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I first encountered FiveFingers at the gym. There’s this one douchey guy that likes to stomp around, carries a gallon of water, letting everyone know how intense his workout is. He’s always doing laps around the place carrying 45 pound weights and sliding machines together to form weird, hybrid machines that better serve his extreme workout purposes. It’s as if he’s constantly trying to escape the confines of the gym. So it made perfect sense for him to own these bizarre feet-shaped athletic shoes. For he is a joke. A caricature.
But a strange thing has happened of late. The feet shoes are spreading. I was at the gym recently and counted no fewer than a dozen people wearing some manner of FiveFingers, each one looking more ridiculous than the next. What’s wrong with a pair of Nike Airs? The Adidas Adizeros feel like you’re walking on air. Ever slipped on a new pair of Asics? It’s ****ing great; like sliding your dick into a plate of lukewarm mashed potatoes. What is so terrible about the thousands of conventional athletic shoe options available that people feel the need to get this drastic?
Vibram’s claim is that the “revolutionary design makes feet healthier by allowing them to move more naturally and freely.” Really? Healthy feet? Is foot health like a major issue bubbling under the surface? Are podiatrists overwhelmed by the number of people rushing their offices because they haven’t yet discovered the FiveFingers revolution? This can’t really be real can it?
To make matters worse, the “shoes” have managed to escape the confines of the gym and are now hitting the streets. I saw a guy walking around Horton Plaza rocking a trilby, a Baby Bjorn and a pair of these bad boys. All I could think of was “poor kid; daddy’s a ****.” These things are a scourge and it’s time that we rise up together and say “No!”
But a strange thing has happened of late. The feet shoes are spreading. I was at the gym recently and counted no fewer than a dozen people wearing some manner of FiveFingers, each one looking more ridiculous than the next. What’s wrong with a pair of Nike Airs? The Adidas Adizeros feel like you’re walking on air. Ever slipped on a new pair of Asics? It’s ****ing great; like sliding your dick into a plate of lukewarm mashed potatoes. What is so terrible about the thousands of conventional athletic shoe options available that people feel the need to get this drastic?
Vibram’s claim is that the “revolutionary design makes feet healthier by allowing them to move more naturally and freely.” Really? Healthy feet? Is foot health like a major issue bubbling under the surface? Are podiatrists overwhelmed by the number of people rushing their offices because they haven’t yet discovered the FiveFingers revolution? This can’t really be real can it?
To make matters worse, the “shoes” have managed to escape the confines of the gym and are now hitting the streets. I saw a guy walking around Horton Plaza rocking a trilby, a Baby Bjorn and a pair of these bad boys. All I could think of was “poor kid; daddy’s a ****.” These things are a scourge and it’s time that we rise up together and say “No!”
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