The1God
03-04-2005, 03:48 PM
Have you ever just wanted to just disappear and leave all your debts and problems behind? No problem. You just have to fake your own death. Unfortunately, with technology getting so much better, it’s harder than ever. The same tricks that worked for Elvis, won’t work for you.
The key to making this whole plan work is to make sure absolutely no one knows. Not even your mother. You won’t be able to come back, ever. If you want to eliminate your debt, but still have your life, this plan isn’t for you. This is for someone who wants to disappear forever.
Up to your ‘death’ date, you’re not going to want to make any suspicious movements. Don’t sell anything, don’t say any goodbyes, don’t pull out of any clubs or groups, and for heaven sakes, don’t adjust your life insurance policy in any way. If you do anything out of the normal, the police investigators will notice. They check into everything. You don’t want them to notice any changes. You want them convinced that you’re dead.
You’ll need a body. Now, the good thing about this plan is that with six billion people on the planet, many are dying. Thus you have a wealth of people to choose from. I’m not suggesting murder, but rather making sure you get the perfect fit. You want someone with your characteristics.
Pick someone that’s roughly the same height. It can be off by a couple inches either way, because no one really knows how tall you are, unless you just had your photo taken at the DMV last week. Make sure the skin tone matches, and the hair color is similar. Oh, and most importantly, make sure they’re the same sex as you. Trust me, the coroner will notice.
There’s several ways to acquire a freshly deceased body. One way is to go to the visitations of the recently expunged. This will allow you a good look at your possible stand in. Don’t be afraid to ask a few questions about the body either. Ask how they died and so on. Pretend you’re doing an obituary for the paper or that you’re a distant relative. If you don’t have cancer, make sure your stand in doesn’t have it either. If you’re fairly healthy, pick someone who was mildly injured internally in a car crash, and succumbed to their wounds. No skull fractures or broken bones though. Victims of suffocation are always good.
When you’ve found the perfect stand in, the night they’re buried, get to the cemetery when no one will ask questions. Huge metro cemeteries are a poor choice. Small rural ones in the country are the best. Obviously I’m being picky here, and it may take you a year or so to get the right body, but trust me, if you want to disappear, it’s really the only way.
After you’ve dug up the body, no one will notice it’s gone for a long time – if at all. The ground was freshly churned anyways. The dead rarely get dug up unless they need to investigate the body. This is rare, and you’ll probably be fine. Just investigate the life of the person you’re extracting, and if you’ve covered your tracks, it’ll be alright.
Now that you have your stand in, you’ll need to modify it. For those of you weak in the stomach, you might want to skip this paragraph. You’ll need to remove the identifying marks. Not the fingertips, we’re burning those later. The teeth are the most important. I’m sure you’ve been to the dentist, so you’ll have dental records. This is the only way they’ll be able to identify the body, so you’ll need to eliminate them. There’s really only one believable way that I can think of, and that’s to get your/their face caught in a mangling device such as a wood chipper or any device that will destroy teeth. Teeth don’t really burn well unless the fire is really hot, so you'll have to make sure their mostly destroyed. As for DNA, it won’t be an issue unless you’ve left DNA somewhere that’s readily available, in which case you’re screwed.
Now, another glitch that you're going to have is that the body has been through the embalming process. That means you're going to need to get all the Formaldhyde out, and some bodily organs in. It's a hassle, but it's a lot easier than trying to a body fully intact. The morgue keeps good track of the deceased. I suggest getting a little help from an online medical doctor site on how to best go about this. I have no idea where the organs go. Plus, you'll need blood to make it look real. (Hey, I'm a writer - I know very little about the embaliming process.) If this is all too complicated for, like it is for me, murder is the next best option. Just snatch someone that looks like you off the street. The upside to this method, it that they'll have ID that kind of looks like you. This brings us to the plan. It doesn’t matter how you died, as long as the teeth are eliminated. Now that you’re dead, you’ll need to have a reason as to why the body is burned. Burning is important because you want the body to be hard to identify. Aparently burning the body doesn't really do too much other than melt skin unless it's 3000 degrees, so you'll have to do a pre-disfiguration just to be safe.While you were doing whatever it is you were doing when your face was mangled, you started a pot of coffee. Make sure there are many flammable things around the coffee maker – paper towels, napkins, oven mitts and so forth. This will be the cause of the fire. Many new coffee makers have an auto turn off feature. Purchase one at a garage sale that you know is unsafe to have in your home.
The beauty of the coffee maker plan, is that you can set it up and than leave it. This will give you time to get away. Unfortunately, you also can’t ensure it worked. I suggest watching from a close distance to make sure everything goes up. Don’t use gas, or any accelerator – the fire marshal will be able to tell, and that’s suspicious. You can have flammable household items to help you out, but nothing that you wouldn’t already find in your kitchen or bathroom. Also, set the fire when you think the least amount of people will notice. It’s a fire, so people will notice, but the longer it takes them, the better. Early morning is best because it’s also good evidence that you needed to make coffee.
Now that you’re dead, you need to escape. When you’re dead, your social security and passport are cancelled, so you’ll just need to stay in the country. Pick an area you’d like to disappear in. Small towns are good, because without ID, it’ll be hard to do anything in a major city. Never use your real name. Make up something cool like Jeff McSmashinter, or something of the sort.
And that’s pretty much everything you need to know about faking your own death. Of course you can take a few prized possessions, but nothing drastic. I wouldn’t suggest doing this if you want to see your family again, because if you show up after being dead for thirty years, they’ll hate you. And be scared ****less.
When creating a new life, you’ll need to avoid a few things. The first is paying taxes. Try to get a job that pays under the table, like bartending. You’ll never be able to get a loan, open a bank account, or cash paychecks either, unless you can acquire a fake ID, or by using the murder option, but that’s another How To Guide altogether.
This Guide Is For Entertainment Purposes Only. Not To Be Taken Seriously.
The key to making this whole plan work is to make sure absolutely no one knows. Not even your mother. You won’t be able to come back, ever. If you want to eliminate your debt, but still have your life, this plan isn’t for you. This is for someone who wants to disappear forever.
Up to your ‘death’ date, you’re not going to want to make any suspicious movements. Don’t sell anything, don’t say any goodbyes, don’t pull out of any clubs or groups, and for heaven sakes, don’t adjust your life insurance policy in any way. If you do anything out of the normal, the police investigators will notice. They check into everything. You don’t want them to notice any changes. You want them convinced that you’re dead.
You’ll need a body. Now, the good thing about this plan is that with six billion people on the planet, many are dying. Thus you have a wealth of people to choose from. I’m not suggesting murder, but rather making sure you get the perfect fit. You want someone with your characteristics.
Pick someone that’s roughly the same height. It can be off by a couple inches either way, because no one really knows how tall you are, unless you just had your photo taken at the DMV last week. Make sure the skin tone matches, and the hair color is similar. Oh, and most importantly, make sure they’re the same sex as you. Trust me, the coroner will notice.
There’s several ways to acquire a freshly deceased body. One way is to go to the visitations of the recently expunged. This will allow you a good look at your possible stand in. Don’t be afraid to ask a few questions about the body either. Ask how they died and so on. Pretend you’re doing an obituary for the paper or that you’re a distant relative. If you don’t have cancer, make sure your stand in doesn’t have it either. If you’re fairly healthy, pick someone who was mildly injured internally in a car crash, and succumbed to their wounds. No skull fractures or broken bones though. Victims of suffocation are always good.
When you’ve found the perfect stand in, the night they’re buried, get to the cemetery when no one will ask questions. Huge metro cemeteries are a poor choice. Small rural ones in the country are the best. Obviously I’m being picky here, and it may take you a year or so to get the right body, but trust me, if you want to disappear, it’s really the only way.
After you’ve dug up the body, no one will notice it’s gone for a long time – if at all. The ground was freshly churned anyways. The dead rarely get dug up unless they need to investigate the body. This is rare, and you’ll probably be fine. Just investigate the life of the person you’re extracting, and if you’ve covered your tracks, it’ll be alright.
Now that you have your stand in, you’ll need to modify it. For those of you weak in the stomach, you might want to skip this paragraph. You’ll need to remove the identifying marks. Not the fingertips, we’re burning those later. The teeth are the most important. I’m sure you’ve been to the dentist, so you’ll have dental records. This is the only way they’ll be able to identify the body, so you’ll need to eliminate them. There’s really only one believable way that I can think of, and that’s to get your/their face caught in a mangling device such as a wood chipper or any device that will destroy teeth. Teeth don’t really burn well unless the fire is really hot, so you'll have to make sure their mostly destroyed. As for DNA, it won’t be an issue unless you’ve left DNA somewhere that’s readily available, in which case you’re screwed.
Now, another glitch that you're going to have is that the body has been through the embalming process. That means you're going to need to get all the Formaldhyde out, and some bodily organs in. It's a hassle, but it's a lot easier than trying to a body fully intact. The morgue keeps good track of the deceased. I suggest getting a little help from an online medical doctor site on how to best go about this. I have no idea where the organs go. Plus, you'll need blood to make it look real. (Hey, I'm a writer - I know very little about the embaliming process.) If this is all too complicated for, like it is for me, murder is the next best option. Just snatch someone that looks like you off the street. The upside to this method, it that they'll have ID that kind of looks like you. This brings us to the plan. It doesn’t matter how you died, as long as the teeth are eliminated. Now that you’re dead, you’ll need to have a reason as to why the body is burned. Burning is important because you want the body to be hard to identify. Aparently burning the body doesn't really do too much other than melt skin unless it's 3000 degrees, so you'll have to do a pre-disfiguration just to be safe.While you were doing whatever it is you were doing when your face was mangled, you started a pot of coffee. Make sure there are many flammable things around the coffee maker – paper towels, napkins, oven mitts and so forth. This will be the cause of the fire. Many new coffee makers have an auto turn off feature. Purchase one at a garage sale that you know is unsafe to have in your home.
The beauty of the coffee maker plan, is that you can set it up and than leave it. This will give you time to get away. Unfortunately, you also can’t ensure it worked. I suggest watching from a close distance to make sure everything goes up. Don’t use gas, or any accelerator – the fire marshal will be able to tell, and that’s suspicious. You can have flammable household items to help you out, but nothing that you wouldn’t already find in your kitchen or bathroom. Also, set the fire when you think the least amount of people will notice. It’s a fire, so people will notice, but the longer it takes them, the better. Early morning is best because it’s also good evidence that you needed to make coffee.
Now that you’re dead, you need to escape. When you’re dead, your social security and passport are cancelled, so you’ll just need to stay in the country. Pick an area you’d like to disappear in. Small towns are good, because without ID, it’ll be hard to do anything in a major city. Never use your real name. Make up something cool like Jeff McSmashinter, or something of the sort.
And that’s pretty much everything you need to know about faking your own death. Of course you can take a few prized possessions, but nothing drastic. I wouldn’t suggest doing this if you want to see your family again, because if you show up after being dead for thirty years, they’ll hate you. And be scared ****less.
When creating a new life, you’ll need to avoid a few things. The first is paying taxes. Try to get a job that pays under the table, like bartending. You’ll never be able to get a loan, open a bank account, or cash paychecks either, unless you can acquire a fake ID, or by using the murder option, but that’s another How To Guide altogether.
This Guide Is For Entertainment Purposes Only. Not To Be Taken Seriously.