I thought I'd start a very occasional series where I rewatch a fight and tell you bastards all about it. Here's what I thought of this barnburner....
Joe "Slapsie" Calzaghe had ruled the world, with his effortless charisma and imitable catchphrase "listen... at the end of the day.... listen." He'd also been a long-reigning world champion who had fought the best out there, including Rick Thornberry, Tyler Hughes and David Starie.
Meanwhile, his opponent Bernard "The Excitement Executioner" Hopkins had a highlight reel that made the Normandy D-Day Landings look like drying paint. Fans knew they were in for a bout of unparalleled entertainment, the like not seen since Wlad Klitschko had stepped into Madison Square Garden.
Let's look back...
ROUND ONE:
In a way Slapsie was slow to react here, because of the (ISTR) five times he was KD'd, this one is by far the least effective. It's a flash KD, and largely caused by a push. He could have held on to Bore Hard there and stopped himself going down. He does seem quite naive here, almost overeager to deliver his slaps and not realising that he's going to have to take a headbutt or two to get them off. What's especially notable is just how biased Max Keller**** is against Slapsie. He can't wait to give a "Euro bum" speech every time he opens his mouth. Sorry, I mean eURo BUm.
10-8 Slopkins.
ROUND TWO:
Jim gives us a compubox recount of the first round here, revealing that Hopkins landed four punches. That's a high output for him, ain't it? He starts this one with a Mad Skillz clinch, and it's downhill from there. He looks much stronger, his punches look sharper, and it looks like the fight is going exactly the way he wants it to. Unfortunately, the way he wants the fight to go is two and half minutes of clinching, fifteen seconds of nut shots and fifteen seconds of headbutts. It's fucking awful tbh, and at least Slapsie is trying to get some slaps off. I don't really like giving it Joe given that he's done **** all, but Jesus Christ this is a Hopkinated round. I'll score it even - them both losing a point for being ****s - and we'll see where we are at the end. One notable thing though is that Slapsie is already adjusting to the Hopkination, and the pace of the fight is increasing. Thinking about it, maybe it IS a Slapsie round.
Perhaps most notable is the bit where Hopkins *****es to Cortez about a low blow, despite landing fifty of his own beforehand. If there's one thing worse than a dirty fighter, it's a dirty fighter that doesn't like it back. Particularly when they make themselves look like a baby ****ting in a nappy (diaper, Fat Yanks) over it. I don't necessarily go in with the NSB Green Teefian "Cortez is a ****" theory, but it's funny how Mr. "remember - I'm unfair and I'm infirm" says to Joe "Hey, watch it now - he can headbutt you all night and I'll say **** all, but foul back and it's a point." Note also how Manny Steward pronounces Slapsie's surname in the correct way, whereas Jim "Mom's Apple Pie" Lampley has to call him "Calzacky", in that typical "make up a way to pronounce stuff" that all Fat Yanks like to do. It's the nation that would have you believe that a certain Eastern religion is based around Booooo-Da. Fat ****ing Yanks.
9-9
ROUND THREE:
Although I appreciate it's "hit and not get hit", Hopkins does seem to want to avoid all contact with Slapsie, as if his slaps have more on them than you'd expect. That said, he knows the deal - Slapsie can generate a high volume of slaps, so can easily outpoint foes. One thing that shouldn't be underestimated in this fight is the work of the two trainers. Just think how great Muhammad Ali could have been if he'd heard "muh muh muh muhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh muhhhhhhhhhhhhh muhhhhhhhhhhh" or "FOR FACK'S SAKE YOU FACKING FACKER! WHAT THE FACKING FACK ARE YOU FACKING DOING? ARE YOU FACKING LISTEN FOR FACK'S SAKE?"
Slapsie does still look out of his depth here, not sure to do with a guy who doesn't want to box, but wants to grapple and headbutt. All of the really effective punches are coming from Bore Hard. One thing though - that semi-famous "deception" video, where it shows all the reasons why Bore Hard didn't really lose. One of the reasons given is the crowd influencing the judges by roaring every time Slapsie throws a slap, whether it lands or not. That's not the crowd mistakenly believing that Slapsie is landing... it's just their excitement at the possibility of a fight breaking out. Thankfully Hopkins is on hand to ensure one never does.
I can see how some might score this round to Slapsie, but I'm gonna score it to Bore Hard for effectiveness. Sure, Hopkins's idea of boxing is like getting a baby a Christening card smeared in dog **** with the words "I wish your parents had had an abortion" written on it. It's messy, it's ugly, and it pleases no fucker. But it gets the point across.
10-9 Bore Hard.
ROUND FOUR:
This one starts with a signature Slapsie move - the rear slap - and Cortez, seemingly having as much fun as the viewers, offers to disqualify either of them. You know when the fight isn't even a third in and the referee's threatening to throw either boxer out for being dog **** then you've got a good one. It's so ****ing tedious it's like watching a Wlad Klitschko highlight reel. I give this one again to Hopkins, just for accurate punches scored. It's also hard to give Calzaghe (sorry, Calzacky) rounds, given that his are just such light slaps, and Hopkins is cracking him at this stage. I bet -Kev- is pleased with my scoring so far.
10-9 Bore Hard.
ROUND FIVE:
Max Keller**** makes the observation here that when Calzaghe stands in front of an opponent with his hands down it generally means he feels "comfortable". One can only assume that other Keller**** insights include "when I see a man with his dick out in front of a urinal, it generally means he's going to take a piss", "when I see snow falling from the sky it generally means it's going to get cold", and "when I see James Butler walking down the street I'd better check my tool shed and see if anything's missing." Later the **** brings in Jersey Joe Walcott - sorry, JERsey JOE walCOTT - for no reason whatsoever. He's such a boggle-eyed fanboy it's untrue.
This is a far, far better Slapsie round. Hopkins is looking less active (if such a thing is humanly possible... I guess even sloths have to sleep, right?) and off balance. Meanwhile, Slapsie is getting the moving and slaps going. Although Hopkins comes back towards the end, it's a clear Slapsie round for a change, with some eye-catching slaps. Hopkins' "one right hand a minute" can't really compete with a slapathon, and it doesn't.
10-9 Slapsie.
ROUND SIX:
Revealed is that power shots were close, just one in it. "Calzaghe gave his fans something to sing about that round apparently, Jim," says Keller****. Jesus, he is SO ****ing biased in this commentary it pisses me off. The **** cannot disguise his anti-Slap agenda at all, can he? I remember the post-Roid bout, and he's like "So... JOE, why ARE you SUCH a ****?"
What about Lampley? "Cortez throws Calzacky to the floor, pulling him off." Let's face it, seeing Cortez getting fair but firm with Little Joe would have been far preferable to watching this bout, though it does, ironically, sum up this round... it's a pile of wank. What's hilarious is NSB fanboys (at least once a week) arguing as to who won this fight. Such an argument implies that a fight actually happened. This one is, I think, edged by Bore Hard, but I give it a 9-9 "they're both utter ****s" score. ****ing awful.
9-9
So at the halfway point, and I've got it:
59-54 Hopkins
OR
58-55 Hopkins
OR
57-56 Hopkins
But, as ever, the real loser is whoever watches this crap.
Joe "Slapsie" Calzaghe had ruled the world, with his effortless charisma and imitable catchphrase "listen... at the end of the day.... listen." He'd also been a long-reigning world champion who had fought the best out there, including Rick Thornberry, Tyler Hughes and David Starie.
Meanwhile, his opponent Bernard "The Excitement Executioner" Hopkins had a highlight reel that made the Normandy D-Day Landings look like drying paint. Fans knew they were in for a bout of unparalleled entertainment, the like not seen since Wlad Klitschko had stepped into Madison Square Garden.
Let's look back...
ROUND ONE:
In a way Slapsie was slow to react here, because of the (ISTR) five times he was KD'd, this one is by far the least effective. It's a flash KD, and largely caused by a push. He could have held on to Bore Hard there and stopped himself going down. He does seem quite naive here, almost overeager to deliver his slaps and not realising that he's going to have to take a headbutt or two to get them off. What's especially notable is just how biased Max Keller**** is against Slapsie. He can't wait to give a "Euro bum" speech every time he opens his mouth. Sorry, I mean eURo BUm.
10-8 Slopkins.
ROUND TWO:
Jim gives us a compubox recount of the first round here, revealing that Hopkins landed four punches. That's a high output for him, ain't it? He starts this one with a Mad Skillz clinch, and it's downhill from there. He looks much stronger, his punches look sharper, and it looks like the fight is going exactly the way he wants it to. Unfortunately, the way he wants the fight to go is two and half minutes of clinching, fifteen seconds of nut shots and fifteen seconds of headbutts. It's fucking awful tbh, and at least Slapsie is trying to get some slaps off. I don't really like giving it Joe given that he's done **** all, but Jesus Christ this is a Hopkinated round. I'll score it even - them both losing a point for being ****s - and we'll see where we are at the end. One notable thing though is that Slapsie is already adjusting to the Hopkination, and the pace of the fight is increasing. Thinking about it, maybe it IS a Slapsie round.
Perhaps most notable is the bit where Hopkins *****es to Cortez about a low blow, despite landing fifty of his own beforehand. If there's one thing worse than a dirty fighter, it's a dirty fighter that doesn't like it back. Particularly when they make themselves look like a baby ****ting in a nappy (diaper, Fat Yanks) over it. I don't necessarily go in with the NSB Green Teefian "Cortez is a ****" theory, but it's funny how Mr. "remember - I'm unfair and I'm infirm" says to Joe "Hey, watch it now - he can headbutt you all night and I'll say **** all, but foul back and it's a point." Note also how Manny Steward pronounces Slapsie's surname in the correct way, whereas Jim "Mom's Apple Pie" Lampley has to call him "Calzacky", in that typical "make up a way to pronounce stuff" that all Fat Yanks like to do. It's the nation that would have you believe that a certain Eastern religion is based around Booooo-Da. Fat ****ing Yanks.
9-9
ROUND THREE:
Although I appreciate it's "hit and not get hit", Hopkins does seem to want to avoid all contact with Slapsie, as if his slaps have more on them than you'd expect. That said, he knows the deal - Slapsie can generate a high volume of slaps, so can easily outpoint foes. One thing that shouldn't be underestimated in this fight is the work of the two trainers. Just think how great Muhammad Ali could have been if he'd heard "muh muh muh muhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh muhhhhhhhhhhhhh muhhhhhhhhhhh" or "FOR FACK'S SAKE YOU FACKING FACKER! WHAT THE FACKING FACK ARE YOU FACKING DOING? ARE YOU FACKING LISTEN FOR FACK'S SAKE?"
Slapsie does still look out of his depth here, not sure to do with a guy who doesn't want to box, but wants to grapple and headbutt. All of the really effective punches are coming from Bore Hard. One thing though - that semi-famous "deception" video, where it shows all the reasons why Bore Hard didn't really lose. One of the reasons given is the crowd influencing the judges by roaring every time Slapsie throws a slap, whether it lands or not. That's not the crowd mistakenly believing that Slapsie is landing... it's just their excitement at the possibility of a fight breaking out. Thankfully Hopkins is on hand to ensure one never does.
I can see how some might score this round to Slapsie, but I'm gonna score it to Bore Hard for effectiveness. Sure, Hopkins's idea of boxing is like getting a baby a Christening card smeared in dog **** with the words "I wish your parents had had an abortion" written on it. It's messy, it's ugly, and it pleases no fucker. But it gets the point across.
10-9 Bore Hard.
ROUND FOUR:
This one starts with a signature Slapsie move - the rear slap - and Cortez, seemingly having as much fun as the viewers, offers to disqualify either of them. You know when the fight isn't even a third in and the referee's threatening to throw either boxer out for being dog **** then you've got a good one. It's so ****ing tedious it's like watching a Wlad Klitschko highlight reel. I give this one again to Hopkins, just for accurate punches scored. It's also hard to give Calzaghe (sorry, Calzacky) rounds, given that his are just such light slaps, and Hopkins is cracking him at this stage. I bet -Kev- is pleased with my scoring so far.
10-9 Bore Hard.
ROUND FIVE:
Max Keller**** makes the observation here that when Calzaghe stands in front of an opponent with his hands down it generally means he feels "comfortable". One can only assume that other Keller**** insights include "when I see a man with his dick out in front of a urinal, it generally means he's going to take a piss", "when I see snow falling from the sky it generally means it's going to get cold", and "when I see James Butler walking down the street I'd better check my tool shed and see if anything's missing." Later the **** brings in Jersey Joe Walcott - sorry, JERsey JOE walCOTT - for no reason whatsoever. He's such a boggle-eyed fanboy it's untrue.
This is a far, far better Slapsie round. Hopkins is looking less active (if such a thing is humanly possible... I guess even sloths have to sleep, right?) and off balance. Meanwhile, Slapsie is getting the moving and slaps going. Although Hopkins comes back towards the end, it's a clear Slapsie round for a change, with some eye-catching slaps. Hopkins' "one right hand a minute" can't really compete with a slapathon, and it doesn't.
10-9 Slapsie.
ROUND SIX:
Revealed is that power shots were close, just one in it. "Calzaghe gave his fans something to sing about that round apparently, Jim," says Keller****. Jesus, he is SO ****ing biased in this commentary it pisses me off. The **** cannot disguise his anti-Slap agenda at all, can he? I remember the post-Roid bout, and he's like "So... JOE, why ARE you SUCH a ****?"
What about Lampley? "Cortez throws Calzacky to the floor, pulling him off." Let's face it, seeing Cortez getting fair but firm with Little Joe would have been far preferable to watching this bout, though it does, ironically, sum up this round... it's a pile of wank. What's hilarious is NSB fanboys (at least once a week) arguing as to who won this fight. Such an argument implies that a fight actually happened. This one is, I think, edged by Bore Hard, but I give it a 9-9 "they're both utter ****s" score. ****ing awful.
9-9
So at the halfway point, and I've got it:
59-54 Hopkins
OR
58-55 Hopkins
OR
57-56 Hopkins
But, as ever, the real loser is whoever watches this crap.
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