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#1
Old 05-29-2009, 05:59 PM
Hitman932
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Default Chagaev To Fight Tommy Morrison in a HIV/HEP Unification Bout

Gaaalojaag, Finland May 29,2009


Word is out that on the heels of the cancellation of the Heavyweight Championship match between Nicolai Valuev and Ruslan Chagaev that German promotion company Universum has made quick moves to attain a new opponent for Chagaev so that the card may go on as planned.

Apparently American fighter and AIDS magnate Tommy Morrison has been offered the fight and is waiting to fail his medical tests before a deal can be finalized.

Universum's Gerhard Shnitzelbeim confirmed this is an interview a few moments ago saying that "Chagaev has a touch of Hepatitis and Morrison, as we all know, has a few teaspoons of AIDS. This fight allows us to bring two potentially fatal diseases together in a boxing ring for the first time."

Shnitzelbeim went on to say that if the Finnish authorities insist on having healthy fighters they will take the fight back to Germany where there are no rules.

"Morrison and Chagaev are big names no matter where we go. We intend to unify these diseases into a super title and no shark brained Scandinavians are going to stop us."

Morrison for his part is ready and raring to go, "What the hell do I have to lose? My disease is gonna kill me first anyway."

Chagaev was a little more hesitant saying "I was hoping just to make Valuev sick without any further risk to myself but the opportunity to fight for the Heavyweight Title of AIDS isn't something I can pass up in my severely jaundiced state."

The only hangup so far is that when announced all tickets in the first 8 rows were immediately returned which cause a severe drop in gate revenue.

One Finnish Fan, Jaaaaraogaiii Haapziilljaj, who had waited 10 hours for his front row ticket said simply, "If I want AIDS I will go f*ck a Russian prostitute".

Stay tuned for updates as this superfight awaits final approval.
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#2
Old 05-29-2009, 06:03 PM
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#3
Old 05-29-2009, 06:06 PM
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I think Morrison wins this by the mid rounds, when Chag drops dead.
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#4
Old 05-29-2009, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by K-Nan View Post
I think Morrison wins this by the mid rounds, when Chag drops dead.

There will be no medical personnel on site and no ambulances made available.

If one guy dies they are planning a secret trap door in the ring which will drop the loser down 40 feet into a makeshift grave.
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#5
Old 05-29-2009, 06:09 PM
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#6
Old 05-29-2009, 06:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hitman932 View Post
Gaaalojaag, Finland May 29,2009


Word is out that on the heels of the cancellation of the Heavyweight Championship match between Nicolai Valuev and Ruslan Chagaev that German promotion company Universum has made quick moves to attain a new opponent for Chagaev so that the card may go on as planned.

Apparently American fighter and AIDS magnate Tommy Morrison has been offered the fight and is waiting to fail his medical tests before a deal can be finalized.

Universum's Gerhard Shnitzelbeim confirmed this is an interview a few moments ago saying that "Chagaev has a touch of Hepatitis and Morrison, as we all know, has a few teaspoons of AIDS. This fight allows us to bring two potentially fatal diseases together in a boxing ring for the first time."

Shnitzelbeim went on to say that if the Finnish authorities insist on having healthy fighters they will take the fight back to Germany where there are no rules.

"Morrison and Chagaev are big names no matter where we go. We intend to unify these diseases into a super title and no shark brained Scandinavians are going to stop us."

Morrison for his part is ready and raring to go, "What the hell do I have to lose? My disease is gonna kill me first anyway."

Chagaev was a little more hesitant saying "I was hoping just to make Valuev sick without any further risk to myself but the opportunity to fight for the Heavyweight Title of AIDS isn't something I can pass up in my severely jaundiced state."

The only hangup so far is that when announced all tickets in the first 8 rows were immediately returned which cause a severe drop in gate revenue.

One Finnish Fan, Jaaaaraogaiii Haapziilljaj, who had waited 10 hours for his front row ticket said simply, "If I want AIDS I will go f*ck a Russian prostitute".

Stay tuned for updates as this superfight awaits final approval.
Hilarious
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#7
Old 05-29-2009, 06:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hitman932 View Post
Universum's Gerhard Shnitzelbeim confirmed this is an interview a few moments ago saying that "Chagaev has a touch of Hepatitis and Morrison, as we all know, has a few teaspoons of AIDS. This fight allows us to bring two potentially fatal diseases together in a boxing ring for the first time."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hitman932 View Post
One Finnish Fan, Jaaaaraogaiii Haapziilljaj, who had waited 10 hours for his front row ticket said simply, "If I want AIDS I will go f*ck a Russian prostitute"
Quality ****, ****man.
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#8
Old 05-29-2009, 06:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hitman932 View Post
There will be no medical personnel on site and no ambulances made available.

If one guy dies they are planning a secret trap door in the ring which will drop the loser down 40 feet into a makeshift grave.
No cutmen either...
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#9
Old 05-29-2009, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by BostonGuy View Post
No cutmen either...
There are going to be "Cut Infusion Specialists" in each corner.

Whenever a fighter is cut a specialist will enter the ring with a Malaria covered cotton swab and infect the wound as thoroughly as possible.
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#10
Old 05-29-2009, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Hitman932 View Post
There are going to be "Cut Infusion Specialists" in each corner.

Whenever a fighter is cut a specialist will enter the ring with a Malaria covered cotton swab and infect the wound as thoroughly as possible.
Is the ring quarantined with an airtight bubble?
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