Tweet
udes like me ain’t supposed to talk about this type of stuff. I’m about to tell you some real ****. Things I haven’t told anybody. But first, we gotta go back in time. We gotta go back to when the NBA was still the NBA. Way back when I had the pager with the two-way alert.
I’m about to tell you the most Y2K story ever.
I’m about to tell you how I almost died at Alonzo Mourning’s crib in the year 2000 on some dumb ****.
Picture this. I’m 18 years old. I just got drafted by the Clippers. Just got drafted by the Clippers with my boy Q ― that’s Quentin Richardson, my O.G. from way back ― who as a matter of fact is gonna be riding with me on this joint as my special guest editor.
Editor Q’s note: What’s going on, y’all? Lemme keep this man honest.
We did everything together back in the day, so we might as well do this together, too, right?
Anyway, they messed around and gave us millions of dollars and put us in Los Angeles, of all places. Only Donald Sterling could’ve been wild enough to sign off on that. Right after the draft, I’m on a private plane to L.A. with Q, and we’re just lookin’ at one another like, Bruh. Bruh. We on a PJ. I mean, I’m from East St Louis.
Q is from the Wild Hunneds.
My momma drove a school bus.
Q’s daddy drove the L Train.
Now we’re sitting on the PJ, bro? We made it.
So we land and it’s like straight outta the movies ― dude is standing next to the black town car holding up a sign with our names on it.
Editor’s note: Like he’s about pass the Grey Poupon.
It was surreal. I’m coming straight outta high school to this. At least Q had a year of college, you know?
So they take us to the hotel and it’s not just a fancy hotel ― it’s the L’Ermitage in Beverly Hills. Where Ja Rule had just shot the “Livin’ It Up” video with the slip n’ slides and all that. We get to the room, and all the lights are cutting on before we even hit the switch. Automatic. Nowadays, that’s standard. It’s whatever. But this was 2000. This was not normal. I’m looking at Q like, Bro, this is crazy.
Editor’s note: Yo, weren’t we supposed to be talking about the Zo story?
I’m setting the scene for these kids, man! They gotta know what it was like back then. Damn.
Anyway, you gotta remember, we’re 18, 19 years old. So we land in L.A. thinking we about to have a superstar girl, and we’re about to be running the city. But then you realize you’re still a teenager and you can’t really get down like that. So mostly we were playing PlayStation and doing dumb stuff. Then about a month later, we finally get our moment. Alonzo Mourning invites us down to Miami for Zo’s Summer Groove.
For those who don’t know, Zo’s Summer Groove is legendary. Actors, singers, ballplayers. It’s like a whole week of camps for the kids, and cookouts, and parties. Iverson’s gonna be down there. Marbury. Gary Payton. Lenny Kravitz. Tommy from Martin.
We’re like, It’s on.
First day, we’re doing some basketball camps for the kids, and I go to bed that night feeling a little bit sick. Achy, you know? Then I wake up the next morning and I’m dying. I got these spots all over me. So I go see Zo’s doctor, and at first he didn’t even know what it was.
Then he goes, “You ever had chicken pox?”
I’m like, “Chicken pox?”
He’s like, “Son, you got adult chicken pox.”
I’m like, “Adult chicken pox?”
Can you believe this? I come down with adult ****ing chicken pox at Zo’s Summer Groove. I mean, honestly.…
Now, you can laugh all you want, but if you’ve ever had adult chicken pox, you know it ain’t even funny. I was in bad shape. I was calling my momma like, “Momma! Get on a plane! You gotta come take care of me!”
Man, Q is running around South Beach with these boys and I’m sitting in the tub taking oatmeal baths and ****. And the worst part was that he’d come back to check on me and I’d be laid up in bed with a big-ass ice pack on my forehead, and he’d come running in the room like a little kid — like he was having the time of his life.
Like, “Bro! I was just with A.I. and them! We was in the limo! We was at the club with Wyclef, bro! It was crazy!”
I got the thermometer in my mouth, just looking at him like, DAMN.
I was so heated. But, after a couple days, I got better. I was back on my feet again. So it was cool. We got to hang out at Zo’s house, and Zo is the man. Zo is the best guy on earth. So Zo being Zo, he’s like, “You guys should go out on the WaveRunners!”
I’m like, “WaveRunners?”
Zo’s like, “WaveRunners. You know, Jet Skis.”
I’m from East Saint. I’ve never been on a Jet Ski in my life. But me and Q are like, Yo, we’re at Zo’s house. Let’s go on some WaveRunners. So we get out on the water, and we’re loving it. We’re some 18-year-old millionaires living in a rap video, right? We’re cruising around, laughing, looking for dolphins or whatever. WE LIVIN’ IT UP.
Now, what you gotta know is ― there were all these boats docked in the marina. But one of them was real low in the water, like a speedboat or something. You could barely see it. So there was this little red flag sticking up out of the water. Before we went out, I remember Zo saying something about this little red flag. “Watch out for that little red flag,” and such and such.
But now we’re out in the water, and the sun is shining, and we’re flying around.
Bro, the last thing I saw was that little red flag.
Then I was in the air.
Editor’s note: You were in The Matrix. Floating.
I hit the edge of that boat with the Jet Ski and I flipped ― I’m talking flipped that *****. And now I’m upside down, flying through the air. And I can just see the newspapers flashing in my mind, like, NBA ROOKIE DIES IN DAMN JET SKI ACCIDENT IN SOUTH BEACH.
So I’m like, Nah, I did not survive 18 years of my life in East St. Louis to drown in Alonzo Mourning’s damn marina. We’re not going out like that.
So I do a little tuck-and-roll or whatever, and I hit the water. Ploosh. Go under. Now, you might not know this about me, but I can really swim. I’m like the black Michael Phelps. That’s no problem. But the thing about me is, I don’t do ocean water. Too murky, man. If I can’t see underneath me, I’m out.
So I pop my head up out the water, and I’m treading, but I’m feeling this seaweed touching my foot. This creepy-ass seaweed. I’m not having that. I’m yelling at Q, like, “Bruh! Come get me! Yo, come get me!”
Editor’s note: This man is like, “Q! HELP ME! This seaweed is touching me, bro! HELP ME!” So I come flying over there to rescue my boy on some Baywatch ****. We get him up out of the water and away from the seaweeds, and we ride out.
Now, imagine this …. two dudes from East Saint and the Wild Hunneds on a WaveRunner in the summer of 2000, going back to Zo’s crib to tell him we crashed his damn Jet Ski into his neighbor’s damn speed boat.
That was the old NBA. That was before they wised up.
That don’t exist anymore.
I’m about to tell you the most Y2K story ever.
I’m about to tell you how I almost died at Alonzo Mourning’s crib in the year 2000 on some dumb ****.
Picture this. I’m 18 years old. I just got drafted by the Clippers. Just got drafted by the Clippers with my boy Q ― that’s Quentin Richardson, my O.G. from way back ― who as a matter of fact is gonna be riding with me on this joint as my special guest editor.
Editor Q’s note: What’s going on, y’all? Lemme keep this man honest.
We did everything together back in the day, so we might as well do this together, too, right?
Anyway, they messed around and gave us millions of dollars and put us in Los Angeles, of all places. Only Donald Sterling could’ve been wild enough to sign off on that. Right after the draft, I’m on a private plane to L.A. with Q, and we’re just lookin’ at one another like, Bruh. Bruh. We on a PJ. I mean, I’m from East St Louis.
Q is from the Wild Hunneds.
My momma drove a school bus.
Q’s daddy drove the L Train.
Now we’re sitting on the PJ, bro? We made it.
So we land and it’s like straight outta the movies ― dude is standing next to the black town car holding up a sign with our names on it.
Editor’s note: Like he’s about pass the Grey Poupon.
It was surreal. I’m coming straight outta high school to this. At least Q had a year of college, you know?
So they take us to the hotel and it’s not just a fancy hotel ― it’s the L’Ermitage in Beverly Hills. Where Ja Rule had just shot the “Livin’ It Up” video with the slip n’ slides and all that. We get to the room, and all the lights are cutting on before we even hit the switch. Automatic. Nowadays, that’s standard. It’s whatever. But this was 2000. This was not normal. I’m looking at Q like, Bro, this is crazy.
Editor’s note: Yo, weren’t we supposed to be talking about the Zo story?
I’m setting the scene for these kids, man! They gotta know what it was like back then. Damn.
Anyway, you gotta remember, we’re 18, 19 years old. So we land in L.A. thinking we about to have a superstar girl, and we’re about to be running the city. But then you realize you’re still a teenager and you can’t really get down like that. So mostly we were playing PlayStation and doing dumb stuff. Then about a month later, we finally get our moment. Alonzo Mourning invites us down to Miami for Zo’s Summer Groove.
For those who don’t know, Zo’s Summer Groove is legendary. Actors, singers, ballplayers. It’s like a whole week of camps for the kids, and cookouts, and parties. Iverson’s gonna be down there. Marbury. Gary Payton. Lenny Kravitz. Tommy from Martin.
We’re like, It’s on.
First day, we’re doing some basketball camps for the kids, and I go to bed that night feeling a little bit sick. Achy, you know? Then I wake up the next morning and I’m dying. I got these spots all over me. So I go see Zo’s doctor, and at first he didn’t even know what it was.
Then he goes, “You ever had chicken pox?”
I’m like, “Chicken pox?”
He’s like, “Son, you got adult chicken pox.”
I’m like, “Adult chicken pox?”
Can you believe this? I come down with adult ****ing chicken pox at Zo’s Summer Groove. I mean, honestly.…
Now, you can laugh all you want, but if you’ve ever had adult chicken pox, you know it ain’t even funny. I was in bad shape. I was calling my momma like, “Momma! Get on a plane! You gotta come take care of me!”
Man, Q is running around South Beach with these boys and I’m sitting in the tub taking oatmeal baths and ****. And the worst part was that he’d come back to check on me and I’d be laid up in bed with a big-ass ice pack on my forehead, and he’d come running in the room like a little kid — like he was having the time of his life.
Like, “Bro! I was just with A.I. and them! We was in the limo! We was at the club with Wyclef, bro! It was crazy!”
I got the thermometer in my mouth, just looking at him like, DAMN.
I was so heated. But, after a couple days, I got better. I was back on my feet again. So it was cool. We got to hang out at Zo’s house, and Zo is the man. Zo is the best guy on earth. So Zo being Zo, he’s like, “You guys should go out on the WaveRunners!”
I’m like, “WaveRunners?”
Zo’s like, “WaveRunners. You know, Jet Skis.”
I’m from East Saint. I’ve never been on a Jet Ski in my life. But me and Q are like, Yo, we’re at Zo’s house. Let’s go on some WaveRunners. So we get out on the water, and we’re loving it. We’re some 18-year-old millionaires living in a rap video, right? We’re cruising around, laughing, looking for dolphins or whatever. WE LIVIN’ IT UP.
Now, what you gotta know is ― there were all these boats docked in the marina. But one of them was real low in the water, like a speedboat or something. You could barely see it. So there was this little red flag sticking up out of the water. Before we went out, I remember Zo saying something about this little red flag. “Watch out for that little red flag,” and such and such.
But now we’re out in the water, and the sun is shining, and we’re flying around.
Bro, the last thing I saw was that little red flag.
Then I was in the air.
Editor’s note: You were in The Matrix. Floating.
I hit the edge of that boat with the Jet Ski and I flipped ― I’m talking flipped that *****. And now I’m upside down, flying through the air. And I can just see the newspapers flashing in my mind, like, NBA ROOKIE DIES IN DAMN JET SKI ACCIDENT IN SOUTH BEACH.
So I’m like, Nah, I did not survive 18 years of my life in East St. Louis to drown in Alonzo Mourning’s damn marina. We’re not going out like that.
So I do a little tuck-and-roll or whatever, and I hit the water. Ploosh. Go under. Now, you might not know this about me, but I can really swim. I’m like the black Michael Phelps. That’s no problem. But the thing about me is, I don’t do ocean water. Too murky, man. If I can’t see underneath me, I’m out.
So I pop my head up out the water, and I’m treading, but I’m feeling this seaweed touching my foot. This creepy-ass seaweed. I’m not having that. I’m yelling at Q, like, “Bruh! Come get me! Yo, come get me!”
Editor’s note: This man is like, “Q! HELP ME! This seaweed is touching me, bro! HELP ME!” So I come flying over there to rescue my boy on some Baywatch ****. We get him up out of the water and away from the seaweeds, and we ride out.
Now, imagine this …. two dudes from East Saint and the Wild Hunneds on a WaveRunner in the summer of 2000, going back to Zo’s crib to tell him we crashed his damn Jet Ski into his neighbor’s damn speed boat.
That was the old NBA. That was before they wised up.
That don’t exist anymore.
https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en...o-darius-miles
Comment