The History of the UFC

[mrpain81]

I got this from another site....


PART 1

Enter Dana "BLAF" White, struggling through life as a Boxercize instructor with ugly wife and two kids to feed. He practically living out of his car, having to schedule aerobics classes all day with fat overweight women so he can barely make ends meet.

Enter wife of Lorenzo Fertitta. She come in to Dana's class one day and she like his class very much. Becuase of this, Dana become re-aquaented with old high school classmate Lorenzo. Lorenzo also happen to be son and heir of billionaire casino owner. Lorenzo also on boxing commission of Nevada. His daddy have many connections.

Lorenzo like boxing very much and want to become big promoter like Don King. Dana tell him he love boxing very much too and almost become professional boxer if he only have courage and heart to do so. Then begin a friendship of Dana kissing the butt of Lorenzo and Lorenzo start to like him very much. He see Dana have potential for front man in new business of promoting boxing, because Dana kiss ass, listen to Lorenzo, and have no money so he can be used like prostitute.

But someting happen, and it is called UFC. This make boxing people very threatened, especially the people of boxing commission in Nevada. But Lorenzo have plan, BIG plan...


PART 2

Lorenzo: Here's my plan, Dana. You listening?

Dana: You better believe I'm listening, boss!

Lorenzo: Ok, here it is, see, we're gonna get involved in this "MMA" business cause I see a future in it. We could corner the whole white whigger suburbia market, understand?

Dana: I understand! I love that market!

Lorenzo: Ok, ok, then we can go after that spic market of boxing fans, understand?

Dana: Uhmm, yeah!

Lorenzo: And we could totally freeze out the Blacks cause we don't like them anyway and they don't spend as much as the white kids and the spics. Those ****ing moulies, with the help of the ****ing jews, only wanna make Black champs in boxing. Well we're gonna bring back white pride and only make white champs, you understand?

Dana: That's ****ing brilliant, boss!

Lorenzo: Yeah, well here's what we're gonna do: This ****ing jew Meyrowitz owns the UFC, and they're on the ropes financially. They're banking big time on breaking into Vegas but they need us on the NSAC to approve them. Of course we ain't approving of ****e unless we OWN the UFC, you understand?

Dana: Yup!


Lorenzo: So what YOU are gonna do is go out and start finding out about this MMA thing and pretend to be an agent. Of course I'm gonna fund you and what you're really gonna do is find us a white guy and a spic who we can market to our target audience. You're gonna recruit them away from whoever they're with with the promise of the big money I can give them when we take over this thing. They'll be our poster boys and we'll turn those two bums into champs.

Dana: OK!

Lorenzo: Once we turn down Meyrowitz from getting sanctioned in Vegas, you'll then go to him and tell him we're interested to buy this thing. Me and my brother will come in and lowball him and we'll get this thing for pennies on the dollar, you understand?

Dana: Yes, YES!! This is ****ing great, boss!

Lorenzo: Yeah, yeah, and then we're gonna turn this thing into the next big thing with the white teenagers who love WWF. We'll copy the WWF's business strategy and totally commercialize this thing into something that belongs in Vegas! And do you know why you're gonna work hard for me to do this Dana?

Dana: Why, boss?

Lorenzo: (Smiling) Cause I'm making you the UFC president and giving you a 10% ownership in this thing for free.

Dana: (crying loudly) THANK YOU BOSS! THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU!! I'LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!! I SWEAR I OWE YOU MY LIFE!!! (still crying like a *****)

Lorenzo: And don't you forget it, Dana. Now kiss my hand.

Dana: *smooch*...*smooch smooch smooch*...

Lorenzo: Ok, that's enough. Now get to work,

Dana: Yes boss!!

[mrpain81]

PART 1: They Meet Again
PART 2: The Big Plan

Part 3: Zuffa!

Now Fertittas buy UFC for 2 million and name their company as "Zuffa". They hire younger no talent brother of Micheal Buffer and he make a website for MMA. Writers of this site can only write good things about Zuffa. They blackball respected MMA journalist Eddie Goldman from their show and make big 10 million promotion for coming out show UFC 33.

Everything going to plan except for one thing: Fertittas and Dana don't know anything about MMA!!

Show is disaster, and website known as Fightsport.com already exposing them for what they really are. No one believe Fightsport, but Fightsport only becoming more famous because they always right. This make Fertittas abd Dana VERY VERY mad.

Everything now not going to plan for Zuffa. The UFC bleed money with every show and Spanish poster boy Tito (who don't speak Spanish) not listening to them. Fighters also complaining about low money and Dana's personality as crybaby *****.

Japanese promotion PRIDE also making them look stupid. PRIDE have better rules, better fighters, better president, have big money TV deal, and sold out stadiums of 25,000 people every show. But Lorenzo say do not worry about PRIDE coming to US because he know he can make NSAC to make things difficult for them. Also, everything that come out of Dana's mouth is really the opinion of Lorenzo, but Lorenzo pretend to be quiet good guy in background. He is not.

But Zuffa on brink of financial ruin and Dana don't like idea of relaity show. Finally Lorenzo say, we must do reality show on Spike TV or else we sell UFC for 8 million at loss of 40 million already spent.

But lucky break about to happen for Zuffa. Very lucky break...

PART 4: UFC Get Lucky

Much to big surprise of Dana and Lorenzo, UFC reality show on Spike TV is big success with ****sexual and white teenager demographic. Because of this, Spike want to do 8 more seasons and PPV sales also become very high.

Now Dana taking credit for reality show even though he hate it before and did not want to do it.

But another big luck come to Zuffa when Japanese yakuza who own K-1 decide they want to take over MMA in Japan and make Fuji TV to drop PRIDE from network. This is big financial blow for PRIDE.

K-1 now think they can buy PRIDE for pennies on dollar, but K-1 is similar to Zuffa in only one way: they also don't know anything about MMA!!

Also, PRIDE people decide to make clever plan. Instead of selling to K-1, they decide to sell PRIDE brand to Zuffa, and make K-1 yakuza go to war against Zuffa mafia. The plan works! PRIDE get 70 million from Zuffa, and K-1 get furious!

Zuffa think they can do PRIDE show in Japan but K-1 yakuza threaten their life and make all TV stations blackball them.On a side note, Fightsport also send Fuji TV a copy of Z-Files that show Fertittas link to mafia.

Zuffa defeated in Japan by K-1 yakuza. But with UFC reality show still making PPV sales good for UFC, they can now advertise with big magazines like Sports Illustrated and ESPN magazine. This make them get cover story for magazine.

Everything looking good for UFC but can it be sustained with inept president and fascist style owners? Maybe not...


Part 5: Enter The Competition

With North American world taking notice of growing UFC brand on Spike TV, big time players decide to get involved.

K-1 hold MMA show in America and break attendance record with 55,000 people. Famous boxing promoter Gary Shaw start EliteXC and succeed where Dana fail by making deal with CBS and Showtime. HBO hate Dana too and decide not to business with UFC. They will make promotion with Oscar De la Hoya promotions instead. FOX make deal with IFL. Billionaire Mark Cuban start HDNet fights and sign away Randy Couture and sign Fedor.

Zuffa now becoming very threatened. Many fighters leaving UFC, but even bigger nightmare happen for Zuffa: they have two black champions!

Poster boys Chuck Liddell and Rich Franklin lose to black fighters. Even reality show have black champion Rashad Evans but Zuffa trying to not promote him.

More nightmare come with black fighter Kimbo Slice. He become big name in America with EliteXC but Dana hate him and do not sign him before. Now karma return to him and UFC.

The behavior of Dana also start to become eccentric. He think he is the star of UFC now. Dana also advertise in ****sexual favorite magazine "Men's Fitness" and put himself on the cover!

Bigger problem for UFC also start with reality show ratings going down by more then half on Spike TV. None of the big TV stations want to work with Dana and Fertittas too. What will happen next to UFC? Is it the end of luck for Dana? Will Lorenzo make him take fall?

This story finish for now but still not finished...

[mgkirkpatrick]

interesting read. cheers.

[Naps]

A lot of it is true, a lot isn't. But a funny read all the same.

[vinnie7731]

that was a funny read!!

[Drunken Cat]

Good ****, could use a little editing though.

Also, I'd rewrite the first section as follows:

Lorenzo: Here's my plan, Dana. You listening?

Dana: You better ****ing believe I'm listening, boss!

Lorenzo: Ok, here it is, see, we're gonna get involved in this "MMA" business cause I see a future in it. We could corner the whole white whigger suburbia market, understand?

Dana: I understand! I ****in love that market!

Lorenzo: Ok, ok, then we can go after that spic market of boxing fans, understand?

Dana: Uhmm, **** yeah!

Lorenzo: And we could totally freeze out the Blacks cause we don't like them anyway and they don't spend as much as the white kids and the spics. Those ****ing moulies, with the help of the ****ing jews, only wanna make Black champs in boxing. Well we're gonna bring back white pride and only make white champs, you understand?

Dana: That's ****ing brilliant, boss!

Lorenzo: Yeah, well here's what we're gonna do: This ****ing jew Meyrowitz owns the UFC, and they're on the ropes financially. They're banking big time on breaking into Vegas but they need us on the NSAC to approve them. Of course we ain't approving of ****e unless we OWN the UFC, you understand?

Dana: ****in yup!


Lorenzo: So what YOU are gonna do is go out and start finding out about this MMA thing and pretend to be an agent. Of course I'm gonna fund you and what you're really gonna do is find us a white guy and a spic who we can market to our target audience. You're gonna recruit them away from whoever they're with with the promise of the big money I can give them when we take over this thing. They'll be our poster boys and we'll turn those two bums into champs.

Dana: **** yeah, OK!

Lorenzo: Once we turn down Meyrowitz from getting sanctioned in Vegas, you'll then go to him and tell him we're interested to buy this thing. Me and my brother will come in and lowball him and we'll get this thing for pennies on the dollar, you understand?

Dana: Yes, **** YES!! This is ****ing great, boss!

Lorenzo: Yeah, yeah, and then we're gonna turn this thing into the next big thing with the white teenagers who love WWF. We'll copy the WWF's business strategy and totally commercialize this thing into something that belongs in Vegas! And do you know why you're gonna work hard for me to do this Dana?

Dana: ****, I don't know. Why boss?

Lorenzo: (Smiling) Cause I'm making you the UFC president and giving you a 10% ownership in this thing for free.

Dana: (crying loudly) HOLY ****! THANK YOU BOSS! THANK YOU!! I ****IN LOVE YOU!! I'LL NEVER ****IN LET YOU DOWN!! I ****IN SWEAR I ****IN OWE YOU MY ****IN LIFE!!! (still crying like a little *****)

Lorenzo: And don't you forget it, Dana. Now kiss my hand.

Dana: *smooch*...*smooch smooch smooch*...

Lorenzo: Ok, that's enough. Now get to work,

Dana: Yes boss!!

[mrpain81]

.................................