Australian Spectacle Reminds of Missouri Nonsense
By Lyle Fitzsimmons
Sure is nice to see it’s not just us.
While there’s little doubt the U.S. has set the market for stupidity in a great many things, when it comes to the good-time spectacle of kids beating up kids, we’re apparently not a monopoly.
Ladies and gentlemen… I give you Australia.
A few years after the “Garage Boys Fight Crew” showed us that straddling a foe’s chest and subjecting him to repeated fists and elbows was a sign of friendship among the elementary school elite, the folks down under have raised the bar.
In the subtropical hamlet of Gold Coast – home to half a million and an hour’s drive from the regional capital of Brisbane – the fairer sex has gotten in on the act.
With an undisclosed number on hand for pre-pubescent fun, 7-year-old bone-breaker Georgina “Punchout” Barton and her 8-year-old nemesis, Jasmine Parr; donned gloves, headgear, shin pads and venom for Parr’s maiden voyage in the world of public kick boxing.
Seems Jasmine is the estrogen-bearing pride and joy of hometown kick-fighter John Wayne Parr, who was in his little girl’s corner for the requisite technical assistance, verbal motivation and spit bucket carriage… in the absence, it seems, of any actual parenting.
Perhaps the latter was less vital than the $100 she got for her wet-eyed trouble.
The torrent of tears arrived in round one, when the tough-talking novelty faded and Jasmine realized being punched and kicked was not quite as fun as the burly old man had made it seem during the six-days-a-week training sessions.
Nonsense, said Daddy Dearest, summoning his inner Angelo Dundee and instead prescribing relaxation and breathing as cure-alls. “Because if you're crying it'll just get worse,” he claimed. “You need to take three big breaths and calm your heart down and concentrate on what you need to do.”
Great advice, if you’re instructing “Sugar Ray” or “The Greatest.”
For a kid barely past SpongeBob, the words are grossly misplaced.
Not to mention dangerous.
“It doesn't take a lot of force for the brain to be impacted,” said Anna Petrou, spokeswoman for Synapse, the brain injury association of Queensland. “For the girls, it might not be the initial impact but (they) could lose their balance and fall, which could impact them.”
But rather than heading for the nearest playground or bounce house to let the kids blow steam, Parr and his across-ring accessory sent the girls back into the line of fire. Where after all was said and done, the prurient exhibition was ultimately labeled a draw.
Jasmine was all smiles and a step closer to retirement at the final bell, claiming her next bout – if at all – wouldn’t come until she was at least 10.
Lest we forget, the precedent was set in Carthage, Mo., with the aforementioned “Garage Boys” were a 12-member team specializing in the violent free-for-all of ultimate fighting.
At first glance, my initial reaction was "So what?"
If stepping into a cage, assuming a goofy nickname and bashing a neighbor silly is a southwestern Missouri resident's idea of a good time, I say more power to him.
But upon taking a closer look, there was a little more to it.
Rather than pals training to compete with co-workers from the quarry, the “Garage Boys” were a dozen kids – aged 6 to 14 – groomed for such endeavors for the titillation of their parents, under the implausible guise of teaching discipline and respect.
The Associated Press described a training session where two “Fight Crew” members touched gloves in a flash of sportsmanship before an exchange of sucker punches, body blows and swift kicks – hardly the traditional means of disseminating life's lessons.
But settle down, Nancy. It's not as bad as it sounds.
"We're not training them for dog fighting," said a father of two combatants, espousing progress since the no-holds-barred days after the banning of strikes to the back of the neck and head, groin kicking and head butting.
And hey, the kids wear protective gear and no blood is shed.
According to the story, Missouri was the only state in the nation explicitly allowing youth fights. In many states, it was a misdemeanor for children to participate. A few states had no regulations.
Missouri's office of athletics regulated pro fights but not the amateur events, which include the youth bouts. For amateurs, regulation was done by bodies registered with the athletics office.
The rules were different in nearby Oklahoma, where unauthorized fights were a misdemeanor.
Hogwash, said the proponents – stopping short of a chorus of "liar, liar, pants on fire" – it's all good fun.
"When they get out of the cage, they go back and play video games together," a parent said. "It doesn't matter who won and who lost. They're still little buddies."
Thanks anyway, folks. But when it comes my child’s play time, I'll stick with something tame like knife-tossing.
And next time I'm in Missouri, I'll stay in Tulsa instead.
* * * * * * * * * *
This week’s title-fight schedule:
SATURDAY
IBF light heavyweight title – Saint Charles, Mo.
Tavoris Cloud (champion) vs. Yusaf Mack (No. 1 contender)
Cloud (22-0, 18 KO): Third title defense; Never scored KO in title fight (3-0, 0 KO)
Mack (29-3-2, 17 KO): First title fight; Has fought in 12 of 50 states
Fitzbitz says: “Cloud’s not perfect, but should have enough for title defense.” Cloud by decision
IBF junior middleweight title – Saint Charles, Mo.
Cornelius Bundrage (champion) vs. Sechew Powell (No. 1 contender)
Bundrage (30-4, 18 KO): First title defense; Won only fight in Missouri (August 2010)
Powell (26-2, 15 KO): First title fight; Defeated Bundrage (TKO 1) in May 2006
Fitzbitz says: “Resurgent Powell gets belt against familiar former victim.” Powell by decision
WBA middleweight title – Cologne, Germany
Felix Sturm (champion) vs. Matthew Macklin (No. 3 contender)
Sturm (35-2-1, 15 KO): Tenth title defense; Held WBO (2003-04) and WBA (2006) titles
Macklin (28-2, 19 KO): First title fight; Eighth fight outside United Kingdom (7-0, 5 KO)
Fitzbitz says: “Sturm continues long-term march to 160-pound status.” Sturm by decision
WBC lightweight title – Cozumel, Mexico
Humberto Soto (champion) vs. Motoki Sasaki (No. 11 contender)
Soto (55-7-2, 32 KO): Fourth title defense; Held WBC title at 130 pounds (2008-09)
Sasaki (36-8-1, 23 KO): Second title fight; Lost only previous fight outside Japan
Fitzbitz says: “Veteran Soto continues getting better with age.” Soto by decision
Last week’s picks: 2-0
Overall picks record: 213-74 (74.2 percent)
Lyle Fitzsimmons has covered professional boxing since 1995 and written a weekly column for Boxing Scene since 2008. He is a full voting member of the Boxing Writers Association of America. Reach him at fitzbitz@msn.com or follow him at www.twitter.com/fitzbitz .