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I went with some mates (buddies, Fat Yanks) in this small town that's a right shithole.
I hate going there tbh, there's always some trouble, and the place is always full of drunken twats who can't take their beer and slaggy girls. Once we saw a guy going down on a girl (on the outside of her pants, but still licking her vag) in the middle of the dancefloor. I was turning round to everyone going "is this reality or am I imagining it?"
Anyway, last night we went to a rock bar, and fuck me if this place isn't the biggest shithole you've ever seen. It's full of window-licking fucktards with the brains and personality of an ant, but who somehow think they're hard and cool because they're wearing an Iron Maiden T-Shirt.
The place is rammed, and testosterone is in the air.
I go to the toilet - which is a shithole - and there's a massive queue for the piss tray that constitutes a toilet. I normally go into the crapper so I can wipe my taddywhacker's little head with a bit of toilet tissue afterwards (hygiene, right?) but that's occupied.
So rather than being a queue of normal guys queueing up for a piss, this is some kind of macho, "Who's going to go for a piss first?" fuckfest. You know like when two cars are revving and the red light's about to change? That's the kind of tension-filled, absurdly macho bullshit that was in the air.
"Who's gonna take a piss first, man? I'd cut anyone's throat who jumps in front of me."
So I knew a couple of guys had got there first anyway, and I was gonna be the bigger man. I said to these guys "go on mate (buddy, Fat Yanks), you were first."
All of sudden the tension was out of the air as they said "thanks, man", then when the queue went down, all three of us were pissing together, some of the orderly queue behind.
I remarked on us all having a willy wee wee, and one of the guys left without washing his hands. Now, I was a bit pissed (drunk, Fat Yanks) so I mentioned it, and his mate said "as long as he doesn't piss on his hands, eh?" and I said "I guess, the dirty bugger" and all of a sudden what had been some ridiculously intense situation (the toilet was cramped to fuck as well, which didn't help) had suddenly become Annie's Laugh In. Everyone was pissing, everyone was having a good time.
Suddenly this skinhead comes next to me, and stands on my foot, the clumsy ****. I instinctively move my foot, then say in a cheery, campy way, "ooh, you're on my foot, lad."
So this prick looks at me and goes "move your fucking foot then."
This asshole clearly couldn't take his beer. It didn't help that I'd moved my foot so he looked down and didn't know what I was on about. So I said "I'm just having a laugh with you, but you're standing on my foot, mate." We were having a funtime piss-party, and this dick had spoiled the fun.
Again, he says "move your fucking foot then."
I said summat else, can't remember what, then went to wash my hands (like a beta?)
I turn round, and he's standing at the door waiting for me.
I wasn't overly concerned, as on the other side of that door I had four mates with me, at least one of which was hard, but was I gonna get that far?
He goes to me "are you okay, mate? Is there a problem?" But, weirdly, not in an aggressive way like the twat had just been, but in a more appeasing way.
Now, I can either have a go at this twat or shit my pants, but this guy's just a thick bastard who can't take his beer, so I'm above that shit.
I say to him, "course mate, I was just having a joke with you", and pat his shoulder. While there, I find myself giving him a little belly rub like he's some obedient puppy that I'm patronising to fuck. This guy thinks he's some kind of hard man, and all of a sudden this campy arsehole's touching him in a mock-queer way and talking to him like he's some daft quim.
We go out, and I rejoin my mates (buddies, Fat Yanks) but the guy's all fucked in the head about it.
He comes up to me again and goes "I don't want to fight you, mate" (was he shitting himself? Fuck knows) and he goes "are you happy?"
I was like "yeah, whatever mate, it's all cool" and he goes "if you're happy, then I'm happy" and he was shaking my hand. Nutter.
We left afterwards... on the way out one of the local hard family in the area came in for a drink. He'd probably kick the guy's head in later.
I dunno if I looked particularly hard this night. Afterwards two guys bumped into us in other clubs (I hate clubbing, it's so bumpy and shovy and crap) and when I looked round, both crapped themselves and apologised.
Really, that pissed me off. I felt like saying to them "kick the shit out of me... I'm as soft as shite."
I hate going there tbh, there's always some trouble, and the place is always full of drunken twats who can't take their beer and slaggy girls. Once we saw a guy going down on a girl (on the outside of her pants, but still licking her vag) in the middle of the dancefloor. I was turning round to everyone going "is this reality or am I imagining it?"
Anyway, last night we went to a rock bar, and fuck me if this place isn't the biggest shithole you've ever seen. It's full of window-licking fucktards with the brains and personality of an ant, but who somehow think they're hard and cool because they're wearing an Iron Maiden T-Shirt.
The place is rammed, and testosterone is in the air.
I go to the toilet - which is a shithole - and there's a massive queue for the piss tray that constitutes a toilet. I normally go into the crapper so I can wipe my taddywhacker's little head with a bit of toilet tissue afterwards (hygiene, right?) but that's occupied.
So rather than being a queue of normal guys queueing up for a piss, this is some kind of macho, "Who's going to go for a piss first?" fuckfest. You know like when two cars are revving and the red light's about to change? That's the kind of tension-filled, absurdly macho bullshit that was in the air.
"Who's gonna take a piss first, man? I'd cut anyone's throat who jumps in front of me."
So I knew a couple of guys had got there first anyway, and I was gonna be the bigger man. I said to these guys "go on mate (buddy, Fat Yanks), you were first."
All of sudden the tension was out of the air as they said "thanks, man", then when the queue went down, all three of us were pissing together, some of the orderly queue behind.
I remarked on us all having a willy wee wee, and one of the guys left without washing his hands. Now, I was a bit pissed (drunk, Fat Yanks) so I mentioned it, and his mate said "as long as he doesn't piss on his hands, eh?" and I said "I guess, the dirty bugger" and all of a sudden what had been some ridiculously intense situation (the toilet was cramped to fuck as well, which didn't help) had suddenly become Annie's Laugh In. Everyone was pissing, everyone was having a good time.
Suddenly this skinhead comes next to me, and stands on my foot, the clumsy ****. I instinctively move my foot, then say in a cheery, campy way, "ooh, you're on my foot, lad."
So this prick looks at me and goes "move your fucking foot then."
This asshole clearly couldn't take his beer. It didn't help that I'd moved my foot so he looked down and didn't know what I was on about. So I said "I'm just having a laugh with you, but you're standing on my foot, mate." We were having a funtime piss-party, and this dick had spoiled the fun.
Again, he says "move your fucking foot then."
I said summat else, can't remember what, then went to wash my hands (like a beta?)
I turn round, and he's standing at the door waiting for me.
I wasn't overly concerned, as on the other side of that door I had four mates with me, at least one of which was hard, but was I gonna get that far?
He goes to me "are you okay, mate? Is there a problem?" But, weirdly, not in an aggressive way like the twat had just been, but in a more appeasing way.
Now, I can either have a go at this twat or shit my pants, but this guy's just a thick bastard who can't take his beer, so I'm above that shit.
I say to him, "course mate, I was just having a joke with you", and pat his shoulder. While there, I find myself giving him a little belly rub like he's some obedient puppy that I'm patronising to fuck. This guy thinks he's some kind of hard man, and all of a sudden this campy arsehole's touching him in a mock-queer way and talking to him like he's some daft quim.
We go out, and I rejoin my mates (buddies, Fat Yanks) but the guy's all fucked in the head about it.
He comes up to me again and goes "I don't want to fight you, mate" (was he shitting himself? Fuck knows) and he goes "are you happy?"
I was like "yeah, whatever mate, it's all cool" and he goes "if you're happy, then I'm happy" and he was shaking my hand. Nutter.
We left afterwards... on the way out one of the local hard family in the area came in for a drink. He'd probably kick the guy's head in later.
I dunno if I looked particularly hard this night. Afterwards two guys bumped into us in other clubs (I hate clubbing, it's so bumpy and shovy and crap) and when I looked round, both crapped themselves and apologised.
Really, that pissed me off. I felt like saying to them "kick the shit out of me... I'm as soft as shite."
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