The complete and honest guide to every boxing weight class

[!! Anorak]

where does Miley Cyrus fit in the mix?

A reference by Beer to my sixth ban of 2015 there for an "obscene thread". I won't go into details, as I don't want to get banned again QUITE so soon, but it involved the words "Miley" "Cyrus" "clitoris" "nail" "rusty" and "gate".

[Jedi Vader]

There's so much confusion about what really makes a "great" division, that what I thought I'd do is give my verdict on the top ten of each weight class - a kind of inarguable, universal truth if you like. What it'll basically involve is me saying people are shit, talking about cocks and calling Beercules a ****. We'll see how it goes.

Let's start with boxing's once-premier division:


HEAVYWEIGHTS - RING MAGAZINE'S RANKINGS
Champion: Wladski "Wlad" Klitschko
1. Alexander Povetski
2. Deontay "The Batty Windmiller" Wilder
3. Tyson "The Batty Gypo" Fury
4. Kubrat Pulev
5. Bryant Jennings
6. Bermane Stiverne
7. Vyacheslav Glazkov
8. Ruslan Chagaev
9. Tony Thompson
10. Carlos Takam

Now, let's not fuck about here. Freedom and the rest of the Kliteratti will tell you that's a stacked division with a top ten ATG sitting at the top of the pile. But in any sense of reality, that's a fucking shit, shallow division right there. In fact, it's got about as much integrity as Weltschmerz's wedding vows.

People talk about the daft **** sitting at the top, and we've all heard the tales about how the Kliteratti claim that Japan really won World War II ("When the US nuked Hiroshima, Japan was ahead on points") but I liken Wlad's reign to going on a fuck spree through the back of a special bus. You come off, having sodomised thirty kids with down syndrome and say to someone "that proves I must be the greatest lover who ever lived - you can't argue with numbers."

But it's not just having a hugging, shaky-chinned faggot as the champ. Take a look at, say, No.9, Tony Thompson. Now, I LIKE Tony Thompson, he's a good guy, and he gave us the spectacle of David Price looking like Bambi on ice. TWICE. But I'm not saying a moderate-hitting 43-year-old who's lost two of his last four bouts ISN'T one of the top ten best heavyweights right now - I'm saying he SHOULDN'T be. It's like lining up your ten best supermodels for a show, and one of them's 58 with one leg missing. You're like "fuck it - it's the best I can do." Is the division THAT shallow that a 43-year-old with a 50% losing streak over the last two years the best it has to offer? I'm aware that there are a few heavyweights bubbling under who look very good offensively, but they're untested, obviously.

What about the rest? Deontay Wilder can obviously crack, but he fights like a kid in the playground who fell on his head when he was little. I've never seen someone so technically deficient reach such a high level. And while he HAS improved, the only person I've seen really get behind him is New England - a factor I attribute to Wilder having long arms more than anything else. In fact, when I asked for New England's top three P4P, he insisted it should be Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four and Stretch Armstrong. I pointed out that one was fictional and the other was a children's toy, but he showed me 50 skiing videos and insisted I hadn't shown him a pic of my cock, so that meant he'd won the argument. You can't dispute that.

Bermane Stiverne's a lazy fat **** who only shows hunger at the buffet table - the **** just tried to defend his "world" title and put up about as much of a fight as Beercules did against that dwarf who pushed his shit back in for him. Fury I give a pass to because he's funny, and being funny goes a long way. Povetski, as we saw, hasn't got the chin to handle a flush clinch. I haven't actually seen Glazkov or Takam, but from all accounts they're a right pair of ****s.

VERDICT: Poor.

Annie's back!!

[!! Anorak]

Bermane Stiverne's a lazy fat **** who only shows hunger at the buffet table

It still bugs me, that. He can crack, and Wilder's one of the worst boxers, technically, I've ever seen.. so I put £10 on him.

Now, I've no problem with losing money on gambling - it comes with the territory - but when the ****s don't even TRY, it bugs me.

Same with Hopkins, and his "What do I think about losing to Kovalev? I'm looking forward to promoting him." WTF? **** didn't even try and fire off a flush headbutt until the tenth round.

[TBear]

Dear HBO,

Please hire Anorak as a commentator.

Thank you,
TBear

----------------------------

[dan_cov]

lol possibly the funniest thread I've read on here. Great work

[!! Anorak]

I was YouTube-surfing the other day, and came across an interview with Slapsie and Max Kellerman, where Joe joked about how he'd been KD'd: "listen... at the end of the day, I slipped, isn't it?" Max was like "so, JOE, did you REALLY think THAT you'd SLIPPED?" It's like "FFS, Max, it was a JOKE!"

[!! Anorak]

I tell you what, ****s, I was gonna do one division a day, but as it's a new 'un, let's get that forgotten division out of the way... what was it called again?



CRUISERWEIGHTS - RING MAGAZINE RANKINGS
Champion: Yoan Pablo Hernandez
1. Marco Huck
2. Grigory Drozd
3. Denis Lebedev
4. Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk
5. Ilunga Makabu
6. Firat Arslan
7. Victor Ramirez
8. Youri Kalenga
9. Dmitry Kudryashov
10. Thabiso Mchunu

On paper, Cruiserweights should have everything. The hardest-hitters outside the heavyweight division, but with more mobility. Yet somehow it always gets overlooked. You suspect that it might actually be quite good, if only anyone ever saw it – a bit like Led's cock.

Take these guys, above. I'm not as into boxing as I was a few years ago, so I have to confess, they're unknowns to me, generally. Marco Huck's official ring name is "Who Gives A Fuck?" which tells you all you need to know, and the last time I saw Lebedev he was in Hellraiser 3 after the Guillmero-Jones bout:





No other division has such an in-built resistance to it, where every champion, even the dishes, gets told "he's good... But I'd like to see him at heavyweight." Of course, it doesn't help that even the Wankopedia entry states that it was invented to help smaller heavies get by. It's like the division’s entire raison de etre is to help the disadvantaged. Effectively it's like making a new weight class: "The Thalidomide Class", just to ensure New England isn't constantly facing fighters with a greater reach advantage. Good old New England and his humility can clean up, beat every fighter in that division, unify all the belts, but you're still only going to say "but WHAT IF…?" That’s what Cruiserweight is, fundamentally… a division where a whale-like egomaniac fights the disabled.

I'm not sure I've even seen any of the other fighters in this ranking, and, while that’s slack of me, isn't it a slackness we all tend to share? I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the fuck is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble?

Cruiserweight… the division that no one ever remembers.

What were we talking about again?

VERDICT: Fuck knows.

[Beercules]

"I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the **** is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble?"

[Jedi Vader]

and the last time I saw Lebedev he was in Hellraiser 3 after the Guillmero-Jones bout:

[dan_cov]

I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the **** is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble? hahaha