How to take a dump in public restroom

We've all been there but we don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our rooms and suddenly felt
something a brew down there. As much as we try to
convince ourselves, the RESTROOM POOP is inevitable.
For those of you who hate pooping in public restrooms
as much as I do, I give you the ......... 1999
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump in Restroom

Memorize these definitions and pooping in public
restroom will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak
at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash
you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend
that you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE, it
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out
at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do
not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best
to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A peer who poops in public restrooms and
is damn proud of it. You will see an Out of the closet
pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the halls for the
Out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of students who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
occur when taking a dump in a public restroom. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new
entrants into the bathroom that you are in the stall.
This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIR.

ASTAIR
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying the
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIR, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: a turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with
an ASTAIR.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other
attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

How to take a dump in public restroom

We've all been there but we don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our rooms and suddenly felt
something a brew down there. As much as we try to
convince ourselves, the RESTROOM POOP is inevitable.
For those of you who hate pooping in public restrooms
as much as I do, I give you the ......... 1999
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump in Restroom

Memorize these definitions and pooping in public
restroom will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak
at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash
you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend
that you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE, it
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out
at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do
not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best
to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A peer who poops in public restrooms and
is damn proud of it. You will see an Out of the closet
pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the halls for the
Out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of students who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
occur when taking a dump in a public restroom. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new
entrants into the bathroom that you are in the stall.
This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIR.

ASTAIR
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying the
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIR, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: a turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with
an ASTAIR.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other
attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
LMFAO AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAH

I very rarely LOL while on the computer but this was just too funny!

wtf?

he cut and pasted this bull**** from some comedy site, this bit is over 5 years old.. come up with your own **** if you are gonna post comedy here you chump. and this isnt even funny in my book, maybe when i was 15 or 16 it would have been. sry.

rating this thread a 1.

wtf?

he cut and pasted this bull**** from some comedy site, this bit is over 5 years old.. come up with your own **** if you are gonna post comedy here you chump. and this isnt even funny in my book, maybe when i was 15 or 16 it would have been. sry.

rating this thread a 1.


Yeah its pretty dated.

True. Funny when your a school kid. But no now.

Nah it's still funny but just because of how juvenile it is. Does anyone really care who hears them **** anymore? Now I'm proud of it. I get dissapointed when my **** doesn't make a really loud sound or doesn't stink as much as I wish it would.