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How Not To Lose Weight


Who really wants to lose weight? None of us, right? How much fun is it to be on a diet, deprived of all you really want and need when there is a McDonald's, Krispy Kreme or Baskin and Robbins right around the corner calling out your name? Learn to love what you've got, get more (and bigger portions) out of life and let all the skinny people fend for themselves! Following is our guide to not losing weight:

1. Drive Everywhere You Go.

God gave us cars for a reason - so that we would never have to walk another step unless we wanted to! Forget about buying or using a bike, motorcycle or your own two feet. Drive everywhere you need to go - even if it's just around the block.

2. Never Take The Stairs.

All those exercise books are always advising us to 'take the stairs instead of the elevator'. Can they spell c-o-n-v-e-n-i-e-n-c-e? Elevators get us to where we need to be quickly and efficiently - and that's good enough for us. Use stairs only in case of an emergency.

3. Eat Whatever You Want.

There is so much wonderful variety in today's foods - we have fast food, gourmet food, pastries, fried foods, seafood, beef, fish and poultry - how can you restrict your eating to just one or two things? Eat whatever you want - enjoy yourself and worry about the consequences tomorrow.

4. Exercise, Shmexercise!

Exercise - who needs it? You probably get enough exercise in your daily life as it is - chasing after the kids, doing housework, keeping up with your appointments, going to church, and all that driving around has to burn off some calories, right? So, don't worry about it - the last thing you need to do at the end of a hard day of work is drag yourself to the gym. Work hard, rest harder.

5. Watch As Much Television As You Can.

What does watching television have to do with not losing weight? Watching television goes hand in hand with one of our favorite activities - snacking! We get to snack on such wonderful things as tv dinners, popcorn, potato chips, cookies, and my personal favorite - chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream! Hmm, hmm, makes me hungry just thinking about it. So, pull up to Extreme Makeover, pull out that bag of popcorn and snack away!

6. Never Count Calories, Fat Grams or Carbs.

Who has time to read all those labels anyway? You know if something is good, right? You don't need a label to tell you that. And fat grams and carbs? Forget about it - the government can't even decide what's healthy anymore and what's not. Good carbs, bad carbs, who can keep up? Eat what tastes good and let God sort out the rest.

And, finally:

7. Never Weigh Yourself!

This is the final and most important step - never get on that scale! Don't even buy a scale (and if you already have one - throw it out)! Because, if you do, you will find that doing all the above things will not only cause you not lose weight, but you will in fact gain weight. But, by not buying a scale, you won't be aware of that fact until your clothes no longer fit, your blood pressure goes up or until your cholesterol shoots sky high! But, until that time, leave the scale and the calorie counting behind you in your quest to not lose weight!

(In case you haven't figured it out - this article is in no way meant to be serious. It is simply our ironic way of pointing out the countless excuses we use to remain overweight, our refusal to diet and our lack of motivation in incorporating exercise into our daily lives. Stay turned for my next (and more serious) article in this series - Simple Ways to Lose Weight. Until then - Be Blessed!)

Sonya C. Triggs is a contributing writer to Urban Christianz Ministries. Visit this website to get practical advice about every day spirituality, dating, relationships and becoming closer to God.


MORE RESOURCES:

The Albany Herald

PERRY BUCHANAN: 'Starvation mode' doesn't stop weight loss
The Albany Herald
#Is it possible to eat too few calories and not lose weight because of being in “starvation mode?” I'm often asked this question by weight-loss clients who are experiencing a plateau. The idea that not eating enough causes the body to stop losing ...



Yahoo Health

FDA Issues Warning On Weight Loss Supplements Containing Dangerous ...
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“Physicians should remain vigilant for patients presenting with toxicity from sports and weight-loss supplements as they might contain undisclosed stimulants, such as BMPEA,“ Cohen and researchers wrote in the study, which was published in the journal ...
FDA Warns Weight Loss, Workout Supplement Sellers Listing BMPEA ...Forbes
What Is BMPEA? Weight Loss Supplement Ingredient Similar To Amphetamine ...International Business Times
Contentious Weight Loss Drug Not Natural Warns FDAeMaxHealth
Law360 (subscription)
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POPSUGAR

The Number 1 Bad Habit You Need to Stop If You Want to Lose Weight
POPSUGAR
In fact, she believes in how your emotional state helps or hinders weight loss so much that she wants you to stop a habit that's common among many women. If you do, you'll see weight-loss results even faster, Kimberly promises. Your new mission? Stop ...
Wellness Tips: Did you know thoughts affect weight loss plans?Pulse Nigeria

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Hollywood Life

'Teen Mom 2's' Kailyn Lowry Reveals Secrets To Impressive Weight Loss
Hollywood Life
Hot mama! MTV's Kailyn Lowry has always been vocal about her weight struggles, as documented on 'Teen Mom 2.' After giving birth to her son Lincoln Marshall in Dec. 2013, the tattooed beauty has succeeded in shedding the baby weight.
Kailyn Lowry Shares Impressive Weight Loss Photo, Says She Has 20 Pounds ...Us Magazine
"Teen Mom 2" Star Kailyn Lowry Shows Off Impressive Weight Loss -- See The Pic!TooFab.com
Teen Mom 2's Kailyn Lowry Posts Incredible Weight Loss Transformation On ...PerezHilton.com
RumorFix -The Hollywood Gossip
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Carbondale Chiropractic adds weight loss program
The Southern
The Carbondale Chiropractic Injury Clinic announced this week it has added the Doctor Supervised ChiroThin Weight Loss Program to its office. “The number of people in the United Sates that are overweight or obese has reached near epidemic portions," ...



Fairfield Daily Republic

Commercial weight loss programs come under scrutiny
Fairfield Daily Republic
Against that backdrop, a literature analysis was undertaken describing proprietary weight loss programs, published recently by Dr. Kimberly A. Gudzune and co-authors in the journal Annals of Internal Medicine. The 2010 Patient Protection and Affordable ...



Lifestyle-induced weight loss produces improvement in NASH, fibrosis
Healio
VIENNA — Weight loss induced through year-long lifestyle intervention independently predicted improvement in non-alcoholic steatohepatitis, non-alcoholic steatosis and fibrosis, according to a study presented at the 2015 International Liver Congress.



Nooga.com

Kitchen Intuition: A cheap, easy weight loss secret
Nooga.com
This is such a good secret that I even forgot about it for a while and needed a reminder. And when it came recently, the prompt was timely, for here we are, poised between the good intentions at the root of our New Year's resolutions and Lenten ...



Yahoo Health

Weight-Loss Win: Andie Lost 135 Pounds And Gained A Sense Of Strength
Yahoo Health
Ten years ago, I began my weight-loss journey — one that lasted for 13 humbling months and concluded with me losing 135 pounds. It was the most transformative experience of my life — and not simply in the ways one might expect. Of course, I had ...



New York Daily News

Food Stamp Challenge leads to slight weight loss for Daily Newser
New York Daily News
Cutting my budget has meant tightening my belt — literally. As I begin to wrap up my weeklong Food Stamp Challenge, I noticed my jeans are just a bit more loose than they used to be. Restricting my spending to $29 on groceries - the average amount the ...

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