They say that here, in the US. Not sure if y'all Euros and Asians have that saying but I bet you understand it.
I have not hidden my recent personal problems at all but I'm not about to steer conversations that way either. If the conversation went that way I didn't avoid it but I certainly would not be the one to steer it there. What I'm saying is if you missed it, no big deal bro, I hardly spoke to it.
I can not tell you why, but I am compelled to share this story.
March of 2019 my aunt is murdered by my uncle. Five shots in the face, my cousins were home. I went to the funeral, handled family business, and went home.
The next day I was informed while I had gone my best friend had killed himself. He started having mental issues a little while after high school but I always made sure I was there for him. Until that weekend.
Another funeral, his brothers, uncles, that sort, came and left within a week's time leaving behind his mother, catholic, and his father who had suffered from strokes since the 90s and speech aphasia since 2012.
I would spend the next bit of the year with his parents. Daily, I would get my work done as soon as possible and just spend the day with them. Getting things done, paying bills, eating, that sort of just being there. Showing up, you get me?
During that time I was more willing to speak to females on facebook. I have been on documentaries for my prosthesis work and once that nut is cracked the golddiggers don't stop. I fell for a story about a young girl who grew up crushing on my homie. Met her, but more importantly I met her terminal daughter. The daughter was only just 14 months old, born with cystic fibrosis. There could be no saving this creature but one could make her life easier.
I felt guilty. Single man, successful by any measure of the word, I could provide a life for this child, what life this child is afforded anyway. I could make it better. There's no reason for my daily driver to have twelve goddamn cylinders. There's a reason to take this child to a theme park every goddamn day. Her mother definitely took note of how capable I was while I spoiled her daughter.
I spent my days easing the pain of parents whose child was murdered by his own hands but not by his own will. I know this is true. My friend was delusional, not suicidal. He though gremlins or Russians or something was after his family and the only way to save them was to die. I promise some cray nonsense like that, nothing like he was depressed or anything like that. The point is this was my message, continuously, it was not your treatment, it was not any punishment, he was not said, he loved you, his madness took him not sadness, continuously, every single day.
By night, I ****** some ugly whore to shut her up and spoiled the **** out of her terminal daughter.
December 2019 my fallen brother's father takes a single shot break barrel shot gun and delivers three shots to his wife. She was hit, ran, hit again, and then killed. He would then turn the ******* on to himself and it was over.
Funerals, ***, spoil the terminal child.
My whore has become pregnant. I see this as solidification, he daughter calls me Dad, she has my child inside her. I live in a big ass house. She's moving in for sure and we're going to be a family. I'll spoil the **** out of this terminal baby until that final breath.
She refused to move in. She dumped me.
My baby is born and the extortion begins.
I gave he 1450 a month and saw my own daughter for a few hours a week, but, I could still spoil the terminal child. Sometimes I could save a few hundo by having *** instead of buying time.
2020, the pandemic is in full effect. I can not buy chemicals let alone perform any level of chemistry let alone high level bureaucratic bull****tery. Russia invades, US sanctions, my Russian partners are my doorway to Asia, I lost the ****ing entire Asian market when Russia invaded Ukraine. Over ****ing night.
I would run out my funds, for the most part, because I was still spoiling the terminal child.
2021 I file for custody of my daughter. Her mother delays by simply not responding then opening a child support case.
2022 The custody case has finally started. She calls me, her car has broken down, can she and the kids, including one of my own, get a ride? I pick them up. The kids ask to come to my house. We do that. I take my daughter outside and tell her mother our daughter is not leaving my property until after the custody case is taken care of. She calls the cops, claims I choked her, I get arrested.
I didn't want to keep my daughter from her family, but, at 18 month this kid had a flat on the back of the head from not being picked up, she could not sit up on her own let alone crawl or stand or walk and was not taking in anything buy soy based infant formula. No real drinks, no food.
Didn't know this then, but, on the body cam this ***** chokes herself multiple times. I got no shame bros, if I choked a ***** I'd tell you and justify it, but I didn't. You can give me **** all you like but I didn't actually. She's meant to have my second in the oven and even more than that it just didn't come up. I walked away from that hoe with my baby.
There's a temp custody placed, it runs out, her mom still don't want to sign permanent custody papers so I just kept our child until she did. It was risky, she did have an injunction and everything but I knew she would sign before she lost custody entirely or had to pay for her own custody case to be presented.
Next step is child support. I won't tell you how a dude who works for NASA on TV gets 0'd out against a welfare slut, but, I will tell you child support is done through the revenue service. I get paid by taxes y'all.
2023-2024 they just grinding on me man. BIP class, not allowed to have guns, hell this post-illegal, but no conviction. No trial. No deals made. Just judge's orders. Lawyer keeps pushing deals. State keeps sending me letters to make sure I know they going for 15 years. Everyone's telling me just accept some prison time like as if there's a ****ing point in this.
2025 I pushed for a dismissal hearing, it finally happened. We did not get a verdict, instead we got told to submit arguments while the judge does research, but we left with my lawyer beaming and telling me it could not have gone better while the state was scowling and ran out of there.
So,
I mean your boy might still do 15 bro, but, I'm confident as ever.
What's this to do with God?
Well, yeah man, might not be any atheists, I did try to find God while I was in that ****. Especially that uneventful 23/24 period. Jesus bro, they just grind on you man. Make sure you feel it. You don't know it's going to be years, ever court date might be your last so you kiss your baby for the last time like once a month. Sucks a big D and any out would be fine by me. I wanted to know God but I didn't.
No sermon ever landed for me. No religion seems to fit. No philosophy moved me. During a time when I am starving for some moving philosophical bull****.
What moves me now is what always moved me.
The Quest, The Impossible Dream, this is the holiest of all holy to me. My ****ing privilege to come into this world and make sure I put more good into it than it afforded me.
Secondly, I don't even get what y'all arguing about.
Big **** vs Jesus? You serious? Do one say from the whole came many or do both say that?
Evolution vs Creation? You serious? What is a thing that can never adapt because it is already perfectly adapted to all things but a God? Evolution predicts God fool.
Your God is wrong? TF? Ineffable? We ****ed up the unknowable? Yeah bro, by design. We can't do perfect, duh. If all parts come from the whole then all things are divine and we merely catch glimpses of aspects of the whole. Be it a rock, a person, or a god like Apollo.
Veneration of ancestors is sin? TF? The whole took some part of it and created a new identity fool, you can't praise anything but God.
No more prophecy? You sure? You sure about that? But at the same time you ****ers can't even be ****ed to learn the language of you god or his prophets?
So I guess I am climbing out of my foxhole now, still an atheist, but I tried to get it while I was in there. It's cool if you like the Jesus, I don't hate him. But it's also cool if you like just chance or Rama or whatevs bro, because, from the whole came the divisions. Period.
I have not hidden my recent personal problems at all but I'm not about to steer conversations that way either. If the conversation went that way I didn't avoid it but I certainly would not be the one to steer it there. What I'm saying is if you missed it, no big deal bro, I hardly spoke to it.
I can not tell you why, but I am compelled to share this story.
March of 2019 my aunt is murdered by my uncle. Five shots in the face, my cousins were home. I went to the funeral, handled family business, and went home.
The next day I was informed while I had gone my best friend had killed himself. He started having mental issues a little while after high school but I always made sure I was there for him. Until that weekend.
Another funeral, his brothers, uncles, that sort, came and left within a week's time leaving behind his mother, catholic, and his father who had suffered from strokes since the 90s and speech aphasia since 2012.
I would spend the next bit of the year with his parents. Daily, I would get my work done as soon as possible and just spend the day with them. Getting things done, paying bills, eating, that sort of just being there. Showing up, you get me?
During that time I was more willing to speak to females on facebook. I have been on documentaries for my prosthesis work and once that nut is cracked the golddiggers don't stop. I fell for a story about a young girl who grew up crushing on my homie. Met her, but more importantly I met her terminal daughter. The daughter was only just 14 months old, born with cystic fibrosis. There could be no saving this creature but one could make her life easier.
I felt guilty. Single man, successful by any measure of the word, I could provide a life for this child, what life this child is afforded anyway. I could make it better. There's no reason for my daily driver to have twelve goddamn cylinders. There's a reason to take this child to a theme park every goddamn day. Her mother definitely took note of how capable I was while I spoiled her daughter.
I spent my days easing the pain of parents whose child was murdered by his own hands but not by his own will. I know this is true. My friend was delusional, not suicidal. He though gremlins or Russians or something was after his family and the only way to save them was to die. I promise some cray nonsense like that, nothing like he was depressed or anything like that. The point is this was my message, continuously, it was not your treatment, it was not any punishment, he was not said, he loved you, his madness took him not sadness, continuously, every single day.
By night, I ****** some ugly whore to shut her up and spoiled the **** out of her terminal daughter.
December 2019 my fallen brother's father takes a single shot break barrel shot gun and delivers three shots to his wife. She was hit, ran, hit again, and then killed. He would then turn the ******* on to himself and it was over.
Funerals, ***, spoil the terminal child.
My whore has become pregnant. I see this as solidification, he daughter calls me Dad, she has my child inside her. I live in a big ass house. She's moving in for sure and we're going to be a family. I'll spoil the **** out of this terminal baby until that final breath.
She refused to move in. She dumped me.
My baby is born and the extortion begins.
I gave he 1450 a month and saw my own daughter for a few hours a week, but, I could still spoil the terminal child. Sometimes I could save a few hundo by having *** instead of buying time.
2020, the pandemic is in full effect. I can not buy chemicals let alone perform any level of chemistry let alone high level bureaucratic bull****tery. Russia invades, US sanctions, my Russian partners are my doorway to Asia, I lost the ****ing entire Asian market when Russia invaded Ukraine. Over ****ing night.
I would run out my funds, for the most part, because I was still spoiling the terminal child.
2021 I file for custody of my daughter. Her mother delays by simply not responding then opening a child support case.
2022 The custody case has finally started. She calls me, her car has broken down, can she and the kids, including one of my own, get a ride? I pick them up. The kids ask to come to my house. We do that. I take my daughter outside and tell her mother our daughter is not leaving my property until after the custody case is taken care of. She calls the cops, claims I choked her, I get arrested.
I didn't want to keep my daughter from her family, but, at 18 month this kid had a flat on the back of the head from not being picked up, she could not sit up on her own let alone crawl or stand or walk and was not taking in anything buy soy based infant formula. No real drinks, no food.
Didn't know this then, but, on the body cam this ***** chokes herself multiple times. I got no shame bros, if I choked a ***** I'd tell you and justify it, but I didn't. You can give me **** all you like but I didn't actually. She's meant to have my second in the oven and even more than that it just didn't come up. I walked away from that hoe with my baby.
There's a temp custody placed, it runs out, her mom still don't want to sign permanent custody papers so I just kept our child until she did. It was risky, she did have an injunction and everything but I knew she would sign before she lost custody entirely or had to pay for her own custody case to be presented.
Next step is child support. I won't tell you how a dude who works for NASA on TV gets 0'd out against a welfare slut, but, I will tell you child support is done through the revenue service. I get paid by taxes y'all.
2023-2024 they just grinding on me man. BIP class, not allowed to have guns, hell this post-illegal, but no conviction. No trial. No deals made. Just judge's orders. Lawyer keeps pushing deals. State keeps sending me letters to make sure I know they going for 15 years. Everyone's telling me just accept some prison time like as if there's a ****ing point in this.
2025 I pushed for a dismissal hearing, it finally happened. We did not get a verdict, instead we got told to submit arguments while the judge does research, but we left with my lawyer beaming and telling me it could not have gone better while the state was scowling and ran out of there.
So,

What's this to do with God?
Well, yeah man, might not be any atheists, I did try to find God while I was in that ****. Especially that uneventful 23/24 period. Jesus bro, they just grind on you man. Make sure you feel it. You don't know it's going to be years, ever court date might be your last so you kiss your baby for the last time like once a month. Sucks a big D and any out would be fine by me. I wanted to know God but I didn't.
No sermon ever landed for me. No religion seems to fit. No philosophy moved me. During a time when I am starving for some moving philosophical bull****.
What moves me now is what always moved me.
The Quest, The Impossible Dream, this is the holiest of all holy to me. My ****ing privilege to come into this world and make sure I put more good into it than it afforded me.
Secondly, I don't even get what y'all arguing about.
Big **** vs Jesus? You serious? Do one say from the whole came many or do both say that?
Evolution vs Creation? You serious? What is a thing that can never adapt because it is already perfectly adapted to all things but a God? Evolution predicts God fool.
Your God is wrong? TF? Ineffable? We ****ed up the unknowable? Yeah bro, by design. We can't do perfect, duh. If all parts come from the whole then all things are divine and we merely catch glimpses of aspects of the whole. Be it a rock, a person, or a god like Apollo.
Veneration of ancestors is sin? TF? The whole took some part of it and created a new identity fool, you can't praise anything but God.
No more prophecy? You sure? You sure about that? But at the same time you ****ers can't even be ****ed to learn the language of you god or his prophets?
So I guess I am climbing out of my foxhole now, still an atheist, but I tried to get it while I was in there. It's cool if you like the Jesus, I don't hate him. But it's also cool if you like just chance or Rama or whatevs bro, because, from the whole came the divisions. Period.
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