Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson
--------------------------------------------------------------
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"

"Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose.

"Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.

Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.

Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"

"Sand," says Jose.

A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.

For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"

Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."
--------------------------------------------------------------
What kind of cans are there in Mexico?
Mexicans.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Breast ID System
(o)(o)
perfect breasts

( + )( + )
fake silicone breasts

(*)(*)
high nipple breasts

(@)(@)
big nipple breasts (you know who you are)

oo
a cups

{ O }{ O }
d cups

(oYo)
wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^)
cold breasts

(o)(O)
lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q)
pierced breasts

(p)(p)
breasts w/hanging tassels

(:o)(o)
bitten by a vampire breasts

o/o/
Grandma's breasts

( - )( - )
flat against the shower door breasts

< o < o
electric shock breasts

|o||o|
android breasts

(/)(o)
scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o)
extra nipple breasts

($)($)
Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o)
zit on your breast

( o Y o )
poses for playboy magazine breasts
http://www.taintedbill.com/archives/front050103.gif

How do you make a cat go woof?




















Cover it in gasoline and throw it in the fire place.....

How do you make a cat go woof?



Cover it in gasoline and throw it in the fire place.....
lol....thats funny stuff...

so has no one else got any jokes to offer. :confused:

Abud just e-mailed some Michael Jackson jokes. My fave:
Michael and Debbie Rowe were in recovery after the birth of their son and Michael asked the doc, "How long until we can have sex?"
The doc answered, ""Wait at least until he's 14!"

This guy in Chigaco has to catch the train, while waiting for it he trys this future machine, he puts a dollar in and the machine goes "you are James Matthew, 36 years old, waiting for the 5 oclock train", James couldnt belive the machine knew him like that, so he put another dollar in and hide under his shirt, the machine says "you are James Matthew, 36 years old, hiding under your shirt, waiting for the 5 o clock train", unbeliveable James thought, so he goes off and comes back with a wig and dress on to fool the machine, again he puts in a dollar, the machine goes "you are James Matthew, 36 years old, and for eating ****, you missed the 5 o clock train"

a guy is in a nightclub when he notices a fit blonde eyeing
him up..he decides to go over and offer her a drink. after a
short while she leans forward and says "would ya like to go
back to my place".

he cant believe his luck and agrees.
they make thier way back to her place where they immediately start
kissing. she pushes him off and says "theres something i need to
tell you" oh no he thinks, shes married. "ive got cancer & im going
to die soon. i really want a man to go down on me before i die."

"well thats ok" he says "ill happily go down on you.

so she leads him into the bedroom , strips off and lays on the bed.

he buries his face between her legs but almost immediately he removes
his head from her crotch & wrinkles his nose, what a smell he thinks.

he goes back down but its just too smelly for him to continue.

so bravely he asks "do you ever wash your fanny"
"its my arthritis" she says
"your arthritis !!! what the **** has that got to do with it" he said

"well ive got arthritis in my shoulders and cant wipe my ass"

Abud just e-mailed some Michael Jackson jokes. My fave:
Michael and Debbie Rowe were in recovery after the birth of their son and Michael asked the doc, "How long until we can have sex?"
The doc answered, ""Wait at least until he's 14!"

lol ... priceless :D

M.J. Quote

MJ (http://www.killsometime.com/Soundboards/Soundboard.asp?Soundboard=Michael-Jackson)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?

The husband replied, All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry.

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, What are you thinking now?

He replied, It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

How do you know when it is bedtime at MJs house?
When the big hand touches the little hand

Whats the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and
the other you carry your groceries in

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch, the bartender asks the pirate, "What's the steering wheel for?" The Pirate replys "Arrrrgggg, It's drivin me nuts!"

Beer troubleshooting


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
Damn that **** is ****ing crazy!!!
Your father in law is something else.

Funny Joke - CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel ****y all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in ******** soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

I Woke Up One Morning,groggy,headache Tongue Like An Arabs Shoe And Went Down Stairs To Find My Darling Wife Sweating Over A Hot Cooker.what Are You Doing?"i Asked."exactly What You Asked Me To Last Night"she Said.
Funny,i Dont Remember Asking Her To Cook My Sock.

Q: What did one tampon say to the other?

A: Nothing they're both stuck up *****es.


A man calls his boss at work one morning to say he's too sick to come into work.
"Whats the matter?" Asks his boss.

"I have a severe case of anal glaucoma," says the employee.

"That sounds like a load of crap!" yells his boss. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"Well I can't see my ass coming into work today!"

Damn that **** is ****ing crazy!!!
Your father in law is something else.

You do know it's not a true story, right? I'm just making sure.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's a teenager.

For football fans:

Did you hear the Kansas City Cheifs are changing their name? They're going to be called the Kansas City Tampons, because they're only good for one period and they have no second string.
__________________


A guy is sitting in a bar, and he sees this hooker sitting on the other side. He goes to her and asks, "how much for a handjob?" The hooker replies, "$10 for a handjob." So, they go out to his truck, and she gives him the best handjob of his life.

The guy says, "Wow! That was the best handjob of my life. How much money have you made on those tonight?" She says, "See that bar? I've made enough to buy it." He replies, "Wow, so how much for a blowjob?" "$25," she says." So he gives her $25 and she gives him the best blowjob of his life. He asks how much she's made on blowjobs that night. She says, "See all these cars? I've made enough money to buy all of them tonight."

He asks, "How much for a little *****?" She says, "See all those windmills? That's how much money I'd have made if I had a *****."

You do know it's not a true story, right? I'm just making sure.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's a teenager.

For football fans:

Did you hear the Kansas City Cheifs are changing their name? They're going to be called the Kansas City Tampons, because they're only good for one period and they have no second string.
__________________


A guy is sitting in a bar, and he sees this hooker sitting on the other side. He goes to her and asks, "how much for a handjob?" The hooker replies, "$10 for a handjob." So, they go out to his truck, and she gives him the best handjob of his life.

The guy says, "Wow! That was the best handjob of my life. How much money have you made on those tonight?" She says, "See that bar? I've made enough to buy it." He replies, "Wow, so how much for a blowjob?" "$25," she says." So he gives her $25 and she gives him the best blowjob of his life. He asks how much she's made on blowjobs that night. She says, "See all these cars? I've made enough money to buy all of them tonight."

He asks, "How much for a little *****?" She says, "See all those windmills? That's how much money I'd have made if I had a *****."

the last joke is hilarious.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A.. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

Q:why do women get yeast infections?

A: so they know what its like to deal with an irritating cunt....