"Fighting Words" — Dropping the (Crystal) Ball on 2016
by David P. Greisman
Once a year, every year, I peer. I peer and I peer until the future becomes clear.
My crystal ball tells all. But I only use it for one thing.
I don’t seek stock market tips or the winning lottery numbers or the locations of hidden treasure. I need not enrich myself when all the money in the world wouldn’t be worth as much as the joy I get in enlightening you.
The world of boxing is a weird one. Here is the fortune — and misfortune — to come:
JANUARY
Ricardo Mayorga modernizes his shtick, winning a fight and then vaping from an e-cigarette.
Boxing curiosity Mike Lee appears on the Deontay Wilder-Artur Szpilka undercard in Brooklyn, loses for the first time and then immediately loses his commercial endorsement, going from being on Subway commercials to merely being on the subway.
Adrien Broner vs. Ashley Theophane is announced even though Broner has the WBA title and Theophane is nowhere within the sanctioning body’s Top 15 at junior welterweight. Broner-Theophane instead takes place at 142 pounds, or as the WBA came to call it over the past two years, Danny Garcia Weight.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. officially moves back down to super middleweight, signs for a fight in March with a contractual limit of 168 pounds.
FEBRUARY
Bermane Stiverne loses again, changes his nickname from “B. Ware” to “B-Side.”
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. has the weight limit for his March fight changed to 171 pounds.
Scott Quigg and Carl Frampton draw a huge crowd in Manchester, pulling in an impressive number of fans for two 122-pound fighters who these days truly equal only one Ricky Hatton.
MARCH
Terence “Bud” Crawford changes his nickname to whichever beer company is sponsoring his fight.
Adrien Broner becomes the first boxer to come to the ring on a hoverboard. After it malfunctions and catches fire, Broner also becomes the last boxer to come to the ring on a hoverboard.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. comes in at 173 pounds on the scale and then rehydrates to 195 pounds by fight night.
Californian junior flyweight Kaiyana Rain gets married to Danish light heavyweight Kristoffer Storm. The ceremony is presided over by former 175-pound titleholder Tavoris Cloud. It is a sunny day.
APRIL
A disinterested, distracted Manny Pacquiao loses a clear unanimous decision to Timothy Bradley. The pay-per-view does fewer buys than did Floyd Mayweather’s final fight against Andre Berto.
Paulie Malignaggi, already the first fighter to tweet during his own bout, blazes a new trail by becoming the first to do live commentary for Showtime while he boxes.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. officially moves back up to light heavyweight, signs for a fight in June with a contractual limit of 175 pounds.
Wladimir Klitschko parts ways with trainer Johnathon Banks and brings in Teddy Atlas.
MAY
The increasing amount of boxing broadcasts on network television and cable leads to experiments in crossover programming. This brings about a trio of former champions who have since turned into aged globetrotters — Glen Johnson, Roy Jones Jr. and James Toney — being featured on a very special episode of “Antiques Roadshow.”
That, in turn, is followed by every single promoter setting up a crossover with “The Walking Dead,” as it’s become the norm for today’s best boxers to face opponents who don’t have a pulse.
But that’s not all. With “Sesame Street” now on HBO, the show decides to replace Elmo with another character whose English is so fractured that it’s endearingly cute — Gennady Golovkin.
Manny Pacquiao is elected into the Senate of the Philippines.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. has the weight limit for his June fight changed to 178 pounds.
JUNE
Hallmark, seeing a moneymaking opportunity from the number of fighters signed with boxing’s most powerful adviser, introduces a new line of Al Haymon-themed thank-you cards.
Manny Pacquiao gives up his political spot in the Philippines, moves to California and announces a run for a vacant seat representing his new home state in the U.S. Government.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. comes in at 182 pounds on the scale and then rehydrates to 204 pounds by fight night.
Wladimir Klitschko loses his rematch to Tyson Fury in a shocking technical knockout, with the always-prone-to-repetition Teddy Atlas once again trying his “We Are Firemen” speech, only to have Klitschko laugh so hard that he can’t make it out of the corner.
JULY
Jarrod “Left Jab” Fletcher moves up from middleweight to super middleweight to face Jeff “Left Hook” Lacy. The fight ends on a right uppercut.
Following in the footsteps of Roy Jones’ relationship with Russia, tourism officials in Prague attempt to woo Floyd Mayweather Jr. out of retirement, promising him riches so long as he renames his vaunted counter left hand “The Czech Hook.”
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. officially moves up to cruiserweight, signs for a fight in September with a contractual limit of 200 pounds.
AUGUST
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. has the weight limit for his September fight changed to 205 pounds.
Flyweight titleholder Amnat Ruenroeng is fired from his side job as a telephone customer service representative after repeatedly putting callers on hold for extended periods. “But I get away with this kind of thing in boxing,” he tells his supervisor, to no avail.
American women once again pull in more medals in Olympic boxing than do the men. Promoters in the United States continue to ignore them even though the mixed martial arts show featuring Ronda Rousey vs. Holly Holm in 2015 pulled in a buy rate of more than 1 million and despite the warm reception that World Wrestling Entertainment fans have provided during an increased spotlight on female wrestlers.
Canelo Alvarez opts against facing Gennady Golovkin. The WBC enables his decision by creating a new weight class between 154 and 155 pounds: the super junior middleweight division.
SEPTEMBER
Keith Thurman makes headlines on TMZ for cheating on his significant other, is forced to change his nickname from “One Time” to “Two Timer.”
Antonio Tarver faces Guillermo Jones in a battle of old, flabby heavyweights who’ve twice tested positive for banned substances. The promoter and commission nevertheless decline to do additional drug testing. Both guys nevertheless pop positive once again.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. comes in at 207 pounds on the scale and then rehydrates to 222 pounds by fight night.
OCTOBER
The WBC enables yet another boxer by creating another new weight class — Super Chavez Junior Weight — that is unlimited for Chavez Jr. and requires his opponents to come in at least 20 pounds lighter than him.
The world comes to the realization that former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson now weighs less than former junior-welterweight champion Ricky Hatton and former featherweight champion Naseem Hamed.
Max Kellerman changes pace and begins comparing boxers to fighters from the future.
NOVEMBER
Californian voters elect Manny Pacquiao into office, replacing Senator Boxer with a boxing senator.
Jay-Z purchases this sport’s foremost print publication and renames it Bling Magazine.
Not to be outdone, Golden Boy Promotions uses the money from the magazine sale to buy naming rights to a prestigious university’s athletics program, changing the team mascot to the Georgetown De La Hoyas.
Not to be outdone, Floyd Mayweather Jr. purchases the International Boxing Hall of Fame and relocates it to the Big Boy Mansion.
DECEMBER
Much-maligned referee Laurence Cole puts a boxer in a full nelson and holds him in place while a fighter from Texas punches away. He continues to get big assignments in the state in 2017.
Disney releases an animated movie about a little Hawaiian girl who befriends a famous boxing and mixed martial arts cutman: “Lilo and Stitch Duran.”
A second straight year goes by without a major boxing match in Atlantic City. Nobody who has been to Atlantic City complains.
“Fighting Words” appears every Monday on BoxingScene.com. Pick up a copy of David’s book, “Fighting Words: The Heart and Heartbreak of Boxing,” at http://bit.ly/fightingwordsamazon or internationally at http://bit.ly/fightingwordsworldwide. Send questions/comments via email at fightingwords1@gmail.com
