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Old 08-27-2006, 04:13 PM #23
GEOFFHAYES GEOFFHAYES is offline
Juy Hayes
 
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Age: 38
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How would you describe your sartorial style?
I would describe it as 19 World Championship wins. I'm not in a race or a competition with anyone else. As long as I'm not offending anyone then my dress sense should be my prerogative.

Your wife, Karron, was in the papers recently claiming you spend 2,700 on each suit, and 1,175 on jodhpurs. Can this be true?
Well my wife is not a liar, so why is that you are asking me to confirm what she says? [Eubank laughs, Small Talk doesn't]. My answer is that my wife does not tell fibs. We never talk about money anyway, it's quite vulgar.

Erm, we're not claiming she's a liar, but is it also true that your haircut costs you 250 and involves a barber flying down from Manchester?
My wife does not tell fibs. He's been flying down, on average, every 10 days for the last nine or 10 years.

That's a lot of money, 91,250 by Small Talk's reckoning. Have you ever tried a 5 cut at Mr Toppers?
What do they do?

Well, they cut. And they shave, if you want that kind of thing...
You see that's just it. All these people cut, but what my barber does is sculpt. He sculpts and it takes him about an hour and a half.

Have you ever fancied asking for a different style, perhaps a light perm, for example?
No. I've been considering taking it all off. They say God gave very few men perfect heads, the rest he put hair on.

And no doubt with one eye on his bank balance, your barber's advised against shaving it all off.
He's swayed me from doing such a thing, yes.

What's the greatest song ever written?
It depends on what mood you're in.

And what's the greatest song ever written according to your current mood?
[Sings] I'm... so in love with you... what ever you want me to... is all right with me-eee-eee-eee. Let me be the one you come running back to-ooo-ooo-ooo...

Ah, Al Green, very nice. And the greatest film ever made?
Once Upon A Time In The West. I'll watch that on average about once a month. The music is the most soothing of all soundtracks I've ever heard, and Charles Bronson is inspirational to the point of bliss. That harmonica and that very cool, laid-back gunslinger is just the best. He's the man!

Him and Mandela. Why do you drive that dirty great truck when you could have yourself a flash motor?
Because it has character and class. All cars have class, yes, but no car has as much character as my truck.

But it can't be economical to run...
Well as my father used to say, if you can afford the car you can afford the petrol.

Must be a sod to park though...
No it's quite easy, you have to park illegally. There's just no place you can park a 32ft truck, so you just leave it where you can.

You must pick up parking tickets faster than The Gaffer!
Well you know, we as entertainers have a duty to the public to keep them amused, and I am a consummate professional to the last.

Small Talk can only thank you for that. What colour underpants are you wearing today?
I do believe they are... black. They're a tight boxer short.

Not too tight, we hope. How much is a pint of milk? (Answer: about 40p)
Erm, a pint of milk is about 89p where I go. [Small Talk suggests he goes to an unscrupulous thief] Well Cullens have a tendency to overcharge, I think [laughs]. Nothing in the store costs 40p. If you wanted a single Bon-bon, that too would cost about 89p.

Kylie or Britney?
I beg your pardon? [Small Talk repeats the question]. They're both good. I wouldn't discriminate in any way, form or shape. [Small Talk asks if he admires their music] Yes, the only music I don't understand is heavy metal. I don't understand it. I can't find the rhythm. I've searched for it many times but I just can't find it.

Sounds like you need some WASP, Chris. Anyway, you've got a ringside seat as a lion takes on a tiger. Who's your money on?
I have no idea. I suppose it would depend on which of them gained the upper hand. It would be a matter of chance.

Tea or coffee?
What type of coffee is it? [Small Talk has no idea, so asks what he'd prefer] Double espresso with lots of cream and sugar. Lots of sugar. Very strong, very sweet [chuckles to himself, Small Talk coughs nervously].

What's your poison? Erm, I don't drink poison. I don't drink alcohol and if I did I wouldn't tell you. [Small Talk wonders why not]. Because I wouldn't push that sort of thing on impressionable children.

Erm, cheese or chocolate can't hurt anyone, can it?
No, and that depends on the mood. At this moment in time I'd say cheese, a French Camembert.

You once claimed to have been one of the best thieves around as a kid. What was your most daring heist?
Well, it wasn't a heist, it was an escape from a shop on Oxford Street when I was about 15. I pinched a couple of suits.

Suits? Weren't they a bit cumbersome, a bit obvious?
Not for a master criminal. I was chased by security from the shop and dropped both suits. When you are being pursued you must realise that self-preservation is the most important aspect. I ended up hiding for half-an-hour in Lillywhites, by which time they'd given up the pursuit.

Do you have a message for any impressionable kids: crime doesn't pay, something like that?
No one escapes the long arm of the law, they are a business, they are very good at what they do and eventually they will catch up with you. Luckily I was given the opportunity to escape that life soon afterwards when I went to New York and began boxing. I see now the error of my ways.

Tell us a joke...
One moment, can you hold the line? [Small Talk can, and does so for 15-20 seconds]. What did the hat say to the tie? You hang around, I'll stay here. Or something like that. Erm, you hang around, I'll sit here. Does that work?

Partly, and it's clean. What's in your pockets?
A phone, a card for a furniture designer, and some money.

And finally, where are you off to now?
Nowhere. I'll lie down on this bed in this hotel room for 15 minutes and wait for my next interview.
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