Tweet
...it would be a shit sandwich deep fried in earwax with used maxi-pads instead of bread.
Yes, I went to see Resident Evil Afterlife in bad 3D. No, I was not expecting Lawrence of Arabia. But I did think the first three were pretty good movies. Let me explain: They were pretty good movies compared to this foetid pile of garbage. Fuck, next to this movie they were Raiders of the Lost Ark, Empire Strikes Back and Ghostbusters.
Just in case anyone is dying to know what happened in this waste of precious minutes, I'm going to provide some spoilers. Although in this case the movie was already spoiled by being made.
Just in case anybody is watching this as the first Resident Evil movie they've ever seen there's a few minutes spent recapping what happened in the first three movies. Of course that description applies to nobody at all. Everyone seeing this movie has already seen the other three otherwise what's the point.
Then about fifty Alices blow the shit out of an Umbrella facility in Tokyo. Why are there fifty Alices? Well everybody knows because there was a whole bunch of clones in the third film that she recruits, which is why it's doubly disingenuous to have a recap - it doesn't explain this salient point leading the uninitiated scratching their heads and thinking WTF?
The evil Wesker manages to escape and blows up the facility, Alices and all, except for the real one who survives and confronts Wesker on the getaway plane. Wesker manages to inject her with a serum that has the double effect of removing Alice's powers and filling a plot hole about why she doesn't have superhuman powers any more.
The plane hits a mountain, Alice somehow survives and in the next scene is flying a single-engine plane to Alaska to find her buddies from the third film. The caption says "Six Months Later" which succinctly tells the story of how a seriously injured, non-superhuman woman manages to fight her way through untold hordes of the undead to reach the other side of the Pacific ocean.
Speaking of undead, well the ubiquitous zombies from the series now run. Yeah, that shit is wack right there. Running zombies suck. Running is to zombies what sunlight is to vampires. Not shit vampires from Twilight either... actually that gives me a better simile to use: Running is to zombies what Robert Pattinson is to vampires.
Anyway Alice finds Clare Redfield from the games and the third film with some sort of mind control device in a field full of aircraft in Alaska and rescues her, flying down the coast to LA. Clare has amnesia which is a device that has to be handled with enormous care in films to prevent the director and writer from looking like a complete hack. But in this case the writer and director Paul WS Anderson is a complete hack so it's handled as badly as a cock on a first date with a chick with no fingers.
So they get to LA and find the place in ruins, with fires burning everywhere. The Hollywood sign is aflame... So I'll recap the timeline for you: This part of the film is set six months after the start of the film. The third film begins after a zombie apocalypse has utterly destroyed civilisation. So we can solve the energy crisis forever. Just set LA on fire and it will burn forever, providing unlimited free energy!
Anyway they land on top of a prison and meet a set of douchebags including a douchebag who is locked up in the basement... it's none other than CHRIS REDFIELD from the games! Reunited with his sister he saves the douchebags as they attempt to escape the crowds of zombies and get to a ship. Oh the ship was initially in Alaska and sailed down the coast, they kept updating their location on their radio transmission only Alice apparently managed to find the only plane in the world that didn't have a radio.
There's a lot left unexplained in this film. Like the zombies don't eat people using human mouths. Instead they use wacky mouths like the ons that Las Plagas infected Los Ganados. Except they're still zombies. Apparently reanimated corpses eating human flesh wasn't creepy enough for that master of terror so he made their mouths look like tumorous vaginas instead. Also unexplained is a big dude with a bag on his head and a large warhammer. Where does he come from? Who sent him? Who does his piercings? Nobody knows. He just shows up, starts breaking down a gate and then has a big fight scene. There has never been a more pointless villain introduced purely for a fight scene since Darth Maul.
A bunch of characters die in this sequence. The sleazy ex film producer escapes in the plane, the hot british chick cops it, the chinese guy gets sliced in half by the hammer guy, and the black dude perishes while escaping to the sewers from a tunnel dug by zombies. Did I mention that this film stinks?
So they get to the ship and find it empty. The crew abandoned ship but there are still 2000 passengers. Where are the passengers? Oh they're in a large part of the hold marked with the Umbrella Corporation logo...
Yes. One of the characters actually says "It's a trap". So what do they do? Regroup, take stock of their weapons, formulate a plan? No, they draw their handguns and walk into the part of the cell...
Therein they find that the passengers are all held in suspended animation under the floor, a bit like being frozen in carbonite only with a much smaller prop budget.
Alice goes off on her own (naturally) and encounters the evil Wesker who is driven insane by the T virus. Also present is the sleazy producer who made it to the ship but is now the lackey of Wesker. Wesker sets two zombie dogs on Alice that sit there doing cock all while Chris and Clare Redfield fight Wesker. The zombie dogs had a neat effect though, because their head and torsos split in half vertically with nasty The Thing style toothsome maws. This was cool because instead of simply inexplicably stealing concepts from other Resident Evil games, they actually inexplicably stole a concept from Silent Hill 3.
Wesker thinks that he will manage to control the T virus if he eats Alice but Alice managed to get her gun and blow Wesker's brains out. Wesker then gets locked in the room after being pumped full of bullets, along with his new sidekick, sleazy producer guy, while the good guys free the rest of the captives. You don't actually get to see what happens to sleazy producer guy but judging by the anguished screams he makes while off camera I can only imagine that he's been forced to watch Alien vs Predator the Director's cut.
Long story short Wesker somehow manages to escape again and gets into his getaway plane, then sets the self destruct on the ship. But oops, oh.... Alice put the self destruct thingy on his PLANE! IN YOUR FACE! So Wesker gets pwned. Except... there were like five getaway planes on that ship, so somehow Alice knew that he would choose the one she put the bomb on. By this point I'd pretty much accepted that the whole thing was held together with plot holes so I didn't particularly care.
The film ends with the revelation that the black guy... MADE IT! I guess he must be related to Will Smith. And then a bunch of Umbrella Corp helicopters are shown heading towards the ship. Literally hundreds of them. Where the hell is Umbrella Corp finding all of these soldiers, man?
So on the whole this film was absolutely horrible, but it did have one thing in its favour: It was better than the Jennifer Aniston/Jake Gyllenhall vehicle The Good Girl. But then so is pickling your own eyeballs in battery acid.
FIN
Yes, I went to see Resident Evil Afterlife in bad 3D. No, I was not expecting Lawrence of Arabia. But I did think the first three were pretty good movies. Let me explain: They were pretty good movies compared to this foetid pile of garbage. Fuck, next to this movie they were Raiders of the Lost Ark, Empire Strikes Back and Ghostbusters.
Just in case anyone is dying to know what happened in this waste of precious minutes, I'm going to provide some spoilers. Although in this case the movie was already spoiled by being made.
Just in case anybody is watching this as the first Resident Evil movie they've ever seen there's a few minutes spent recapping what happened in the first three movies. Of course that description applies to nobody at all. Everyone seeing this movie has already seen the other three otherwise what's the point.
Then about fifty Alices blow the shit out of an Umbrella facility in Tokyo. Why are there fifty Alices? Well everybody knows because there was a whole bunch of clones in the third film that she recruits, which is why it's doubly disingenuous to have a recap - it doesn't explain this salient point leading the uninitiated scratching their heads and thinking WTF?
The evil Wesker manages to escape and blows up the facility, Alices and all, except for the real one who survives and confronts Wesker on the getaway plane. Wesker manages to inject her with a serum that has the double effect of removing Alice's powers and filling a plot hole about why she doesn't have superhuman powers any more.
The plane hits a mountain, Alice somehow survives and in the next scene is flying a single-engine plane to Alaska to find her buddies from the third film. The caption says "Six Months Later" which succinctly tells the story of how a seriously injured, non-superhuman woman manages to fight her way through untold hordes of the undead to reach the other side of the Pacific ocean.
Speaking of undead, well the ubiquitous zombies from the series now run. Yeah, that shit is wack right there. Running zombies suck. Running is to zombies what sunlight is to vampires. Not shit vampires from Twilight either... actually that gives me a better simile to use: Running is to zombies what Robert Pattinson is to vampires.
Anyway Alice finds Clare Redfield from the games and the third film with some sort of mind control device in a field full of aircraft in Alaska and rescues her, flying down the coast to LA. Clare has amnesia which is a device that has to be handled with enormous care in films to prevent the director and writer from looking like a complete hack. But in this case the writer and director Paul WS Anderson is a complete hack so it's handled as badly as a cock on a first date with a chick with no fingers.
So they get to LA and find the place in ruins, with fires burning everywhere. The Hollywood sign is aflame... So I'll recap the timeline for you: This part of the film is set six months after the start of the film. The third film begins after a zombie apocalypse has utterly destroyed civilisation. So we can solve the energy crisis forever. Just set LA on fire and it will burn forever, providing unlimited free energy!
Anyway they land on top of a prison and meet a set of douchebags including a douchebag who is locked up in the basement... it's none other than CHRIS REDFIELD from the games! Reunited with his sister he saves the douchebags as they attempt to escape the crowds of zombies and get to a ship. Oh the ship was initially in Alaska and sailed down the coast, they kept updating their location on their radio transmission only Alice apparently managed to find the only plane in the world that didn't have a radio.
There's a lot left unexplained in this film. Like the zombies don't eat people using human mouths. Instead they use wacky mouths like the ons that Las Plagas infected Los Ganados. Except they're still zombies. Apparently reanimated corpses eating human flesh wasn't creepy enough for that master of terror so he made their mouths look like tumorous vaginas instead. Also unexplained is a big dude with a bag on his head and a large warhammer. Where does he come from? Who sent him? Who does his piercings? Nobody knows. He just shows up, starts breaking down a gate and then has a big fight scene. There has never been a more pointless villain introduced purely for a fight scene since Darth Maul.
A bunch of characters die in this sequence. The sleazy ex film producer escapes in the plane, the hot british chick cops it, the chinese guy gets sliced in half by the hammer guy, and the black dude perishes while escaping to the sewers from a tunnel dug by zombies. Did I mention that this film stinks?
So they get to the ship and find it empty. The crew abandoned ship but there are still 2000 passengers. Where are the passengers? Oh they're in a large part of the hold marked with the Umbrella Corporation logo...
Yes. One of the characters actually says "It's a trap". So what do they do? Regroup, take stock of their weapons, formulate a plan? No, they draw their handguns and walk into the part of the cell...
Therein they find that the passengers are all held in suspended animation under the floor, a bit like being frozen in carbonite only with a much smaller prop budget.
Alice goes off on her own (naturally) and encounters the evil Wesker who is driven insane by the T virus. Also present is the sleazy producer who made it to the ship but is now the lackey of Wesker. Wesker sets two zombie dogs on Alice that sit there doing cock all while Chris and Clare Redfield fight Wesker. The zombie dogs had a neat effect though, because their head and torsos split in half vertically with nasty The Thing style toothsome maws. This was cool because instead of simply inexplicably stealing concepts from other Resident Evil games, they actually inexplicably stole a concept from Silent Hill 3.
Wesker thinks that he will manage to control the T virus if he eats Alice but Alice managed to get her gun and blow Wesker's brains out. Wesker then gets locked in the room after being pumped full of bullets, along with his new sidekick, sleazy producer guy, while the good guys free the rest of the captives. You don't actually get to see what happens to sleazy producer guy but judging by the anguished screams he makes while off camera I can only imagine that he's been forced to watch Alien vs Predator the Director's cut.
Long story short Wesker somehow manages to escape again and gets into his getaway plane, then sets the self destruct on the ship. But oops, oh.... Alice put the self destruct thingy on his PLANE! IN YOUR FACE! So Wesker gets pwned. Except... there were like five getaway planes on that ship, so somehow Alice knew that he would choose the one she put the bomb on. By this point I'd pretty much accepted that the whole thing was held together with plot holes so I didn't particularly care.
The film ends with the revelation that the black guy... MADE IT! I guess he must be related to Will Smith. And then a bunch of Umbrella Corp helicopters are shown heading towards the ship. Literally hundreds of them. Where the hell is Umbrella Corp finding all of these soldiers, man?
So on the whole this film was absolutely horrible, but it did have one thing in its favour: It was better than the Jennifer Aniston/Jake Gyllenhall vehicle The Good Girl. But then so is pickling your own eyeballs in battery acid.
FIN
Comment