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I Lost the Weight So Why Am I So Miserable?

I was overweight at my age. It's not a pretty sight, but it's also not the center of my universe, either. As a woman in my 40's I don't worry about my weight. I eat whatever tickles my fancy because I can. Also when you're in your 40's you don't think about dating; you think about being alone for the rest of your life. I guess you think your dating antics are over, and you don't have to worry about how you look.

That scenario is for the birds in the 21st century. I know women in their 70's and 80 are who are getting married, so age is only just a number. Romance comes in all shapes, ages, and it just doesn't matter.

I have to admit that my doorbell wasn't ringing bells of joy with men trying to take me out; my telephone wasn't ringing off the hook either. I don't get a lot of looks like I used too when I was petite, and men certainly aren't whistling at me. It's not easy being invisible when you were still alive, and trying to survive in a world for the young people with the gorgeous petite bodies.

This was a state of depression for me so I ate. Some people smoked, starved themselves to death, drank, but I ate. Food became my best friend, and before I knew it I was appalled at the way I looked when I was naked. I wanted to shoot myself, but food was the ruination for me. I loved my food from ice cream to potato chips. Food was considered my companion.

I always had this fantasy that I'd find the man of my dreams, and he'd accept me just the way I am, an unconditional man. It took almost ten years of my life, but I met Larry. He had a gut and was big himself, so it didn't matter to him that I was overweight. He just wanted someone with meat on their bones, and I met all his qualifications.

Larry was funny, and he complimented me all the time. He was a man that was so proud of himself, he did everything he could to please me. Larry treated me like a queen.

Our relationship continued for two years, and then I broke up with Larry. He was 53 and settled in his ways. He caught the mice, so he didn't see the need to continue to impress me. He started to take me for granted, and I couldn't have any of that. I was very disappointed that I had to end our relationship, but girls got to do what a girl's got to do.

Of course my best friend was food so I had my man. I made sure that I drank water and walked on a daily basis, so I ate, but I didn't gain any unnecessary weight. Of course I didn't lose any either.

It was another year later and I was still overweight. I wasn't looking for a man because there wasn't a man out there who wanted an overweight woman, so I had to come to that sad realization. Men say they want women with meat on their bones, but that was just a line to get a booty call. Most of the time men were masters at lying, and they had it down to a science in an art form.

Anyway, I was taking a walk down my block in Oak Lawn, Illinois when I stopped to take a five minute break. I was determined to walk a few more blocks and then return home. "Are you okay?" the man asked.

I stared at the handsome man. "I'm fine. I was just taking a break."

"Me too," he replied. "I usually walk when the weather gets into a cooler normal mode."

The man was skinny, and he looked athletic to me. Why did he need any kind of exercise? He was black, tall, dark, and handsome. He looked to be in his late forties, but I was never knowledgeable on the age factor.

"My name is Ben," he replied. "I don't remember seeing you walking at this time of day."

It was the afternoon around three. "I don't either, but I was just in the mood to get my exercising going on and then some. Besides, I like walking because it gave me the time to think about the issues in my life, and find some healthy solutions for them. I think walking is the most beneficial exercise for losing weight."

"Walking is the best exercise and dancing," Ben said. "You look fine to me, but we all can't afford not to be healthy. How about going dancing with me? There's a stepping contest coming up and with the right partner, we could win one thousand dollars. I love stepping."

I stared at the man. "Are you inviting me out on a date?"

"I am," he incredibly replied. "Is something wrong with my manners?"

"No," I cried. "I was just surprised."

"Do you know how to step?" he asked.

"It's one of my favorite dance moves," I laughed. "I won a contest about two years ago."

"Then you and I will win again because I won last year."

"Then we have a date."

"We should set up some practice sessions. I want to become the stepper champion for this year."

We did have that concept in mind. "Me too!"

"Why don't we meet here, and then go to the park? I'm sure we can find a secluded area, and practice some of our dance moves."

"I'll be here at three," I smiled.

"It's a pleasure," he laughed. "I don't even know your name."

"It's Carolyn Rains."

"Again it's a pleasure."

Ben and I practiced for three weeks, and I was so out of shape I thought he was going to find another partner. Ben had a lot of energy at 48, and he wanted to keep going for hours. I knew the steps, and we might have the chance to win. I was going to get some rest because the competition was tomorrow and we had to win.

Of course we won first prize, and Ben was all over himself. We congratulated each other, divided up the money, and then went out to dinner. Ben told me he was eager to have a relationship with me, but I wasn't his type. He usually dated petite women. I was so offended by his words, but I really liked him. I decided at that moment to go on a diet. I was going to lose one hundred pounds.

Ben and I continued to chat on the phone. He wanted to go out, but I was determined to lose the weight before he saw me again. I was on a mission to be with this man. I never thought about his antics. Why should I lose the weight to be with him? If he didn't like me the way I was, then he needed to move on. There were millions of petite women in the Chicago area, so he'd be able to find his mate. What was wrong with me? Didn't I have any self-esteem about myself?

I was desperate for a man and it didn't matter about how I was feeling. I had this chemistry with Ben, and it felt good to be with him. I wanted to do everything in my power to date him.

After five weeks of practically starving myself, I lost fifty pounds and agreed to go out to dinner with Ben. He was eager to see me because we had been talking on the phone for hours on end.

He came to my house, and he almost fell out. I was wearing a mini dress, and my gorgeous legs were showing. Ben was all over me, and he couldn't believe how gorgeous I looked.

We went out that night, and then we went back to his place to make passionate love. The excitement Ben was giving me was worth losing the weight because my body was intimated by all the pleasure it was receiving. It had been a long time since my body saw this much passion and pleasure. Ben knew how to please a woman with his ravaging and raging lovemaking techniques. I was in a zone of heaven and loving every minute of it.

Ben and I continued to make love for another week, and I finally had a man I could call my boyfriend again. I was also skinny so men were knocking down my door, and trying to get my telephone number. This was definitely new to me.

I was a little worried today because I hadn't heard from Ben. He usually didn't go a day without calling me. Where was he? I didn't want to call him because I always believed the man was the one who did all the calling. I waited patiently and when it was ten, I knew something was going on.

I picked up my cell phone. It wouldn't hurt me to call him. I dialed his number and waited. I was nervous for some reason.

"Hello," the woman said.

I was stunned, and about to hang up, but something kept me from doing just that. "May I speak to Ben?" I calmly replied.

"Is this his sister, Carolyn? I'm Lacy his girlfriend. I can't wait to meet you. Ben is in the shower right now. Can he call you back?"

I was speechless for the moment, and then I became angry. "How long have you been dating my brother?"

"About two years now. We're getting married next month."

I thought I was going to faint from the excitement. "I see. I'll talk to him later." I quickly disconnected the call and then the tears blinded me into a rage of madness. Ben was about to get married. The man was playing me for a fool. I couldn't believe I had given myself to him. Men were dogs!

I thought Ben would call and apologize, but that wasn't happening. It was two weeks later, and men were banging their heads up against the wall to talk to me. I called a few, and went out, and they were all over me. I didn't like the way the brothers were attacking me. I wanted to get to know a man before I got into bed with him. I wasn't making that mistake ever again.

I thought about Ben every day hoping that he'd call, or ring my doorbell, but it wasn't happening. He was too busy planning his wedding. I was never going to stab myself in the heart with a man again.

I had the body now, but I was miserable as sin. I couldn't trust any man, and I wasn't just going to be a booty call for them. I was going into my three month rule I learned from watching an episode of GIRLFRIENDS. There would be no sex for me until after three months. If I had someone still in my life at that time, I knew the relationship might be moving into a serious direction.

I met ten men along the way, and when I informed them about my three month rule, they ran for the hills and didn't look back. Most of the time I spent my time working, and then watching cable alone. I never thought I'd be in this boat being a size 6 now. I was lonelier than ever. I had the look, but the men weren't going to change their stripes for another skinny woman. I was learning a valuable lesson. I had lost all this weight, but I was still a miserable human being.

I wanted to go to the supermarket and buy a gallon of chocolate ice cream, but I refused to defeat the purpose of losing the weight. Of course I didn't lose the weight for me, but Ben. I wanted to spend my entire life with him, but he was only playing games with me. I felt sorry for his fiancé because eventually she was going to find out that her man was a cheating dog.

Three months later I was walking down my block when I heard a car horn blow. I knew they were probably honking for me because my looks demanded attention when I took my walks now. It was summer time, and most of the time I wore shorts and a halter top. I was making up for lost time.

I followed the honking and then I stopped dead in my tracks. I knew the car. It was Larry. I walked over to his car. "Hi. How are you doing?"

"I saw you passing by, but I couldn't believe it. Where is all the weight, Carolyn?"

"All of my walking has paid off," I lied. I wasn't about to tell him the truth about losing weight for a man.

"I was going to the park. Why don't you join me?"

I didn't want too, but I was still feeling so lonely so it couldn't hurt. I got into Larry's Cadillac and smiled. He still looked the same with his gut, but he was also a good looking man. I was sorry we couldn't have the kind of relationship that we both wanted.

"I'm sure you have men all over you, but you attracted them when you were overweight too," Larry pointed out.

"That's in my past, and I do. I'm just enjoying being able to wear shorts and mini skirts."

"You could have worn them all along, Carolyn. I told you that you had gorgeous big legs, and men die for big legs on a woman. You always wore long skirts with me. Why?"

"Larry, you didn't appreciate me when we were dating, so let's not dwell in the past. I'm on another planet in my life, and it's time to relate to the future. I'm sure Madeline is in your life. She was a constant pain in our relationship. I wish the two of you sheer happiness."

"Madeline got married to her high school sweetheart last month. I went to the wedding, and it was great. Everyone asked about you. I have to admit, Carolyn that I miss you like crazy. I wanted to call you so many times, I lost count. I know you wouldn't give me the time of day with that gorgeous body of yours now, but I'm sorry. I'd give anything to have a second chance with you."

I couldn't believe his words. I was miserable being skinny, and no one would believe this plight of mine. I couldn't trust men now, and they just wanted to sleep with me. I wanted someone I could trust, and have a conversation with. Larry and I had that in common. "I don't know what to say."

"Just think about it," Larry said. "I made so many mistakes with you by taking you for granted. I caught you, so I didn't see the need to keep you. Everyone told me that I was a fool for letting you go, and I prayed about us. When I saw you walking, I knew God had just answered my prayers. I love you, Carolyn, and that will never change."

I stared at him, and he was telling the truth because I knew him like I knew myself, and he was being very honest and sincere with me. "I have this three month rule."

He laughed and I laughed with him. "That's fine with me because I'm going to live on Viagra to keep up with you. I'm also going to cook for you again, Carolyn. You're to skinny for me."

I hysterically laughed. You just couldn't win with a man. "Okay, Larry. Why don't you cook something for me now? I've been starving myself to death to keep this body, and I'm hungry as a cat with no food.

"It'd be my pleasure," Larry said.

I smiled at him.

You might find this difficult to believe, but I'm happy as a lark now. I gained some of my weight back, and I was now a size 16. I had no intention of going beyond this weight, and Larry and I were officially engaged. We'd be getting married at the end of the year in December. I always dreamed of a Christmas Eve wedding.

I guess I learned in this episode of my life that I had to be careful for what I wished for because I might just get it. I had the chance to be a size 6, and meet all the men in Chicago, and then some. I met, Ben remember, and he turned out to be a cad in wolf's clothing.

Being skinny isn't going to make a man respect you, and treat you like a woman should be treated. I have to respect myself first, and then the rest will come along with the program. I gained the weight back, and I was the most contented woman today. Not only did I learn a valuable lesson, but I got my man back too. My unconditional man and Larry were that and then some.

My name is Carol Ann Culbert Johnson. I am a grandmother of two gorgeous grandchildren, Alexis and Jordan. Please check out my debut book, I CONFESS at My second novel, EVERYTHING AND MORE, will be published in 2006.


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