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Spending hours propped up on bar stools, consuming pint after pint of highly-caloric craft beer, admittedly endangers my svelte figure.
But I've come up with a fitness regimen that keeps my BMI well below "morbidly obese" and keeps my bellybutton pointing parallel to the ground. Dr. Oz might not approve, but who'd want to drink with that guy anyway? His name is fukin OZ for fuksake....
1. Only drink on days you work out
...in other words, work out every single day.
Seriously, though, you shouldn't think of exercise as something you do to burn off beer -- think of it as something you do to clear space for beer. After a one-mile run (120 calories burned), you've just made room for a crummy light beer. Forty-five minutes of swimming (550 calories) and you can now have a few hearty stouts. After two hours of triathlon training, just keep pedaling that bike to the local pub.
Still need convincing? European scientists say a post-workout beer is better than water. Honest.
2. Sit-ups are worthless
A lot of beer drinkers focus on their core at the gym, thinking that's where most of the carbohydrates are headed. In reality, most beer drinkers don't have a "core," and sit-ups won't change that. Instead, work your midsection through highly efficient squats, which actually knock off some of that jiggly belly. They're doubly great because, if you're in the bar industry, you probably have to squat and lift 100-lb. kegs on a daily basis.
3. Sex counts
Don't you dare use this as a pickup line, but sex burns around 100 calories per hour. Of course, you're probably not lasting that long, but there's no harm in trying to find a workout partner between sips of those tasty IPAs. I'd recommend Deucars IPA fuk loadsa cals, more excuse to smash for looooong time.
4. Liquid carbs only
Grain-free "caveman" diets are hugely popular right now, and that's because they work. Stick to proteins and veggies, though I prefer to tweak the paleolithic diet by making it paleoholic. Skip solid carbs to only indulge in liquid ones; bread won't get you buzzed.
5. Eat before you drink
It may be easy to exist solely on kale and grilled chicken when you're sober, but the second you start drinking, that bar sampler of buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks and fried calamari is going to look mighty tasty. So will a late-night pizza or burger on your way home. So fill up your stomach before entering the pub, because you'll never have a hankering for salad at 3 a.m.
I'm drawing some good pictures to show you, i will also reveal how you can lose weight and improve your skin without doing fuk all, its insane, i'm just proof reading it.
Keep jabbing to the butt guise.....
But I've come up with a fitness regimen that keeps my BMI well below "morbidly obese" and keeps my bellybutton pointing parallel to the ground. Dr. Oz might not approve, but who'd want to drink with that guy anyway? His name is fukin OZ for fuksake....
1. Only drink on days you work out
...in other words, work out every single day.
Seriously, though, you shouldn't think of exercise as something you do to burn off beer -- think of it as something you do to clear space for beer. After a one-mile run (120 calories burned), you've just made room for a crummy light beer. Forty-five minutes of swimming (550 calories) and you can now have a few hearty stouts. After two hours of triathlon training, just keep pedaling that bike to the local pub.
Still need convincing? European scientists say a post-workout beer is better than water. Honest.
2. Sit-ups are worthless
A lot of beer drinkers focus on their core at the gym, thinking that's where most of the carbohydrates are headed. In reality, most beer drinkers don't have a "core," and sit-ups won't change that. Instead, work your midsection through highly efficient squats, which actually knock off some of that jiggly belly. They're doubly great because, if you're in the bar industry, you probably have to squat and lift 100-lb. kegs on a daily basis.
3. Sex counts
Don't you dare use this as a pickup line, but sex burns around 100 calories per hour. Of course, you're probably not lasting that long, but there's no harm in trying to find a workout partner between sips of those tasty IPAs. I'd recommend Deucars IPA fuk loadsa cals, more excuse to smash for looooong time.
4. Liquid carbs only
Grain-free "caveman" diets are hugely popular right now, and that's because they work. Stick to proteins and veggies, though I prefer to tweak the paleolithic diet by making it paleoholic. Skip solid carbs to only indulge in liquid ones; bread won't get you buzzed.
5. Eat before you drink
It may be easy to exist solely on kale and grilled chicken when you're sober, but the second you start drinking, that bar sampler of buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks and fried calamari is going to look mighty tasty. So will a late-night pizza or burger on your way home. So fill up your stomach before entering the pub, because you'll never have a hankering for salad at 3 a.m.
I'm drawing some good pictures to show you, i will also reveal how you can lose weight and improve your skin without doing fuk all, its insane, i'm just proof reading it.
Keep jabbing to the butt guise.....
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