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There's this hideous fat broad my friend and I grew up with. She was always super shy and smelled like body odor, so not even the desperate guys wanted to hit it. Being totally exiled from anybody with standards, she was forced to hang out with the AV club nerds who had a 'DEVO' cover band because it was as close to a vagina as they were likely to ever get.
Anyway, she finally found some really nice guy and they started dating. This dude was like a ****ing saint, he dated this ugly she-beast for like 10 years and genuinely loved her even though she was a total CHUD. Then she dumps the guy out of the blue, used the motivation from doing that to lose a bunch of weight because she realized nobody would want her obese stanky ass unless she did, and landed a job as a cam slut over at myfreecams where she sticks gourds up her ass in video chat for pennies.
Around the same time, my boy was finishing up graduate school and really setting himself up to be a success in life. I was in a dry spell, so I thought I'd have a run at the slag because her self-esteem was so ****ing low that I knew there was no way in hell she'd turn me down. My friend tried talking me out of it because he was certain she had herpes, but when I promised him I'd wear 6 condoms he gave me the go-ahead.
Long story short, I didn't **** her. I got close, but her minge literally had a colony of mites living in it. **** was abysmal and I ended up puking, grabbing my car keys, and bolting for the door.
Shortly thereafter this disgusting jiggly b*tch lands herself another suitor. He was blind and had his nose burnt off in a housefire during childhood, so not only could he not see her, but he couldn't smell her either. He fell head over heels in love with her and was totally oblivious to the fact that she was blowing guys down at the local trainyard for a dollar a piece just to get extra money for her 'Twinkie' budget. It was pathetic.
A few months later, she just suddenly leaves this guy too and moves back in with her dad. Rumor has it she's ****ing her dad but there's no real proof of that, but given her history, I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway, now my boy is hanging out with this ****ing krakken! He's barhopping and making out with her all over town, I know because anytime she leaves her house people take pictures of her and upload them to cryptozoology websites thinking they've found the chupacabra.
The other day he asked me what I thought of them seeing each other and I kept it real with him. I was like "Look dude, that b*tch is no god for you. I don't like being around her because I've smelled roadkill that was more pleasant. Like, she literally makes my eyes water, bro. You're wasting your time anyway because yet-to-be-discovered bacteria have built colonies inside of her assh*le."
For some reason he got super offended and accused me of being "salty." We haven't spoken since.
What do I do, guys? This is my boy we're talking about here. I've known him my whole life and I'd do anything to protect him but he's setting himself up for disappointment. He's about to flush his whole life down the drain for this vile slag that we constantly used to rag on in high school when we weren't busy finger-banging actual human beings.
Anyway, she finally found some really nice guy and they started dating. This dude was like a ****ing saint, he dated this ugly she-beast for like 10 years and genuinely loved her even though she was a total CHUD. Then she dumps the guy out of the blue, used the motivation from doing that to lose a bunch of weight because she realized nobody would want her obese stanky ass unless she did, and landed a job as a cam slut over at myfreecams where she sticks gourds up her ass in video chat for pennies.
Around the same time, my boy was finishing up graduate school and really setting himself up to be a success in life. I was in a dry spell, so I thought I'd have a run at the slag because her self-esteem was so ****ing low that I knew there was no way in hell she'd turn me down. My friend tried talking me out of it because he was certain she had herpes, but when I promised him I'd wear 6 condoms he gave me the go-ahead.
Long story short, I didn't **** her. I got close, but her minge literally had a colony of mites living in it. **** was abysmal and I ended up puking, grabbing my car keys, and bolting for the door.
Shortly thereafter this disgusting jiggly b*tch lands herself another suitor. He was blind and had his nose burnt off in a housefire during childhood, so not only could he not see her, but he couldn't smell her either. He fell head over heels in love with her and was totally oblivious to the fact that she was blowing guys down at the local trainyard for a dollar a piece just to get extra money for her 'Twinkie' budget. It was pathetic.
A few months later, she just suddenly leaves this guy too and moves back in with her dad. Rumor has it she's ****ing her dad but there's no real proof of that, but given her history, I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway, now my boy is hanging out with this ****ing krakken! He's barhopping and making out with her all over town, I know because anytime she leaves her house people take pictures of her and upload them to cryptozoology websites thinking they've found the chupacabra.
The other day he asked me what I thought of them seeing each other and I kept it real with him. I was like "Look dude, that b*tch is no god for you. I don't like being around her because I've smelled roadkill that was more pleasant. Like, she literally makes my eyes water, bro. You're wasting your time anyway because yet-to-be-discovered bacteria have built colonies inside of her assh*le."
For some reason he got super offended and accused me of being "salty." We haven't spoken since.
What do I do, guys? This is my boy we're talking about here. I've known him my whole life and I'd do anything to protect him but he's setting himself up for disappointment. He's about to flush his whole life down the drain for this vile slag that we constantly used to rag on in high school when we weren't busy finger-banging actual human beings.
Too funny
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