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ROUND ONE
The fight begins with both men feeling each other out, which isn’t easy with wraps and gloves on. They circle each other. Then, in case there are any MMA fans around, they octagon each other. They exchange left hands, but agree they both look silly with different color hands on their wrists. Both are given crayons, and the round is declared a draw.
ROUND TWO
Already worn out and totally confused, Golota seeks to end things with a well-aimed uppercut…to Evander’s groin. He’s warned by Mills Lane, “This could be a D.Q.” But for Golota “D.Q.” is more English than he can understand. He also has no I.Q.
Lane looks the other way when Evander retaliates with a head butt.
Announcer Maura Ranallo cracks, “I recall Mills letting Evander head butt during the Tyson fight. I’m going down Memory Lane. Get it? Get it? Memory Lane!” Al Bernstein breaks up with fake laughter.
Evander comes in once again, head first, and Golota tries to bite his ear, but misses, since that part of the ear is already gone.
Holyfield lands a shot that buckles Golota’s knees and turns him around and sends him flying into the corner where he turnbuckles his face. As Golota slides to the canvas, Mlls Lane warns “No head butt!” So Evander races backwards into Andrew, and butts his head with his butt instead.
Mills Lane calls “Time!” Somebody throws him a stop watch. Seeing that there are only a few seconds left in the round, he waits for the bell to sound. Nobody can hear it over the outraged roars from the crowd, so Mauro Ranallo shouts “Mamma Mia” again, and adds a high decibel, ringing fart.
ROUND THREE
Debris is thrown into the ring. That’s director Roger Debris. He minces away from the ring apron, then comes back and takes the ring apron with him, figuring it would make a very nice gown. As the third round begins, Golota’s next uppercut is again low. Mauro Ranallo cries, “That’s so far South, Evander’s protector should be called a DIXIE cup!” Al Bernstein giggles like a schoolgirl and says, “How do you come up with these brilliant ad-libs?”
Mills Lane shouts, “I’m taking a point away.” He grabs a file and tries to smooth down the top of Mauro Ranallo’s head. This causes Mauro to flinch, and drop 5 pages of his prepared ad-libs.
ROUND FOUR
Golota take a bite out of Evander’s shoulder. Mills Lane rules that Evander’s trainer is to blame, having rubbed down Evander with olive oil instead of liniment. Mauro cries “Mamma Mia!” and his mother hands him a pizza, with extra olive oil.
Golota reaches down and takes a bite out of it. A point is deducted from Golota…the point of Mauro Ranallo’s head that Mills Lane had filed off, and that dropped onto the pizza. Golota spits out the piece of Mauro’s head, grumbling “It tasted like Samson Po'uha.”
Evander takes a snack break of his own, sipping a bowl of alphabet soup and going for the K O. He can’t find it. He sourly complains “This alphabet soup is full of P.”
ROUND FIVE
For losing control of the fight, Mills Lane is replaced as referee by Randy Newman. Newman sings out, “You have a friend in ME,” and then stops. “I think they wanted Randy Neumann." He leaves, singing “I Love L.A.,” thinking he’s at the Staples Center. Actually, this fight is taking place in Madison Square Garden. It was going to take place at Macy’s, but with all the looting, there weren’t any seats there. Not even in the “bargain lawn furniture” section. No, all the Macy's lawn chairs are now in Poe Park on Fordham Road in the Bronx.
Upset he hasn’t yet been disqualified, an exhausted Andrew Golota simultaneously bites Evander’s shoulder AND drives another low blow into his groin — his own groin. While Mauro’s Polish joke about this is blocked by a five-second delay, there’s only a three-second delay before Golota falls to the canvas.
Lou Duva collapses, too. Not because his fighter got hurt. He wasn’t even in Golota’s corner, he was over at the concession stand eating a hot dog. Before he dropped, Lou spat out the hot dog and said “It tasted like Samson Po’uha.” Randy Neumann counts to ten, and everyone congratulates him. Not every ref can do that correctly. Ask Jersey Joe Walcott at the Liston-Ali fight.
Michael Buffer doesn’t declare “EVANDER, REAL MEAL HOOOLYFIELD,” the winner, because this is a budget fantasy fight. A much cheaper announcer is in the ring, the guy with the goofy nose and obscenely long dreadlocks that he uses for wiping his ass. “MAMMA MIA,” cries out Mauro, but the ring announcer shouts back, “No, I’m not yo’ Mamma, I’m David Diamante! Yo’ mamma is uglier!”
Fights breaks out, which New York’s Mayor De Blasio blames on a white cop in Minneapolis. “I want to be re-elected,” he explains. Andrew Golota low-blows De Blasio and Evander Holyfield head-butts him. Michael Bentt comes out of retirement and bites De Blasio, too. “Did he taste like Samson Po’uha?” Mauro asks. Bentt says, “No, he tasted more like Herbie’s hide. Tough as a past-expiration Slim Jim from 7-11.”
Mauro calls out: “Mamma Mia, this is like a bad dream. Or something even worse: the transcript of a fantasy fight!”
The fight begins with both men feeling each other out, which isn’t easy with wraps and gloves on. They circle each other. Then, in case there are any MMA fans around, they octagon each other. They exchange left hands, but agree they both look silly with different color hands on their wrists. Both are given crayons, and the round is declared a draw.
ROUND TWO
Already worn out and totally confused, Golota seeks to end things with a well-aimed uppercut…to Evander’s groin. He’s warned by Mills Lane, “This could be a D.Q.” But for Golota “D.Q.” is more English than he can understand. He also has no I.Q.
Lane looks the other way when Evander retaliates with a head butt.
Announcer Maura Ranallo cracks, “I recall Mills letting Evander head butt during the Tyson fight. I’m going down Memory Lane. Get it? Get it? Memory Lane!” Al Bernstein breaks up with fake laughter.
Evander comes in once again, head first, and Golota tries to bite his ear, but misses, since that part of the ear is already gone.
Holyfield lands a shot that buckles Golota’s knees and turns him around and sends him flying into the corner where he turnbuckles his face. As Golota slides to the canvas, Mlls Lane warns “No head butt!” So Evander races backwards into Andrew, and butts his head with his butt instead.
Mills Lane calls “Time!” Somebody throws him a stop watch. Seeing that there are only a few seconds left in the round, he waits for the bell to sound. Nobody can hear it over the outraged roars from the crowd, so Mauro Ranallo shouts “Mamma Mia” again, and adds a high decibel, ringing fart.
ROUND THREE
Debris is thrown into the ring. That’s director Roger Debris. He minces away from the ring apron, then comes back and takes the ring apron with him, figuring it would make a very nice gown. As the third round begins, Golota’s next uppercut is again low. Mauro Ranallo cries, “That’s so far South, Evander’s protector should be called a DIXIE cup!” Al Bernstein giggles like a schoolgirl and says, “How do you come up with these brilliant ad-libs?”
Mills Lane shouts, “I’m taking a point away.” He grabs a file and tries to smooth down the top of Mauro Ranallo’s head. This causes Mauro to flinch, and drop 5 pages of his prepared ad-libs.
ROUND FOUR
Golota take a bite out of Evander’s shoulder. Mills Lane rules that Evander’s trainer is to blame, having rubbed down Evander with olive oil instead of liniment. Mauro cries “Mamma Mia!” and his mother hands him a pizza, with extra olive oil.
Golota reaches down and takes a bite out of it. A point is deducted from Golota…the point of Mauro Ranallo’s head that Mills Lane had filed off, and that dropped onto the pizza. Golota spits out the piece of Mauro’s head, grumbling “It tasted like Samson Po'uha.”
Evander takes a snack break of his own, sipping a bowl of alphabet soup and going for the K O. He can’t find it. He sourly complains “This alphabet soup is full of P.”
ROUND FIVE
For losing control of the fight, Mills Lane is replaced as referee by Randy Newman. Newman sings out, “You have a friend in ME,” and then stops. “I think they wanted Randy Neumann." He leaves, singing “I Love L.A.,” thinking he’s at the Staples Center. Actually, this fight is taking place in Madison Square Garden. It was going to take place at Macy’s, but with all the looting, there weren’t any seats there. Not even in the “bargain lawn furniture” section. No, all the Macy's lawn chairs are now in Poe Park on Fordham Road in the Bronx.
Upset he hasn’t yet been disqualified, an exhausted Andrew Golota simultaneously bites Evander’s shoulder AND drives another low blow into his groin — his own groin. While Mauro’s Polish joke about this is blocked by a five-second delay, there’s only a three-second delay before Golota falls to the canvas.
Lou Duva collapses, too. Not because his fighter got hurt. He wasn’t even in Golota’s corner, he was over at the concession stand eating a hot dog. Before he dropped, Lou spat out the hot dog and said “It tasted like Samson Po’uha.” Randy Neumann counts to ten, and everyone congratulates him. Not every ref can do that correctly. Ask Jersey Joe Walcott at the Liston-Ali fight.
Michael Buffer doesn’t declare “EVANDER, REAL MEAL HOOOLYFIELD,” the winner, because this is a budget fantasy fight. A much cheaper announcer is in the ring, the guy with the goofy nose and obscenely long dreadlocks that he uses for wiping his ass. “MAMMA MIA,” cries out Mauro, but the ring announcer shouts back, “No, I’m not yo’ Mamma, I’m David Diamante! Yo’ mamma is uglier!”
Fights breaks out, which New York’s Mayor De Blasio blames on a white cop in Minneapolis. “I want to be re-elected,” he explains. Andrew Golota low-blows De Blasio and Evander Holyfield head-butts him. Michael Bentt comes out of retirement and bites De Blasio, too. “Did he taste like Samson Po’uha?” Mauro asks. Bentt says, “No, he tasted more like Herbie’s hide. Tough as a past-expiration Slim Jim from 7-11.”
Mauro calls out: “Mamma Mia, this is like a bad dream. Or something even worse: the transcript of a fantasy fight!”
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