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You know, if there's one thing I think I'm good at, it's getting banned. I almost wish I'd have started counting right from the beginning, because I must be in treble figures, I'm sure.
Let me share a few tips for those of you out there who are struggling with your first ban... a few pointers from the master, if you will.
1. Personal Tragedy Is Your Friend
Someone famous died of an overdose? A building burnt to the ground with people in it? An explosion that killed hundreds? These are not tragedies, or things to be sorrowful about, people... these are your bread and butter, the cornerstone of any great ban.
Here's my tip: if you're not sure if the reference is offensive by itself, hedge your bets by mixing in a little casual racism, just to make sure.
Example: When Whitney Houston died of an overdose in her bathtub, I made some inappropriate remark about it. But just to secure that ban - to make doubly sure - I pointed out that Selena Gomez would never die the way Whitney did... because whoever heard of a Mexican getting in a bath?
You see the way that nice brand of casual racism has been threaded through there? That was, ISTR, a good 2-4 weeks of enforced non-posting as a result.
2. Don't Be Afraid To Cross The Line
These days, when people try to guess why I've been banned, 90% of the time, they'll never see the reason as the threads get deleted. I'll give an example: I was telling a story about Ricky Hatton at a party being involved in various perverse sexual practises. Now, I knew saying "Ricky 'Atton's ****ing a dog up arsehole is Ricky 'Atton" wasn't enough by itself. I'm a professional. But what if I said he was screwing a baby, and the baby had down syndrome? Then, just to make doubly sure, place a race on said baby, and throw in a few racial stereotypes about it? Result: A solid month away.
3. The private lives of the mods are there as your get out
I remember once I went so long without a ban I was getting itchy feet. I had a real ban drought, I was posting for about 5-6 months without being canned. It took a poll about which mods engage in which sexual practises before I tipped the balance.
4. Have An Audience
It's possible to get banned from the lounge - I must have had at least 60 bans from here - but if you've got doubts, and you want to make SURE, pop it in NSB. If it's an inappropriate remark about the sexual practises of a high-profile boxer... all the better. But maybe you just want to call a mod a cunt and paint a picture of how he types with spunk in his eyes and up his ass? That's your marketplace. Treat it well.
5. Never Forget Your First Ban
It might not be the best ban you'll ever get, but treasure it. Back when I first joined, the place was a LOT quieter, so much so that I even got a personal message from Rick "Spunk Bucket" Reeno, explaining I could come back if I promised to behave.
Now, my routine about which boxer's corpse smelt the worst (Answer: Max Schmelling) wasn't my finest moment in the world of the ban, though did have a timely quality as he'd only just died about three hours earlier. If you're a fan of the ban, there's no such thing as "too soon".
Any questions, or any more tips you'd like, please let me know and I will do my best to pass on my wisdom.
Let me share a few tips for those of you out there who are struggling with your first ban... a few pointers from the master, if you will.
1. Personal Tragedy Is Your Friend
Someone famous died of an overdose? A building burnt to the ground with people in it? An explosion that killed hundreds? These are not tragedies, or things to be sorrowful about, people... these are your bread and butter, the cornerstone of any great ban.
Here's my tip: if you're not sure if the reference is offensive by itself, hedge your bets by mixing in a little casual racism, just to make sure.
Example: When Whitney Houston died of an overdose in her bathtub, I made some inappropriate remark about it. But just to secure that ban - to make doubly sure - I pointed out that Selena Gomez would never die the way Whitney did... because whoever heard of a Mexican getting in a bath?
You see the way that nice brand of casual racism has been threaded through there? That was, ISTR, a good 2-4 weeks of enforced non-posting as a result.
2. Don't Be Afraid To Cross The Line
These days, when people try to guess why I've been banned, 90% of the time, they'll never see the reason as the threads get deleted. I'll give an example: I was telling a story about Ricky Hatton at a party being involved in various perverse sexual practises. Now, I knew saying "Ricky 'Atton's ****ing a dog up arsehole is Ricky 'Atton" wasn't enough by itself. I'm a professional. But what if I said he was screwing a baby, and the baby had down syndrome? Then, just to make doubly sure, place a race on said baby, and throw in a few racial stereotypes about it? Result: A solid month away.
3. The private lives of the mods are there as your get out
I remember once I went so long without a ban I was getting itchy feet. I had a real ban drought, I was posting for about 5-6 months without being canned. It took a poll about which mods engage in which sexual practises before I tipped the balance.
4. Have An Audience
It's possible to get banned from the lounge - I must have had at least 60 bans from here - but if you've got doubts, and you want to make SURE, pop it in NSB. If it's an inappropriate remark about the sexual practises of a high-profile boxer... all the better. But maybe you just want to call a mod a cunt and paint a picture of how he types with spunk in his eyes and up his ass? That's your marketplace. Treat it well.
5. Never Forget Your First Ban
It might not be the best ban you'll ever get, but treasure it. Back when I first joined, the place was a LOT quieter, so much so that I even got a personal message from Rick "Spunk Bucket" Reeno, explaining I could come back if I promised to behave.
Now, my routine about which boxer's corpse smelt the worst (Answer: Max Schmelling) wasn't my finest moment in the world of the ban, though did have a timely quality as he'd only just died about three hours earlier. If you're a fan of the ban, there's no such thing as "too soon".
Any questions, or any more tips you'd like, please let me know and I will do my best to pass on my wisdom.
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