Classical Quotes by Memorable Characters

[Nautilus]

Source: ESB

The lighter Side of the Game

03.10.05 - By James Allan: Boxing has without doubt thrown up some memorable characters and some classic quotes. The game can very often be a brutal business. Injuries, both minor and serious occur and death sometimes stalks the sport. Fighters get ripped off, fans get ripped off and promoters and managers too often are the ones who profit from it. But after saying all this, it has produced some of the funniest characters to ever get involved in organised sport.

Max Baer, Willie Pep, Bob Arum, Jack Johnson, Sam Langford the list of quotable figures is almost endless. However, there are to my mind, three men who stand above the rest when it comes to delivering classic one liners and put down’s.

1. James Toney

Toney is without doubt the most consistentely funny guy in boxing today. His put downs and smart arse remarks are fast propelling him into legendary status. No matter what the rest of his fighting career holds for him his trash talking alone deserves to earn him a place in the hall of fame –

“The fight with Ruiz is going to be any way he wants to make it. He can do it the hard way, get beat up for 12 rounds and end up in the hospital. Or, he can do it the easy way, get hit on the chin and go to sleep.”

“John Ruiz, he younger than me and I destroyed him with one hand!”

“Evander and I are great warriors. We put blood and guts in the ring. We do not run around and hug and kiss. Well, Evander might do that, but I do not.”

“Dominick Guinn was the only one in the top 10 who had the balls to get into the ring with me! You got Chris Byrd, Wladimir Klitschko, Vitali Klitschko. They all suddenly gotta be doin' something else or having surgery or something like that.”

“The Klitschkos, they suck. Chris Byrd, I will put him to sleep. Chris Byrd is garbage. Fres Oquendo is garbage. Every heavyweight in the division is garbage.”

“You do not want anyone to run around for 12 rounds unless you are in the ballet.”

“I was not right the first time against Jones. He took advantage of it and won the fight. Bring his ass on now. Bring anybody. Lewis, Klitschko, Tyson, Jones, their mommas. I will knock them all out.”

2. Muhammed Ali

All right, so it’s an obvious one, but the fact still remains that Ali was one of the most quotable boxing figure of all time. Ali could be cruel, Joe Frazier knows that only too well, but he could also be hysterically funny. Here are a few of his to remind us why he is still called the greatest –

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

"Howard Cosell was gonna be a boxer when he was a kid—only they couldn't find a mouthpiece big enough."

When asked about his golf game: "I'm the best. I just haven't played yet."

Ali talking about Floyd Patterson - “He's too short, he’s to slow, he can’t take a punch, he don’t hit hard and he hasn’t got the footwork.”


“Fifteen referees. I want fifteen referees to be at this fight because there ain't no one man who can keep up with the pace I'm gonna set except me. There's not a man alive who can whup me. I'm too fast. I'm too smart. I'm too pretty. I should be a postage stamp. That's the only way I'll ever get licked.”

“My toughest fight was with my first wife, and she won every round.”

“I'm so fast that last night I turned the light switch off in my bedroom and I was in bed before the room was dark.”

"It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am."

3. Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb

Cobb is the funniest guy to ever lace up a pair of boxing gloves. Even Cobb’s throwaway quotes would be diamond’s in someone else’s mouth. Not the best fighter to ever challenge for the Heavyweight title, he is without doubt the most hilarious. There are so many brilliant Cobb quotes that it would be impossible to list them all. If I could choose just one boxer to sit and talk to, Cobb would be the one I would pick. Here are a few of his best to help you understand why -



Cobb’s reply on being told that his savage beating against Larry Holmes persuaded Howard Cosell to never again commentate on another boxing match. "If I had known that’s what it would take to get Cosell to quit doing boxing I would have fought Holmes a long time ago."

Cobb responding to a reporter who had called him a fat, ******* snorting drunk.
"I'm not fat."

Cobb on after being knocked down in a fight he was involved in -

"When I got up I stuck to my plan -- stumbling forward and getting hit in the face."

Cobb on an attempt to berate Don King -
"I was at this affair with a bunch of different people involved in the boxing business, and King shows up. I stood up and called him every name in the book. King was slick, though. He extended an arm my way, took the floor, and said, ‘Let’s hear it for Tex Cobb, a great entertainer, great showman…’ He made it sound like I was just putting on."

“I was once knocked out by a Mexican bantamweight - six of my pals were swinging him around by his heels at the time.”

“Philadelphia is the only place where you see two winos in a street fight jabbing.”

“Larry Holmes doesn't hit as hard as Earnie Shavers. Nobody hits like Shavers. If anybody hit harder than Shavers, I'd shoot him.”

Cobb on being asked his best punch – “I don't know, I've never hit myself.”

I hope you enjoyed these and I hope some of them you haven’t heard before, but even if you have, they are always worth hearing again.

[Run]

James Toney is not only the funniest boxer, he is the funniest professional athlete in total.

All that guy has to do is make noises.



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[Nautilus]

James Toney is not only the funniest boxer, he is the funniest professional athlete in total.

All that guy has to do is make noises.

I think Ali's humor is of a whole another quality, a much better one. This is a matter of taste, of course.

[Tony Blitz]

Mike Tyson:
“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

On Lennox Lewis

"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

On Evander Holyfield

"You got nothing coming, man. I'm going to enjoy this fight."

After biting Holyfield he said, "This is my career. I have children to raise. I have to retaliate. He butted me. Look at me. My kids will be scared of me."

"I felt Holyfield was using his head illegally. I told the referee I wasn't getting any help, so I went back to the streets. I cannot defend it, but it happened."

On Razor Ruddock

"You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."

On Tyrell Biggs

Tyson on Tyrell Biggs' complaining to him about low blows "Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherf**ker you're fittin' to die!"

"He was screaming like my wife."

"I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time."

On His Wife

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

"Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It's all lies. I have never laid a finger on her."

On His Childhood

"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile ******."

On Fans

To a question on whether he feels support from the common fan: "I don't feel love from them because there's no love. They don't know me as an individual; they know me for what I actually do. Because they pay to see me smash anybody. If they're white they pay, [it's] because the only thing they have respect for is my ability as an athlete. But if I was in court and I had to use them to testify against me on my character, they wouldn't testify positively against me and they would think I'm a cad..."

"There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right."

"I think the average person thinks I'm a f**king nut and I deserve whatever happens to me. That's what I believe."

"When you see me smash somebody's skull, you enjoy it."

On His Time in Prison

"You have to understand, Frank Bruno would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. Oliver McCall would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. A lot of these guys would not have been champion. Michael Moorer would not have been champion. Those guys would not have been champion if I had been around. They would have had no legacy. None of those guys would have had a legacy."

"I would have been in shape. I would have been active. Holyfield, those guys wouldn't have been champion when I was around, but I went away for four or five years inactive and that made them competitive for a time."

"But you really have to look at the science of the situation. You guys come here to talk and report but you don't actually look at the facts of what this business is all about. The best thing that happened to those guys and they should stand on their mother's shoulders and kiss my ass because I went to prison or they would not be existing right now. They'd be a flash in the pan and would have made some money and opened up a restaurant or bar somewhere where they live at."

On Boxing

"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

"Everyone in boxing probably makes out well except for the fighter. He's the only one that's on Skid Row most of the time; he's the only one that everybody just leaves when he loses his mind. He sometimes goes insane, he sometimes goes on the bottle, because it's a highly intensive pressure sport that allows people to just lose it [their self-control]."

"How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They're just as good as dead."

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

Tyson: "It's interesting that you put me in the league with those illustrious fighters [Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis, Jack Johnson], but I've proved since my career I've surpassed them as far my popularity. I'm the biggest fighter in the history of the sport. If you don't believe it, check the cash register."

"Without discipline, no matter how good you are, you are nothing! One day, and I might not be around; you're going to meet a tough guy who takes your best shot. He'll keep coming because he's tough. Don't get discouraged. That's when the discipline comes in."

"I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I'm going to strip them of their health. I bring pain, a lot of pain."

On His Family

"No one gives a f**k about me. No one cares if my children starve, if they're on welfare. I have to support my children. I need more money."

Mike, on his mother who died in 1982: "I never saw my mother happy with me and proud of me for doing something: She only knew me as being a wild kid running the streets, coming home with new clothes that she knew I didn't pay for. I never got a chance to talk to her or know about her. Professionally, it has no effect, but it's crushing emotionally and personally."

[Tony Blitz]

On the Media

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

[To a female reporter] "It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

"People [are] going to say what they say. It has to be for a reason. It's just for a reason. I know sometimes I say things; I offend people. I ask this lady a lewd question because I'm in a lot of pain too. I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. And Lewis, I'm trying to give some of that pain to ya'll."

"You gentlemen have no idea what it's like to be myself, no idea what it's like. I'm not interested in being humiliated anymore."

"Sometimes you guys have no pride, so no matter what I say, you guys ... it doesn't affect you because you don't care about nothing but money. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass and stomp on you and put some kind of pain and inflict some of the pain on you because you deserve to feel the pain that I feel."

"If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a ****sexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

On Religion

"All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

"I feel like sometimes that I was born, that I'm not meant for this society because everyone here is a f**king hypocrite. Everybody says they believe in God but they don't do God's work. Everybody counteracts what God is really about. If Jesus was here, do you think Jesus would show me any love? Do you think Jesus would love me? I'm a ******, but do you think Jesus would love me ... I think Jesus would have a drink with me and discuss ... why you acting like that? Now, he would be cool. He would talk to me. No Christian ever did that and said in the name of Jesus even ... They'd throw me in jail and write bad articles about me and then go to church on Sunday and say Jesus is a wonderful man and he's coming back to save us. But they don't understand that when he comes back, that these crazy greedy capitalistic men are gonna kill him again."

Stacey McKinley: "He sees a guy beggin' in the street and he gives him a hundred dollars. I'll say, 'Man, y'know the guy's just gonna spend it on crack!' But he says, 'I leave it to Allah to judge him.'"

"I'm a man. I lived it and I'm not afraid to die but when I die I'm going to paradise and I'm not worried."

On Himself

"The one thing I know, everyone respects the true person and everyone's not true with themselves. All of these people who are heroes, these guys who have been lily white and clean all their lives, if they went through what I went through, they would commit suicide. They don't have the heart that I have. I've lived places they can't defecate in."

"I'm not Mother Teresa. But I'm also not Charles Manson!"

"Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It's like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you can't control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you. If you can control your fear, it makes you more alert, like a deer coming across the lawn."

"I'm just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too. I think it's un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my **** ****** ... It's just what I said before, everybody in this country is a big f**king liar. [The media] tells people ... that this person did this and this person did that and then we find out that were just human and we find out that Michael Jordan cheats on his wife just like everybody else and that we all cheat on our f**king wife in one way or another either emotionally, physically or sexually or one way."

"There's no one perfect. We're always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious -- but we're not criminally, at least I'm not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people -- it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of my most of my money, can I at least get [oral sex] without the people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?"

"At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that's who you come to see."

"I'm the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I'm like that is because, at 21, you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I didn't know what to do. I'm from the ******. I don't know how to act. One day I'm in a dope house robbing somebody. The next thing I know, 'You're the heavyweight champion of the world.' ... Who am I? What am I? I don't even know who I am. I'm just a dumb child. I'm being abused. I'm being robbed by lawyers. I think I have more money than I do. I'm just a dumb pugnacious fool. I'm just a fool who thinks I'm someone. And you tell me I should be responsible?"

On His Mental Health

"I don't know if I'm mentally sick, but I have... episodes sometimes. I'm a depressant kind of dude. I have episodes, and I'm human. But no one cares about my health as a human because sometimes I'm in my episodes when I'm at work."

"Well, [contemplating suicide] goes through everyone's mind, I'm sure. And if it doesn't I really must be crazy. Everyone thinks about that because sometimes, you know what I mean, it's just tough being a ni**er and it's tough being a bad ni**er."

I don't react to a tragic happening any more. I took so many bad things as a kid and some people think I don't care about anything. It's just too hard for me to get emotional. I can't cry no more."

"I'm on the Zoloft [an antidepressant] to keep from killing y'all."

On America

"I'm just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can't make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on ****, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime."

Miscellaneous Quotes

"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."

"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."

"I like the British bikes. I like British people. They're real mellow."

"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

"I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass."

"I just want to conquer people and their souls."

[IwatchBoxing]

Those are good, I had to use two for my signature.

[Run]

I think Ali's humor is of a whole another quality, a much better one. This is a matter of taste, of course.

Yeah that's true. I still think juvenile humor is funnier than "Witty Rhetorts".

Toney sticking his tounge out and making a loud grunt is funnier than Ali making up a silly rhyme.



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[scap]

HBo did a piece on Iran Barkley before he fought James Toney and Jim Lampley was interviewing IRan and Jim asked IRan about how he was getting up there in age and if he should lose what would he do next...

Iran gave the best answer I have ever heard and he had Jim Lampley absolutely stunned, he said...

"Jim Im gonna rob your house"