Bluecifer
03-11-2004, 05:21 PM
Over the years I have noticed that some topics of conversation are more interesting than others. Chats about random animal fights fall into this category. Most people state publicly that they despise violence against animals, but I have found that if you just casually start talking about who would win in a fight between a badger and a mongoose, every person in the room will have an opinion. After precisely 5.7 years of experiments, I have concluded that cross-species animal fights will be the most lucrative, interesting, and fun business venture of the 24th century.
If you don't believe me then you should try it out by starting your own animal fight conversation; the responses can really be quite uncanny. At first I thought it was weird that people are so interested in things that they publicly claim to loathe, but then it got me to thinking. If you've ever been to one of those 'rate my picture' websites, you've probably read a few profiles of hot chicks that you wanted to ****. Did you notice that all these hot chicks say that they hate 'mean guys', and they love 'people who treat a girl right'? Did you also notice that in real life these girls are constantly being dominated by tattoo covered muscle heads? This discrepancy is not a coincidence.
Since I have now established that all hot women are liars - don't worry if you're an ugly chick, I'm not calling you a liar, I'm just calling you ugly - I would like to continue with my kickass presentation about how sweet animal fights are. Most people think of dog fights when I mention animal warfare, but I personally feel that dog fights could be spiced up by perhaps having the dogs fight against a mountain lion or a bison. Fights are more interesting when there are two unevenly matched species that you don't really know anything about. These fights could also be used as a sort of random number generator, and I predict that by next year all computers will be powered by the algorithmic engine of two bears fighting against a team of pumas.
Before I start describing in detail how sweet and violent these fights will be, I want to make it clear that anyone who is morally opposed to what I am saying is a loser. Predatorial animals kill each other. That's their job. So what is so bad about taking a few of them and letting them do their job in an arena, with a little harmless gambling on the side? An added bonus is that animals who are good fighters will be kept like prize trophies and fed massive amounts of food by their caring owners. This is much different to real life, where the winning animal gets a non-lethal wound that will, in all probability, become infected and cause the animal's death.
So as you can see, animal prizefighting is a more humane way of treating animals. It is a well known fact that all animals want to do is fight each other's heads off anyway, so who are we to stop them by keeping them in cages all day and making them sit in the shade? If I were a lion and I had the choice between death by poaching, life in a jail-cell-like zoo exhibit, or the chance to become a glorious gladiator like Russell Crowe - including the alcohol problem - I would choose the last option for sure. Anyone who would choose either of the first two options is a complete *****.
My vision for cross-species animal warfare is a city in the middle of desert that would be exactly like Las Vegas, except that it will be called "Land of Kill". Land of Kill will have all the amenities that a city should have; gambling, prostitution, and most importantly, monkey knife fights. There will also be shotgun wedding chapels and I will hopefully be able to entice some respected organised crime members to make sure the operation runs smoothly. People will be able to see a raccoon fight against a possum for like four bucks, but if you want to see the cool fights it will cost you extra.
The prestigious fights will obviously involve about 50 wolverines wearing bronze armour fighting against about 7 lions and also a pack of twelveteen hyenas. It is not known whether the wolverine is the strongest animal on earth, however, it is clear that a wolverine could easily sword a skunk's head off. There will also be an "aquatic wonderland" section in the Land of Kill, and it will basically consist of 20 sharks fighting against 25 crocodiles. All of this will be captured on seventy eight thousand video cameras and I will then sell the footage to the fox network as a successful and scientific reality TV show.
Also, the dead animals will be fed to the winning animals, so all you circle of life **** will be happy that we aren't wasting any valuable animal carcasses here at the Land of Kill. Geeze, the things you have to do to keep these animal rights ******* happy. Additionally, I will personally guarantee to not punch any hippies in the face, so long as they piss off and leave me alone. All in all this is a sweet deal, and it should definitely ensure a new breed of reality TV shows that deal with really tough animals fighting each other's faces off, which is totally kickass.
If you don't believe me then you should try it out by starting your own animal fight conversation; the responses can really be quite uncanny. At first I thought it was weird that people are so interested in things that they publicly claim to loathe, but then it got me to thinking. If you've ever been to one of those 'rate my picture' websites, you've probably read a few profiles of hot chicks that you wanted to ****. Did you notice that all these hot chicks say that they hate 'mean guys', and they love 'people who treat a girl right'? Did you also notice that in real life these girls are constantly being dominated by tattoo covered muscle heads? This discrepancy is not a coincidence.
Since I have now established that all hot women are liars - don't worry if you're an ugly chick, I'm not calling you a liar, I'm just calling you ugly - I would like to continue with my kickass presentation about how sweet animal fights are. Most people think of dog fights when I mention animal warfare, but I personally feel that dog fights could be spiced up by perhaps having the dogs fight against a mountain lion or a bison. Fights are more interesting when there are two unevenly matched species that you don't really know anything about. These fights could also be used as a sort of random number generator, and I predict that by next year all computers will be powered by the algorithmic engine of two bears fighting against a team of pumas.
Before I start describing in detail how sweet and violent these fights will be, I want to make it clear that anyone who is morally opposed to what I am saying is a loser. Predatorial animals kill each other. That's their job. So what is so bad about taking a few of them and letting them do their job in an arena, with a little harmless gambling on the side? An added bonus is that animals who are good fighters will be kept like prize trophies and fed massive amounts of food by their caring owners. This is much different to real life, where the winning animal gets a non-lethal wound that will, in all probability, become infected and cause the animal's death.
So as you can see, animal prizefighting is a more humane way of treating animals. It is a well known fact that all animals want to do is fight each other's heads off anyway, so who are we to stop them by keeping them in cages all day and making them sit in the shade? If I were a lion and I had the choice between death by poaching, life in a jail-cell-like zoo exhibit, or the chance to become a glorious gladiator like Russell Crowe - including the alcohol problem - I would choose the last option for sure. Anyone who would choose either of the first two options is a complete *****.
My vision for cross-species animal warfare is a city in the middle of desert that would be exactly like Las Vegas, except that it will be called "Land of Kill". Land of Kill will have all the amenities that a city should have; gambling, prostitution, and most importantly, monkey knife fights. There will also be shotgun wedding chapels and I will hopefully be able to entice some respected organised crime members to make sure the operation runs smoothly. People will be able to see a raccoon fight against a possum for like four bucks, but if you want to see the cool fights it will cost you extra.
The prestigious fights will obviously involve about 50 wolverines wearing bronze armour fighting against about 7 lions and also a pack of twelveteen hyenas. It is not known whether the wolverine is the strongest animal on earth, however, it is clear that a wolverine could easily sword a skunk's head off. There will also be an "aquatic wonderland" section in the Land of Kill, and it will basically consist of 20 sharks fighting against 25 crocodiles. All of this will be captured on seventy eight thousand video cameras and I will then sell the footage to the fox network as a successful and scientific reality TV show.
Also, the dead animals will be fed to the winning animals, so all you circle of life **** will be happy that we aren't wasting any valuable animal carcasses here at the Land of Kill. Geeze, the things you have to do to keep these animal rights ******* happy. Additionally, I will personally guarantee to not punch any hippies in the face, so long as they piss off and leave me alone. All in all this is a sweet deal, and it should definitely ensure a new breed of reality TV shows that deal with really tough animals fighting each other's faces off, which is totally kickass.