i didn't get killed on my way to or from vegas.

sorry.

contrary to what i want i have not died either. although i'm sure you don't care considering i don't know who you are.

Originally posted by Cesaro
contrary to what i want i have not died either.

Then what is that ****ing smell??????

But he did punch a stripper. He also vomited in his car yesterday.

Vomiting in the car and punching a stripper? Sounds even better than being killed. Why’d you punch her/him?

Originally posted by Curly Howard
Then what is that ****ing smell??????

possibly my pants, i have not washed them in 2 weeks and have worn them every day.

possibly my shirt, i've been wearing it for 3 days and have showered not once.

possibly my hair, it has not been washed and has a tendency to smell.

possibly my breath, i have not brushed my teeth today.

possibly my underwear, there may or may not be **** residue in there.

or something could be dead, but i don't think it is me.

Originally posted by Crystalline Dream
Vomiting in the car and punching a stripper? Sounds even better than being killed. Why’d you punch her/him?

well.......

ok. my buddy jacked this huge dildo that they were using onstage and started walking up to people and slapping them in the face. it was actually pretty funny watching him go behind people, resting this dildo on their shoulders, and then start talking to them like nothing. one chick freaked out cause she thought it was his dick.

anywayz i've got this chick on my lap that i've been talkin to for the last half an hour, he walks up and sticks this thing in MY face. i go to sock him but accidently punched her in the tit. it wasn't hard but she freaked out. oh well.

WEE!!!

Originally posted by Purity
well.......

ok. my buddy jacked this huge dildo that they were using onstage and started walking up to people and slapping them in the face. it was actually pretty funny watching him go behind people, resting this dildo on their shoulders, and then start talking to them like nothing. one chick freaked out cause she thought it was his dick.

anywayz i've got this chick on my lap that i've been talkin to for the last half an hour, he walks up and sticks this thing in MY face. i go to sock him but accidently punched her in the tit. it wasn't hard but she freaked out. oh well. HhAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Yeah, strippers hate being punched in the implants. They're expensive and most want to avoid leakage.

Originally posted by Purity
well.......

ok. my buddy jacked this huge dildo that they were using onstage and started walking up to people and slapping them in the face. it was actually pretty funny watching him go behind people, resting this dildo on their shoulders, and then start talking to them like nothing. one chick freaked out cause she thought it was his dick.

anywayz i've got this chick on my lap that i've been talkin to for the last half an hour, he walks up and sticks this thing in MY face. i go to sock him but accidently punched her in the tit. it wasn't hard but she freaked out. oh well.

:lol3::lol3:


That is some funny ****. I went to see XMen2 lastnight, and the guy that took me had this little boy behind him that would not stop kicking the back of his seat. So after about forty times of this kid kicking his chair, he turned around and the kid totally ignored him. My date is like, “hey, hey, hey” to this nine year old who refuses to look at him. I am doing everything not to bust up laughing. My date turns back around and this kid goes back at it. I don’t know that he was doing it on purpose, but it was the funniest ****. My date turns around again, stands up (the guy is like 6’3”) and he looks at this little kid and says, “Stop. Kicking. My. Seat.” The kid looked like he **** his pants. My date turned around and about five minutes later the kid started again. I couldn’t help but bust up laughing. That kid was so funny.

Yeah, kids are dumb.

kids are ghey

if i was that kid i woulda told yer date to **** off. either that or i woulda just held up my middle finger until he ripped it off.
i was mouthy when i was a kid. i remember one time this grown man kicked the **** outta me when i was like 12 just for beating him so much in street fighter. i kept telling him that he smelled like a piece of *****. i hadn't even fingerbanged a girl at that point but it still sounded pretty funny.

Originally posted by Purity
i kept telling him that he smelled like a piece of *****. i hadn't even fingerbanged a girl at that point but it still sounded pretty funny.

You are too ****ing funny.

Sorry you didn’t get killed this weekend, btw

well i DID drive really close to this big rig that caught on fire on the highway. did it just so could take a pic of it for everybody. i'll post it later today.

it was cool. it happend right before the cops or firemen came so nobody could stop me from driving right up to it. you could totally feel this big heat wave. that's closest i got to getting killed.

oh WAIT A MINUTE! NO NO!!!! there was a CLOSER time!

some stupid **** in an Eagle Talon (i hate those cars) tried cutting me off. he almost ran me off the road.
word to the wise:
NEVER EVER EVER **** with a person behind the wheel when he's blaring slayer.
so i almost ram him into a semi truck (kinda reminded me of a scene from that lame ass fast n' furious movie). then i got pissed and started throwing **** at him. i grenade hucked my bottled water on him.
bad move cause i was still pretty thirsty and there wasn't a rest stop for another 45 miles.

The closest I came this weekend to dying was when my date tried to invite himself into my apartment after the movie, or maybe when he shoved his tongue down my throat far enough to block my airway. If he had tried any harder to come in I would have unleashed kickboxing on his ass and brought him closer to the light.

you shoulda excused yourself, hauked a loogie, kept it in your mouth, went for another kiss, and passed it over to him.
then when he freaks out, you should just tell him that that's what you do when you're really into your dates.

or ask him to use this breath freshener spray I have, and hand him a bottle of pepper spray.


I guess that would work if I carried pepper spray

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid61/p6dc4acbb24ca3a1dea126fd3965b8057/fc3cc001.gif

hahahah!!!!!

that reminded me of this dumb**** chick that i knew who accidently pepper sprayed herself down the throat because she thought that it was binacca.
she worked at baskin robbins and totally made this scene!

I take it Vegas was good then?

it was ok

Originally posted by Purity
hahahah!!!!!

that reminded me of this dumb**** chick that i knew who accidently pepper sprayed herself down the throat because she thought that it was binacca.
she worked at baskin robbins and totally made this scene!

I told you that was an accident.

You had to go and bring it up again.

I got pepper sprayed the Halloween before last, it made me puke.....

Originally posted by Crystalline Dream
I told you that was an accident.

You had to go and bring it up again.

you told me it was an accident but you DIDN'T say i couldn't bring it up again :)

damn...

Purity, you must be a really good worker, there is like minutes between each of your posts. Your boss must be proud :)

i'm quitting my company and starting another one on june 1st so from now until then i'm just ****ing around and wasting time on my precious boards.
word to tha muther****er!!!

I love my work. I could sit and watch it all day long.

at this point we all get excited and DEMAND further knowledge of your occupation

DEMAND in caps you say?

I work for the government, so I hold the gun :killyou: and demand things out of you

*must focus on sending this insurance policy to allstate.....stop thinking of crystalline, handcuffs, and demanding things outta me...*

Originally posted by Purity
*must focus on sending this insurance policy to allstate.....stop thinking of crystalline, handcuffs, and demanding things outta me...*

:devil

honestly though, I'm not trying to be dorky and sound like a CIA agent, because I'm not, it's just really kind of hard to explain

IRS?

no, that would be easy to explain;

"I butt**** all of you every year"

I was thinking you didnt want to say it because everyone would instantly hate you......

cmon crystal!!
explain!!!

Originally posted by Purity
cmon crystal!!
explain!!!

What did I tell you? Who gives the demands here?

Exotic Dancer?

oh this ****in RULES! i'm an admin and this chick's ordering me around! i LIKE IT :) :) :)

....yer just lucky that your blue chick in the avatar is so ****able!



anyways, uh....whaddya do? how bout job title @ least

2 people who are at work are posting more than the rest of the board combined......

You should use your Admin powers and give her a belt to match her av.

I'm at work.

Originally posted by kaps
2 people who are at work are posting more than the rest of the board combined......

hahahahha

okay okay, my employer is the government, but they contract me out to different states (Mainly Washington, Nevada, Idaho, Oregon and California) to catch workman’s comp fraud, basically a higher form of insurance fraud, so I follow people around hoping to catch them doing something they shouldn’t/couldn’t be doing with their alleged injuries, and from noon to five I come into the office and file all my findings and reports.

Make sense?

that ****in RULES!!!

so if i were to "accidently" slip and smash my head into the ground, bribe a quack to bull**** my incapacity to work, file my claim and live off structured settlement for the rest of my life....tell me how you would figure me out

BANNED!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah....

Originally posted by Purity
that ****in RULES!!!

so if i were to "accidently" slip and smash my head into the ground, bribe a quack to bull**** my incapacity to work, file my claim and live off structured settlement for the rest of my life....tell me how you would figure me out

I would seduce you and depending on how well you did in the sack I would decide if you were truly handicapped

Originally posted by Crystalline Dream
I would seduce you and depending on how well you did in the sack I would decide if you were truly handicapped

nevermind....I like Purity too much to say it

Originally posted by Curly Howard
You should use your Admin powers and give her a belt to match her av.

so what if i bribe the quack into saying that all of the brain functions that allow him to carry out his tasks on the job have now been allocated to his sexual drive, therefore inducing female interegators into multiple orgasms.

what if afterwards i propose us to run off together and live the rest of our lives ****ing and spending lawsuit money together?

would you quit yer job then?

I make more than you could offer off of a settlement

but what the hell. I'd do it anyway

i gotta client who gets $14,500 a month from that ****. plus it's non-taxable. so i'll get it somewhere around that range.

ok first thing's first. i'm gonna go crack my head open. i would suggest evaluating me sometime later this week

Originally posted by Purity
ok first thing's first. i'm gonna go crack my head open. i would suggest evaluating me sometime later this week


You just made me laugh so hard that my person across the room asked if I was okay. And it really wasn't even that funny.

Originally posted by Purity
i gotta client who gets $14,500 a month from that ****. plus it's non-taxable. so i'll get it somewhere around that range.

You get about 80% of what you were making at the job you got injured at

Playa smooth.

A friend of mines ex wife got caught out digging up her yard while on workers comp for a bad back...silly ***** had to pay back ****loads!

Originally posted by Crystalline Dream
You get about 80% of what you were making at the job you got injured at Damn. I would have to get another job with the chump change I make

Originally posted by seldomTap
A friend of mines ex wife got caught out digging up her yard while on workers comp for a bad back...silly ***** had to pay back ****loads!

Yep. I’ve caught people who in the end, had about half a million to pay back to the government. They have to pay my salary somehow.

Hahahahaha!

She got caught by a guy sitting in a car across the street taking pics...is that what you do?

Mind you, she is semi retarded

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid62/pe72ef337c0a261f55cfa992eb678e8b5/fc1e39b3.jpg

Originally posted by seldomTap
Hahahahaha!

She got caught by a guy sitting in a car across the street taking pics...is that what you do?

Mind you, she is semi retarded

I dont sit in a car. I have refined tactics that go beyond a "stake-out" after a couple of years that gets old.

Originally posted by Crystalline Dream
I dont sit in a car. I have refined tactics that go beyond a "stake-out" after a couple of years that gets old. You knock on their door and ask them to help you move a mattress?

Originally posted by The Ensanity
You knock on their door and ask them to help you move a mattress?

yeah. In **** me pumps.

Originally posted by Crystalline Dream
I dont sit in a car. I have refined tactics that go beyond a "stake-out" after a couple of years that gets old.

I though you were only 22, how long have you been doing this?

I was going to say, the stakeout thing would ****en blow...the **** me pumps however would work almost every time...unless you have cankles.

three years this year, I'm almost 23!

btw, I was having wonderful conversations about cracking open heads with Purity before you all came in.

Purity where art thou

sorry i went to go get some red bulls at the gas station. some foreigner got all mad at me cause i gave him exact change and he had to count it.

anyways, i just cracked my head open. i hope you know how much i sacrifice for our love. when's my analysis?

have to go the doctor first

tell me when you'll be down and i'll make sure i have the doctor letter by then.

Originally posted by Purity
tell me when you'll be down and i'll make sure i have the doctor letter by then.

I'm following this one **** now, I think we are scheduling him to court in a couple of months. Principal of a high school. This is one of the most ****ed up cases I've ever worked. So you have some time before you are given more orders by gunpoint.:devil

well i guess i'm just gonna sit around and RIP OFF THE GOVERNMENT!!!
hahahah!!!!!!
too bad they can't do **** about it!

don't bother with the principal. he's one step ahead of you. he'll just make you look dumb when he wins in court. don't let him degrade you like that crystal!!!!

I really shouldn't be talking about this but I am going to anyway, I'll just leave out the names to protect the innocent.

This guy puts in a claim of a bad back about a year ago, so they put me on this case about three weeks ago. Within this short amount of time, I have already found out this guy was banging one of his students in his office when he ****ed up his back. He's going down.

Is banging students bad!?!

HOLY ****!

When I have to waste my time, come to Washington to find out what this **** is up to, yes, it's bad. My next job is in Cali, and then off to Nevada!

Soutern or northern Cali

how did you find out that he was banging a student???

northern or southern cali?

Originally posted by Purity
how did you find out that he was banging a student???

northern or southern cali?


I have my special ways ;)

Southern Cali

are you saying that you took direct samples???

where abouts in southern cali?

Upland for a few weeks, and then down to Anaheim area for the remainder. No, no direct samples. I'm just good at what I do

good at whatcha do....

hmmmm......

i gotta figure this out. so you come in there to see if his back is really that ****ed up. the doctor says it's ****ed up from some type of.....strenuous and repetative motions, particularly in the lower back region. the client says it's from sitting down and standing up at the desk area so much.
you ,however, conclude that this can only be from either squats or rapid and crazy sexual activity. you observe the client has twigs for legs so the squats are out. now he says he's married.....yet upon observing his fat and old looking wife you KNOW that he can't be rallying HER in that type of fashion.

now at the same time you notice a blond looking bimbo student who keeps going in and out of his office and wiping her mouth everytime she leaves.
upon engaging in conversation you conclude that she's stupider than a box of nails......yet upon further investigation of acedemic statistics you are able to see that she clearly gets straight A's- which is starting to piece together her "extra curricular" activities.

now we begin to see that this slimeball is actually just ****ing his student and making the government fund his lifestyle every time that a knarly thrust tosses his back out.
verdict=GUILTY
case closed.

what would we do without you crystal?


so anywayz....about my head......