Hey everyone, My daughter asked me to get your opinion on her essay. Her dad read it and gave her a very critical point of view which I will explain later. Another friend did the same, in a different aspect. We want the opinions of "strangers" so to speak. It wasn't the sentence structure, etc. criticism, it was content criticism....what do you understand her trying to say in this essay? That's what we are looking for as well as any grammer suggestions. This is a college essay for her AP English class. Due tomorrow, so ASAP please.






Why me?

I have always thought that nothing could go wrong when you are with your friends, or that something bad can turn out for the best. With all the violence portrayed by the media and presented in the movies, I never thought that violence was waiting for me in my own backyard. It is sad to have to experience something so frightening at a young age and have to learn to understand why things like violence happen to us. I became more aware of the world around me when an incident happened to me and my current boyfriend in July 2002.
It was a Sunday afternoon and my family was out of town. I was home alone and bored. I wanted to get out of the house and do something with one of my friends. I called up my friend Mike and asked him if he wanted to go see a movie and grab a bite to eat. He agreed and we left to get our tickets. After we ate dinner, we went for a walk behind Cinema Star to kill some time before the movie started. Mike was hesitant about walking behind the building at first, but later agreed to it. Then it happened, an experience that will stick with Mike and me forever.
A red car came tearing around the corner and stopped approximately one hundred feet in front of us. Three of the four black guys vaulted out of the car and mugged Mike. I wanted to help Mike since he was helpless. I like to help others when I can but I also consider my own life as well as theirs. I just stood there in astonishment, wishing these drunks would leave Mike alone. But I had no other choice than to stand there and wait for this piqued behavior of the boys to leave.
When their anger was expended, they came up to me and Mike, apologizing to us for their behavior by handing us an almost empty bottle of vodka. Why? They left Mike in bad condition and the both of us scarred for life. So why did I have to experience this kind of violence in this humane world? Why couldn’t it be someone else? I ask myself these questions when I see violence in movies, on the news, or testing for belts in Tae-Kwon-Do.
When I watch violence in the news or movies, I reminisce of my past encounter with violence. It scares me to see it sneak up on others and knowing that everything that happens to people, death or serious injuries, is real. I went to my dad and sister’s black belt testing for Tae-Kwon-Do this last summer, and during their sparring test, I got really scared watching them take hits from their opponents, hitting them back and getting injured pretty seriously. I wish violence wasn’t real so innocent people wouldn’t get hurt, like Mike.
I used to always want to be a marine biologist, working with sea life and other creatures in this world. I changed my mind after my horrid experience with violence. I decided to consider nursing as my career, since my passion for helping disabled people grew from this violent incident. Since my experience, I have been more careful of my surroundings and the outtake of the world. It isn’t made up with special affects in movies, made up stories by the media or a test for defensive maneuvers made up people. It is real and I have to accept that.
I have become more cautious with my surroundings as well. When I see danger, I try to help, if it is safe for all of us in the act. Helping others makes me feel grateful that I have something to live for. Nursing is a way I can reach out to others and help those who may have experienced the same pain I went through.

well here's my opinons:

first off, the whole thing doesn't make sense. she watches her boyfriend get roughed up by a couple of dudes for a few seconds and she's making it sound like she's a cambodian refuge that witnessed the slaughter of her entire village. i'd say to use a better example or find another subject with a better example.

2nd, way too much unnecessary wording. the overall impression i'm getting is that she's TRYING to write a fancy essay rather than convey the actual subject matter.

also, don't bounce around on subjects. too many references of violence in the media popping up throughout the whole thing. have each paragraph stick to the content that it's set up for.

I agree with everything Tony just said.

Tell her not to use Mike's name so much, too.

Originally posted by Purity
well here's my opinons:

first off, the whole thing doesn't make sense. she watches her boyfriend get roughed up by a couple of dudes for a few seconds and she's making it sound like she's a cambodian refuge that witnessed the slaughter of her entire village. i'd say to use a better example or find another subject with a better example.

2nd, way too much unnecessary wording. the overall impression i'm getting is that she's TRYING to write a fancy essay rather than convey the actual subject matter.

also, don't bounce around on subjects. too many references of violence in the media popping up throughout the whole thing. have each paragraph stick to the content that it's set up for.

First, she's never seen or experienced violence other than what's on tv.....so this was a shocker for her. She's revamping the first part of her essay to portray that.

Second, it's what the teacer is asking for.

Third, she's already changing that portion....

She says thank you....:)

First year?

Originally posted by Bella
First year?

Senior year in high school. AP class that if she passes she will receive college credit.

Oh, I see. Good deal.
I got out of AP after my Sophmore year. I was going to have to do a bunch of stuff that would be worthless. Tons of lame memorization work.
I had to slack the last couple of years of course. :)

Originally posted by madcrewmom
First, she's never seen or experienced violence other than what's on tv.....so this was a shocker for her. She's revamping the first part of her essay to portray that.

Second, it's what the teacer is asking for.

Third, she's already changing that portion....

She says thank you....:)

first, it's a shocker for her but not the average reader. she hasn't had her fair share of it so she should try to convey THAT before explaining how traumatizing the whole thing was. after the reader is set up to understand that she hasn't ever experienced any real-life violence then they'll be able to relate to her feelings better.

2nd, is the teacher asking for an extremely wordy essay or a well-written essay that uses whatever means necessary to explain the topic at hand? most of the time teachers ask for wordy stuff because most people think that the more wordy something is, the better it explains content.
me personally, i prefer to simply grab the reader's attention, make them curious, and then take them into my world once they're hooked.

I have to agree with Purity on this.

I actually have a strong background in Literature as well.

Also, I gotta ask - what is the topic or purpose of this essay?

Is it a case of writing about whatever you want or is it a set topic - like what career path do you want to go in, describe your most traumatising life event, etc.

Whatever it is, there needs to be a clear purpose. Without knowing or stating that, it does lack a bit of direction.

Also, Purity's point on conveying your daughter's lack of exposure to violence and how profound the experience was. She really needs to highlight this. Explain why this shocked her. Explain she never saw many violent movies, played violent video games or read books with violence, lived in a very nice neighborhood, etc. etc. Whatever. My point is this is very important as it creates empathy for the reader and pulls them in - they can RELATE to the author in other words. Identification is a KEY point with any book or essay. Particularly if the topic of the essay is meant to be a persuasive argument. Very important.

In terms of grammar, syntax, prose and flow it reads well. Admittedly I did just read it very quickly and could have missed a few things (but these can be easily remedied by a spell checker really). Just a few little tweaks are required really :)

- J.

The teacher wasn't clear on the purpose of the essay at first, but it turns out that it is a "mock" letter for a college application, how and why did she come to the decision of nursing for her future career. My daughter was absent the day it was assigned and missed out on the original speech on what she wanted. All she told my daughter the following day was that it was to be a personal statement. She has revised it some and is working on it right now. Will post when done and she says thank you to all.

Why me?



I have always thought that nothing could go wrong when you are with your friends, or that something bad can turn out for the best. With all the violence portrayed by the media and presented in the movies, I never thought that it was waiting for me in my own backyard. It is sad to have to experience something so frightening at a young age and have to learn to understand why things like violence happen to us. I became more aware of the world around me when an incident happened to me and my current boyfriend in July 2002.

It was a Sunday afternoon and my family was out of town. I was home alone and wanted to get out of the house and do something with one of my friends. So I called up my friend Mike, asked him if he wanted to go see a movie and grab a bite to eat. He agreed and we left to get our tickets. After we ate dinner, we went for a walk behind Cinema Star to kill some time before the movie started. He was hesitant about walking behind the building at first, but later agreed to it. Then it happened, something that I have never experienced before.

A red car came tearing around the corner and stopped approximately one hundred feet in front of us. Three of the four black guys vaulted out of the car and mugged Mike. They were the average height of any man but large in girth. I wanted to help Mike because his only defense was himself, but I knew that I could not help him since I was just as powerless as he was. I just stood there in astonishment, wishing these drunks would leave my helpless friend alone. But I had no other choice than to stand there and wait for this piqued behavior of these hoodlums to subside.

When their anger diminished, they came up to me and Mike, apologizing to us for their behavior by handing us an almost empty bottle of vodka. Why? They left him in bad condition and the both of us scarred for life. So why did I have to experience this kind of assault in this humane world? Why couldn’t it be someone else? I ask myself these questions when I see this type of assault in movies, media, or testing for belts in Tae-Kwon-Do.

When I watch violence in the media or movies, I remember of my past encounter with violence. It scares me to see it sneak up on others and knowing that everything that happens to people, death or serious injuries, are real. I went to my dad and sister’s black belt testing for Tae-Kwon-Do this last summer, and throughout the test, I got really scared watching them take hits from their opponents, hitting them back and getting injured.

I used to always want to be a marine biologist, working with sea life and other creatures in this world. I changed my mind after my horrid experience. I decided to consider nursing as my career, since my passion for helping injured people grew from this violent incident. Now, I am more aware of my surroundings and the different aspects in this world. They aren’t the stories of the movie media, but the stories of the news media. It is the reason for martial arts maneuvers of self defense. It is real and I have to accept that.

When I see or sense danger, I try to help, if it is safe for all of us in the act. Nursing is a way I can reach out to others and help those who may have experienced the same pain I went through. My ambition is to learn the skills of nursing and create a better understanding of what people experience, even through worse case scenarios. I will strive to accomplish a goal of helping others through the best of my capabilities.

Experiencing a situation like this is shocking for anyone. After my experience, I realized that nursing is a way I can connect to people who need my help, just as I needed it. My goal in life is to help others and I plan on accomplishing this by showing anyone who needs me that I am there to help.

Sounds ok although the end of the third last paragraph and beginning of the second last sound a bit confused. I would try rewriting those.

e.g.1
"Now, I am more aware of my surroundings and the different aspects in this world. They aren’t the stories of the movie media, but the stories of the news media. It is the reason for martial arts maneuvers of self defense. It is real and I have to accept that. "

How about:
"Now, I am more aware of my surroundings. I am aware of different aspects in this world that I had never encountered before. This is not a movie. This is real life. It is for this reason that martial arts were developed as a form of self defence."

e.g.2
"When I see or sense danger, I try to help, if it is safe for all of us in the act."

how about:
"When I see or sense danger, I try to help, if it is safe to do so."

I'm not trying to modify the content of what she's saying here, just present another way of saying it that might flow a bit better.

On another note, the reference to martial arts is drawn up several times. Clearly they play an important role in her life (for better/worse) but the essay doesn't explain why. Maybe it's not important but the way I read it, if she's bought it up twice, then it should. Does she feel it's important to study them despite her fear of violence? Does she abhor it because of the violence? Or is she just saying that martial arts goes hand in hand with violence? I have the feeling I read this too quick and just missed the point, so feel free to clarify for me. :)

This is just my $0.02 worth tho, so take it for what you will.

- J.

Purity is right, even the revamped has a lot of uneccesary things in it.

"I went to my dad and sister’s black belt testing for Tae-Kwon-Do this last summer, and throughout the test, I got really scared watching them take hits from their opponents, hitting them back and getting injured."----- What does that have to do with the incident OR her wanting to become a nurse????


This is supposed to be a mock letter telling why she wants to go into nursing? She needs to state her purpose clearly in the first paragraph, because it still kind of makes you wonder what the essay is for. She might want to change her title as well, 'Why Me' doesn't say anything about wanting to go into nursing, and emphasizes more on this one incident rather than the outcome- her wanting to go into nursing.

One way I was taught was that in an opening paragraph you state the purpose of your essay and what your intention is.

As you write, each paragraph should flow logically one to the next.

The last paragraph should then be spent tying it back to the first. By then it should be apparent to the reader what you are trying to say and it should be persuasive enough they should find themselves nodding in agreement with you.

- J.

She has asked me to thank all of you who have given her suggestions. She has taken many of them and is, at the moment, rewriting her essay. The message is still the same, just making it more clear and concise for the reader. I will post the revised essay when she is finished with it. She said everything has helped her tremendously, especially since the teacher did not give the promised time with the essays for the class.

That doesn't even really count as a eassy. It's more or a short story. Where is the thesis statement?