by David P. Greisman
I don't need telescopes or tarot cards, nor do I need radar systems or Ouija boards.
Those tools are for fools. It’s my crystal ball that tells all.
It’s shown me the events to come in boxing during the 12 months of 2014. Consider yourselves forewarned:
JANUARY
Strategic train wrecks realize that two heads are better than one — and so Miley Cyrus and Adrien Broner enter a highly public relationship.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announces that it’s discovered an outbreak of a virus that causes bad scorecards, and quarantines three-quarters of all active boxing judges.
Boxing’s sanctioning bodies start a senior division, rebrand their “Intercontinental” belts as “Incontinent” titles.
FEBRUARY
Saul Alvarez’s hair fades to a color more resembling a certain kind of cooking oil. He changes his name to Canola Alvarez.
Rocky Juarez gets a seventh title shot.
Rocky Balboa gets a seventh movie.
Ricardo Mayorga becomes the first winter Olympian from Nicaragua, shows surprising grace as a figure skater.
MARCH
As part of the continuing “Cold War” battle between Top Rank and Golden Boy Promotions, Bob Arum refuses to watch the 86th Academy Awards ceremony — also known as “The Oscars.”
Boxing promoters read the story of the Jewish holiday of Purim — the tale of triumph over an evil man named Haymon.
Beibut Shumenov scores an upset over Bernard Hopkins, and yet still the only Kazakhstani that Americans can name is Borat.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. once again comes in overweight for his rematch with Bryan Vera, announces his move to light heavyweight.
APRIL
Manny Pacquiao files his income taxes. Really.
Gennady Golovkin will move up temporarily to super middleweight to face George Groves, putting “Triple G” against “Double G” on a card titled “Nuthin’ But a G Thang.”
Undefeated female middleweight Christina Hammer walks to the ring to the tune of songs from famed rap album “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt Him.” But her opponent puts on a virtuoso boxing performance and then leaves to the tune of “U Can't Touch This.”
With forecasts for Floyd Mayweather’s bout with Amir Khan predicting a box office bust, Mayweather and Golden Boy Promotions sell the promotional rights to the card to Vince McMahon of World Wrestling Entertainment.
MAY
Floyd Mayweather is beating Amir Khan handily when a masked individual runs to the ring, distracts the referee, hits Mayweather in the back with a steel chair, and then pulls off the mask to reveal herself as disgraced boxing judge C.J. Ross.
Gennady Golovkin gets a sponsorship with a cell phone company, changes his nickname to “4G”
Ten years have passed since Roy Jones was knocked out by Antonio Tarver. Jones continues to fight.
Andre Dirrell enters a coveted marketing partnership with the dairy industry. But instead of being featured in a coveted "milk mustache" advertisement, he properly ends up on the side of a milk carton.
JUNE
Sergio Martinez scores a technical knockout over Miguel Cotto.
Boxing websites run a “Where Are They Now?” feature on Paulie Malignaggi’s former side piece.
Guillermo Rigondeaux recognizes that he’s not connecting with fans, decides to move away from his past style of boxing and rebrands himself as a knockout artist. After Rigondeaux knocks his next two opponents stiff, a wise publicist starts to call his lethal left hand “Rigo Mortis.”
AIBA seeks to improve amateur boxing by revamping the computerized scoring system, only to make the mistake of hiring the programmers behind the Obamacare website.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. announces his move to cruiserweight.
JULY
Gennady Golovkin's popularity gets to the point that it is no longer just measured in ratings and ticket sales, but also in the noted rise of children in the United States named “Gennady.”
Boxing promoters officially reach the point where they’ve spent more time discussing what bouts they refuse to make than they spend talking about fights that have actually been signed.
The flyweight division continues to be amazing. HBO and Showtime continue to ignore it.
AUGUST
Environmentalists harness a new source of renewable energy — the wind power generated by Deontay Wilder's missed punches.
Welterweight prospect Wale “Lucky Boy” Omotoso and flyweight Ivan Pozo take a break from boxing, star in a production of Waiting for Godot. The half dozen of you who studied literature or theatre will get this joke.
Undefeated junior welterweight prospect Gabor Veto suffers his first pro loss, fittingly coming by a split-decision, also known as a two-thirds majority. The 15 of you who studied political science will get this joke.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. announces his move to heavyweight.
SEPTEMBER
Golovkin signs with 50 Cent, decides to honor his new promoter's former rap group by changing his nickname to “GGG Unit.”
Ten years have passed since Roy Jones was knocked out by Glen Johnson. Jones continues to fight.
Ruben Guerrero, Angel Garcia, Floyd Mayweather Sr. and Roger Mayweather gather together for their monthly book club meeting.
OCTOBER
Kanye West finally takes an example from Juan Manuel Marquez and becomes a man of few words, choosing instead to protest perceived wrongdoing by sitting around on the Jimmy Kimmel show naked, but for a sombrero over his genitalia.
Mike Tyson actually turns down a business proposition.
Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. announces his retirement from boxing and says he’s going to try out sumo wrestling.
NOVEMBER
Gennady Golovkin, who has become both tired of waiting for Sergio Martinez and bored with knocking out men his own size, turns to professional wrestling. WWE’s “Survivor Series” pay-per-view is headlined by "Triple G" vs. “Triple H."
James Toney realizes his next calling, mumbles his way through Bob Dylan songs at his local karaoke night.
DECEMBER
Floyd Mayweather and 50 Cent reunite. Richard Schaefer and Bob Arum hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.” Victor Conte and Angel “Memo” Heredia get drunk together and hug it out. Birds chirp. Skies clear. All becomes well with this world.
The 10 Count will return in 2014.
“Fighting Words” appears every Monday on BoxingScene.com. Pick up a copy of David’s new book, “Fighting Words: The Heart and Heartbreak of Boxing,” at http://bit.ly/fightingwordsamazon or internationally at http://bit.ly/fightingwordsworldwide . Send questions/comments via email at fightingwords1@gmail.com