lets hear 'em

A German archaeology team digs down 50m and finds traces of copper wire. Afterwards the German government proclaims that 2000 years ago the Germans obviously had developed a telephone system.

Later an English archaeology team digs down 100m and finds traces of glass strands. Afterwards the British government proclaims that 3000 years ago the English obviously had developed a fibre optic based telephone system.

An Polish archaeology team digs down 200m and but finds nothing at all. Afterwards the polish government proclaims that 4000 years ago the poland invented mobile phones!!!.

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a **** instead."

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your *****?" The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your *****?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your *****?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

Things You Don't Say to a Cop:

1) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
2) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
3) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
4) Are You Andy or Barney?
5) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6) I pay your salary!
7) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
8) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

hahaha those are good ones

Q. How do you sell a chicken to a deaf guy?

A.(Screams as loud as you can)"HEY DEAF GUY YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN?!?!?!?"

What do you call 2 lesbians in a closet?

A liquor(lick her) cabinet....

An old lady has just lost her husband. He died after 70 years being married to her and she couldn't take it, she was heartbroken. The lady decided that it would be best to commit suicide because she could not live without him, and a bullet through the heart seemed most fitting. Not wanting to miss the heart she phoned a doctor and asked him where excatly it was located, "Just below your left breast", he told her.

Later on that evening the old lady was administered to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left kneecap.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

The FBI is out to hire a new agent but they can't decide between three applicants, 20, 30, and 40 years old. They invite all three down and tell them to bring their wives. The 20 year old is called in first.

They tell him, "Physically your exactly what we want, and you scored above average in mental tests so the job is yours if you can do one thing. We want you to prove your loyalty to us, take this gun and go shoot your wife waiting in the lobby." The man is digusted by the request, "This is INSANE, I'd NEVER shoot my wife, we're expecting a child and I love her. You can shove this job up your ass!" And with that, he leaves.

The 30 year old is called in next. They tell him, "You've gotten to the age where we don't usually hire people but your very fit, and scored quite well on our mental tests, so the job is yours if you can do one thing. We want you to prove your loyalty to us, take this gun and go shoot your wife waiting in the lobby." The man holds the gun for a few seconds and says, "I'd really like this job but I can't kill my wife, we have 3 kids together and they'd really miss her.... I just can't do it." And with that he slowly leaves.

The last man, the 40 year old is called into the office. They tell him,"Well, your past the age we typically hire people but you're in decent shape and you had superb scores on the mental tests, so the job is yours if you can do one thing. We want you to prove your loyalty to us, take this gun and go shoot your wife waiting in the lobby." Without hesitation the man walks out with the gun and closes the door. The agents hear a, BAM.....BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM..............then a loud THUD...THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD. The agents are puzzled at what just happened, and just then the man walks in. He looks roughed up a bit, fixing his tie, tucking in his shirt, and the agents ask, "What the hell happened out there?"

The man cooly answers, "Oh, some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to beat her to death with a chair."

hahhahhahaahahahaah

HAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHA

A lady comes home early from work one day and finds her husband in bed with another woman. With a fit of blind rage she grabs her husband by his penis, takes him outside, walks back to the little shed, brings him in and clamps his penis into a large vice and breaks the handle. She picks up a hacksaw and turns to her husband, he's terrified and asks what she's going to do.

She hands him the hacksaw and says, "I'm going to burn down the shed, you do what you have to do."