|The Lounge | Champions | The Wire | Schedule | Audio | Arcade | The Top Ten | Historical | Email | Video|
Serious Dieting Tips, Humorous Explanations
A few months ago, I set out to lose 22.6 pounds, then to put back on at least half of it.
Huh? Anybody who's ever found herself stuck on a yo-yo diet is probably thinking that I am either crazy or planning way too hard for the inevitable yo-yo heartaches. However, my plan is more sneaky than that.
First, I want to lose this rubber tire I've been carrying around my waist. Have you ever gotten stuck inside a rubber tire? It's not a pretty site.
Then, I want to put back some of that weight in the form of muscle. It's my grand master plan to change my shape from looking like a silly pear to looking like an upside down silly pear.
Will it work?
I think I have the "silly" part figured out. And so far, I have lost14.6 pounds, but I think I really lost a few more, because I have been getting ahead of schedule on adding those muscle pounds.
I would love to tell you what my weight is now, but that's very private information. Why should it be so private? I am not 100% certain, but I believe it is so that people can easily move between Earth and the Moon without being detected by hidden scales. (Why people keep their age private is the subject of my column on aging gracefully at http://www.thehappyguy.com/aging-gracefully.html .)
While there is more to healthy dieting than a few tips, these ten dieting tips should help you laugh away a few pounds (What a great way to lose!). Hint: the tips are serious; the explanations are not.
Tip #1: Never eat before bed. This is just common sense. It is so much more fun to eat IN bed.
Tip #2: Bake, don't fry. This is also common sense. Baking allows you to retain more friendships. When you bake in the sun, you get a nice tan and go for a dip in the pool to cool off with your friends. But when you fry, you get a sunburn and don't dare go in the shower for a week...which scares your friends away.
Tip #3: Drink plenty of water before meals. This will help you eat less during the meal. After all, few people can over-eat consistently while rushing off to the bathroom.
Tip #4: Don't taste-test while you cook. Many cooks taste their dishes several times while cooking to make sure the flavor is just right. Over a lifetime, the typical cook who takes such measures will put on 13.4 pounds. Worse still, tasting your cooking in advance deprives you of entertaining facial scrunches when your family tastes your untested recipes. (Remember that laughter is a great way to burn calories?)
Tip #5: Don't eat what your kids leave behind. Admit it, after your kids leave the table, you gather up the food they leave behind. You just can't bear to throw it away because you know that it's enough to feed a small, famished African country. So you eat a "second supper" out of guilt. How can you be so heartless?! Send the leftover food to that small, famished African country.
Tip #6: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are not all that bad for you, if you eat them in moderation. But stay away from those dreaded peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.
Tip #7: Blot your pizza to remove 17% of the saturate fats. If you blot it really well, you can remove 100%. Of course, an empty plate might require a spicier sauce...
Tip #8: No snacking in front of the TV. Get up. Right now. No snacking in front of my TV. I don't want crumbs on my living room carpet.
Tip #9: Schedule your exercise. It's true, if you don't schedule it, your exercise will get pushed aside by things you do schedule. I suggest scheduling it during office meetings, dental appointments and reality TV shows. You wouldn't want to miss anything important, would you?
Tip #10: This is a good one. Why, because #10 on any top-ten list is always a good one. Ten is a great number. So tip #10 is to celebrate every ten pounds lost by preparing a triple chocolate double-dip cheesecake supreme ice cream parfait deluxe. Go ahead and drool. You deserve it. And if you think preparing it is fun, just wait until you lose another 50 pounds ... and have permission to actually eat it.
I hope these tips help you. On a serious note, most people will lose a significant amount of weight if they follow these ten tips along with watching their calories according to any popular healthy dieting plan. Well...almost. You might not want to follow tip #6. You will probably lose fewer pounds eating jelly than you would eating jellyfish.
About The Author
David Leonhardt writes about happy thoughts at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com , positive thinking at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html and tearing down your house at http://www.thehappyguy.com/home-improvement-project.html ... so why not write about dieting?
Weight loss: Choosing a diet that's right for you | WPTZ Home - WPTZ Home ... - WPTZ The Champlain Valley
Healthy Living: Research shows that financial incentives improve weight loss ... - The Providence Journal
How Much Will A Tummy Tuck Really Cost?
The cost of a tummy tuck is something to consider when making your ultimate decision. The fees vary and depend on the type of surgery performed, geographic location, hospital and anesthesia fees and other costs.
Top 5 Most Popular Diet Programs Reviewed
There are many subscriber programs available both onlineand in the real world for dieters. In order to help choose one orjust learn more about them in order to help round out your daily life and coordinate your activities, foods - - i.
Overcoming the 7 Roadblocks to Maintaining Weight Loss
1. Become aware of what you are eating.
The Psychology of Weight Loss: Part 3 - Lose the Hang Ups!
We have missed the boat and your boat is sinking fast. You have weighted your ship down with stats, calories, grams and pounds.
Move, Move, Move for Greater Weight Loss
The loss of fat comes from fat cells all over the body, not from one or more specific area's so spot reduction of a certain area is not possible. The main priority of this article is to show you the quickest and safest way to lose fat from the body.
A Revolutionary Product Called Hoodia Part 2
The rediscovery of the wealth of the wonder drug Hoodia was a chance occurrence. While scientists were busy searching a cure for HIV/AIDS they found it and the test conducted revealed that the expedition turned out worthwhile.
Low Carb Diet - The Way To Weight Loss?
Everybody you know is on the latest weight loss bandwagon: The Low Carb Diet. They've seen the astounding results on the scale and have lost 10+ pounds in a short period of time.
Weight Loss Options -- Infrared Radiant Heat Saunas (IR Saunas)
Infrared Radiant Heat (IRRH) is a form of radiation that penetrates the outer surface of objects, including human skin. Heat is generated as the infrared energy interacts with and penetrates the skin surface.
Hoodia- Modern Zeal of Ancient San
The long marginalized San tribe of South Africa has suddenly come to the time light. An ancient practice of chewing a plant to ward of hunger has given birth to the modern charisma called P57.
Hydrate to Lose Weight: Drinking Water & Its Relationship to Weight Loss
It all begins with water ..
Close Kept Secrets to Weight Loss
Discover secrets to overcome food addictions by releasing negative thoughts and reframing with powerful affirmations, and manifest all that is yours by Divine right.My name is Tami Close and my intention is to empower women to realize they are responsible for their own health and well-being.
The Carbs Go In, the Cravings Come Out, thats What Weight Gain is All About
It can happen with one bite. The moment those refined carbohydrates enter my body, it sets off this chain reaction.
Eat Fat to Burn Fat
For about 50 years now, Americans have been eating low fat (some no fat) diets and the funny thing is we have gotten progressively fatter and less healthy. Who ever said low fat diets were healthy, and more importantly, why does eating less fat mean you'll be less fat?In attempt to keep this easy to understand, as most of what you read and hear is complicated, confusing, and contradictory, I'm going to be direct, to the point, and explain things in a way that most people can understand.
Milk: The Weight Loss Drug
Lose Weight - Grab A GlassIn childhood, we heard it: Drink a glass of milk at every meal. Now TV commercials are touting the weight-loss effects of milk and other dairy products.
Dash Diet -- Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension (DASH)
Hypertension is another name for high blood pressure. Blood pressure is the force exerted on artery walls when the heart is beating and when it is at rest.
Lose Weight NOW! - The Truth or Consequences Diet?
If you knew when you were going to die, would you really want to know? If you knew when you were going to lose your life, would you do anything different? If you had a choice of living longer or living a better quality of life, which would you choose, longer or better?People say, "if only" they had known they were going to have this happen to me, they would have done things differently. IF ONLY?I had not stressed so much about life.
For Effective Weight Loss - Curb Hunger And Avoid The Binge
Curb Hunger and Avoid The Costly BingeEveryone's been there - you miss a meal or you are getting used to a lower calorie phase of your nutrition plan when the munchies hit. You grab the nearest and quickest food available - usually a high carb snack food - and you chow down.
Fighting Obesity - My Pyramid Dietary Guidelines
If you are fighting the battle of the bulge (overweight and obesity) unsuccessfully, here is good help at hand. You no longer have to depend on unsubstantiated claims and vested commercial weight loss sites for your fight against obesity.
How to Lose Belly Fat: Latest Secrets from the Research Labs, Part 2
Abdominal fat is now seen as a growing health hazard, an indicator and contributor to "Syndrome X," or metabolic syndrome. The risks of metabolic syndrome go far beyond a bulge at your waistline, and include heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes.
Weight Loss Surgery - The Benefits and Financial Cost
Generally, weight loss surgery such as the gastric bypass will cost between $20,000 to $30,000 - the clinics do make substantial profits, which is why some you see advertised offer free chauffeurs and even airplane flights to the city and clinic. As in all lines of 'business', some surgeries will do all it takes to coax you there, within the law of course.
Section Site Map - Submit News - Feedback - Comments - Advertise with Us
Copyright © 2006 Luminati Inc. All rights reserved.