[LMAO!] Let us (at least try to) laugh thread

[led]

KEEP THE CHANGE

An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.

"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."

"How much?" asks the old timer.

"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.

"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."

The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.

"I know," says the old man: "The extra $100 is from your grandma!"

[led]

Husband's calling

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.

"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."

Wife's calling

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...

Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"

Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."

[led]

Post-Fappening Scenario

[led]

Women in heaven

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:
1st woman I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible.
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive


Men in heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"One time," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Four or five," admits the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty, old, Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?" He says.
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."

[UTEP]

With all those nude photos of Ms. Lawrence, she will have to bury her face between her ****.. or Kate Upton's. Can we see a photo of that?


Edward Snowden blamed for leaked Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton nudes. US Government to drop all previous charges.

[led]

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I***8217;m thinking, okay, here***8217;s a gal who***8217;s capable of making a decision she***8217;ll regret in the future. --Richard Jeni

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. - -Jackie Mason


Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" - - Steven Wright

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" --Rodney Dangerfield

They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. - - Bob Hope/Gene Perret

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn***8217;t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. --David Brenner

[led]

Lost Credit card

A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."

"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"

"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!"

More Beer

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

Working in the Garden

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

[lebrick]

More Beer

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

i bet that guy isn't asian..

[lebrick]

and FYI led, mayweather won't be laughing on any of this..

[-MEGA-]

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.