[LMAO!] May Joke Ka Ba? [Archive]

the undertaker

06-07-2009, 08:11 PM

WIFE: i'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in
1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong
ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO
NA!!!

-------------------------------

MISTER: pag namatay ka, isusulat ko sa nitso
mo "MALAMIG NUNG BUHAY, MAS MA LAMIG
NUNG MAMATAY!"
MISIS: Ah ganun?! sa nitso mo naman "SA
WAKAS NANIGAS DIN!"

--------------------------------

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi
nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..

---------------------------

SEXY: Maawa ka! meron ako, meron ako!
RAPIST: AHH! Walang meron-meron sa kin!
TITIKMAN KITAA!!
SEXY: WAG! AY!
RAPIST: Yaakk!! Meron ka nga! Meron kang itlog.
Bakla!

-----------------------------

1st night lola wear see thru dress, lolo didn't
react...
2nd night lola wear t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd nyt lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"

--------------------------------

Juan: b-day ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.

------------------------------

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad says we are
descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!

----------------------------

RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA: we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!

---------------------------

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling
gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong
gigising bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.
__________________

the undertaker

06-07-2009, 08:14 PM

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and hanged-up.

HAVE A NICE WEEK DAYS AHEAD...

the undertaker

06-07-2009, 08:30 PM

Bakit may litrato ng misis ang mga lalake sa wallet? Kasi, kung may problema, tititigan nya at sasabihin sa sarili, "Kung ito nga, nakayanan ko, ibang problema pa kaya!"

Dying husband: I have something to tell you.

Wife: Don't speak, just rest.

Husband: No, I must confess, I had sex with your sister and your best friend. Wife: Sshhh. I know! That's why I poisoned you!

What is the secret of success? "Right Decisions" How do you make right decisions? "Experience" How do you get experience? "Wrong Decisions").

Daughter: Ma, vegetable po ba ang talong o hayop?

Mom: Of course, vegetable. Why?

Daughter: Eh why the secretary always says, "Hayop talaga ang talong mo sir!"

Anak: Inay, ano yung 10 commandments?

Ina: Iyon ang 10 utos ng Diyos.

Anak: Mas mataas po pala kayo sa Diyos.

Ina: Bakit? Anak: Mas marami kayong utos eh!

Tatay: Juan, mag-aral ka ha!

Juan: Ayoko tay, bobo kasi ako. Hindi ako makaintindi.

Tatay: Mag-aral ka nga para makaintindi ka!

Juan: Ayoko nga tay! Bakit hindi ka makaintindi? Bobo ka rin ba tay?!

Anak: Inay, nung nasa bus kami ni papa, sabi nya, i bigay ko inuupuan ko sa dalagang sumakay.

Inay: Tama yun anak.

Anak: Pero inay, nakakandong lang ako kay papa nun!

Isang lola ang naholdap. Lola: Wala akong pera! Holdaper: Alam ko kung nasaan ang pera mo! (sabay pasok ng kamay sa bra ni lola) Lola: Ituloy mo iho, may tseke pa sa ibaba!

Exercise daily keeps your body healthy. Like my lola, she was 75 when started walking 5 miles a day. Now she's 98, and until now, hindi pa umuuwi. Wala ba dyan?

Tumatakbo si Erap galing computer room na sinusundan ng staff: "Sir, bakit ka tumatakbo?" Erap: Tatakas ako, sabi kasi ng computer 'press Ctrl then Escape'.

A man cornered by a lion prayed, "Lord, make this lion a Christian." The lion suddenly knelt down and prayed, "Bless this food which I'm about to receive thru Christ our Lord. Amen."

Learn Japanese. Is this your underwear? - Jakimoto? Speechless - Wasabhe. What are your thoughts? - Kurokuromo? Are you a regular customer? - Sukikaba?

The Israelites saw Goliath and said, "He is so big, we cannot win." David saw Goliath and said, "He is so big, I cannot miss!" Life is a matter of perspective. Good luck!

Songs of married couple: First night: Aray naku! 1-5 years: Araw-araw, gabi-gabi! 6-15 years: Paminsan-minsan. 16-25 years: Sana Kahit Minsan. 26-49 years: Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan? 50 up: Maalaala Mo Kaya?

Doctor: Bukod sa akin, may nauna ka bang kinunsulta sa sakit mo? Pasyente: Sa albularyo ho. Doctor: Anong katarantaduhan ang ipinayo sa iyo? Pasyente: Magpunta daw ako sa inyo!

A kid asked a priest: "Father, besides praying, do you have any other enjoyable past time?" The priest tapped the kid's cheek and calmly replied, "Nun, my child, nun."

MaD vEiN

06-07-2009, 09:26 PM

This one i posted recently:

There was a girl with no arms and no legs "sitting" upright on the beach. One extremely buff guy playing catch with a football accidentally ran by and kicked sand in her face.

Extremely apologetic, the man said "I'm so so sorry, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

Sounding somewhat nervous and shy, the girl said, "well, I've never been hugged before... do you think you could give me a hug."

The man, more than happy enough to do so, gave the girl a hug. Before he could leave, the girl said, "Oh, uhmmm.. I've never been kissed before either, do you think you could give me a kiss?"

Somewhat hesitant, the man leaned down and gave the girl a kiss on the cheek.

About to leave, the girl began to speak once more. "I'm really sorry, but I was wondering, if uhmm... well... I've never been fuc/ked before, do you think you could fuc/k me?"

The man walked over, picked her up, chucked her in the ocean and yelled "you're fuc/ked!"

SLIMZ

06-07-2009, 09:31 PM

(courtesy of prof)...:D

a farmer bought an automatic milking machine for his cow, a portable pump with a glass suction and an indicator how many liters of milk it has sucked. curious & kinky, he tried it and in his "thing" and was very satisfied with the results. but when he tried to remove the machine, it was stucked. further reading the label, it indicated "AUTO-RELEASE AFTER 1 LITER"....

yeks

06-08-2009, 04:31 AM

MADRE: Nagtampisaw po ako sa batis ng kasalanan dahil sa tawag ng laman

MADRE SUPERIOR: Bakit nasabi mo yon?

MADRE: Si Father po! Sinabi nya po sa akin na ang pinto sa langit ay nasa pagitan ng aking hita at ang susi ay nasa kanya kaya ipinasok niya ang SUSIsa aking PINTO..

MADRE SUPERIOR: Ha? Si Father? Tarantadong Pari! Susi pala yon? Sabi nya sa akin yon ay trumpeta ni San Gabriel. Isang buong taon nyang pinaturotot sa akin!!

:lol1:

yeks

06-08-2009, 04:45 AM

Juan: mga pare! yung asawa ko,
favorite movie niya yung "Lord of the Rings
the TWO towers" at sakto,
kambal ang anak namin..!

Santiago: wala ka sa asawa ko!
favorite nya yung "the THREE musketeers"
at sakto, triplets ang anak namin..!!

nagtatawanan ang dalawa nang
mapansin nila si Pedro..

Juan: Pedro! bakit parang balisa
ka? Di ba manganganak na din
ang misis mo?

Pedro: eh meron kasing
favorite movie yung misis ko,
kinakabahan ako...

Santiago: anong movie ba yun?

Pedro: 300..!!
:D

yeks

06-08-2009, 04:47 AM

Si juan nagpatingin sa doktor..

Doc: Ano problema?
Juan: pAkicheck nga po itong ari ko.
Doc: Ok maghubo ka para makita ko.

Nang makita ng doctor, napatawa ng malakas. Dahil sinlaki lang ito ng AAA na battery..

Juan: Asan po ang code of ethics nyo?! Di dapat pinagtatawanan ang kapansanan ng isang pasyente!
Doc: (ahem...tried to recover) Sori sori, di na mauulit. Ano nga ba ulit ang problema?
Juan: Eto nga po...................

Namamaga........

bwahahahahahahaha:lol1:

thurrmac

06-08-2009, 05:15 AM

" i was bitten by your ****in pitbull last night why the hell your sign says beware of cat? asked manoy, oh my cathy bit you!!! pedro exclaimed."

Bogler

06-08-2009, 10:33 AM

pano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba sya ng padaplis lang?

"miss.. ang kinis ng kutis mo. ano lotion mo, Mang Tomas?"

Makavelli

06-08-2009, 01:03 PM

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>
>
> A half-gallon of 2% milk
>
> A carton of eggs
>
> A quart of orange juice
>
> A head of romaine lettuce
>
> A 2 lb. can of coffee
>
> A 1 lb. package of bacon
>
>
>
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check
> out, a drunk standing
> behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
> cashier.
>
>
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
> calmly stated,
> "You must be single."
>
>
> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
> intrigued by the
> derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
>
>
> I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
> particularly unusual
> about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
> my marital status.
>
>
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you
> know what, you're
> absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
>
>
>
> The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

yeks

06-08-2009, 08:47 PM

pacman777

06-08-2009, 08:52 PM

may mag shota nag halikan. eh bad breath ang lalake. napa isip ang babae anu ang sabi niya?

answer: patay ka sakin mamaya ako babawi pag kinain mo ang pekpek ko.

dude that's fu*king nasty, not funny at all lolz

pacman777

06-08-2009, 08:57 PM

Manila Mafia

06-08-2009, 09:39 PM

tanong: anong decision sa boxing ang pinakamababa
Sagot: Unanomous Decision

:crazy::crazy::crazy:

GoAltYourFace

06-08-2009, 10:05 PM

My Dearest Son,

Medyo mabagal akong magsulat ngayon dahil alam ko na mabagal kang magbasa. Nandito kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na bahay pero hindi ko maibibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi sila magpapalit ng address. Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw naman nung pangalawa. Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad ng nabili kong shampoo dahil ayaw bumula. Nakasulat kasi sa labas ay FOR DRY HAIR kaya hindi ko binasa ang buhok ko paggamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako. Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil sa ayaw bumukas ng padlock. Naksulat kasi ay YALE, aba eh namalat na ako sa kakasigaw ay hindi pa rin bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako dun sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala nila ay hindi ko alam ng SIGAW ang tagalog ng YALE! Mayroon nga pala akong nabili dito na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa DHL, medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang mga butones kaya ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga butones at inilagay ko sa mga bulsa. Ikabit mo na lang pagdating diyan. Nagpadala na din ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto kong maging anonymous donor. Ang kapatid mo nga palang si Jude ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao na under sa kanya. Nagugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa Memorial Park. Ok naman yun kita above minimum ang sahod. Wala akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas

Love,

Papa

PS

Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na yun envelope. Next time na lang

IGoRoTak™

06-08-2009, 10:26 PM

Dear Ate Charo,

isang gabiing umuulan,. katatapos ko Lang maligo
tanging tuwalya lang saplot ko
pumasok ako sa kwarto ko at naupo sa harap ng salamin

pumasok din si itay at agad ni lock ang pintuan

lumapit xa sa akin at hinaplos niya ang buhok ko

di ako makapagsalita at napapikit na lang at lumuha...
hinaplos niya ang buong mukha ko...

namulat n lang ako n gumaganda ako......marunong mag make-up si itay..!!!!!

umamin xa na bading sya at nag iyakan kami dahil naging open sya

mas magugustuhan ako ngayon ng BF ko>>>>>

nagmamahal;

JUNIOR.........

pacman777

06-09-2009, 01:57 AM

ahahahha green k'd

cynthia0305

06-09-2009, 04:46 AM

mabuhay ang mga pinoy..the best pag joke na ang pinag uusapan..hehehe

SLIMZ

06-09-2009, 06:47 AM

steve was very attracted to his fiance's younger sister. many times when he pays her fiance a visit at home, he would notice her fiance's younger sister staring at him making sensual expression in her face.

the moment arrived when he & her fiance announced the date of their marriage, his fiance's sister approached him and whispered "this will be the last time you'll be a free man. i'm happy that you'll be marrying my sister, can i have a request one last time and make it up with me in my room?" then his future sister in law went up in her room and give him one last inviting look.

all of a sudden, steve rushed from the house and went outside towards his car. then he saw her future in-laws together with his fiance crying in tears saying "son, you truly are amazing. you manage to fight a temptation and we're very proud that you'll be marrying my daughter!"

lesson of the story: ALWAYS BRING A CONDOM IN YOUR CAR

the undertaker

06-09-2009, 11:07 AM

ANG BUHAY NI BOY BASTOS

bago pa man nabuo si boy...

Sperm 1: Pare, maghanda na tayo! Malapit na tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: Oo nga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: Ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!...
Sperm 2: BALIK!!! TAE! TAE! TAE!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sumunod na oras....

Sperm 1: Pare, maghanda na tayo! Malapit na uli tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: Oo nga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: Ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!...
Sperm 2: BALIK!!!! TONSIL! TONSIL! TONSIL!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

at sa sumunod pa...

Sperm 1: Pare, maghanda na tayo! Malapit na uli tayong lumabas!
Sperm 2: Oo nga pare. 1, 2! 1, 2!
Sperm 1: Ayan na pare lalabas na tayo! SUGOOOOOOOD!
*splat!* condom...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sa kabutihang palad ay nabuo rin si boy. at di nagtagal...

Nanay: Honey!!! Oras na! Manganganak na ako!!!
Tatay: Talaga honey? O teka lang! Wag kang g@g@law!
(biglang naghubad si tatay at ipinasok nya ang kanyang batutoy sa batutay ni nanay)
Nanay: Honey! Anong ginagawa mo???
Tatay: Basta! Akong bahala! ANAK! KUMAPIT KA! KUMAPIT KA!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hindi umepekto ang "delivering the baby" style ni tatay, so dinala si nanay sa ospital...

Doc: Ayan ho Mrs., Nakalabas na ang ulo ng anak nyo!
(nabigla si doc ng)
Boy: Hoy! Ikaw ba tatay ko?
Doc: Hindi! Hindi ako ang tatay mo! Nurse halika dito dali!
(nang dumating ang lalaking nurse)
Boy: Hoy! Ikaw ba tatay ko?
Nurse: Naku! Hindi ako ang tatay mo! Teka tatawagin ko sya!
(nang dumating si tatay)
Boy: Hoy! Ikaw ba tatay ko?
Tatay: Oo anak! Ako nga!
(sinundot-sundot and noo ng tatay)
BOY: Masarap ba yan ha?!? MASARAP?!?

lumipas ang mga taon at medyo lumaki-laki na rin si boy...

(nakita ni boy na jumijingle ang tatay nya)
Boy: Tay ano yang hawak mo?
Tatay: Ah, ito, anak, ano, kwan, ah, hotdog to anak!
Boy: Ah hotdog ba? Kala ko ****.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

kinagabihan...

(nakita ni boy na dinidilaan ng nanay nya ang betlog ng tatay nya)
Boy: Nay, anong ginagawa mo?
Nanay: Ah, anak, kumakain lang ako ng bola-bola.
Boy: Antakaw mo naman nay! May bola-bola ka na nga, may lumpia ka pa!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

kinabukasan...

(sinilipan ni boy ang labandera)
Boy: Haha! Ale! Nakita ko ang panty mo kulay itim!
Labandera: Anong itim?
(tingin sa baba)
Labandera: Ay! p***ng inang mga langaw!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

nagtanong ang nanay ni boy sa kanya...

Nanay: Anak bat ayaw mong magpaligo sa yaya mo?
Boy: E kasi nakakatakot sya! Nakita ko kahapon nung pinapaliguan nya si itay...
Nanay: O anong nakakatakot dun?
Boy: Eh...nangang@g@t ng **** e!

kausap ni boy ang kanyang kalarong babae...

Boy: Uy, nene, laro tayo ng "wag wag"
Nene: Anong "wag wag"?
Boy: Ganito lang...maghubad ka tapos papatong ako sayo...tapos isisigaw mo, "wag! wag!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

nag-uusap si boy at ang tatay nya...

Tatay: Boy, anong gusto mong gawin paglaki mo?
Boy: Parang ginagawa mo tay!
Tatay: Ang galing naman ng anak ko! Gusto ring mag-abogado!
Boy: Hindi tay! gusto ko ring tumira ng katulong!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

di nagtagal ay pumasok na si boy sa eskuwelahan at di rin nagtagal ay nakilala na sya bilang boy bastos...

Teacher: Class, ang g@g@win natin ay, magsasabi ako ng letter at magsasabi kayo ng word na nag-uumpisa dito. Okay, letter a!
Boy: Mam ako! mam!
Teacher: Ayoko sayo bastos ka e...okay, nene?
Nene: Mam apple!
Teacher: Very good! Next letter b!
Boy: Mam! Ako mam! Ayoko sayo bastos ka e...
(hanggang sa napagod na si boy)
Teacher: Ok, letter z! O sige na nga boy, letter z. Alam ko na ngayon eh wala ka ng masasabing bastos.
Boy: Mam zebra.
Teacher: Very good!
Boy: Ganito kalaki ****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

kumakain ng mani si boy...

Boy: Nene, gusto mo ng mani?
Nene: Ayoko, tinitigyawat ako sa mani e...
Boy: Ah ganon ba? Ako sa mukha.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

crush ni boy si nene kaya di nya ito tinitigilan...

(sinisiko ni boy si nene)
Nene: Mam! Si boy o! Sinisiko ako!
Teacher: Boy bastos! Alam mo bang masakit ang maniko?
Boy: E mam, bat pa kayo pumasok?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

di naglaon ay ikinasal rin sina boy at nene...

(sa honeymoon)
Boy: o nene, mag ano na tayo!
Nene: Sorry boy ha? Meron ako ngayon e.
Boy: Lang ya naman o...sa pwet nalang!
Nene: Boy nagtatae rin ako e.
Boy: Bad trip...sa bibig?
Nene: Inuubo ako e... Ahem! Ahem!
Boy: Puuuutang ina wag mong sabihing may sipon ka rin?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lumipas ang mga taon at naging pulis si boy at sa complaint desk sya naka-assign...

Babae: Ser, tulungan nyo ho ako...ginahasa ho ako! huhuhu...
Boy: Isalaysay mo sa akin ang nangyari iha...yung detalyado ha?
Babae: Opo...hinoldap po ako ng isang mama, tapos po ay dinala nya ako sa isang liblib na lugar. dun po ay inumpisahan nya akong hubaran at sinalat po nya ang aking...
Boy: TAMA NA! TAMA NA! Sa kabila ka na mag file ng complaint!
Babae: Bakit ho ser?
Boy: Tinitigasan na ako!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

nagka-anak sina boy at nene, isang lalaki at isang babae. binata't dalaga na sila...

Nene jr.: Tay, peram naman ng kotse o...
Boy: Sige pero isang kondisyon. Mag-ano muna tayo.
Nene jr.: Tay meron ako ngayon e. Blowjob nalang kita.
Boy: O sige.
(pagkatapos ng blowjob)
Nene jr.: Tay, ba't lasang tae yung etits nyo?
Boy: Ah ganon ba? Hiniram kasi ng kuya mo kanina yung kotse e!

the undertaker

06-09-2009, 11:24 AM

nagpunta sa doktor si boy...

Boy: Dok, yung anak kong lalaki may aids. Nakuha nya ata sa katulong namin.
Dok: Naku mahirap yan.
Boy: Dok, mahirap nga kasi pati ako ina-ano ko rin si inday e.
Dok: Naku mahirap nga yan.
Boy: Oo nga dok. At ang masama pa nito ay na-ipasa ko na sa misis ko!
Dok: Tang-ina-pare! Ibig sabihin meron na tayong lahat!

Hindi nagtagal sa pagiging pulis si Boy at nagtrabaho na lang sa
isang restaurant bilang isang waiter. Habang kinukuha ang order ng
isang customer, natabig ng customer ang kutsara niya. Agad namang
dumukot sa kanyang bulsa si Boy Bastos ng kutsara sa bulsa niya.
Nabilib ang customer.

Customer: Astig ah! Lahat ba kayong waiter dito, merong kutsarang
ready sa bulsa?

Boy Bastos: Opo. Meron kasi kaming "efficiency expert" dito. Sabi
niya, 23.6% ng mga customer, natatabig ang mga kutsara. Para
makatipid sa oras ng lakad, meron na kaming ready na kutsara sa bulsa.

Natapos nang kumain ang customer at kinuha niya na ang chit niya.
Napansin niyang merong nakalabas na tali mula sa zipper ni Boy Bastos.

Customer: Bakit ka merong tali diyan sa zipper mo?

Boy Bastos: Lahat kaming waiter dito, merong ganyan. Nakakabit yan sa
ari namin, para pag-iihe kami, hindi na namin kailangang hawakan para
ilabas. Sabi kasi nung "efficiency expert" namin, 15.6% ng oras ang
nauubos sa pag-hugas ng kamay pagkagaling sa CR.

Customer: Matanong ko lang, pa'no mo ibinabalik yung ari mo sa
pantalon?

Boy Bastos: Ewan ko lang sa ibang waiter ha, pero ako ginagamit ko
yung kutsara.

the undertaker

06-09-2009, 12:01 PM

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...

( You MUST read them out loud)

1) That's not right .........................
Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............
Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP................................
Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ................................
Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ...............................
Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ..................
Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ..............
Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ..............
Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ....................
Wai So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet .............
Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone ..................
No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ...
Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight ...................
Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile .............
Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive ..............
Yu Stin Ki Pu

yeks

06-11-2009, 03:30 AM

a boy wrote a letter to his mom

"dear ma, dont look for me.i'm living now with sarah.she's 27 and her baby is 9months old. i know im just 15 but i really loved her. ma, i want you to know that we're ok i'm selling marijuana & she's selling her body in order for us to lived. we wish there's already cure for aids so we will be fine. by the way ma, she aborted our baby she said we can always make another one.im sorry i wasn't able to personally say goodbye."

P.S ma, joke lang andito lang ako sa kapitbahay...bili mo na kase ako ng PSP.... :D:D

:haha:

happy_man

06-11-2009, 11:38 AM

isang bading naglalakad, nadaanan niya isang loro
LORO: pangit! pangit! pangit!
napikon ang bading at sinakal ang loro

BADING: kapag narinig ko pa sayong pangit ako, kakatayin na kitang loro ka.

kinabukasan pag daan ng bading

LORO: hmmm alam mo na yun! alam mo na yun! :D

happy_man

06-12-2009, 01:59 PM

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

******************************
Ano ang pagkain?
Mister: Ano ang pagkain natin?
Misis: Nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
Mister: Isang pirasong tuyo? ano pagpipilian ko?
Misis: Pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!

*************************
IDD call from US:
Husband: Hon, musta ang tindahan?
Wife: Department store na!
Husband: Ang tuba-an?
Wife: KTV bar na!
Husband: Ang mga tri-sikad?
Wife: Taxi na!
Husband: Ang dalawa kong anak?
Wife: Lima na!

************************
Nirape...
Maid: Ma'm, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi...
Madam: Bakit di ka sumigaw?
Maid: Eh, akala ko po si Sir, pero nung makadalawa, nagduda na ako!

**********************
Mayaman - Mahirap
Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

happy_man

06-12-2009, 02:08 PM

WIFE DEFINED

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.

*******************
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a
coin; they just can't face each other, but still they
stay together.

*******************
Woman inspires us to great things,
and prevents us from achieving them.

*******************
I had some words with my wife,
and she had some paragraphs with me.

********************
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We
take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little
candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

**********************
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even
faster than electronic banking. It's called
marriage."

**********************
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first
one left me, and the second one didn't."

**********************
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

**********************
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once...

**********************
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

**********************
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred
letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

**********************
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

happy_man

06-12-2009, 02:10 PM

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, when you die and go to heaven...which part of your
body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, I think it's your hands.

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?

Suzy replied, because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first.

What a wonderful answer the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, I think it is your legs.
Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said, well, I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
Oh God, I'm coming.

If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.

the undertaker

06-13-2009, 05:05 PM

Battle of the Brainless

Host: What “N” (narra) is the national tree of the Philippines?
Contestant: Niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

Host: Saan “B” (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter “L” (Luneta).
Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, “R.P.” ang initials ng modern name
nito. (Rizal Park).
Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

Host: Saan “B” (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!

Host: Anong “L” (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw
ay nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant : Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya “boy” at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

Host: Anong “S” (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat
upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?

Host: What “S” (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter “A”.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong
pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa “S”,
nagtatapos sa letrang “A”, at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?
Contestant: Si…Sharon Cuneta!

Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia?
Contestant: Carole KING?
Host: Hindi, ASIA nga eh! Mas mababa sa king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?
Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung
kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue, may
initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa “Y”.
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!

Host: Ano ang Pambansang Hayop ng PiLipinas? Naguumpisa sa letrang K (kalabaw).
Contestant: KUTO?
Host: MaLi! Nagtatapos sa letrang W!
Contestant: KUTOW?
Host: MaLi! KatuLong ng magsasaka sa pagbungkaL ng Lupa!
Contestant: KUTONG LUPA!
Host: Hay nako! O sige, may sungay ito!
Contestant: Ahhh!!!! Alam ko na! DEMONYONG KUTO?

Host: Dugtungan ang mga sumusunod na pangungusap (fill in the blank). Clue, starts with the letter “C” (cat). “You’re nothing but a second rate. Trying hard, copy ____”.
Contestant: Cuneta? “You’re nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copy Cuneta?”.
Host: Hinde, madalas ito ang dahilan sa ang mga bata ay nagkakasakit dahil sa kanyang mga balahibo.
Contestant: Corikong? “You’re nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copy Corikong?”.
Host: Hinde sabi, Madalas ay pagala-gala sa mga kalye at sa kalsada.
Contestant: Cop? “You’re nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copy Cop?”.
Host: Hinde, ito’y madalas hinahabol ng aso.
Contestant: Cartero? “You’re nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copy Cartero?”.

IGoRoTak™

06-15-2009, 02:52 AM

CENSUS: mrs. ilan po anak nyo?

BABAE: 13 ho!

CENSUS: dami pala, hindi po ba kayo gumagamit ng
condom, pills, rythm o widrawal?

BABAE:ay hindi ho...

TITI LANG TALAGA....HEHEHE

pacman777

06-20-2009, 05:14 AM

need more jokes...

pacman777

06-20-2009, 05:51 AM

Puntoyhauf

06-21-2009, 12:10 PM

maraming salamat po sa mga jokes mga tol... tawa ng tawa asawa ko.

sana marami pa... classic si boy bastos..hahaha!

JuDaZ13th

06-21-2009, 03:06 PM

d best yung WAg-Wag na laro nina boy bastos at nene hahahaha :D

the undertaker

06-21-2009, 07:16 PM

d best yung WAg-Wag na laro nina boy bastos at nene hahahaha :D

At 4 yrs. old. BOY BASTOS:

Nay, pano po ba talaga ako ginawa
NANAY: Ah, eh kasi bigay ka ng langit.
BOY BASTOS: Ang taas ng langit ah! Buti umabot ang tit* sa inyo!

BOY BASTOS see’s a nude girl.
BOY BASTOS: Lord, close my eyes.
Girl nears Boy Bastos.
BOY BASTOS: Lord, close my eyes!
Girl sits on Boy Bastos’ lap.
BOY BASTOS: Lord, my eyes!
Girl grabs Boy Bastos’ dick.
BOY BASTOS: Lord, close YOUR eyes!

the undertaker

06-21-2009, 07:17 PM

Q: What’s the similarity between a vendo machine and Monica Lewinsky?
A: Both have slots that says: Insert BILL here —>

Q: Why should we not pass judgement on Monica Lewinsky?
A: Because "napasubo lang siya!"

Q: Pano mo malalaman kung yung manok sa palengke ay lalake o babae?
LALAKE> TITImbangin
BABAE> KIKIluhin

Q: Anong mangyayari kay Tweety Bird kapag uminom siya ng Viagra?
A: Magiging Big Bird

Q: Anong mangyayari kay Felix the Cat kapag uminom ng Viagra?
A: Eh di magiging Felix BAKAT!

Q: Anong mangyayari kay Kermit the Frog kapag uminom ng Viagra?
A: Eh di magiging PALAKA-NTOT!

the undertaker

06-21-2009, 07:17 PM

Anong tunog ng falling rock?
BLAG!
Ano naman ang tunog ng falling water?
WOOSH!
Eh ano naman ang tunog ng falling pubic hair?
PWE!

How can you tell when a woman is not wearing any underwear?
ANSWER: By the dandruff on her shoes.

Anong tawag sa maliit na goat?
KAPIRANGGOAT!

Eh sa maliit na cat?
CATITING!

Eh sa maliit na duck?
PANDUCK!

Ano naman ang tawag sa maliit na dick?
BUTITI!

Q: Ano ang difference ng BADING at CANNIBAL?
A: Ang CANNIBAL kumakain ng KA-URI, ang BADING kumakain ng KA-ARI!

Q: Paano namatay si Capt. Hook?
A: Nangati itl*g niya at kinamot!

the undertaker

06-21-2009, 07:21 PM

An accountant asked ERAP what a BALANCE SHEET IS.
ERAP answered - IT COMES OUT AFTER A BALANCE DIET.

EPORTER: Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?
ERAP: I'm totally against it!
REPORTER: Baket po?
ERAP: Napakarami namang motel diyan, baket kelangan sa movies pa?

AIZA - IQ – 135 Promil user till Age 5
RYAN – IQ – 140 Promil user till age 7
JINGGOY – IQ – UNSTABLE - Promil overdose
ERAP – LOW IQ – Promil user until now. Still no progress.

Scenario: Nasusunog ang Malacanang!
Guard: Mr. President dito po ang daan sa fire exit.
Erap: Gago, diyan nga dadaan ang apoy, eh!

NEWSFLASH: Assassination attempt on ERAP failed. The president was shot in the head with a .45 caliber but survived dahil walang utak na tinamaan.

A teacher went up to Erap because he wanted to test Erap's IQ.
Teacher: Erap, can you spell defense?
Erap: Aba naman, oo!!! D-E-F-E-N-S-E!!!
T: Aba, tama ho! E, defeat?
E: Aba naman... kadali-dali! D-E-F-E-A-T!!!
T: Naku, President Erap! Ang galing niyo naman! E, how about detail?
E: D-E-T-A-I-L!
T: Naku, President Erap! Ang dami-daming nagkamali tungkol sa inyo ha! Eh ang tali-talino niyo pala! O, ito, last question ko sayo. Gamitin mo and defense, defeat and detail in a sentence.
E: The cow just over DEFENSE, first DEFEAT then DETAIL.

ERAP: Nakakahiya!
JINGGOY: Bakit Dad?
ERAP: Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko do'n, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!

DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples
ERAP: I am a bit in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?

the undertaker

06-21-2009, 07:27 PM

Erap heard a guy at a nearby table saying "All Filipinos are assholes."
Erap: Who said that?
(The guy stood up, 7 ft. pala!)
Guy: Why, are you a Filipino?
Erap: No, I'm an asshole.

Q: Why does Erap like a BMW better than a Volkswagen?
A:He can spell BMW.

Q: How do you confuse Erap?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: Why was the Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only sixmonths?
A: The box said "2 to 4 years!"

Q: If Erap and Cory are tossed off a building, who hits the ground
first?
A: Cory... Erap has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Q: What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
A: He moved.

Doctor: What happened to your 2 red ears?
Erap: I was ironing and the phone rang, I picked up the iron instead.
Doctor: Oh dear! What happened to your other ear?
Erap: That sonuvab*tch called back!

Q: Why did Erap instruct his maid to change his baby's diaper only once a month?
A: Because it says right on the package that it's good for up to 20 pounds.

Q: Why doesn't Erap eat Jell-O?
A: Because he can't figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did Erap always wear condoms on his ears every time he has sex?
A: So he wouldn't get hearing aids.

Erap: Isasauli ko tong nabili kong VHS tape.
Clerk: Anong problema?
Erap: Walang picture tsaka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata.
Clerk: Anong title?
Erap: Head Cleaner.

Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the Malacañang palace without his clothes on.
Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!

Erap's wisdom:
1. Don't judge a book if you're not a judge.
2. Birds of the same feathers are the same birds.
3. Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you mine.
4. An apple a day is 7 apples a week.

Q: Why does Erap always smile during lightning storms?
A: He thinks his picture is being taken.

Q: Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: How can you tell when Erap sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why can't Erap dial 911?
A: He can not find the eleven on the phone!

Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!

Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.

Q: Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: How can you tell when Erap sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why can't Erap dial 911?
A: He can not find the eleven on the phone!

Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!

Erap, who is tired of being thought of as dumb, disguised himself with beard and sunglasses. To prove his point, he goes to a sheep ranch and asks the sheep herder if he can guess the number of sheep in his herd, can he have one?
The herder says "Go ahead". He looks at the herd and says, "352 sheep". The sheep herder is amazed and said to pick any sheep he wanted.
As Erap is ready to leave the sheep herder says, "If I can guess who you are, can I have my dog back"?

the undertaker

06-21-2009, 07:36 PM

Erap's resignation letter

Repablic of the phillipines
Oficce of the President

January 20, 2001

Dear Pilipinos,

I was very very sadenned by the fuct that some people were pointing accusations to me. As par as I know, my consience is clear, all of their accusations are very wrong. I have no direk inbolbment on jueteng, I never violating any constitution lawses and I never corrupted the government. All of my wealth came from my gambling winnings, the Boracay mansion was a gift to me by Lucio Tan, sabi ko babayaran ko na lang pag nag-remit na ang bingo2 balls. Kaso ayaw naman ni Singson, tanginang Luis yan, sinabit pa ako. Eh may parte din naman sya eh.

Okay, okay. I have many lots of girls around in me, well what can I do? Loi is not beutyfull isnt right? It is indid very alarming for my family because they think what will happened to them if I was resign. Saan na ako kukuha ng pang-suporta sa mga anak ko ngayon? Paano na si Jude? Hindi pa nga sya natatapos sa sex transplant nya, Pinababawi ko nga ang binigay nyang Starex van kay Mickey Ferriols. Para pambili ng mga gamot nya.

Lintik na Loi yan, pilit na nagpapaganda mukha pa rin naman tuta. Buti pa si Laarni nasa Singapore na sya. Samantalang ako hangga ngayon wala pa ring Passport papuntang Singapore, pang-USA lang kasi yung binigay nila sa akin, Wala kasi akong colored 1x1 na black and white ang background, merun ba nun? colored tapos black and white ang background. Gods must be crazzy!

Paano na rin si Jinggoy? hindi na sya makapambabae nyan, pangit pa naman sya, wala ng papatol sa kanya dahil naubos na yung perang bibigay sa kanya ni Singson. Ayaw ko sanang mag-resign dahil sa EDSA People power na yan, nung 1986 hindi naman ako nag-resign ah. Sabi kasi ni pareng Ed Angara, okey lang na hindi muna ako mag-resign dahil di pa sya sumusweldo sa akin, wala pa kasi syang 1 month tapos mawawalan na agad sya ng trabaho. Pinabubuksan ko nga sana yung second embelop para wala ng problema, kaso huli na daw. Ito kasing si Tessie wala naman syang alam kung ano ang laman ng embelop na yun, sumayaw-sayaw pa sya, ganun din ang steps nya pag nag bo-ballroom kami.

Basta ang alam ko ang laman nun, picture ni John Osmena yun na naka-bikini nung sumali sya sa Ms. Gay Cebu, tsaka picture din nina Tessie Oreta at Nikki Coseteng na nakikipag-sex kasama si Jay Manalo nung shawer party ni Jackie, at mga grades ko sa Ateneo, na hiningi ng PCIBank nung mag-open ako ng account, kaya ang ginamit kong pangalan Jose Velarde na lang, at syanga pala kasama din dun yung tanatago kong MENTAL records ni Miriam, tinatago ko kasi alam ni Cory na sira-ulo si Miriam. Kundi ba naman siya sira ulo papanig ba sa akin yan.

Pero may pag-asa pa ako...si Ping Lacson, kahit kunwari bumaligtad yun, hindi pa rin sya makakatakas sa akin, subukan lang nya. Ibubulgar ko yung pinag-hatian naming pera na nakuha sa KURATONG-BALELENG.

So I resign as the president of this republic of the pihillipines. This is for the country. Bahala na kung mabubuhay pa kami.

Paalam sa aking mga kaibigan na naging kaaway: Singson ! sabay tayong makukulong! Jaworski ! hindi ka naman marunong mag-basketball talaga, idol pa naman kita pero sabi ng misis mo dribol ka lang daw di ka raw marunong mag-shoot. Orly Mercado ! bahala ka sa buhay mo ! duwag ka naman e, ayaw mo ngang magpunta sa Mindanao para kunin yung parte ko sa ransom money ! Alfredo Lim di na kita panonoorin sa KATAPAT, bulol ka naman e, ibubulgar ko na hindi naman puti ang buhok mo....kundi balakubak ! Nora Aunor ! tarantadong tyanak ka ! kundi ko pa alam. Type mo lang si Mickey Arroyo kaya ka sumali sa EDSA. Bong Revilla! Totoy gwapo ah...pwe! Ang laki naman ng tyan mo! Ibubulgar ko kay Lani Mercado... may anak ka kay Gretchen Barreto! At ikaw ang tunay na ama ni ARA MINA.

Paalam......
Kay Josephine..anak din naman kita...kaya lang di ko kilala nanay mo.
Kay Cardinal Sin....mabitay ka na sana.
Kay Cory....type mo lang si Raul Roco kasi kamuha sya ni NINOY.
Kay Anabel Rama...ang sarap pala ni Ruffa...lasang Hollywood talaga.

PS: Pareng ATONG, magkita na lang tayo sa Casino ni pareng Lucio.

IGoRoTak™

06-21-2009, 11:12 PM

Wasari
Amusar
Bikolum
de Amunar
Talaspaku
Amunar
hom ir
de pekre
al madukarar

HOM!!HOM!!!

PURAN!!!

binasa mo??????

ORASYON YAN!!!!

PAMPALIIT NG TITI......HAHAHAHA

IGoRoTak™

06-21-2009, 11:39 PM

"HINDI LAHAT NG SEX VIDEO NI DR. HAYDEN KHO AY NAIPALABAS NA.
YUNG SA AMIN HiNDI PA"

-ALING DIONISIA

peace manny

yeks

06-22-2009, 08:56 PM

Isang ale pumara ng tricycle...

Ale: Sa kabilang kanto lang po.

Tricycle Driver: Kayo lang ba ang sasakay?

Ale: Eh ikaw? Hindi ka ba sasama?

:haha:

yeks

06-24-2009, 04:57 AM

JINGOY: TAY MAY URINE TEST AKO NATATAKOT AKO ANO GAGAWIN KO???

ERAP: TANG@ EDI MAG REVIEW KA BOB0!!!

:haha:

Puntoyhauf

06-24-2009, 10:06 AM

JINGGOY: Tay, bakit ka ganyan maglakad?

ERAP: ah eh, mataas kasi ang cholesterol level ko.

JINGGOY: huh?

ERAP: sabi ng doktor ko e "IWAS MUNA DAW AKO SA ITLOG"

Puntoyhauf

06-24-2009, 10:11 AM

ALING DIONISIA: Manny anak, sana naman sa susunod na anak nyo ni Jinkee e isama nyo naman ang pangalan ko sa pangalan ng baby.

MANNY: Huh, nay pwede wag na lang kasi balak namin pangalan ko at ni Jinkee pagsamahin e. Parang sablay ang pangalan ng anak ko pag kasama ka.

ALING DIONISIA: EH BAKET!?

MANNY: ok ba yung "DIOMANJI"?

^FoX

06-24-2009, 02:12 PM

Nice jokes more more more :D

IGoRoTak™

06-24-2009, 09:10 PM

Pinanood nina LOLO at LOLA ang sex video ni hayden kho at katrina halili....

LOLA: walabghiya ka!!!!

(sinundan ng sampal)

LOLO: AraY!!Bakit mo naman ako sinampal???!!!

LOLA: DAmuho ka!!!
Tumanda na tayong ganito, kinakain pala yun??/

Puro ka kadyot!!!Tarantado!!!.....:chairshot

the undertaker

06-26-2009, 08:53 PM

Nice jokes more more more :D

AMBUSH INTERVIEW
Reporter: Sir, sabi ni mam Loi, maliit lang daw ang sa inyo?
Erap: Hindi naman, malaki lang ang bunganga niya!

News Flash: Batman is looking for Erap. According to Batman, it is because Erap walks like a penguin and thinks like a joker.

Dong Puno: Mr. President, may urgent message na dapat ipadala para kay Secretary, ano ang gagawin ko, I-TITI-tex ko ba o I-KIKI-bol?
Erap: Gagoh! i ****s mo para madali.

Miriam: Mr. President, alam mo ba lesbian ako?
Erap: Teka, ano ba ‘yung lesbian?
Miriam: I love to make love to a sexy girl, undress her, kiss her and embrace her.
Erap: Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho tayo ng hilig!

BILL: LET'S HELP ONE ANOTHER
ERAP: TAYOY MAGTULUNGAN
BILL: LET'S STRIVE TOGETHER
ERAP: TAYO'Y MAGSIKAP
BILL: BECAUSE IN UNION THERE IS STRENGTH
ERAP: SAPAGKAT SA SIBUYAS MAY TITIGAS'

the undertaker

06-26-2009, 08:56 PM

Different types of Farter:
PRETENDER: Farts silently then acts innocent.
SHY: Farts softly then smiles.
ARROGANT: Farts loudly then laughs.
UNLUCKY: Tries to fart but shits instead.

Hello? Nariyan ang boss mo?
Secretary: No he’s out, eh in pala, ohh...ahh ... eh out... ohh.. ahhh ...in ...out...yes ..ahhh!

Mga tipo ng babae habang nakikipag-sex:
Submissive – "Bahala ka na, ipasok mo na…"
Enduring – "Aray! Sige pa, kaya ko pa."
Scandalous – "P*tangina mo, sige pa!"
Unsatisfied – "Ano ba `yan? Idiin mo pa kaya, `no?"

TARZAN: Ako baba bayan, bili brief para safe si birdie.
JANE: Bili panty para safe si pussy.
CHITA: Bili condom para safe si Jane.

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath.
When Tarzan took off his clothes, all the animals laughed. When Tarzan asked why, The animals said "Buntot mo pala nasa harap."

DALAWANG LASING ANG SABAY UMIHI.
LASING 1: Pare sobrang tigas ng sa kin. Uuwi na ako yayariin ko muna si misis.
LASING 2: Sasama ako sa yo.
LASING 1: baket?
LASING 2: E, sa kin yang hawak mo e!

Baket natatakot bumaba ang mga babae sa jeep sa kanto ng TINIO ST. sa San Pablo?
ANS: Kasi ang sigaw ng driver "O yung bababa, KANTO TINIO NA!

the undertaker

06-26-2009, 08:58 PM

Reactions to sizes:
10x5: oh shit ang sakit...
8x4 : yes ang sarap
6x4 : ooh perfect
5x3 : uhh..o..k...
4x3 : diin mo pa
3x2 : o pasok na ba?
2x1 : ano yan tutpik?!

Mga katanungan na bumabagabag sa karamihan.
- Ang "A BUGS LIFE" ba life story ni BUGS BUNNY?
- Pwede bang mag softdrinks kapag coffee break?
- Ang Tatoo nga ba ay kasunod ng Ta-one?
- Ang squid balls ba ay talagang balls ng squid?
- Ang tahong ba ay talagang pekpek ng mermaid?

Q: What COFFEE causes Breast Cancer?
A: KAPEpisil
Q: what COFFEE causes Breast Lumps?
A: KAPEpindot

Q: What COFFEE causes Vaginal Irritation?
A: KAPEpinger, SO AVOID COFFEE

Bride back from honeymoon crying:
Bride: Huhuuu...
Friend: Anong nangyari sayo?
Bride: Yung sa asawa ko parang bote.
Friend: E di okay! ang sarap non! ba't ka umiiyak?
Bride: Anong masarap?! Bote ng WHITE FLOWER!!!

Panty colors and what they symbolize:
White- Clean
Pink- Fragrance
Yellow- Sweet taste
Red- Meron
Black- Seductive
Brown- Dirty
Wala- Delicious
Ano ang dapat gawin pag di makatulog ang babae?
E di . . COUNT-TO-TEN! Pag di pa rin makatulog..count to ten ulit! Basta count 2 10 mo nang count 2 10!!!

Scientific names:
Cute - ahkoyansis
Talented - ahkophayansis
Romantic - ahkophariynyansis
Lovable - ahkoulityansis
Pangit - ahihkawnayansis

VAGINAL WASH:
Girl 1: Ang gamit ko shampu, para laging madulas.
Girl 2: Ang gamit ko Fit, para laging ready to eat.
Girl 3: Ako Joy, sang patak, kaya ang sangkatutak.

Bakit masuwerte ang kalendaryo?
Dahil marami siyang date.
Bakit malungkot ang kalendaryo?
Kasi bilang na ang araw niya.

Man's sex organ is good for breakfast according to doctors cuz its a complete meal consisting of mushroom head, hotdog, 2 eggs, and milk to keep women healthy and happy.
Man 1: My wife is crazy with cars. While asleep, holds my dick and says "Primera, Segunda".
Man 2: Mine is worse. While asleep, takes my dick and says "Full tank please."

WIFE: Wala kang kwenta! tamad! Lalayasan na kita!
HUSBAND: Sige, pag iniwan mo ko, maglalaslas ako!
WIFE: ULOL! Magpatuli nga takot ka, maglaslas pa! SUPOT!

Tapos na sina Sir at Inday. Inaalis na ni sir ang condom nang tumili si Inday.
“Aru! Aru!” sigaw ni Inday.
“Bakit, Inday? Hindi ka pa ba nakakita ng sa lalaki?”
“Nakakita na po, sir, pero sa probinsya namo, di gibalatan pagkatapos, aru!”

Magkakapatid ba sina Michael V, Gary V, Ate Vi at Voltes V? Nanay ba nila si Jolli Bee?

GIRL: Huhuhu... kaya mo lang ako pala ako papakasalan dahil sa mamanahin kong kayamanan sa itay ko.
BOY: Hindi labs, papakasalan naman kita kahit hindi sa itay mo nanggaling ang kayamanan.

GIFTED CHILD: First month, he said MAMA, second month he said PAPA, third month he said DEDE YAYA, fourth month he said MAMA PAPA DEDE YAYA!!

Job vacancy: Yaya, 16 – 20 years old with pleasing personality. Single, kahit walang experience. Yaya sa umaga, yaya-rin sa gabi…

yeks

07-02-2009, 01:13 AM

Q: Anong apelyido ni Sisa?
A: Sisa Mistrit

Q: Anong apelyido ni Cedie?
A: Cedie Player

Q: Anong apleyido ni Beast?
A: Beast Kwit

Q: Anong first name ni Nemo?
A: Sarahgero Nemo

Q: Anong apelyido ni Punisher?
A: Punisher Ranno

Q: Anong apelyido ni Denzel?
A: Denzel Weta

Q: Anong apelyido ni Curly?
A: Curly Gazpi

Q: Ano last name ni Anchor?
A: Anchor Tis

Q: Ano last name ni Jewel?
A: Jewel Torre

Q: Ano last name ni Kula?
A: Kula Desma

Q: Ano surname ni Joseph?
A: Joseph Protgam

Q: Anong apelyido ni Aiko?
A: Aiko Zada

Q: Anong apelyido ni Christopher?
A: Christopher Minute

Q: Anong apelyido ni Palito?
A: Palito Lippi

Q: Anong first name ni Keno?
A: Krisa Keno

Q: Ano first name ni Janno?
A: Eduman Janno

Q: Ano first name ni Squall?
A: Piolopa Squall

Q: Ano first name ni Basilio?
A: Lacto Basilio

Q: Ano first name ni Pikachu?
A: Cherrypie Pikachu

Q: Ano first name ni Kenny G?
A: Johnep Kenny G

Q: ano ang first name ni Volta?
A: Johntra Volta

Q: Ano first name ni Diether?
A: Tirso Cruz Diether

4:30 na! ANG TV NA!!! nyee

GoAltYourFace

07-02-2009, 02:24 AM

GoAltYourFace

07-02-2009, 02:30 AM

admu dlsu

Have you ever wondered how you would have fared as either a LaSallite or an Atenean?
Here's your chance to find out! Take either the La Salle Final Exams or the Ateneo Final Exams.
Or take both and find out what makes each one tick.
ATENEO de MANILA UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMINATIONS

Instructions:
Read each question carefully.
Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 4 hours.
Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not
suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15
minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language
except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million
years earlier, with special attention to its probable
effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your
thesis.

5. MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY
Based on you degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate
the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and
repressed frustrations of each of the following:

Alexander of Aphrodisias
Rameses II
Gregory of Nicea
Hammurabi.

Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's
work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to
translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany
the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your
theory.

8. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals,
each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the
communications interface and all necessary control programs.

9. ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an
instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a
hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take
whatever action you feel is apropriate. Be prepared to
justify your decisions.

10. ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following
areas:

Cubism
Donatist Controversy
Wave Theory of Light

Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize
this method from all possible points of view. Point out the
deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in you
answer to the last question.

11. POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start
World War III. Report at length on its socio-political
effects; if any.

12. EPISTEMOLOGY
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of
your position.

13. PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.

14. PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any kind of
thought.

15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

***EXTRA CREDIT***
Define the universe; give three examples.

DE LA SALLE UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMS (Take Home)

Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire
with particular reference to architecture, literature, law
and social conditions or give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau?

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a. Build a bridge
b. Sail the ocean
c. lead an army or
d. WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
a. Westerners
b. Northerners
c. Southerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter, and Clinton
BUSH: _ _ _ _
CARTER: _ _ _ _ _ _
CLINTON: _ _ _ _ _ _ _

10. Six kings of England have been called George, last one
being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Were does rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of relativity?
a. yes
b. no
c. maybe
d. I don't know

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for
what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
or spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples
do you have?

18. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

19. The DLSU tradition for excellence in education began
when (approximately)?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. still waiting

***You must answer three or more questions
in order to graduate Magna Cum Laude.***

ei joke lang peace :rofl:

happy_man

07-02-2009, 07:37 AM

pacman777

07-02-2009, 03:30 PM

At 4 yrs. old. BOY BASTOS:

Nay, pano po ba talaga ako ginawa
NANAY: Ah, eh kasi bigay ka ng langit.
BOY BASTOS: Ang taas ng langit ah! Buti umabot ang tit* sa inyo!

BOY BASTOS see’s a nude girl.
BOY BASTOS: Lord, close my eyes.
Girl nears Boy Bastos.
BOY BASTOS: Lord, close my eyes!
Girl sits on Boy Bastos’ lap.
BOY BASTOS: Lord, my eyes!
Girl grabs Boy Bastos’ dick.
BOY BASTOS: Lord, close YOUR eyes!

Q: What’s the similarity between a vendo machine and Monica Lewinsky?
A: Both have slots that says: Insert BILL here —>

Q: Why should we not pass judgement on Monica Lewinsky?
A: Because "napasubo lang siya!"

Q: Pano mo malalaman kung yung manok sa palengke ay lalake o babae?
LALAKE> TITImbangin
BABAE> KIKIluhin

Q: Anong mangyayari kay Tweety Bird kapag uminom siya ng Viagra?
A: Magiging Big Bird

Q: Anong mangyayari kay Felix the Cat kapag uminom ng Viagra?
A: Eh di magiging Felix BAKAT!

Q: Anong mangyayari kay Kermit the Frog kapag uminom ng Viagra?
A: Eh di magiging PALAKA-NTOT!

Anong tunog ng falling rock?
BLAG!
Ano naman ang tunog ng falling water?
WOOSH!
Eh ano naman ang tunog ng falling pubic hair?
PWE!

How can you tell when a woman is not wearing any underwear?
ANSWER: By the dandruff on her shoes.

Anong tawag sa maliit na goat?
KAPIRANGGOAT!

Eh sa maliit na cat?
CATITING!

Eh sa maliit na duck?
PANDUCK!

Ano naman ang tawag sa maliit na dick?
BUTITI!

Q: Ano ang difference ng BADING at CANNIBAL?
A: Ang CANNIBAL kumakain ng KA-URI, ang BADING kumakain ng KA-ARI!

Q: Paano namatay si Capt. Hook?
A: Nangati itl*g niya at kinamot!

An accountant asked ERAP what a BALANCE SHEET IS.
ERAP answered - IT COMES OUT AFTER A BALANCE DIET.

EPORTER: Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?
ERAP: I'm totally against it!
REPORTER: Baket po?
ERAP: Napakarami namang motel diyan, baket kelangan sa movies pa?

AIZA - IQ – 135 Promil user till Age 5
RYAN – IQ – 140 Promil user till age 7
JINGGOY – IQ – UNSTABLE - Promil overdose
ERAP – LOW IQ – Promil user until now. Still no progress.

Scenario: Nasusunog ang Malacanang!
Guard: Mr. President dito po ang daan sa fire exit.
Erap: Gago, diyan nga dadaan ang apoy, eh!

NEWSFLASH: Assassination attempt on ERAP failed. The president was shot in the head with a .45 caliber but survived dahil walang utak na tinamaan.

A teacher went up to Erap because he wanted to test Erap's IQ.
Teacher: Erap, can you spell defense?
Erap: Aba naman, oo!!! D-E-F-E-N-S-E!!!
T: Aba, tama ho! E, defeat?
E: Aba naman... kadali-dali! D-E-F-E-A-T!!!
T: Naku, President Erap! Ang galing niyo naman! E, how about detail?
E: D-E-T-A-I-L!
T: Naku, President Erap! Ang dami-daming nagkamali tungkol sa inyo ha! Eh ang tali-talino niyo pala! O, ito, last question ko sayo. Gamitin mo and defense, defeat and detail in a sentence.
E: The cow just over DEFENSE, first DEFEAT then DETAIL.

ERAP: Nakakahiya!
JINGGOY: Bakit Dad?
ERAP: Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko do'n, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!

DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples
ERAP: I am a bit in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?

tx pare

Makavelli

07-03-2009, 09:20 AM

TEACHER: pangit ng
> name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
> PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo. Supronio
>
>
> Potenciano! In short, SUPOT!
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
> REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.
> CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
> REPORTER: bakit naman po?
>
>
> CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
> JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,
> swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
>
>
> ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
> ----------- ----------- ----------- ------------
> GIRL: lahat ng politiko, kawatan!
> MAN: sakit mo naman magsalita!
> GIRL: bakit, politiko ka ba?
> MAN: hindi, kawatan!
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
>
>
> Dalawang unano galing motel.
> UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig ko
> humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!!"
> UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama .
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
>
>
> BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
> MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
> BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
> MARIA: yung misis niya.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
>
>
> Quiapo Church :
> MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa
> hospital.
> Narinigng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
> MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
>
>
> Ano ang saging na mataba? Saba
> Ano ang sa ging na maliit? Senorita
> Ano ang saging na sinusubo pati balat? It begins with T.
> Esep-esep. Sirit na? .... Turon.
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
>
>
> Young lady to the new parish priest:
> LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
> PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
> SPANISH
>
> TEACHER: class, use FUERA in a sentence.
>
> PUPIL: mi maestras son bonitas (all the teachers are
> beautiful)
> TEACHER: oh, that's very flattering, but where's
> FUERA?
> PUPIL: FUERA ka!
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
> JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
>
>
> DRIVER: saan galling?
> PASSENGER: sa akin.
> DRIVER: papunta saan?
> PASSENGER: sayo
> ------------ -------- --------- --------- --------
> Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula,
> gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
> Misis: Eh ako, sino?
>
>
> Mister: Si DACOS!
> Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun!
> Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
> ----------- ---------- ------------ -- ------------ - ----
>
> Job interview...
> Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
> Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira
>
>
> ng misis mo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
> Boss: Tanggap ka na!
> ------------ -- ------------ ---- ------------ - ---------
>
>
> Tomas: Sobrang
> tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto
> niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
> Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
>
>
> Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!
> ------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - ---------
>
> Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
> Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
> Ama: Ano, madali ba?
>
>
> Anak: Chicken na chicken!
> Ama: Anong grade mo?
> Anak: Itlog po.
> ------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ----------
>
> Dalawang bank holdaper...
> Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
> Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
>
>
> Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math.
> Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
> -------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
>
> Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
> Pilo: 59 books po.
>
>
> Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
> Pilo: 77 books.
> Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854
> books?
> Pilo: Ma'am, library po!
> ------------ - ------------ -- ------------ ----------- --
>
>
>
> Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
> Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
> Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
> Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit
> mo.

yeks

07-16-2009, 06:17 AM

BOYFRIEND: I-blowjob mo ‘ko.
GIRLFRIEND: Hindi ako marunong, eh.
BOYFRIEND: Madali lang. Para ka lang nagyo*yosi. Hihithitin mo lang!
GIRLFRIEND: Ganu’n ba? Palalabasin ko rin ba sa ilong?

:haha:

( do )

07-16-2009, 11:09 AM

Encore! Encore!!

happy_man

07-16-2009, 11:16 AM

Encore! Encore!!
hey do...musta bro

( do )

07-16-2009, 02:43 PM

:hitit:hey do...musta bro

Ayos Lang dito pareng hap, Sana ok Lang din dyan..

Sinusubukan ko tong latest I-phone Kung Ayos Lang na Pam-browse, ok naman.

Sana ok lang work pre at syempre ang pamilya!

IGoRoTak™

07-17-2009, 01:00 AM

KULAS: uwi na ko, gusto ko na hubarin ang
panty ng misis ko!

ISLAW: HOT NA HOT ka na pare!

KULAS: hindi pare

masyadong masikip sa akin e......:banana:

Alexandros

07-17-2009, 01:06 AM

http://pinoychan.org/boards/b/src/124773813974.jpg

:haha: :haha: :haha:

JM1

07-17-2009, 03:32 AM

Estudyante and Drayber Part 1!

Estudyante: mama bayad!!!
Drayber: san galing??
Estudyante: sa akin!!
Drayber: (gags to ah) san papunta?
Estudyante:eh di sayo! tanga!!

Estudyante and Drayber Part 2!

E: manong bayad ho.
D:san galing?
E: eh d sa bulsa ko!
D:hindi, san sumakay?!
E: eh d sa jeep nyo!!
D: (loko to ah,bigyan ko nga ng kulang na sukli)
E: oh manong, bkt kulang to? magkano ba Quiapo?
D: bkit bibilhin mo?? :lol1:

Estudyante and Drayber Part 3!

E: bayad ho!
D: ilan to?
E: hindi ba halatang isa?
D: san galing?
E: sa nanay ko!
D: (loko to ah wag konga bigyan ng sukli)
E: manong sukli ho nung 50?
D: asa bulsa kona!!

Estudyante and Drayber Part 4!

E: manong dadaan ba ng quiapo?
D: my naghihintay ba don?
E: (ah bumabawi ah!)
D: quiapo!quiapo!
E: manong para po!!
D: para san?
E: sa tabi ho!
D: tabi nino?!
hahahahaha!!!

favorite ko yung part 1 :lol1:

KnockMeOut

07-17-2009, 09:30 AM

A man is by his kitchen table crying, then the wife sees him and asks why.
man: nothing
wife: come on, you can tell me
man: okay. remember that time when you were 16 and I was 18, your daddy caught us making out in the backseat of his chevy, he told me either marry you or spend 10 years in prison?
wife: yea I remember, why?
man: I would have gotten out today

an Elephant ask the Camel! "why do you have your boobs on your back?" the camel laugh and replied, " what a silly question from someone with a big penis on his Face!

Sa motel:
Sir: O inday!!nanginginig ka
Inday: pasensya na po sir kinakabahan ako...
Sir: 1st time mo ba
Inday: opo sir
Sir: Saan ba ang switch mabuksan nga ang ilaw
Inday: Dyan po sir sa uluhan ng kama.....

KnockMeOut

07-17-2009, 09:59 AM

Teacher: O.k. class, today we will be
translating english to tagalog. Who
would like to go first?

Student 1: I will go first mam.

Teacher: I want you to translate "I have a blue
book" in tagalog.

Student 1: That's easy mam. "Meron
akong Libro na asul."

Teacher: That's very good. O.k., who
would like to go next?

Student 2: Ako po mam, me, me, right
here, I want to go next.

Teacher: O.k, o.k. I want you to
translate guy, mother, father, and you, and
put in a sentence.

Student 2: Yon lang pala eh, madali
lang yan. "Guy" is Ma, "Mother" is mama,
"Father" is Tay, "You" is Ka.

Teacher: That's good! O.k., now put
it in a sentence.

Student 2: No problem! Mam,
"Ma-Mama-Tay-Ka".

^FoX

07-17-2009, 03:00 PM

yeks

07-28-2009, 05:21 AM

Couple talking:
wife : hon, **** fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay. tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake.
husband : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

:haha:

yeks

08-03-2009, 10:34 PM

1. Yaya buys food at McDo.
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”

------------------------------------------
2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re y achts.”
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”
------------------------------------------

3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
0ADoc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Breastfed po.”
(Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, walakang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”

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4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten. She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor: “Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”
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5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star. Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”

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6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”

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7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!” (Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”

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8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform. I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
She answered: “Secret!”

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9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out:
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”

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10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!” Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”

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11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”
Mom: “It’s up to you.”
(At dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko, sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”

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12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew with your mouth!”

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13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can at isang Sprite na Coke in can.”

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14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
INDAY: “gags ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin, kapkeyk.”

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15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlandsis located.
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”

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16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”

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17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’.”

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18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs:
“Down to earth! Down to earth!”

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19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”

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20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:
“Parang Watson’s yata.”

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21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”

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22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
Driver: “Ikaw lang?”
Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”

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23. (Si Kuyapumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
Kuya: “Yaya…”
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
Yaya: “Si Koya naman, nagsa-suggest lang...”

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24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”

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25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired: 9 CSuwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo. At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”

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26. Yaya to kid: “Nag tothbrush ka na ng ipin?”
Kid: “Siyempre, alangan namang mag toothbrush ako ng kilikili!”

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27. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit. Promise!=E 2

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28. We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a kapre in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom. She said she turned him down.
Her reason: “Kapre yun ma’am, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na uy!”

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29. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”

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30. Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence.
Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone,
(ring, ring, ring,) Yaya answered, " HILO, WHO'S COOLING PLACE?"

JuDaZ13th

08-09-2009, 04:03 PM

More jokes please :)

the undertaker

08-10-2009, 10:49 PM