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#1
Old 11-12-2008, 09:41 AM
Craig D
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Default My 1st Attempt At Writing Stand Up Comedy

I really want advice on how I can improve this. I'm 17 but that doesn't mean I want you to go easy on me, be as brutal as you like when commenting on it.

I'd rather constructive criticism than just criticism but I know how forums work, people like to give smart answers. Hell I know I do.

Anyway on with it:

Well, this is my first time. I remember my other "first time" I was drunk, what was her excuse?

Well this is basically going to be a nice long rant about things that annoy me, because trust me there are a lot of things that annoy me.

So Iíll start with adverts (commercials). Adverts, half the time I don't have a clue what the **** their selling. It can show an ocean with white sandy beaches, and then cut to a mobile/cell phone. I mean what the **** is the relation?

I hate phones their too complicated, my newish phone has all sorts of cool features which enables it to do many amazing things. You have to know what youíre doing to make it do those amazing things though. And I've heard if youíre really good, you can even make phone calls. Oh but an amazing feature is that you can store and play lots of music on it, yeah I can do that on something else thanks, called an ipod.

Thatís something else I hate. Loud music being played by other passengers with their phones on buses. I don't want to hear your **** music thanks very much. What do you think the purpose of earphones is? Have you got them? Then ****ing use them!
I wouldn't mind if it was something I liked, but it's all of this hip hop, Lil Wayne, Lil Wayne? Any artist with Lil in his name is automatically ****; it's a fact of life.

"She, she lick me. Like a lollipop. She, she lick me. Like a lollipop"

Wow, what lyrical genius, do you think that all the good bands like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin, said something like this? "In the future there are going to be artists like Lil Wayne we just can't compete with that genius. Our days as musicians are over"

And then when you ask politely for them to turn if off or at the least down, you get spoken to in what may as well be foreign. "Aye o I tell ya one time, I hope I ain't be tellin' ya like a fazzand times, cos my mate is a bansa and he'll dead ya son. Gawn get facked" His mate is laughing hysterically you can just make out ďYou is a ice cold killa mayneĒ

There were so many of those white middle class rapper wannabes at my old school, I canít say ď*****Ē because itís not politically correct. I thought I was rid of them but I still see the breed on buses. ****ers. Remember at school there were always kids who gave the smartarse answers? That was me, at my school. When you haven't done your homework the obvious thing is to say you did it, and left your book at home because you were rushing in the morning. Well thatís what I did.
"My book is in my house miss, sorry" answer came "Well whatís it doing in your house?" to which I replied. "Well I can't tell at the moment, but I'm sure it's not doing anything, just lying on the table"

A stupid saying that I love is "Take a seatĒ. Take a seat where? I'm not taking it anywhere. Why don't you say sit down, it'll save all the confusion? It must be a screening device I think. Someone applies for a job, they get told to take a seat, if they say something along the lines of "Take it where? They don't get the job.

But employers are just as bad, I applied for a part time job while I was still at school, had to hand in an application form the next day. The same woman that gave me the form the day before asked "Is it filled in?" Well yes I'm not going to hand in a blank application form, I don't want the job but I donít not want it that badly.

But I shouldn't have a go at old people, because thereís nothing like sitting talk to a sweet old lady having a grumble about the buses. "Their never on time, either early or late, people like me struggle to do our shopping as it is, they need to get their fingers out of their ****ing arseholes"

They do have a point though, people just like making life difficult for eacohther. The simple task of going to the shop irritates me at times. I put a load of shopping on the counter, I get stared at for about ten ****ing seconds before they actually do anything, do I do that when I'm giving you your money? Do I wait for ten seconds before putting the money into your out - stretched ****ing hand? Maybe I should next time.
And then they go do you want a bag? When the counter is full. No it's ok; I'll just juggle my shopping down the ****ing street. And then they just put the bag on the counter and watch you pack. Um no thatís your ****ing job mate. People just want to irritate one another I think.

Sales persons are the stupidest creatures to walk this earth. I remember a few years ago. A salesperson knocked the door and asked me if I was the homeowner. Yes, I'm the 16 year old homeowner, still in his school ****ing uniform!

Some people. Absolute idiots.

Thank you for your patience if you read it all (I know it was a bit long)

So what does everyone think? Honestly.
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#2
Old 11-12-2008, 10:26 AM
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very funny.

i'd stick to one subject a bit longer though.

you have to get into a subject more. if you can have more than 1-2 punch lines in a subject it's better. might want to set it up more.

you don't really want to jump from topic to topic every 30 seconds. stick to one topic for a bit. the more jokes you try to make about ONE topic , the better they get and you can pick the good ones.
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#3
Old 11-12-2008, 10:37 AM
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Pretty funny brah. Depends on the tone of your voice, but keep material like that coming and you'll be famous in no time.
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#4
Old 11-12-2008, 10:37 AM
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Not bad, some of it made me chuckle.

Agree with some of what Mr. Pink said, but it's okay to switch subject if it flows nicely, like where you talking about phones and then playing music on them, that flowed nicely into your next little rant about people playing it too loudly on buses.

Keep at it, you will learn yourself what mistakes you are making and improve the more you do it.
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#5
Old 11-12-2008, 10:39 AM
Craig D
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Ok seeing as people don't think it's that terrible I'm going to come clean. I posted this under an alt. My regular username is D_Hook. Bet you didn't see that coming Hurricane did ya eh?
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#6
Old 11-12-2008, 10:42 AM
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Pretty good, Just with practise you'll be able to separate the wheat from the chaff, so all the lines are killer!
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#7
Old 11-12-2008, 10:45 AM
Craig D
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I put this on an actual comedy script forum. The fat yanks tore it apart. Pricks. Like they know whats funny.
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#8
Old 11-12-2008, 10:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Craig D View Post
Ok seeing as people don't think it's that terrible I'm going to come clean. I posted this under an alt. My regular username is D_Hook. Bet you didn't see that coming Hurricane did ya eh?
I suspected an ALT being as it was only your 2nd post. Why come on a boxing forum for advice on comedy writing.

But I never suspected you Hook, nice one mate seriously keep it up if it's something you are serious about.

I wouldn't see a bus if it were coming straight at me at the moment. Got wrecked beyond belief last night at my grandads funeral. 14 hour drinking binge and I'm still pissed now.
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#9
Old 11-12-2008, 10:47 AM
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Bash homosexuals and jews and no fart gags?
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#10
Old 11-12-2008, 10:51 AM
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Good stuff Hook, you seem to have a mature sense of humour for a 17 year old.
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