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Continuing my award winning series where I make sense of the bible and turn it into a chronological account of the history of the world. You can read part one here.
Squealpiggy: Reading the bible so you don't have to!
Part 2: A series of colossal beatdowns
So nine generations from the dawn of time we come to a guy called Noah. Noah is told by God that he has to build a great big ****ing boat. The reason is that God is mightily pissed off for some unspecified reason and wants to murder everyone and every thing in the world. Apart from among other things fish, whales, shrimps, sea urchins and, you know, anything that floats like a duck or whatever. So Noah who is apparently blameless gets to take his missus and his three sons and their missusses onto the big ****ing boat along with either two of everything, one male and one female, or seven of every "clean" animal and two of every "unclean" animal. This last point must have caused some confusion because the rules about clean and unclean animals weren't set until the time of moses which was by all account a seriously ****ing long way into the future.
In any case God made it rain so much that the entire planet was covered in water thus killing everything on earth apart from the aforementioned exceptions both official and unofficial. The interesting thing about the flood is that obviously the dinosaurs were too busy smokin up to make it onto the boat, along with the unicorns and stuff. But even the swimming prehistoric reptiles like plesiosaurs and ichtyosaurus seemed to have drowned. However designed those ****ers really messed up!
Also I don't get it, did he take a pair of wasps on board? Bees? Ants? ****ing termites!? On a wooden boat? Seriously WTF.
So it rained for forty days and forty nights and filled up the earth and the flood stayed on the surface of the earth for 150 days before it began to subside, Noah found this out by letting a dove out who flew off and returned with an olive branch. Yes, that's right, an olive tree managed to survive a global flood lasting half a year. So Noah let the animals out and got hammered drunk. As you do.
Incidentally yes, the water disappeared. But so what? God made it disappear. David Copperfield made the statue of Liberty disappear and God is a well better magician than David Copperfield.
Following the flood Noah's three sons fathered the entire known human race. They were called Shem, Ham and Japeth. Ham was the son of Canaan and his offspring were designated eternal slaves by God. Eternal slaves, fancy that. I hope nobody kills a whole bunch of them for spurious reasons later.
So the offspring of Noah start to multiply and say to themselves "Hey, why don;t we build a big ol tower?". So the people of the world get together and make a huge tower called Babel, it's the sort of joint venture that says "peace and goodwill" all over it. Naturally this pisses God off. He's tetchy and they didn't get planning permission. So God smashes the tower to bits, scatters the people all over the world, gives them all separate languages and basically set the groundwork for thousands of years of warfare, suffering and toil. WAY TO GO!
Stay tuned for the next episode in which the most righteous man in two sinful cities ends up ****ing both of his daughters!
Squealpiggy: Reading the bible so you don't have to!
Part 2: A series of colossal beatdowns
So nine generations from the dawn of time we come to a guy called Noah. Noah is told by God that he has to build a great big ****ing boat. The reason is that God is mightily pissed off for some unspecified reason and wants to murder everyone and every thing in the world. Apart from among other things fish, whales, shrimps, sea urchins and, you know, anything that floats like a duck or whatever. So Noah who is apparently blameless gets to take his missus and his three sons and their missusses onto the big ****ing boat along with either two of everything, one male and one female, or seven of every "clean" animal and two of every "unclean" animal. This last point must have caused some confusion because the rules about clean and unclean animals weren't set until the time of moses which was by all account a seriously ****ing long way into the future.
In any case God made it rain so much that the entire planet was covered in water thus killing everything on earth apart from the aforementioned exceptions both official and unofficial. The interesting thing about the flood is that obviously the dinosaurs were too busy smokin up to make it onto the boat, along with the unicorns and stuff. But even the swimming prehistoric reptiles like plesiosaurs and ichtyosaurus seemed to have drowned. However designed those ****ers really messed up!
Also I don't get it, did he take a pair of wasps on board? Bees? Ants? ****ing termites!? On a wooden boat? Seriously WTF.
So it rained for forty days and forty nights and filled up the earth and the flood stayed on the surface of the earth for 150 days before it began to subside, Noah found this out by letting a dove out who flew off and returned with an olive branch. Yes, that's right, an olive tree managed to survive a global flood lasting half a year. So Noah let the animals out and got hammered drunk. As you do.
Incidentally yes, the water disappeared. But so what? God made it disappear. David Copperfield made the statue of Liberty disappear and God is a well better magician than David Copperfield.
Following the flood Noah's three sons fathered the entire known human race. They were called Shem, Ham and Japeth. Ham was the son of Canaan and his offspring were designated eternal slaves by God. Eternal slaves, fancy that. I hope nobody kills a whole bunch of them for spurious reasons later.
So the offspring of Noah start to multiply and say to themselves "Hey, why don;t we build a big ol tower?". So the people of the world get together and make a huge tower called Babel, it's the sort of joint venture that says "peace and goodwill" all over it. Naturally this pisses God off. He's tetchy and they didn't get planning permission. So God smashes the tower to bits, scatters the people all over the world, gives them all separate languages and basically set the groundwork for thousands of years of warfare, suffering and toil. WAY TO GO!
Stay tuned for the next episode in which the most righteous man in two sinful cities ends up ****ing both of his daughters!
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