My 1st Attempt At Writing Stand Up Comedy

[ßringer]

Sorry but I just didn't find it original at all. I've heard dozens of comedians talk about nearly all the material you listed. I'm somewhat of a stand up buff, and an admitted comedy eliteist though.

Carlin, Pryor, Murphy, Chappelle, Rock (back in his prime), C.K., Attell, Cross, Kinison, etc....

To me it seemed like a routine "Comedy Central" piece by another routine "Comedy Central" comedian. But hey, they're getting paid a lot more than I am, so what the hell do I know?

Best of luck.

[GMitchell]

It sounds like a physical comedy routine. As in something the likes of Lee Evans would say. So I think this material depends about 90% on delivery - If your voice is confident and authorative and you move your body a lot and use your arms, etc, I think it could go down well, but I think it would be kind of awkward if you just sort of stayed on spot and said the things quietly. Save a few cheesey lines I personally I think some of the material is good, especially your opening line. I've heard worse from professionals, so for 17 your doing very well.

I'd reccomend you practise your on-stage persona in front of a mirror. Try not to imitate other famous comedians, because people can smell it a hundred miles away if your even slightly copying someone else.

[Xyei]

Not bad. I particularly agree with the part about artists having the "lil" as part of their name. I've said that same thing many times. If they guy has Lil as part of his name, that automatically makes him ****.

[GMitchell]

Plus i'm sure you know all comedians have plenty of haters/people who don't find them remotely funny, you just can't expect everyone to find you funny. Most of your responses have been positive here, take that as a good sign. You mentioned about posting on an actual script writing forum... Americans for the most part hate British comedy, but it's just because of the cultural differences, not because they're stupid or whatever, plus forums like that are 90% elitist ****s who think they have a better sense of humour than everyone else.

[Spare Moody]

i agree with this bit being used by every comedian so you DEFINETELY can't open it up by saying that you're gonna present a rant about **** that irritates you because that's exactly what Carlin did.

the biggest problem that you have is that there's no punchline to any of this. you've got decent rants but they're not funny. you're just informing. take this one for example:

So I’ll start with adverts (commercials). Adverts, half the time I don't have a clue what the **** their selling. It can show an ocean with white sandy beaches, and then cut to a mobile/cell phone. I mean what the **** is the relation?

ok.....and then what?? you should follow it up with a punchline like "i'm lookin for practicality here folks! beaches and phones? i mean, you don't see me walkin around the streets talkin into a tube of sunscreen, do ya??"

that Lil Wayne one too. go further. "every rapper that starts with Lil sucks yet every rapper that starts with Big is quality. Big Pun, Biggie Smalls.....don't they see a pattern here??? it's no different than dick size, wallet size, or breast size. bigger is better folks! the next rapper should just take the easy route and call himself The Ginormous G! just have him get in a Stay Puft Marshmellow Man costume and lean against a skyscraper prop for the the cover of his next album! show his HOES climbin up a ladder to give him head!"


now i'm not sayin these punchlines are good but the point is that a good comedian introduces their joke by presenting a situation that the audience can relate to and then follows it up with a punchline. you've got the first part down but that's the easy part. anyone can talk about things that suck. finding a clever way to make them funny is what what will make you funny.

[ferocity]

If you wrote that props, but i doubt you did. Sounds funny but i only read half ways, too much to read and at the end it might not be so funny so i stopped reading.