Look Back In Anger: Rereviewing Calzaghe vs. Hopkins

[!! Anorak]

I thought I'd start a very occasional series where I rewatch a fight and tell you bastards all about it. Here's what I thought of this barnburner....


Joe "Slapsie" Calzaghe had ruled the world, with his effortless charisma and imitable catchphrase "listen... at the end of the day.... listen." He'd also been a long-reigning world champion who had fought the best out there, including Rick Thornberry, Tyler Hughes and David Starie.

Meanwhile, his opponent Bernard "The Excitement Executioner" Hopkins had a highlight reel that made the Normandy D-Day Landings look like drying paint. Fans knew they were in for a bout of unparalleled entertainment, the like not seen since Wlad Klitschko had stepped into Madison Square Garden.

Let's look back...



ROUND ONE:

In a way Slapsie was slow to react here, because of the (ISTR) five times he was KD'd, this one is by far the least effective. It's a flash KD, and largely caused by a push. He could have held on to Bore Hard there and stopped himself going down. He does seem quite naive here, almost overeager to deliver his slaps and not realising that he's going to have to take a headbutt or two to get them off. What's especially notable is just how biased Max Keller**** is against Slapsie. He can't wait to give a "Euro bum" speech every time he opens his mouth. Sorry, I mean eURo BUm.

10-8 Slopkins.



ROUND TWO:

Jim gives us a compubox recount of the first round here, revealing that Hopkins landed four punches. That's a high output for him, ain't it? He starts this one with a Mad Skillz clinch, and it's downhill from there. He looks much stronger, his punches look sharper, and it looks like the fight is going exactly the way he wants it to. Unfortunately, the way he wants the fight to go is two and half minutes of clinching, fifteen seconds of nut shots and fifteen seconds of headbutts. It's fucking awful tbh, and at least Slapsie is trying to get some slaps off. I don't really like giving it Joe given that he's done **** all, but Jesus Christ this is a Hopkinated round. I'll score it even - them both losing a point for being ****s - and we'll see where we are at the end. One notable thing though is that Slapsie is already adjusting to the Hopkination, and the pace of the fight is increasing. Thinking about it, maybe it IS a Slapsie round.

Perhaps most notable is the bit where Hopkins *****es to Cortez about a low blow, despite landing fifty of his own beforehand. If there's one thing worse than a dirty fighter, it's a dirty fighter that doesn't like it back. Particularly when they make themselves look like a baby ****ting in a nappy (diaper, Fat Yanks) over it. I don't necessarily go in with the NSB Green Teefian "Cortez is a ****" theory, but it's funny how Mr. "remember - I'm unfair and I'm infirm" says to Joe "Hey, watch it now - he can headbutt you all night and I'll say **** all, but foul back and it's a point." Note also how Manny Steward pronounces Slapsie's surname in the correct way, whereas Jim "Mom's Apple Pie" Lampley has to call him "Calzacky", in that typical "make up a way to pronounce stuff" that all Fat Yanks like to do. It's the nation that would have you believe that a certain Eastern religion is based around Booooo-Da. Fat ****ing Yanks.

9-9


ROUND THREE:

Although I appreciate it's "hit and not get hit", Hopkins does seem to want to avoid all contact with Slapsie, as if his slaps have more on them than you'd expect. That said, he knows the deal - Slapsie can generate a high volume of slaps, so can easily outpoint foes. One thing that shouldn't be underestimated in this fight is the work of the two trainers. Just think how great Muhammad Ali could have been if he'd heard "muh muh muh muhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh muhhhhhhhhhhhhh muhhhhhhhhhhh" or "FOR FACK'S SAKE YOU FACKING FACKER! WHAT THE FACKING FACK ARE YOU FACKING DOING? ARE YOU FACKING LISTEN FOR FACK'S SAKE?"

Slapsie does still look out of his depth here, not sure to do with a guy who doesn't want to box, but wants to grapple and headbutt. All of the really effective punches are coming from Bore Hard. One thing though - that semi-famous "deception" video, where it shows all the reasons why Bore Hard didn't really lose. One of the reasons given is the crowd influencing the judges by roaring every time Slapsie throws a slap, whether it lands or not. That's not the crowd mistakenly believing that Slapsie is landing... it's just their excitement at the possibility of a fight breaking out. Thankfully Hopkins is on hand to ensure one never does.

I can see how some might score this round to Slapsie, but I'm gonna score it to Bore Hard for effectiveness. Sure, Hopkins's idea of boxing is like getting a baby a Christening card smeared in dog **** with the words "I wish your parents had had an abortion" written on it. It's messy, it's ugly, and it pleases no fucker. But it gets the point across.

10-9 Bore Hard.



ROUND FOUR:

This one starts with a signature Slapsie move - the rear slap - and Cortez, seemingly having as much fun as the viewers, offers to disqualify either of them. You know when the fight isn't even a third in and the referee's threatening to throw either boxer out for being dog **** then you've got a good one. It's so ****ing tedious it's like watching a Wlad Klitschko highlight reel. I give this one again to Hopkins, just for accurate punches scored. It's also hard to give Calzaghe (sorry, Calzacky) rounds, given that his are just such light slaps, and Hopkins is cracking him at this stage. I bet -Kev- is pleased with my scoring so far.

10-9 Bore Hard.



ROUND FIVE:

Max Keller**** makes the observation here that when Calzaghe stands in front of an opponent with his hands down it generally means he feels "comfortable". One can only assume that other Keller**** insights include "when I see a man with his dick out in front of a urinal, it generally means he's going to take a piss", "when I see snow falling from the sky it generally means it's going to get cold", and "when I see James Butler walking down the street I'd better check my tool shed and see if anything's missing." Later the **** brings in Jersey Joe Walcott - sorry, JERsey JOE walCOTT - for no reason whatsoever. He's such a boggle-eyed fanboy it's untrue.
This is a far, far better Slapsie round. Hopkins is looking less active (if such a thing is humanly possible... I guess even sloths have to sleep, right?) and off balance. Meanwhile, Slapsie is getting the moving and slaps going. Although Hopkins comes back towards the end, it's a clear Slapsie round for a change, with some eye-catching slaps. Hopkins' "one right hand a minute" can't really compete with a slapathon, and it doesn't.

10-9 Slapsie.



ROUND SIX:

Revealed is that power shots were close, just one in it. "Calzaghe gave his fans something to sing about that round apparently, Jim," says Keller****. Jesus, he is SO ****ing biased in this commentary it pisses me off. The **** cannot disguise his anti-Slap agenda at all, can he? I remember the post-Roid bout, and he's like "So... JOE, why ARE you SUCH a ****?"
What about Lampley? "Cortez throws Calzacky to the floor, pulling him off." Let's face it, seeing Cortez getting fair but firm with Little Joe would have been far preferable to watching this bout, though it does, ironically, sum up this round... it's a pile of wank. What's hilarious is NSB fanboys (at least once a week) arguing as to who won this fight. Such an argument implies that a fight actually happened. This one is, I think, edged by Bore Hard, but I give it a 9-9 "they're both utter ****s" score. ****ing awful.

9-9


So at the halfway point, and I've got it:

59-54 Hopkins

OR

58-55 Hopkins

OR

57-56 Hopkins


But, as ever, the real loser is whoever watches this crap.

[!! Anorak]

ROUND SEVEN:

"DO YOU WANT HIM TO STOP YOU? OR DO YOU WANT TO STOP HIM? THAT'S THE FACKING WAY IT'S GONNA GO!"

To be fair to Joe, he must have been constantly aware of the possibility that Hopkins would put him to sleep.... he'd already done it to half the crowd and the entire TV audience, so what was one more to add to the pile?

It's a really, really tough fight to watch, because I can't think of any other fight that has so split the definition of fight vs. boxing, unless you count Sugar Ray Leonard on his bike like he thinks Hagler's his boyhood molester back for seconds.

Let me put it this way... you're in the school playground, and one bigger kid cracks a smaller kid with 3-4 accurate, hard right hands, but spends the rest of the time just wrestling and doing **** all. Meanwhile, the smaller kid gets off fifty light slaps but doesn't want to seem to commit to any shots in case he gets whacked to **** going in. Who wins that fight? In the law of the playground, you say the bigger kid. But in the law of boxing..... those slaps pile up. But they say boxing is hit and not get hit, not slap and not get hit.

Keller**** must surely be an NSB poster though. He's practically sat there going "HOPkins is AN old MAN and this IS the FIRST time that CALZAGHE has COME to DA STATEZ and he's GETTING beat by an OLD MAN. lamo, PWN!" He's absolutely ****ing atrocious.

But Hopkins here is like some fat old cat covered in fleas that doesn't want to play with a young kitten. He's prepared to give Joe thirty seconds of punching, and another thirty of headbutting, but that's his limit. When Joe's still coming for the three entire minutes going "listen... at the end of the day I've got even more slaps, isn't it?" Hopkins is just walking around going "**** this, I can't be bothered with it all."

Slapsie does appear to be about to do another off balance KD at the end of this one, but when your input to a fight has been the last five seconds, you can't really expect to be given the round. This time Slapsie does some showboating (or slapboating as he termed it) to take eyes off the fact that he nearly went down again.

10-9 Slapsie and his constant slaps.


ROUND EIGHT:

For some reason my summary of this round is causing my post to get blocked by the site, so we'll cut to the summary...

This round could be scored either way... I'm tempted to say Slop because of the accuracy of his blows. But the pace is really starting to wear him down now.

9-9 placeholder score.



ROUND NINE:

With just a minute to go, Hopkins gets in a hard right hand, but that's about it. Calzaghe looks like a silly **** at times, but he's the only one doing ANYTHING in there right now.

It's a bit like if you had two fighters in the ring.... in one corner, you've got a man who does jack **** for three minutes. In the other corner, you've got a ****** with his cock hanging out, spinning it around like a propeller. Really, you feel bad giving it to the tard, given that he's making himself look a total **** and all, but.... the other guy is doing NOTHING.

10-9 Slapsie.


I now have this fight:

87-83 Hopkins down to a possibility of 84-86 Hopkins.

On rounds definitely (c. Lennox) scored it's 57-56 Hopkins.



ROUND TEN:

Actually, you could make a very good case that Hopkins wins this round, as in the final two minutes he's the one landing the most accurate, solid shots.

HOWEVER.... the start of this round is the best moment of the entire fight, if not the best moment in the entire history of boxing. Hopkins - a mean, hardened gangster from the streets of Philly who will "never let a white boy beat him", gets a minor slap that's not really that much of a low blow (largely caused by his own pushing/mauling tactics), and, as he goes down from it.......... a sheep shagging slap machine gets behind him and, in front of a worldwide audience of MILLIONS, pretends that he's bumming him.

Quite what his kids made of it, I don't know. I was watching the fight with my mum and I was a bit embarrassed. Yet this is the greatest thing in history, as a man who hasn't previously displayed much of a personality gets behind boxing's No.1 tough guy gangster and pretends that he's doing him up the ass.

Bore Hard then makes an absolute fucking meal of it, so much so that even Max Keller**** stops sucking his dick for five seconds. To add to his misery, Slapsie is openly mocking him for it, and the shouts of "cheat" from the audience are probably aimed at Bore Hard, not Slapsie. The sight of a "mean gangster" with a criminal record crying like a five-year-old girl from a nothing punch that's not even really low is embarrassing. Slapsie doesn't just drop a bit of pwn, he throws it on by the barrel load, making gestures to the crowd as if to say "listen... at the end of the day... listen" over the matter.

I'll give this one 9-9, as, despite that, Bore Hard does pretty well in it. Stealing that break helped him back into the fight, even if his dignity is nowhere to be seen.



ROUND ELEVEN:

It's quite funny to think that Calzaghe was once regarded as a banger rather than a boxer. Towards the end of his career his power had declined so much that he couldn't even phase Manfredo Jr. with head shots. Despite this, he still seems to have some power in body shots... Manfredo did admit that he hurt him to the body, and it was a body shot that made Mikkel Kessler nearly go down. And it's not everyone that can make Mikkel Kessler mentally fold, don't forget. Wait, what?

So by this stage I'm wondering if round eleven doesn't see a genuine bodyshot KD that Bore Hard tries to salvage. Certainly I don't believe any of his trips to the canvas are legitimately illegitimate, and are at best a tired old man trying to grab a break/force a DQ. It's embarrassing, and, as I said with round two, there's nothing worse than a dirty fighter not liking it back. It's like with the first Dawson fight, where he proclaimed "this ain't the UFC". When 90% of your boxing strategy is made up of grabbing and holding, then such statements only serve to make you look a laughing stock. The daft **** spends about three hours hobbling around the ring.

I think part of the problem with scoring this fight as well is that it's hard to remove your knowledge of prior bouts. Calzaghe looks so different from his usual self, so much more cautious and his slap rate lowered, whereas Hopkins looks as he always does... a headbutting ******. So unconsciously it's hard not to think that Calzaghe is losing rounds, because he's only throwing 50 slaps instead of a 100, and he isn't getting it all his own way.

It's kind of funny seeing Gangsta No.1 getting bullied by a slapper, though, and his second dive sees what's left of his dignity evaporate further. Win or lose, he'll always have experienced this fight as a crying baby who someone pretended to do up the bum.

10-9 Slapsie.



ROUND TWELVE:

One thing always cited by NSB ****** as "prooove" that Bore Hard won this fight is the instructions from the respective corners before the final round. In one corner we have "YOU'VE FACKING GOT TO FACKING STOP HIM OR IT'S ALL FACKING OVER FOR FACK'S SAKE"... by contrast in the other corner we've got "muh muh muhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh muhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh muh muh muh muh." Clear evidence that Bore Hard, won, right? Well, consider:

1. It's actually a little-known fact that the cornermen aren't the ones who score the bouts;

2. There's such a thing as motivational speaking.


Bore Hard could have done with more in his later career. How many times have we seen him go out and be told he's got it in the bag, only for him to make a **** of himself? Although NSB, the Ring and HBO like to make him out as some sort of boxing genius guru (because he had to move up to LHW to escape Jermain ****ing Taylor, and then learnt how to headbutt 175lbers as he got old) the fact remains that this is a guy who is so ****ing ******ed he lost to Jermain Taylor TWICE - so ****ing DUMB that he didn't realise throwing two punches a round the second time wouldn't win it - and only recently got outsmarted by a guy who thinks all website stores should stock a Betamax copy of Every Which Way But Loose. So Freddie basically telling him he's muh muh muh muh - in a fight which is ****ing CLOSE - is the stupidest thing out. Let's not forget that Freddie had only recently been in the wrong corner against Danny "die mother****ers" Williams, too. Not strictly relevant, but I found a way to talk about Danny Williams.

Expectedly, Max Keller**** is the first one to bring up this NSBian theory, but the final round finishes much the same. I can't judge it fairly as YouTube is sticking a bit on the video for some reason, but while Bore Hard lands some eye catching punches and Slapsie doesn't land much of note, the entire round is a tired old man hanging on and doing everything in his power to stop that much-promised fight breaking out. Good on him, people were only paying money to see a boxing match, what the **** did they expect? People to throw punches, FFS???

10-9 Slapsie.



Now, let's tally up that score....


On definite rounds scored, I've got it 75-74 Slapsie, with four rounds that could have gone either way. Looking back at my descriptions of those rounds seems to suggest that my score is 114-113 to Hopkins. But really, it's such dog ****, who cares?

Bore Hard drops his own NSB b@mb during the interview with the prickish statement "Only bias Brit's dont think I won that fite, lamo, PWN!"

[Santa_]

Hopkins was thoroughly outclassed that night. It was the last great win on Calzaghe's historic resume.

[IMDAZED]

Close fight, could have gone either way. But did Hopkins deserve to win? I didn't think so.

[Jsmooth9876]

The write up was more entertaining than that fight, especially the pinwheel **** line lol.

[ИATAS]

Hopkins was thoroughly outclassed that night. It was the last great win on Calzaghe's historic resume.

Yep, here is compubox scoring 6 punches landed for Calzaghe:

[ShoulderRoll]

So even you have Hopkins winning 114-113.

When a "bias Brit" has no choice but to score against his own countryman that pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

Maybe for your next thread in this series you can analyze Calzaghe vs Manfredo Jr. I'd be curious to hear your count of how many slaps actually landed in that final flurry before Terry O'Connor jumped in to stop the fight.

[Johnwoo8686]

Hopkins was thoroughly outclassed that night. It was the last great win on Calzaghe's historic resume.

I agree that Hopkins lost that fight but to call Calzaghe's resume historic is ridiculous.

[Dean_Razorback]

So even you have Hopkins winning 114-113.

When a "bias Brit" has no choice but to score against his own countryman that pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

Maybe for your next thread in this series you can analyze Calzaghe vs Manfredo Jr. I'd be curious to hear your count of how many slaps actually landed in that final flurry before Terry O'Connor jumped in to stop the fight.

that shit was hilarious

[Chrismart]

Man, that was an ugly fight. Think i've seen it twice but i'll never watch it again. I had Calzaghe 114-113.