By Alexey Sukachev
On July 2, when the sun here in Moscow is finally shot down by those forces of nature, I’ll turn on my TV set to watch a fight between the long-time terror of the heavyweight division and his brash-talking, ass-whooping heir apparent (or a wannabe of ass-whooping heir apparent as was boldly underlined by Wladimir Klitschko in his recent face off with David Haye, mediated by Max Kellerman) for the unified championship.
In September, Floyd Mayweather will teach Victor Ortiz some valuable manners. Later on Manny Pacquiao is going to crush a smaller aging fighter in Juan Manuel Marquez, while Nonito Donaire will refuse to give a rematch to Vic Darchinyan. It means that somewhere in February, the editorial board of “The Ring” board and its poll of experts will have no other choice [depending on how the fight plays out] but to call Klitschko vs. Haye showdown the Fight of the Year in 2011. You never know though. Those FOTY’s are so damn different from time to time, from one year to another one…
Those false movements, being made by the sun on daily basis, were disguised in early 16th-century by Nicolaus Copernicus. Copernicus is best known as the outstanding astronomer, who became the first one to postulate that it’s the Earth, which circles the sun, and not vice versa, but he was also a great economist. It was said by him (and later confirmed and coined by English court financier Sir Thomas Gresham) that “bad money drives out good money” (if exchange rate is set by law). Therefore we shall rather be exchanging meaningless candy wrappers instead of golden coins.
As a matter of fact, in prizefighting it’s just the same. However, the formal part is exactly the opposite. A long time ago (when my parents weren’t even pre-planned by their parents) those simple thick skinny belts were considered to be riches. Nowadays, belts aren’t made of leather anymore; they are golden, diamond, palladium and whatever other noble material you can imagine, encrusted by images of former greats and modern ABC presidents. Meanwhile, the boxing stagflation has reached its highest point in years, and an assortment of meaningless titles will soon outnumber a poll of active boxers (or even of all boxers). No need to look any further – yours truly has a couple of metal/leather belts in his own backpack.
And here come Klitschko and Haye, and here enters the Fight. We shall have two elite heavyweights colliding for four official titles – WBA, IBF, WBO and IBO – with the unofficial official “The Ring” belt also being at stake. Everything is fun on the surface. With a brief look to take it shines like an Irish gold. It can hardly be any bigger than that. But when you make a deeper look or a snaggy ugly scrape, it’ll be a bit different with a subtle but discernable twist of taste.
Boxing is all about defining the best man in his respective weight class. At least, pugilism was all about it at the start. You always knew: here was the Champion, and here was the Challenger. A smaller number of weight divisions with a single and universally recognized title in each of them. It has got much more sophisticated since then. To become the best nowadays you should either become a crossover superstar or to capture all the belts (or at least all of the meaningful belts) in your weight class. And it is not an easy task to accomplish, you know.
Bernard Hopkins was the first one (and virtually the only one – aside his lucky successor in Jermain Taylor) to get four grand belts (WBC/WBA/WBO/IBF) around his waist in 2004. The same was de facto done by presently retired Welsh great Joe Calzaghe three years later. At no point did he own four belts at once. But he defeated his most appealing rivals (Mikkel Kessler and Jeff Lacy) and he lost his IBF regalia to little-known Columbian Alejandro Berrio only thanks to boxing politics. The same is also true for Kostya Tszyu, who became the first boxer in years to unify the 140lb division when he pancaked Zab Judah in 2011, even though the WBO belt wasn’t his at the time.
Aforementioned B-Hop ventured to the north and to take on real light heavyweight king Antonio Tarver, beat him from pillar to post and wrestled the claim but not the belts, which were lost in political skirmish, when Tarver had decided to battle Glen Johnson, a man who beat the Man.
This is not the case in Klitschko versus Haye. Forget the titles. It’s just not the fight to define the best man in this weight class. And that’s because of Wladimir’s elder (and beloved) brother Vitali, who imposed his frightening will on the WBC part of the puzzle. An old dream of the brothers, which is well-known across the world boxing community, is to hold all the titles in the heavyweight division at the same time. The problem is that with K2 influence and their financial stance it could have been done a much easier way.
Indeed, the younger Bro had three belts (WBO/IBF/IBO) in mid-2008, while Samuel Peter could have been easily negotiated to put his WBC title at stake against Wladimir instead of his meaningless fight with shop-worn Hasim Rahman. If it had been done, we would have been awarded with a quintuple heavyweight champion of the world on July 2. That will never be a case, however.
And that is the problem. It’s all about defining the best, and we shall never know who is better – Wladimir or his steel-chinned elder Brother. Family’s joy is good for them and (partially) for their fans; it’ll be a curse for a number of diehard heavyweight admirers, who struggle to get one father figure in their beloved weight class.
This problem gives the upcoming clash a slight taste of imperfection. Another source of doubt is a feeling that something isn’t for real here. Listen up, kiddos! If someone swears at your dear brother or in any way insults your family, what will you do? You would try to rip the bastard’s head off. It’s natural and you shouldn’t be an arch-vile aggressor to do such things. It’s about human’s nature. In boxing it should have been avenged even more spectacularly. But the times of Larry Holmes running all the way over a parked car to give a double-kick to Trevor Berbick are gone long away…
By wearing those classless shirts with decapitated Klitschkos’ bodies David Haye earned a right to be punished badly and not even inside the ring. But look at Wladimir during his talk in HBO studio. “Wladimir is the Big Fish. He is a fish because of a total absence of any emotions," says my colleague Andrey Bazdrev. “He dares be proud about it, you know. Haye does everything he can to make him weep, cry, laugh, angry but he fails big. We can only see Wladimir’s reaction by looking at his pupils. But his mind isn’t there – left, left, move out – he isn’t thinking about the person in front of him”.
Haye isn’t the best entertainer as well, says Bazdrev. It really looks like fighters are ready to go at it here and now but something makes us doubt about it. The aforementioned animosity, boxer’s feelings, how they walk and talk – all of that kind of stuff indicates that the rivalry isn’t as profound and as deep as it is being advertised. Maybe, this author is totally wrong with his own feelings but that the way lots of people react to this clash ahead. The buzz is here, anticipation follows it in its footsteps but not everybody is convinced. Some go as far as to say that this hatred between two bitter rivals should be rewarded with Academy award rather than with any boxing nomination.
Certainly, a common opinion across Eastern Europe is that the Fight will be the biggest boxing event in modern pugilism, second-to-none, including the Pacquiao vs. Mayweather showdown. It shouldn’t surprise anybody as the Klitschkos are the subject of a rigorous love/hate following in various countries, including Germany, Ukraine and Russia. Little personae can be neutral while speaking (even thinking) about the towering Brothers. Funny enough, both fans and haters of two giant Ukrainians will be well advised to root for Wladimir instead of the flamboyant Brit. Indeed, if you are a fan of the Klitschkos, the answer is obvious. And if you are not, you can try to console yourself over a possible retirement of both Vitaly and Wladimir at the end of this year.
And what are they left to do, if both Haye and Tomasz Adamek are convincingly defeated and all the belts is a family business from now on? After closing the chapter of such a caliber, both brothers shouldn’t be facing bermane stiverns and chauncy wellivers of the world anymore.
So the fight is upon us. Is this a match-up to save boxing, at least in the certain weight class? Who knows? We have been entitled to such definitions several times before but fights, which had been considered really big, mostly failed badly to live up to such enlarged expectations. Mayweather vs. De La Hoya, Klitschko vs. Ibragimov, and Bradley vs. Alexander are just several samples of this case.
A combined knockout percentage of both combatants is simply astonishing – over ninety percents (both wins and losses are counted). But not everyone is sure that the fight will end prematurely.
“I seriously doubt a knockout is possible in a fight between Wladimir and David, even though they are both known for questionable chins and lightning-fast hands with significant heavyweight power. I expect it to be a lengthy chess match, which can only end inside the distance thanks to a sudden mistake of one of the participants”, agrees Bazdrev. He isn’t alone as some of much more recognizable persons expect it to last a long road.
We shouldn’t be reduced to pessimism, however. The fight is really meaningful, and normal fans should expect a firefight between two best heavyweights of the present era. We just hope we shall not be disappointed at the end as it’s a really appealing collision… With a subtle taste of imperfection.
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What shall we drink?
Okay, let’s hope the fight will be just as good as advertised. Some illegal substances will also help watching it, but you need just to choose a correct load of alcoholic beverages to work with so that you won’t be all that drunk before the bell to start the first round.
So, if you root for Klitschkos, please, be sure to get “Nemiroff” with cayenne and (obligatory!) with honey inside. Drink it with salted fat, mashed upon rye bread, or use curds with buckwheat porridge or fried onions instead.
It is said, you cannot root against Klitschkos if you aren’t from Russia. So be it. Take a shot of vodka with salmon and onion – yummy-yummy! A light version of the latter is last year’s Caspian roach with a cheap, water-mixed beer.
Certainly, you can root for Haye. In this case, be sure to prepare some funds for an immediate use at bar. Don’t use Pina Colada as it’s just too soft for you and prepare Cuba Libre for a capital punishment, received by Yuriorkis Gamboa from the hands of Chris John, or vice versa. Ask the bartender to mix you one-third of peach juice, one-third of Baileys and one-third of cream. Make a mixture of the first two ingredients and add cream just after that. Add vodka or rum to taste. Serve this tropical drink with ring card girls. It’s named “David Haye”. Drink it wisely. Don’t forget Sukachev while doing that!