Tanner Rhoden
12-10-2003, 10:11 PM
Family Guy Quotes
Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Stewie: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Your life however is more like a box of...active grenades!
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear, the broccoli must die.
Chris: Hey birthday dude, you want some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Hey listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now hang on a second there.
Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem... Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!
Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
Guy 2: Oh, thanks.
Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum.
Guy 2: What do you mean?
Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. [laughs]
Guy 2: [laughs then shivers] I'm cold.
Peter: Oh my god. Brian, there's a message in my alphabits. It says "oooo."
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Yeah, well, you're, hogging up all the ugly!
Cop 1 (talking to Brian): Good luck rookie!
Cop 2: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 3: Additional generic cop compliment!
Peter (writing letter): Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paperclip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
Peter: Fox is running one of those new reality specials at eight. Fast animals, Slow Children.
Teacher: Well class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS Program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted Wewak tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test.
Chris: I didn't even know there was a 5 am mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 am. What else haven't you told me!?!!
Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever comes back…I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.
Stewie (reading the Bible): My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.
Stewie: Ah! Damn it! I want pancakes. God! You people understand every language except english. Yo quiero pancakes. Dali mua pancakes. Clik clik bloody clik pancakes.
Foster Mother: Poor little guy, pancakes must be street for crack.
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy...women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
Peter (imagining Hell): Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, eh, hey, what, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ahhahaha. Oh, that's right. I went there.
Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Well you, you can't eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?
Peter: I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?.
Peter: Oh yeah.
Peter (Drinking the Communion wine): Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.
Meg: I'm going upstairs right now to eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
Peter and Lois: (blank stare)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts!
Peter and Lois: (blank stare)
Meg: You don't know anything about me!
Peter (after Meg runs upstairs): Who was that guy?
Brian: Hola! Um...me, me llamo es Brian. Ahh, uh, um lets see, uh, nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.
Mexican: Hey that was pretty good. But actually when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just, "Me llamo Brian."
Brian: Oh, you speak English.
Mexican: No just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You...you're kidding right?
Mexican: Que?
Teacher: A girl answered a math problem, you know what the means. A WITCH!
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
Stewie: What the deuce! (holds tongue depresser to nurse's throat) Back off. Don't come any closer or I'll cut her. Well, I...I'll give her a, uh, I'll give her a series of splinters, that, that could um, you know, become infected.
Meg: Oh my God. I'm missing the news!
Peter: We all miss The News, Meg, but Huey Lewis needs time to create.
Doctor: Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust? Or, or leprechaun tails?
Doctor: No, its a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean, like a magical christmas tumor?
Doctor: No... a malignent tumor. The base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh. Like a happy special...
Doctor: You're going to die.
Meg: Hey everybody, guess what I am.
Stewie: Well, the end result of a drunken back seat grope fest and a broken prophylactic?
Midget: (runs through the scene) Out of me way, they're after me lucky charms.
Quagmire: Heh heh, I paid him ten bucks to say it. Heh heh. Classic.
(A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar)
Rabbi: Hey, did you hear the one about us?
Announcer: We now return to The Smurfs
Smurf 1: Yo, you have a good time last night?
Smurf 2: Smurftacular!
Smurf 1: Yeah I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf 2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf 1: Shut the smurf up!
Smurf 2: Yeah!
Smurf 1: Right in the smurfin' parking lot?
Smurf 2: Smurf yeah!
Smurf 1: Oh that is freakin' smurf.
Smurf 2: You smurf it.
Smurf 1: That is freakin' smurf
Smurf 2: Yeah...
Lois (talking about Brian): Was, was he just mastur-
Peter: Yes.
Lois: Oh my.
Peter: Do we... do we rub his nose in it?
Motel Owner: This is the bathroom but watch out, we got some bad roaches here.
Roach 1: Hey! You're on our turf man.
Roach 2: Hey man, I... I cut you, I cut you up so bad, you, you gonna, you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Motel Owner: I blame the schools.
Peter: Hey, c'mon Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you.
Stewie: Oh, let me guess. You picked out another colorful box with a crank that I'm supposed to turn and turn until, ooh, big schock, a jack pops out. And then you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: But that boy is all tied up.
Stewie: (pause) Roman Polanski's house.
Stewie: Look at him, he runs like a Welsh-man! Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welsh-man?
Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Stewie: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Your life however is more like a box of...active grenades!
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear, the broccoli must die.
Chris: Hey birthday dude, you want some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Hey listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now hang on a second there.
Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem... Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!
Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
Guy 2: Oh, thanks.
Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum.
Guy 2: What do you mean?
Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. [laughs]
Guy 2: [laughs then shivers] I'm cold.
Peter: Oh my god. Brian, there's a message in my alphabits. It says "oooo."
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Yeah, well, you're, hogging up all the ugly!
Cop 1 (talking to Brian): Good luck rookie!
Cop 2: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 3: Additional generic cop compliment!
Peter (writing letter): Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paperclip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
Peter: Fox is running one of those new reality specials at eight. Fast animals, Slow Children.
Teacher: Well class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS Program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted Wewak tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test.
Chris: I didn't even know there was a 5 am mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 am. What else haven't you told me!?!!
Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever comes back…I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.
Stewie (reading the Bible): My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.
Stewie: Ah! Damn it! I want pancakes. God! You people understand every language except english. Yo quiero pancakes. Dali mua pancakes. Clik clik bloody clik pancakes.
Foster Mother: Poor little guy, pancakes must be street for crack.
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy...women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
Peter (imagining Hell): Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, eh, hey, what, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ahhahaha. Oh, that's right. I went there.
Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Well you, you can't eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?
Peter: I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?.
Peter: Oh yeah.
Peter (Drinking the Communion wine): Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.
Meg: I'm going upstairs right now to eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
Peter and Lois: (blank stare)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts!
Peter and Lois: (blank stare)
Meg: You don't know anything about me!
Peter (after Meg runs upstairs): Who was that guy?
Brian: Hola! Um...me, me llamo es Brian. Ahh, uh, um lets see, uh, nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.
Mexican: Hey that was pretty good. But actually when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." Just, "Me llamo Brian."
Brian: Oh, you speak English.
Mexican: No just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You...you're kidding right?
Mexican: Que?
Teacher: A girl answered a math problem, you know what the means. A WITCH!
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
Stewie: What the deuce! (holds tongue depresser to nurse's throat) Back off. Don't come any closer or I'll cut her. Well, I...I'll give her a, uh, I'll give her a series of splinters, that, that could um, you know, become infected.
Meg: Oh my God. I'm missing the news!
Peter: We all miss The News, Meg, but Huey Lewis needs time to create.
Doctor: Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust? Or, or leprechaun tails?
Doctor: No, its a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean, like a magical christmas tumor?
Doctor: No... a malignent tumor. The base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh. Like a happy special...
Doctor: You're going to die.
Meg: Hey everybody, guess what I am.
Stewie: Well, the end result of a drunken back seat grope fest and a broken prophylactic?
Midget: (runs through the scene) Out of me way, they're after me lucky charms.
Quagmire: Heh heh, I paid him ten bucks to say it. Heh heh. Classic.
(A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar)
Rabbi: Hey, did you hear the one about us?
Announcer: We now return to The Smurfs
Smurf 1: Yo, you have a good time last night?
Smurf 2: Smurftacular!
Smurf 1: Yeah I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf 2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf 1: Shut the smurf up!
Smurf 2: Yeah!
Smurf 1: Right in the smurfin' parking lot?
Smurf 2: Smurf yeah!
Smurf 1: Oh that is freakin' smurf.
Smurf 2: You smurf it.
Smurf 1: That is freakin' smurf
Smurf 2: Yeah...
Lois (talking about Brian): Was, was he just mastur-
Peter: Yes.
Lois: Oh my.
Peter: Do we... do we rub his nose in it?
Motel Owner: This is the bathroom but watch out, we got some bad roaches here.
Roach 1: Hey! You're on our turf man.
Roach 2: Hey man, I... I cut you, I cut you up so bad, you, you gonna, you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Motel Owner: I blame the schools.
Peter: Hey, c'mon Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you.
Stewie: Oh, let me guess. You picked out another colorful box with a crank that I'm supposed to turn and turn until, ooh, big schock, a jack pops out. And then you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: But that boy is all tied up.
Stewie: (pause) Roman Polanski's house.
Stewie: Look at him, he runs like a Welsh-man! Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welsh-man?