Lederman with a right haymaker*

Lennox: “How does it feel, Harold?”

Lederman: “The Sugar Ray Leonard/Thomas Hearns fight is scheduled for 15 rounds! There is NO three knockdown rule, only the referee can…

Lampley: “Wow! You bopped him into last week.”

Lennox: “No, I…I…bopped him into 20 years ago.”

Lampley: “That is something…”

Lederman: “JIM!”

Lampley: “Can you teach me that?”

Lennox: “Sure, Jim. What you do is…you put your arm like this.”

*Lennox helps Lampley get into a pose*

Lennox: “See what you’re doing is, you’re loading up your punch. You’re winding up. Okay, now…visualize the target. I want you to look at my face…like a bullseye.”

Lampley: “Okay.”

Lennox: “And when you’re ready, let the punch go.”

Lampley: “Should I…? Should I attack?”

Lennox: “Yeah, go ahead. Don’t be afraid. Just punch when you’re ready.”

Lampley: “Hyyyyaaaa—

*Lennox quickly counterpunches Lampley before he can do anything*

*THUCK!!*

*Lampley falls back*

Lennox: “That’s what we call a counterpunch. It’s more painful than getting knocked out from an incoming punch you can at least see. You can’t see a counterpunch…”

*Lennox looks around and smiles gleefully, gets out of his chair and sits on Lampley’s*

Lennox: “……Yay! Now, uhh…let’s go to Michael Buffer for the particulars…I’ve always wanted to say that.”

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Michael Buffer: “Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for these two warriors…”

*Long applause*

Michael Buffer: “Referee Mills Lane stops the contest at 2 minutes and 2 seconds into Round number 5 as neither fighter could regain after the ten-count. Ladies and gentlemen, the fight is a draw.”

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Merchant: “Max…how did you feel…you do…in this war?”

Kellerman: “Tsh. I think I did pretty good, you know? I was pretty nervous at the start, but once I started to apply the pressure, I thought…tsh, you know I’ll be honest with you. I thought I was going to win.”

Merchant: “Well…it started to look like that. Tell us about…the knockdown. Did you think that he would be able to knock you down?”

Kellerman: “No, I didn’t. I foresaw him giving me trouble, but I didn’t really expect him to actually knock me down. When he did, I was stunned as everybody.”

Merchant: “Were you hurt?”

Kellerman: “No, I wasn’t hurt. He got me with a straight left, but I shrugged it off. It wasn’t a big deal. His punches aren’t really compact, they’re just quick. They just grazed me.”

Merchant: “That straight left didn’t look like it grazed you.”

Kellerman: “No it didn’t. He caught me on that one, but other than that, I think I did a good job. My trainer and promoters, gotta’ give them their credit.”

Merchant: “Is there anything else in the future for Max Kellerman besides commentating?”

Kellerman: “Larry, you better make some space, because I don’t intend on staying here. This was a one-time deal only. I’m sticking to commentating. This is just too painful.”

Merchant: “All right, thanks a lot, Max. We wish you the best.”

Kellerman: “Thanks a lot, Larry.”

*Merchant turns over to Emanuel Steward*

Merchant: “Emanuel?”

*Crowd cheers loudly*

Merchant: “I’d say you won over a lot of fans tonight. Are you satisfied with the turnout of this fight?”

Emanuel: “Welllll…not particularly proud of this result. But the problem was that I started trading with him. You saw that, didn’t you, Larry? I had him in trouble in the fourth round, and I can’t believe how fast he recovered from those blows he sustained. I caught him with such good shots, too. If the fourth round had been a little longer, the fight would’ve ended there.”

Merchant: “Unfortunately, if we were to use suppositions…”

Emanuel: “Well, I understand that. I’m not making any excuses, though. Max fought a fantastic fight and he did pretty well for this being his first…and at this stage…it’s a feat in its own right.”

Merchant: “Give us your take on when you went down twice throughout the fight.”

Emanuel: “Well, I was obviously hurt at the beginning, he got me with some good punches, but I was able to get him back for it……he hit my nuts. Anyway, I was really shaky, but then I started to think about my favorite fighters and those I’ve trained and got that second wind. My first knockdown wasn’t really damaging, he caught me off balance and it was a weak knockdown. It ticked me off, but I worked through it.”

Merchant: “This would be a perfect opportunity to clarify…are you or are you not going to retire from boxing?”

Emanuel: “Those were just rumors that started circling around when…it’s fake. Like Max said, it was a one-time deal. I got it out of my system. I’m going to permanently retire from boxing…”

Merchant: “From everything?”

Emanuel: “I’m going back to commentating and training…I’m too old for this.”

Merchant: *Laughs out loud* “You think?!”

Emanuel: “I could fight if I wanted to, I showed everybody I can still fight, but I can’t hold out for too many rounds, I get tired easily.”

Merchant: “Emanuel…thank you…for a very entertaining fight.”

Kellerman: “I’d like to say something…”

*Cheesy inspirational Rocky music*

Kellerman: “If I can change! You can change! Everybody can change!”

*Crickets chirping*

Stallone: “Hey, thuz fram muh moovy, yeow.”

Merchant: “Yeah…?”

Emanuel: “……”

Lennox: “……”

Kellerman: “……”

Lampley: “……”

Lederman: “JIM!”

FIN

Comments/Suggestions appreciated. Leave any feedback. I wrote this a few years ago and thought I'd re-upload it on boxingscene. I have a part 2 I'm working on, though you could say it's outdated (because it would be set in 2010, when the boxing panorama was a little bit different than it is now).

Anyway, take care, ladies and gents.