The complete and honest guide to every boxing weight class

[SlySlickSmooth]

There's so much confusion about what really makes a "great" division, that what I thought I'd do is give my verdict on the top ten of each weight class - a kind of inarguable, universal truth if you like. What it'll basically involve is me saying people are shit, talking about cocks and calling Beercules a ****. We'll see how it goes.

Let's start with boxing's once-premier division:


HEAVYWEIGHTS - RING MAGAZINE'S RANKINGS
Champion: Wladski "Wlad" Klitschko
1. Alexander Povetski
2. Deontay "The Batty Windmiller" Wilder
3. Tyson "The Batty Gypo" Fury
4. Kubrat Pulev
5. Bryant Jennings
6. Bermane Stiverne
7. Vyacheslav Glazkov
8. Ruslan Chagaev
9. Tony Thompson
10. Carlos Takam

Now, let's not fuck about here. Freedom and the rest of the Kliteratti will tell you that's a stacked division with a top ten ATG sitting at the top of the pile. But in any sense of reality, that's a fucking shit, shallow division right there. In fact, it's got about as much integrity as Weltschmerz's wedding vows.

People talk about the daft **** sitting at the top, and we've all heard the tales about how the Kliteratti claim that Japan really won World War II ("When the US nuked Hiroshima, Japan was ahead on points") but I liken Wlad's reign to going on a fuck spree through the back of a special bus. You come off, having sodomised thirty kids with down syndrome and say to someone "that proves I must be the greatest lover who ever lived - you can't argue with numbers."

But it's not just having a hugging, shaky-chinned faggot as the champ. Take a look at, say, No.9, Tony Thompson. Now, I LIKE Tony Thompson, he's a good guy, and he gave us the spectacle of David Price looking like Bambi on ice. TWICE. But I'm not saying a moderate-hitting 43-year-old who's lost two of his last four bouts ISN'T one of the top ten best heavyweights right now - I'm saying he SHOULDN'T be. It's like lining up your ten best supermodels for a show, and one of them's 58 with one leg missing. You're like "fuck it - it's the best I can do." Is the division THAT shallow that a 43-year-old with a 50% losing streak over the last two years the best it has to offer? I'm aware that there are a few heavyweights bubbling under who look very good offensively, but they're untested, obviously.

What about the rest? Deontay Wilder can obviously crack, but he fights like a kid in the playground who fell on his head when he was little. I've never seen someone so technically deficient reach such a high level. And while he HAS improved, the only person I've seen really get behind him is New England - a factor I attribute to Wilder having long arms more than anything else. In fact, when I asked for New England's top three P4P, he insisted it should be Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four and Stretch Armstrong. I pointed out that one was fictional and the other was a children's toy, but he showed me 50 skiing videos and insisted I hadn't shown him a pic of my cock, so that meant he'd won the argument. You can't dispute that.

Bermane Stiverne's a lazy fat **** who only shows hunger at the buffet table - the **** just tried to defend his "world" title and put up about as much of a fight as Beercules did against that dwarf who pushed his shit back in for him. Fury I give a pass to because he's funny, and being funny goes a long way. Povetski, as we saw, hasn't got the chin to handle a flush clinch. I haven't actually seen Glazkov or Takam, but from all accounts they're a right pair of ****s.

VERDICT: Poor.

You could be a writer for Adult Swim probably.

[Tom Cruise]

I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the **** is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble?

[slimshandy69]

I am massive kitschko fan and think they destroy all generations but that was funny.

[boxingsupreme87]

Damn, no one respects that coward Wlad Klitschko.

[sugarsmosley]

I tell you what, ****s, I was gonna do one division a day, but as it's a new 'un, let's get that forgotten division out of the way... what was it called again?



CRUISERWEIGHTS - RING MAGAZINE RANKINGS
Champion: Yoan Pablo Hernandez
1. Marco Huck
2. Grigory Drozd
3. Denis Lebedev
4. Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk
5. Ilunga Makabu
6. Firat Arslan
7. Victor Ramirez
8. Youri Kalenga
9. Dmitry Kudryashov
10. Thabiso Mchunu

On paper, Cruiserweights should have everything. The hardest-hitters outside the heavyweight division, but with more mobility. Yet somehow it always gets overlooked. You suspect that it might actually be quite good, if only anyone ever saw it – a bit like Led's cock.

Take these guys, above. I'm not as into boxing as I was a few years ago, so I have to confess, they're unknowns to me, generally. Marco Huck's official ring name is "Who Gives A Fuck?" which tells you all you need to know, and the last time I saw Lebedev he was in Hellraiser 3 after the Guillmero-Jones bout:





No other division has such an in-built resistance to it, where every champion, even the dishes, gets told "he's good... But I'd like to see him at heavyweight." Of course, it doesn't help that even the Wankopedia entry states that it was invented to help smaller heavies get by. It's like the division’s entire raison de etre is to help the disadvantaged. Effectively it's like making a new weight class: "The Thalidomide Class", just to ensure New England isn't constantly facing fighters with a greater reach advantage. Good old New England and his humility can clean up, beat every fighter in that division, unify all the belts, but you're still only going to say "but WHAT IF…?" That’s what Cruiserweight is, fundamentally… a division where a whale-like egomaniac fights the disabled.

I'm not sure I've even seen any of the other fighters in this ranking, and, while that’s slack of me, isn't it a slackness we all tend to share? I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the fuck is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble?

Cruiserweight… the division that no one ever remembers.

What were we talking about again?

VERDICT: Fuck knows.

hes outdone himself!

[phallus]

There's so much confusion about what really makes a "great" division, that what I thought I'd do is give my verdict on the top ten of each weight class - a kind of inarguable, universal truth if you like. What it'll basically involve is me saying people are shit, talking about cocks and calling Beercules a ****. We'll see how it goes.

Let's start with boxing's once-premier division:


HEAVYWEIGHTS - RING MAGAZINE'S RANKINGS
Champion: Wladski "Wlad" Klitschko
1. Alexander Povetski
2. Deontay "The Batty Windmiller" Wilder
3. Tyson "The Batty Gypo" Fury
4. Kubrat Pulev
5. Bryant Jennings
6. Bermane Stiverne
7. Vyacheslav Glazkov
8. Ruslan Chagaev
9. Tony Thompson
10. Carlos Takam

Now, let's not fuck about here. Freedom and the rest of the Kliteratti will tell you that's a stacked division with a top ten ATG sitting at the top of the pile. But in any sense of reality, that's a fucking shit, shallow division right there. In fact, it's got about as much integrity as Weltschmerz's wedding vows.

People talk about the daft **** sitting at the top, and we've all heard the tales about how the Kliteratti claim that Japan really won World War II ("When the US nuked Hiroshima, Japan was ahead on points") but I liken Wlad's reign to going on a fuck spree through the back of a special bus. You come off, having sodomised thirty kids with down syndrome and say to someone "that proves I must be the greatest lover who ever lived - you can't argue with numbers."

But it's not just having a hugging, shaky-chinned faggot as the champ. Take a look at, say, No.9, Tony Thompson. Now, I LIKE Tony Thompson, he's a good guy, and he gave us the spectacle of David Price looking like Bambi on ice. TWICE. But I'm not saying a moderate-hitting 43-year-old who's lost two of his last four bouts ISN'T one of the top ten best heavyweights right now - I'm saying he SHOULDN'T be. It's like lining up your ten best supermodels for a show, and one of them's 58 with one leg missing. You're like "fuck it - it's the best I can do." Is the division THAT shallow that a 43-year-old with a 50% losing streak over the last two years the best it has to offer? I'm aware that there are a few heavyweights bubbling under who look very good offensively, but they're untested, obviously.

What about the rest? Deontay Wilder can obviously crack, but he fights like a kid in the playground who fell on his head when he was little. I've never seen someone so technically deficient reach such a high level. And while he HAS improved, the only person I've seen really get behind him is New England - a factor I attribute to Wilder having long arms more than anything else. In fact, when I asked for New England's top three P4P, he insisted it should be Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four and Stretch Armstrong. I pointed out that one was fictional and the other was a children's toy, but he showed me 50 skiing videos and insisted I hadn't shown him a pic of my cock, so that meant he'd won the argument. You can't dispute that.

Bermane Stiverne's a lazy fat **** who only shows hunger at the buffet table - the **** just tried to defend his "world" title and put up about as much of a fight as Beercules did against that dwarf who pushed his shit back in for him. Fury I give a pass to because he's funny, and being funny goes a long way. Povetski, as we saw, hasn't got the chin to handle a flush clinch. I haven't actually seen Glazkov or Takam, but from all accounts they're a right pair of ****s.

VERDICT: Poor.

Damn, no one respects that coward Wlad Klitschko.

I needed a good laugh today, this has the potential to be an all time great thread, even without JuyJUy saying " if nigel benn wasn';t a boxer he'd be a bouncer in the West End with 3 kids from 3 different women".

[Showtime..]

Takam is pretty boss. Idk why he's below Thompson give the fact that he BEAT Tony.. He was in a really close fight with Povetkin before the KO.

[!! Anorak]

Takam is pretty boss. Idk why he's below Thompson give the fact that he BEAT Tony.. He was in a really close fight with Povetkin before the KO.

I noticed that, although the rankings shouldn't necessarily work on a "who would beat who" basis, but also on achievements... I guess it's only been six months since he was stopped.

(Incidentally, I don't believe comparisons mean anything at all, but I note his last win was a fifth round KO of Michael Sprott. Sprott's no world beater, but he's a decent enough boxer, even at forty. But his bout prior to that, he was wrecked by Antony Joshua in less than 90 seconds. AJ looks something else offensively, but I've yet to see what he can take in return).

[BennyST]

CRUISERWEIGHTS - RING MAGAZINE RANKINGS
Champion: Yoan Pablo Hernandez
1. Marco Huck
2. Grigory Drozd
3. Denis Lebedev
4. Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk
5. Ilunga Makabu
6. Firat Arslan
7. Victor Ramirez
8. Youri Kalenga
9. Dmitry Kudryashov
10. Thabiso Mchunu

I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the fuck is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble?

This is ****ing gold. Genuinely lol'd.

First thing I thought when skimming over that list without really reading it was that you'd thrown a bunch of random letters on as a pisstake. Hardly know a single one of them.

[PlasterWraps]

I tell you what, ****s, I was gonna do one division a day, but as it's a new 'un, let's get that forgotten division out of the way... what was it called again?



CRUISERWEIGHTS - RING MAGAZINE RANKINGS
Champion: Yoan Pablo Hernandez
1. Marco Huck
2. Grigory Drozd
3. Denis Lebedev
4. Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk
5. Ilunga Makabu
6. Firat Arslan
7. Victor Ramirez
8. Youri Kalenga
9. Dmitry Kudryashov
10. Thabiso Mchunu

On paper, Cruiserweights should have everything. The hardest-hitters outside the heavyweight division, but with more mobility. Yet somehow it always gets overlooked. You suspect that it might actually be quite good, if only anyone ever saw it – a bit like Led's cock.

Take these guys, above. I'm not as into boxing as I was a few years ago, so I have to confess, they're unknowns to me, generally. Marco Huck's official ring name is "Who Gives A Fuck?" which tells you all you need to know, and the last time I saw Lebedev he was in Hellraiser 3 after the Guillmero-Jones bout:





No other division has such an in-built resistance to it, where every champion, even the dishes, gets told "he's good... But I'd like to see him at heavyweight." Of course, it doesn't help that even the Wankopedia entry states that it was invented to help smaller heavies get by. It's like the division’s entire raison de etre is to help the disadvantaged. Effectively it's like making a new weight class: "The Thalidomide Class", just to ensure New England isn't constantly facing fighters with a greater reach advantage. Good old New England and his humility can clean up, beat every fighter in that division, unify all the belts, but you're still only going to say "but WHAT IF…?" That’s what Cruiserweight is, fundamentally… a division where a whale-like egomaniac fights the disabled.

I'm not sure I've even seen any of the other fighters in this ranking, and, while that’s slack of me, isn't it a slackness we all tend to share? I mean, "Krzysztof Wlodarcyzk"... who the fuck is that daft ****, other than 148 points in Scrabble?

Cruiserweight… the division that no one ever remembers.

What were we talking about again?

VERDICT: Fuck knows.

Here I am at work giggling like a damn school girl at this post. Brilliant.