Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Total Points: 95,693,365,913,342.95
Whenever I get a package of plain M&M***8217;s, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the ***8220;loser,***8221; and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&M***8217;s are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&M***8217;s as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, ***8220;Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.***8221;
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&M***8217;s. I consider this ***8220;grant money.***8221; I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.