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#1
Old 10-04-2008, 09:13 PM
squealpiggy
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Default The Bible: A chronological history (part 3)

At last the long awaited sequel to the classic, epic chronological bible series. Part 2 can be found here

Part 3: Sodom, Gomorrah and Incest (oh my)

We left off following the wanton destruction for spurious reasons of the Tower of Babel. There then followed a period of propagation in which a bunch of improbably long-lived people had children until we get to Abram. Abram was sent on a quest of such in which he rescued a chap named Lot from the wrath of a king and then God told him to cut the end of his knob off. I don't invent it, I just write it. I understand that circumcision can help prevent infection but God could have just made man's wingwong so it didn't get infected, no need for a download patch. Does Yahweh work for Microsoft or something?

In any case God then tells him he's going to fuck some **** up, and as you've already seen when God fucks **** up it stays fucked up. The place is the twin towns of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Abram (who is now called Abraham - the Bible is full of these; when Gerry Dawsey changed his name he became Englebert Humperdink. Elton John used to be called Reginald Dwight. When God changes people's names he just changes a letter or adds a syllable which is just lazy if you ask me. I bet Abram always wanted to be called Maverick or Ace or something) then begs God not to wreck these towns because Abraham has a conscience, something which the all loving Almighty does not. God says "Yo homes if there's one homey who isn't all bad then I won't wreck the town...". I'm paraphrasing. Abraham finds out that there is such a righteous fellow, the aforementioned Lot. But before I go into details, let me explain the awful evil that went on in Sodom and Gomorrah.

Sodom and Gomorrah were evil places. Their sin is apparently grievous. They did many wicked (albeit unspecified) things that it was a crime to even countenance not destroying them. The depth of their depravity was despicable and appalling and... well, unspecified. One thing we know for sure went on was gayness. Lots of gayness. And God sure hates gayness.

So God sends his two angels to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, disguised as hot dudes. Lot invites them to stay over for the night and is quite insistent so they go to room with Lot, his wife and his two daughters. That night, attracted no doubt by the dishness off these two visitors, a horny mob of homosexuals surrounded the house and demanded Lot hand over the visitors for a ruddy good seeing-to. Lot refused, and went as far as to offer his virgin daughters to the crowd to be gang raped. He offered his daughters to the crowd to be gang raped. I'm going to repeat it one more time in case you didn't get it, he OFFERED HIS DAUGHTERS TO A CROWD OF HORNY MEN TO BE GANG RAPED. After this righteous and noble gesture the angels blinded the mob using their magic powers and then told Lot, his wife and his now likely very fucking messed up daughters to leave town and not to look back. So they leave town, the angels burn that **** up and Lot's wife looks back (because her friends and neighbours are being fried to all hell by angels, that'll learn the Joneses for not giving back the fucking hedge trimmer in time!) and is turned into a pillar of salt. Why salt? Fucked if I know.

So with Sodom and Gomorrah a smoking ruin Lot and his two daughters camp out in a cave. Realising that their father was old and that there was no other **** to be found for miles around them the daughters hatched a plan. Night one they get daddy drunk. Then one of them fucks him. Then the next night they get him drunk again and the other one fucks him. It's right there in the bible, Genesis 19:30-38, the most righteous guy in two towns gets drunk and then bangs both his daughters on consecutive nights! Maybe it was right to destroy those towns...

So leaving the adventures of Lot, his two daughters, his grandsons (who were also his sons) and his daughters brothers (who were also their sons too) we go back to Abraham as though none of this fucked up **** even happened.

Abraham's wife Sarah then has a baby Isaac. Sarah was getting on a bit so it was a miracle of sorts. Abraham had also knocked up the slave so the wife was a bit jealous. Ya think!? So Sarah kicks the slave out along with her stepchild Ishmael (it's like the Young and the Restless isn't it?) and apparently they live happily ever after. We may get to see those characters again later, the bible is sort of like that.

So his legitimate son Isaac grew older and God said to Abraham "Take Isaac up a mountain, kill him and burn his body, to make me happy". Naturally knowing all about what happens to people who don't make God happy up the mountain he goes. He ties up Isaac and is just about to kill him when Ashton Kutcher comes running out of the wings telling Abraham that he's been PUNK'D! Abraham said "Ah you ****, I can't believe you **** **** **** I can believe you did this, oh man, I nearly ****ing, oh man, Sarah, were you in on this? God, **** you man, oh hahaha I'm ****ing getting you back Ashton, **** man, I nearly ****ing stabbed my own ****ing son, oh man that is rad".

Only in Hebrew.

Squealpiggy: Reading the bible so you don't have to.

Last edited by squealpiggy; 10-04-2008 at 10:13 PM..
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#2
Old 10-04-2008, 11:55 PM
Mech.
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you need some green stuff.
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#3
Old 10-05-2008, 01:30 AM
Sin City
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squealpiggy.. u be writing some great stuff! very under appreciated!
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#4
Old 10-05-2008, 01:44 AM
Sin City
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mech. View Post
you need some green stuff.
I need some green stuff
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Old 10-05-2008, 02:27 AM
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Damn those horny homosexuals.
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Old 10-05-2008, 03:41 AM
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I want to read this evey sunday morning. I havent been to church for years.
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#7
Old 10-05-2008, 03:57 PM
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I don't think I'll be writing every saturday night but it could work out well to do it. Impress your pastor! Tell him why Onan was really spilling his seed.
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