Round 1 requested we made a jokes thread.
Here you guys can share funny stories or jokes that you like.
For the people that speak spanish I will put some up in spanish.
Lets try and have a good time in here guys and gals!

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, dickhead."
The man replies: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you!"

3 borrachitos hablando y le pregunta uno al otro.Oye tu que crees que es mas rapido,un rayo o la luz? Uno dice la luz y el otro dice el rayo. El tercero dice ustedes estan pendejos! Lo mas rapido es la caca! Porque dicen los otros 2. Mira, dice el tercero.Anoche me estaba cagando,me lavante como un rayo! prendi las luz y ya me habia cagado!

Porque las mujeres tienen dos pares de labios?

Unos para decir PENDEJADAS.


Y los otros para COREJIRLAS!

Estabe una nina en su clase de religion y la hagaro la una monja copeando la tarea. Y la monja la hagaro del las narises con los dedos y le dijo"Las ninas que copean la tarea no se van al cielo!" Y la nina la hagara de las narises agual y le dice "A las monjas que le huelen las manos a PITO no se van al cielo TAMPOCO!"

Finally I can say this one. I'm not around Spanish speaking people so it frustrates me that I can't say one of my favorite jokes. If you don't speak/read Spanish I apologize but this is some funny shit.


Una noche un hombre llega a un hotel. Pide un cuarto, y el hombre trabajando le dice "No mas tengo uno pero esta espantado." El hombre le dice "esta bien me da el cuarto estoy bien cansado." El hombre trabajando le da la llave. Mas noche el hombre despierta espantado, y oye una voz diciendole "No te asustes ni te espantes, es la verga de Cervantes." El hombre bien espantado se va corriendo del cuarto.

La proxima noche otro hombre llega y Pide un cuarto, y el hombre trabajando le dice "No mas tengo uno pero esta espantado." El hombre le dice "esta bien me da el cuarto estoy bien cansado." El hombre trabajando le da la llave. Mas noche el hombre despierta espantado, y oye una voz diciendole "NO TE ASUSTES NI TE ESPANTES, ES LA VERGA DE CERVANTES." El hombre bien espantado se va corriendo del cuarto.

La proxima noche llega un maricon y Pide un cuarto, y el hombre trabajando le dice "No mas tengo uno pero esta espantado." El
maricon le dice "esta bien me da el cuarto estoy bien cansado." El hombre trabajando le da la llave. Mas noche el maricon despierta , y oye una voz diciendole "NO TE ASUSTES NI TE ESPANTES, ES LA VERGA DE CERVANTES." El maricon contento le dice "NO ME ASUSTO NI ME ESPANTO, ESA VERGA YO LA AGUANTO!!" :eek:

hahahaha good shit oj. that doesnt mean im down with that kinda stuff though.

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A man and his son walk into a store one evening and start walking down the pharmacy aisle. The young boy looks up and notices a box of condoms. He then decides to ask his dad the question-"dad what are those?" The dad says "those are condoms." "What are they for?" asks the son. The Dad picks up a three pack and says "these are for high school kids, one on Friday, one on Saturday, and one on Sunday." The son picks up a Six pack and asks, "who are these for dad?" The dad replies "these are for college kids, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." Now excited the son picks up a twelve pack and asks who are these for?" The dad replies "those...son are for the married man. One for every month!!"

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go **** herself."

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls
around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The
drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of
vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Iba una cola de gente como de tres cuadras detrás de una carroza de repente se acerca un borracho y pregunta:¿Quién falleció? Y le contestan: mi suegra y vuelve a preguntar el borracho: ¿De que murió? Y le contestan: Porque la mató un perro, dice el borracho: Préstame el perro. Y le contestan: Pues formate.

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

5000000.00 points donated to Round 1 successfully!


Keep em coming bud! Good spot to come to in morning to have a laugh.

5000000.00 points donated to Round 1 successfully!


Keep em coming bud! Good spot to come to in morning to have a laugh.
Thanks.



A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

Good one there round1. 5 mil to you.

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

THATS AN OLD ONE!

A man woke up every morning and passed gas.After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out.Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore.She put the scraps in his pants that night.

He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom.Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS.I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

When I die,I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home.He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects.So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek.


At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air.But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A husband told his wife to prepare a good dinner as he had invited his boss for dinner. Oh no, the wife replied, we have nothing to eat and no money, we only have rice!
That's OK honey, he replied, tonight when we're in the living room, I'm going to ask you what did you prepared for dinner, just answer "chicken and rice" then go to the kitchen, drop a few cooking pans and when I ask you what happened just say " oh no, I dropped the chicken and now we only have rice for dinner."
That evening everything goes to plan, after she drops a few pans, she comes to the living room and he asks, " what happened?"
She replies, "oh no, I dropped the rice!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

hhahahahah.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my stockings."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then, she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Leroy.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!' "

lol, leroy is a funny kid.

Just got this list on my e-mail.


Condoms Types

1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...
2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.
3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!
5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...
6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.
7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.
8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.
9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!
11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!
12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?
13. Nike Condoms: just do it.
14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.
16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?
17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?

lol, leroy is a funny kid.
Little Leroy = Pepito.

Pepito se estaba bañando con su papa cuando al papa se le cae el jabon. El papa se empina a recojer el jabon y Pepito se le queda viendo a la cola y muy asustado le dice "papa que te paso, tienes un hoyo enmedio de las nalgas!"
El papa vergonzosamente le contesta, "es que me dieron un balazo."
Pepito le dice " pues te lo dieron en el mero culo!"

pepito jokes are classics too bad i cant member them.

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

A really drunk guy is walking home from the bar and sees a pumpkin patch on the side of the road. He thinks how nice and squishy they must be on the inside, and decides to have a little fun with a pumpkin. He finds a big one, cuts a hole in it, and starts going at it. It must have been getting pretty good because he didn't even notice that a cop car had pulled up, and that an officer was walking right towards him. The cop says "Hey buddy.... Do you know you're screwing a pumpkin?" to which the guy respond,s "A pumpkin?!? It's midnight already???"

An old man was driving down the Interstate at 25 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.
A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.
Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 25 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.'
The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.'
'But the sign says 25.'
The officer explained that he was on Interstate 25.
As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.
All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.
The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?'
'Well, we just came off Interstate 140.'

pepito se sube a un camion hasta la madre de gente.

pasa con un cajita abierta gritando "quidado con los huevos"
pasaba entre la gente didiendo "quidado con los huevos"
Un passajero enojado le dice "A quien chingados se le ocure subirse al camion con huevos a esta hora?!"
Le contesta Pepito "No guey no son huevos son alfileres cabron!"

MAN JOKES AS TOLD BY WOMEN!

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag >about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder: "Instruction Manuals"

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies.
"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"
"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."
"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"
"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

There once was a filthy rich man who had loads of money, a big house, and lots of women. In fact, he had everything his life he was a complete bore. To fight it off, he would have annual parties that were just amazing. Every year he would outdo the previous debauchery. Yet he was still bored. One year he had an idea. He filled the pool with crocodiles.

Halfway through the bacchanalia he announced, "Anyone who can swim across my pool and get out to the other side still alive can have my house." There was silence, nobody took his dare. He spiced up the offer, "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house and all my investments and stocks." Still silence.

Spicing up the offer even more, he threw in not only his house, his investments, and stocks—he threw in all his money as well. Suddenly, there was a loud splash. A man was fighting for his life with the crocodiles. The struggle was bloody but the man managed to swim across the pool and get out alive, half dead with an arm and a leg chomped off from his torso.

"Oh my God," said the rich man, "that was incredible! When do you want the house?" "I don't want the house," said the poor guy. "When do you want the money?" The man said he didn't want it either. "When do you want all my stocks and investments?" "I don't want your stocks and investments," the brave man added. "Well, what do you want, then?" the rich guy, perplexed, asked. The man replied: "I want the jerk that pushed me in."
http://www.fhm.com.ph/girls/joke/images/volunteerism_pays.jpg

Death Wish

A woman was walking through the woods when she came across a rusty old lamp.

The woman, being so curious, immediately picked it up and rubbed it.

Then suddenly a genie appeared saying he would grant the lady three wishes. The catch was, for every wish, her husband would get the same 10 times over.

The woman said, "For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world." The genie warned her, "Your husband will be the most handsome man in the world and women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That's okay, I trust my husband." So, poof!-she became the most beautiful woman in the world.

After that, the woman said, "For my second wish, I want to be the richest woman in the world." The genie said, "That will make your husband 10 times richer than you." "That's okay, we will share our money," said the woman. Poof!-she became the richest woman in the world.

The genie then inquired about her last wish. The woman said, "Hmm… I'd like a mild heart attack."

http://www.fhm.com.ph/girls/joke/images/death_wish.jpg

Perfect Marriage

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to Saint Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper."

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac."

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Twelve times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying. "What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"And?"

"She was riding a skateboard."
http://www.fhm.com.ph/girls/joke/images/perfect_marriage.jpg

Just One Wish
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up, rubbed it, and a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she gets three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate.

She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man.

You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for-a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that ****in' map again."
http://www.fhm.com.ph/girls/joke/images/just_one_wish.jpg

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face
closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face
with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," the bartender breathlessly replied.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand
soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Being an Accountant, I was approached by a georgeous young lady to help her file her income tax. So I asked her what do you do for a living, she said I'm a prostitute. Well, I said, we cannot write that kind of thing in this form. How about CHICKEN FARMER? she asked. And what does chicken farming got to do with being a prostitute? Well, she replied: "I raised over a hundred cocks last year!"

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,

"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral; I'm a gynecologist."

And that's when the proctologist fainted.

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit.

Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is.

Love, Dan

Jay D.

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

http://www.crazyshit.com/site/cartoons/images/adam_eve_blow_job.jpg

Down in California, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?"
"Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"

A middle age man draws up at a football match with a brand new ferrari when he gets out a young boy aproaches him and says " ill look after your car for £10" the man replies "no im ok i have a Bulldog in the back" the young boy then says "can it put out fires?"

How do you get 50 old peaple in a jar?
Cremate them

Why did the old lady site with her legs open at the beach?
To keep the flys of her ice cream

3 old men were discussing their ailments and bodily disfunctions.
The 70 year old says, "My problem is when ah get up it takes me 20 minutes to have a piss."
The 80 year old says, "That's nowt, when ah get up ah got to grunt and groan for 30 minutes before ah can have a shit."
The 90 year old says, "At 7am ah piss like a horse, and at 8am ah shit like a cow"
"So what's the problem then?" his friends both ask.
"Well ah don't wake up till 9am." he replies.

Three people were stuck on an island. An pirate ship comes to the island and says to the three men, "To get off the island bring ten pieces of your favourite fruits." and they head off into the jungle. Ten minutes pass and the first guy comes out with apples. The pirate says "If you can put them up your bum without laughing you can come with me." So the man puts in the apples up his bum. He's up to his third apple and tries to put in the fourth, but he can't. The second guy comes out with grapes. The pirate says to the man "If you can put them up your bum without laughing you can come with me." The man is up to his tenth grape when he starts laughing. The pirate asks "Why did you laugh you could have left the island?" The man replies "I know but I just saw the thrid man coming out with pineapples."

Q:What did the wind say to the coconut tree?
A:Bend over and I'll blow your nuts off!

Q:How do you know if a blondes been on your computer?
A:Theres white out on your screen.

Q:How do you know if a blondes been on your computer again?
A:Theres writing on the white out.

Q:how do you drown a blonde?
A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of ther pool.

Ya mamas so fat people jog around her for exercise.

Ya mamas so stupid it took her two hours to watch sixty minutes.

Ya mamas so stupid she asked you "What's the number for 911?"

A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks,
"Mom, what are you doing to Dad?"
Mom replies, "I was just letting the air out of him - he's too fat."
The little girl replies, "Why, the lady next door is just going to blow him up again."

There are 3 mexicans in a Car, Who is Driving?



THE POLICE.......

(No offence mexicano's)

pardon me bombardero marrón si puedo interrumpir con una broma de mi propio idear - ¿Por qué Oscar De La Hoya fue a nadar? Él deseaba tomar una zambullida

Aquí está uno que oí hablar el equipo del balompié de Escocia, así que no traducirá probablemente, pero usted puede cambiar la mordaza para caber lo que usted desea. Contaba a este individuo escocés en el trabajo esta broma toda la hora... que él la amó tanto él me dijo coger apagado y amenazó golpearme. De todas formas, el lado de Inglaterra es alrededor jugar Escocia en el fútbol, pero son todos los un pedacito cansado y no pueden ser incomodados jugar. "ningún problema" dice que Wayne Rooney (huelguista inglés feo superior)"yo los tomará en me así que usted puede todo tener un resto." Tan todo el lado de Inglaterra está abajo de la publicación que escucha el informe de radio y los extremos del fósforo 1-1. Wayne Rooney viene adentro y comienza a gritar, decir "tengo le dejo abajo, los muchachos." Dicen "no, no se preocupan, Wayne, usted jugó a lado entero de Escocia de se y consiguió un drenaje... allí no es ninguna vergüenza en eso." Wayne va tan "sí allí es... Me enviaron apagado después de diez minutos."

¿Maté a muertos de esta piedra del hilo de rosca, no ? Apologías, BB

¿Maté a muertos de esta piedra del hilo de rosca, no ? Apologías, BB
wtf that shit doesnt make any ****in sense.

wtf that shit doesnt make any ****in sense.
I said I've killed this thread stone dead, haven't I? Apologies, BB.

Can't you speak Alta Vista Spanish? :)

One cop meets his old friend cop and notices that he is extremenly sad. So he asks him what's wrong? Well, the sad cop answers, I've been with my wife for 20 years and our sex life is shot to shit, none of us enjoys it anymore and we're arguing 24/7 because of that. The first cop says, man, that's an easy problem to fix, just do what I do. When I'm having sex with my wife, I fire my gun just when we are about to come, she gets scared and her pussy tightens so much that we both have unbelievable orgasm. The sad cop lightens up and says that he will definitely give it a shot. In a couple of weeks they meet again and the sad cop is in even worse condition. When the happy one asks him what's wrong, he answers: Well, I tried to do what you told me to. Just when we were about to come, I fired my gun. Instead of having an unbelievably great orgasm though, she shits all over my face and bites off my dick.

Q: Why does santa go down the chimney?
A: Because it soots him!

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President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.
"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."

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Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''

George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''

And Bill Clinton smirks and purrs, ''Do we have time?''

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Two guys are picked up by cops for drugs and are given the oppurtunity to walk only if they convince ten other guys not to do drugs. They both agree and set off. The first male comes back and says "I got the ten guys, but it wasn't easy". The cop asks how he did it. "I drew a large circle and then a small circle and said the large circle was your brain and the small circle was your brain on drugs." The second male comes back and says "I got 42 guys to quit drugs!" The cop impressed, asks how did he do it? "Well basically the same system as the first guy but I drew the small circle first and said, "You see the small circle is your butt hole before you go to jail and the large circle is after you have been to jail."

-------------------------------------------------------------

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

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One day a little boy asks his mom questions about God. He goes up to his mother and asks, "Well, son, he''''s a boy and a girl"
Not really know what to say the mother just says, "Well, son, he''''s black and white."

So he asks his mother, "Mom, is God black or white?"

Again not really knowing what to say, the mother tells her son, "Well ,son, he''''s black and white."

So the little boy looks at his mother as though he finally understands and says, "Ohhhh, I didn''''t know that God was Michael Jackson!"

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One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

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A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.

"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

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One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

----------------------------------------------------------------

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

The Bush jokes: so many jokes, so little time.

Bush was testifying on the Iraq war, so they put him on a lie detector. They connected all the sensors and got everything ready. They guy comes up to Bush and says, before we start with questions, I will ask you a few simple questions and every time you lie, the red light will light, every time you tell the truth, the green light will light. Do you understand, Mr. President? Yes, replied Bush. The red light went on...

More Jokes

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.
Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air."

Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"?

The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard.

"My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?

The boy writes the words on the blackboard.

"Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?"

The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The President is we tall did."

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One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

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Things Dubya Shouldn't Say

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into consideration and realized that I really DO look like a furry woodland creature!
2. My fellow Americans, prepare to die. I accidentally sent my wife's birthday gift to bin Laden instead of a bomb. When he receives the negligee I'm afraid he won't be happy. Unfortunately, my wife will receive the bomb. At least ONE good thing will come of this!

3. My fellow Americans, I have decided to skip the state of the union and instead air a program I have long loved and admired, which I still watch to this day... ready? Here it goes!.. "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A..."

4. My fellow Americans, I have just learned of an extraordinary thing! There is a HOLE in the ozone layer! Now we can see the stars even better!

5. Doo a diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!

6. My fellow Americans, I have been deceiving you. I must tell you this now: I know you all voted for me because I am my father's son. Well, he's not my father. You have elected the son of the mailman!

7. My fellow Americans, I must apologize. I had no idea that Dick Cheney is my Vice President! I thought that I was running with a pro wrestler. Please forgive me for my mistake. What? What do you mean, how could I have possibly done such a thing? Simple. I don't really memorize all the names of those less than unimportant senators that no one cares about. I make up nicknames for them like Obblebobble and Notafornee and then laugh about it in my little corners when they're talking about laws and junk.

8. My fellow Americans, I forgot... what was thing with slavery again?

9. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go and finish school and get my high school diploma. Starting Monday I am enrolling in the class I never finished - Miss Munerlich's kindergarten!

10. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go on a family vacation to - Afghanistan! I hear people get stoned there, and unfortunately that is illegal here in our great country that is run by me. I haven't gotten stoned in a long time, not since my visit to the Colombian drug lord Elrico Machimachez, who happens to supply me with mucho goods... What? They THROW stones at people? ...Ah, change of plans! Honey, children, you're going to Afghanistan without me, I have to... uh... write a bill for the allowance of marijuana in America! Ta ta!

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Dubya Quotes

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

A guy walks into a bathroom and walks up to the urinal on the wall. While he's pissin, he looks over and can't help but notice that the short red head guy next to him has an EXTREMELY large penis. So he says to him "I can't help but noticing that your penis is huge" and short red head says "that's because i'm a magic leprechaun. "oh ok" says the other guy. Then the short red head guy says "now that you found out my secret I have to grant you three wishes". The other guy says "alright....first I want a mansion" the leprechaun says "alright 12 oclock tomorrow and you'll have it", next the guy says "next I want a supermodel naked on my bed" the short red head says "1 oclock tomorrow". finally the guy says "and my last wish, I want a dick as big as yours", the leprechaun says "alright 2 oclock tomorrow". Then the leprechaun says "Now in order for these wishes to come true, you have to let me **** u in the ass" the other guy says "alright no problem...i'm gettin my 3 wishes". So after they're done ****in, the guy says to the leprechaun "wow I can't believe i'm gonna have a dick as big as yours" and the short red head said "I can't believe you thought I was a magic leprechaun"

a kid's walkin down the street and he sees a used black condom on the ground. He thinks it's an oreo. Well on the corner a hooker sees him carrying it and says to him "hey i'll give you a quarter for that" and the boy says "50 cents and it's a deal" so the hooker says ok and pays him. When the boy gets home he tells him mom what happens and she says "oh that's wonderful" and the boy says "yeah, but I tricked her. Before I gave it to her I sucked out all the cream filling"

This is a joke sort of............
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b296/raesaad/ATT0032212.jpg

superman's lookin for a good **** and he's goin around to all the superheroes askin who's the best. Batman says "wonderwoman's the best" Spiderman says "wonderwoman's amazing" iron man says "gotta go with wonderwoman" so superman decides on wonderwoman. He's flying thru the air and he sees wonderwoman completely naked with her legs spread in the middle of a field. So he says "alright i'll just fly down really fast with my super speed and get a quicky and i'll be outta there before she knows it" so he flys down does it and flies away fast. Wonderwoman looks up and says "what was that?" and invisible man says "I don't know but my ass sure hurts"

Me as a child.............

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b296/raesaad/my_baby_picture.jpg

:D :D

3 guys are walkin around in the woods lost and starving. They need food. So they see a shack and go to it thinking someone there can give them food. So the one guy says "wait here and i'll go check....if we all go we might scare them" so he goes in and there's this ugly old lady. He explains their situation to her and she says "sure i'll give you guys food, but first one of you have to **** me" the guy runs outside and tells his friends what happened. The one guy's starving so he says "i'll take one for the team, i'm starvin" He goes inside and he tells the old lady "alright, i'll **** ya, but you have to turn around, close your eyes, and bend over" So she does. Right before he sticks his dick in her, he sees this basket of corn on the cob. So he thinks to himself "I'll just slide these in one by one and then get rid of them and she'll never know the difference" So he slides them in one by one and then throws it out the window after it's ruined. Well after they're done, the lady says "wow that was great, i'll get you your food now" so the guy goes outside to his friends with the food and says "I got the food" and his friends say "we don't need it anymore, we just had the best buttered corn"

Me as a child.............

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b296/raesaad/my_baby_picture.jpg

:D :D
...............................

A young boy was at school one afternoon and he overheard some of the bigger kids talking about their bitches and the pussy they get from them.

He went home to his mom washing the dishes. He taps her on the shoulder,

"Mom whats a pussy?"

His mother was shocked, but if he didn't learn it from her, he'd learn it somewhere else. Thinking quickly, she got a dictionary and flipped it to the "C" section.

"Thats a pussy, son. Most people call them cats, you should too. Cats dont like it when you call them pussies."

The son didn't feel like he was getting the full truth, but still asked his next question.

The mom then flipped to the "D" section of the dictionary and said to her son.

"This is a bitch, son. Most people call them dogs. You should too. Dogs dont like it when you call them bitches."

"Thanks mom" The son replied as he walked to the living room.

The son was almost positive that his mom wasn't telling him the truth, so he approached his dad.

"Dad, whats a pussy?"

His dad was watching the ball game and didn't want to be interupted. He grabbed a Hustler magazine from under his coach and then a marker from a nearby table. He opened it to a random page, drew a circle around the womans vagina, and gave it to his son.

"There son, thats a pussy."

His son was still confused. Until his dad answered his last question.

"Well then dad, what's a bitch"

"Well son, thats everything outside the circle"

A young girl walked in on his dad "choking the chicken"

She looked at the TV and saw two people having sex.

"Daddy, what are those two people doing?"

"Ummm, daughter, they're making a cake"

Satisfied with that answer, the daughter left.



The next day the young girl and her parents were walking down the street and she said

"Look dad, those two people are making cake. Look, right through that window"

The dad explained everything to his wife and she played along too.



The next morning, the daughter went up to her parents.

"Mom, dad, were you two making a cake last night?"

The dad replied "How did you know?"

The daughter replied right back "Because I ate the frosting off of the coach"

whats orange and looks good on a hippie?

fire

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So he buys Ralph.
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but
first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself
now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot
of money. "Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time
and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house
and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen
house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a
flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the
geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster
won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and
wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the
middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet
sticking straight up in the air.

Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done
to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky
and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."