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Reflections on HBO now they're ending boxing...
Back when I first heard HBO, back in the 90s, they were really quite good. Sure, you'd still get stuff like Lampley's "we've got a new heavyweight champion of the world... and he's a freakin' AMERICAN!!!! MAGA!! God bless apple pie!" but they were decent. Back in those days Larry would start a sentence and finish it in the same round.
Then it went to shit. Larry became senile, bless him. Broadcasts would see him piss and shit himself uncontrollably. They got in a fanboy in Max Kellercunt, with an AMAZINGLY anNOYing way of SPEAKing. A real fanboy who quoted boxrec stats and talked fanboyish bullshit... and was, not surprisingly, popular with some NSB posters.
It got worse....
JIM LAMPLEY:
Lampley went senile, too. Who can forget that Pacquiao fight where his mind snapped, and his commentary basically consisted of him going "there's some punches! Bang! Bang! Boom! Boomity boom! KAPOW!"
Then there was his downright weird habit of adopting another country's accent if he had to say the name of any foreign country. Who can forget when he introduced Michael Katsidis and put on his best Steve Irwin voice to say "... from Australia". It reminds me of when I went to Fat Yankistan on holiday, and this girl told me her aunt was from England. When I asked her where from, she suddenly starts putting on this weird, "butler at Dracula's house in a 1930s Universal movie" accent, and went "Maaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnchester". I thought the silly cunt was having a stroke.
HAROLD LEDERMAN:
The first time I heard Harold I thought it was a fucking joke. The guy sounds like Mickey Mouse or some shit. Can't they afford someone whose balls have dropped? I dunno what shits me about Harold more, his crappy concept of scoring a fight, or the way he introduces judges as really crap at their job, but then says they'll do a good job anyway:
"OKAY JIM! Jim, I gotta tell ya.... dis guy's just charging forward, landing fuck all, and getting hit in the face 500 times a round and he goes forward like a fuckin' retard. Jim, ya gotta give him every single round because he's the aggressor - YOU JUST GOTTA! 10 rounds to nuthin', the guy walking forward doing fuck all but getting hit in da face......... JIM!"
"Jim, I've seen all three judges before. They haven't worked in any major title fights, and when they have scored fights, they've always struck me as being completely fucking retarded, having no fucking clue what they're doing whatsoever. They'll do a good job here tonight."
MAX:
To be fair, Max has been less annoying lately, at least comparatively speaking. What really gets me about HBO is that they just never shut. the. fuck. up. I like commentary teams, but I don't need them talking CONSTANTLY. Imagine if you were watching a fight with a friend and they NEVER shut up. You'd be like "pipe down cunt, I'm trying to have a wank here", wouldn't you?
LARRY:
As discussed, Larry was my favourite (favorite, Fat Yanks) and senility killed him off as a presenter. But it comes to us all, right? Just look at Colonel Bob Sheridan, now commentating on small broadcast outlets. Back in the mid 70s Sheridan gave an exceptionally accurate and knowledgeable breakdown of the Rumble in the Jungle, picking out the moment Ali was stunned, and predicting his tactics. Whereas if you hear him nowadays he'll be saying stuff like "I'm enjoying this fight... the giraffe with the pineapple in his anus is ahead on my card, 197-3. I think the corner of the goldfish and lobster hybrid may throw in the towel." Guy's lost his fucking marbles, bless him.
ROYSTON "ROY" JONES JR:
The shite talker of the bunch, Roy is there just to be the "expert" of the group, which is pretty fucking laughable when the subtext of punch resistance comes up. But what this means is that Roy has to start every sentence with "I disagree, Max..." even if Max, on a good day, says something sensible. Royston will also come out with the stupidest, most incoherent bullshit you've ever heard, assuring suicide-contemplating listeners that "He done gone do how he do, Max, and as you can see, that's how he do gone do."
Basically, they all need putting out of their misery. Where's James Butler when you need him?
Then it went to shit. Larry became senile, bless him. Broadcasts would see him piss and shit himself uncontrollably. They got in a fanboy in Max Kellercunt, with an AMAZINGLY anNOYing way of SPEAKing. A real fanboy who quoted boxrec stats and talked fanboyish bullshit... and was, not surprisingly, popular with some NSB posters.
It got worse....
JIM LAMPLEY:
Lampley went senile, too. Who can forget that Pacquiao fight where his mind snapped, and his commentary basically consisted of him going "there's some punches! Bang! Bang! Boom! Boomity boom! KAPOW!"
Then there was his downright weird habit of adopting another country's accent if he had to say the name of any foreign country. Who can forget when he introduced Michael Katsidis and put on his best Steve Irwin voice to say "... from Australia". It reminds me of when I went to Fat Yankistan on holiday, and this girl told me her aunt was from England. When I asked her where from, she suddenly starts putting on this weird, "butler at Dracula's house in a 1930s Universal movie" accent, and went "Maaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnchester". I thought the silly cunt was having a stroke.
HAROLD LEDERMAN:
The first time I heard Harold I thought it was a fucking joke. The guy sounds like Mickey Mouse or some shit. Can't they afford someone whose balls have dropped? I dunno what shits me about Harold more, his crappy concept of scoring a fight, or the way he introduces judges as really crap at their job, but then says they'll do a good job anyway:
"OKAY JIM! Jim, I gotta tell ya.... dis guy's just charging forward, landing fuck all, and getting hit in the face 500 times a round and he goes forward like a fuckin' retard. Jim, ya gotta give him every single round because he's the aggressor - YOU JUST GOTTA! 10 rounds to nuthin', the guy walking forward doing fuck all but getting hit in da face......... JIM!"
"Jim, I've seen all three judges before. They haven't worked in any major title fights, and when they have scored fights, they've always struck me as being completely fucking retarded, having no fucking clue what they're doing whatsoever. They'll do a good job here tonight."
MAX:
To be fair, Max has been less annoying lately, at least comparatively speaking. What really gets me about HBO is that they just never shut. the. fuck. up. I like commentary teams, but I don't need them talking CONSTANTLY. Imagine if you were watching a fight with a friend and they NEVER shut up. You'd be like "pipe down cunt, I'm trying to have a wank here", wouldn't you?
LARRY:
As discussed, Larry was my favourite (favorite, Fat Yanks) and senility killed him off as a presenter. But it comes to us all, right? Just look at Colonel Bob Sheridan, now commentating on small broadcast outlets. Back in the mid 70s Sheridan gave an exceptionally accurate and knowledgeable breakdown of the Rumble in the Jungle, picking out the moment Ali was stunned, and predicting his tactics. Whereas if you hear him nowadays he'll be saying stuff like "I'm enjoying this fight... the giraffe with the pineapple in his anus is ahead on my card, 197-3. I think the corner of the goldfish and lobster hybrid may throw in the towel." Guy's lost his fucking marbles, bless him.
ROYSTON "ROY" JONES JR:
The shite talker of the bunch, Roy is there just to be the "expert" of the group, which is pretty fucking laughable when the subtext of punch resistance comes up. But what this means is that Roy has to start every sentence with "I disagree, Max..." even if Max, on a good day, says something sensible. Royston will also come out with the stupidest, most incoherent bullshit you've ever heard, assuring suicide-contemplating listeners that "He done gone do how he do, Max, and as you can see, that's how he do gone do."
Basically, they all need putting out of their misery. Where's James Butler when you need him?
I'm f*king dead
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