Funny Joke, lolz

[TJ highway]

The teacher asks Timmy
'why is your cat at school today?'
Timmy says, crying.
'Because i heard daddy say to mu mommy,
'I'm going to eat that ***** when the kids leave!' so I'm saving him!'

[alza1988]

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

“Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

“The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big ****ing deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my *****.”

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my *****!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my *****, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”

[alza1988]

Why haven't you done the dishes? Why haven't you hoovered up? Why haven't you cleaned the car? Go and empty the rubbish bins. Go clean the house! Why haven't you done the windows? Go and put the washing machine on. Go and dry the washing. Go and do the cooking. Why haven't you done the shopping?... **** sake, having Schizophrenia is like being ****ing married.

[alza1988]

"Push Harder!" I shouted to my wife while she was in labour. "**** off you bastard!" she screamed back at me.

Bit Harsh I thought - it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

[alza1988]

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat ******* today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny...

[alza1988]

A grocery store cashier is really busy. He notices a dog in the store and shoos him away.

Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The man takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 bananas, please."

The man looks again, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill.

So the cashier takes the money, puts the bananas in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

He is very impressed, and this goes on for several days - with the dog buying different items each time.

One day, the cashier decides to follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the man following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The cashier is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The cashier, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the cashier still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The cashier watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts shaking his head.

The cashier runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius!"

To which the guy responds, "genius, my arse! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[alza1988]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare
Afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said s**t, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "s**t, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," The nun said tartly.. The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "****, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of
Lightning comes out of the sky and strikes
Sister Marie dead in her tracks.



And from the Sky above comes a Booming Voice. .. ..









S**t, I missed!!"

[Beercules]

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

“Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

“The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big ****ing deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my *****.”

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my *****!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my *****, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”

that was good

[FinitoxDinamita]

I have countless jokes but everytime i post one sht gets deleted so whatever. But let’s try another one

How was break dancing invented?



By couple black teens trying to steal hubcaps from moving cars.

[alza1988]

I saw a gorgeous woman in a short skirt getting out of her car and couldn't resist a quick peek up her mini.

Burnt my eye on the exhaust pipe.